Posts tagged ‘entertainment’

House pet FAIL

What kind of dumbass keeps a primate as a house pet?

No no — serious question.
Because we’re not talking about some freaky Michael Jackson ‘mules you can put out to the back 40 and get your ‘isn’t he cuuuuuuute?’ on when you want to go all ‘exotic’.

We’re talking about our [wild] evolutionary brothers from a very [wild] different mother who, as adults, have at least five times the strength of humans … and who even the first-rate researchifyers over at the Jane Goodall Institute agree are meant to live in the wild, not in our homes.

And so again, I ask … 

What Kind of?
Keeps A Goddamned PRIMATE?

Some dumbass in Stamford, Connecticut – that’s who!
::: … although, technically, she doesn’t keep one anymore … :::

Meet Sandra Herold.
::: Hi Sandra! :::
Sandra is a 70-year-old woman who owns owned a 200-pound ‘celebrity pet’ chimpanzee named Travis.
::: Hi Travis! :::

Trav – a chimp who is said to have been toilet trained, could dress himself, ate at the table, could use a computer and reportedly starred in Old Navy and Coca-Cola commercials — used a key to let himself out of Herold’s house last night.

He was out there, gettin’ all rampagey — attacking police cars, police men and Herold’s 50-something soon-to-be former friend — when the po po had to make ol’ Trav a permanent kind of dead.
::: Chimpi .. uhh no, that’s just sad … :::

According to reports, “Travis was being bad.” He’d biggie-sized an outburst but calmed down long enough for Herold to get him back in the house and give him a nice hot cuppa Xanax-laced tea.
::: … mmm, yeah … but that one’s tricky ‘cuz ya hafta get the pill-to-water ratio just righ … uhh, well, umm … whaa … ACK – nothing! Nevermind!! ::: 

021609-chimp-fire-zoom1Bitch must’ve  messed up the mix because, moments later, just as Charla Nash was getting out of her car, Travis channeled his inner abuser and brought a beatdown so severe it put her in the hospital with serious facial injuries after losing a ‘tremendous amount of blood.’
::: J. Fred Muggs would NOT approve!!! :::

Things got all stabby when Herold tried to pry her mate off Nash but, c’mon … how well do you think a Q-Tip’s gonna do against a marauding beast?
Ya — juuuust well enough to know when it’s time to haul ass back to the house and call for backup!

Police arrived and Trav got to chargin’ … then he smashed a car window and opened the door to a cruiser where an officer was hiding like a girl taking cover …
… and that’s when things got all shooty.

Travis met the business end that officer’s gun several times before he ran back to the house … and died. 

Oh the tragedy!
Oh the sadness!!

If only there’d been some WARNING that celebrichimp might go apeshit!!!

Wait. What’s that you say?
Oh, that’s riiiight!

Most folks remember dude’s rather public run-in with the law a couple of years ago when he escaped from an SUV and went running through the streets.
More than a dozen officers were dispatched that time.
::: I’m guessing there was a LOT more Xanax at at least two tranq guns involved that time. Am I right? Am I right?? .:::

So what did we learn today, kiddies?

No matter how many Old Navy spots he snags … no matter how much coin he banks your butt — he’s still a PRIMATE, complete with all those wildly unpredictable, might rip your nose off, deadly PRIMATE tendencies.

Highly-trained, unique, special and just a few Darwin’s shy of human does not a safe house pet make.

… now if you’ll excuse me, my Chilean Rose Tarantulas and Argentinian Puma need to be fed … 


February 17, 2009 at 4:56 pm 3 comments

Bottom of the barrel: A first glimpse

Jessica Simpson is on FIRE, y’all!

According to a remarkably embellished PR Newswire release – the ‘international music, fashion, TV and movie star’ is sooo hot that the Fallsview Casino Resort (located at Niagara Falls, New York the epicenter of the international music, fashion, TV and movie star UNIVERSE) has had to add a second show just to accommodate her many tens of fans!!!!
::: You gotta give the people what they want!! :::

  “Ms. Simpson’s show sold out as quickly as any we’ve ever had here at
Fallsview Casino over the last four years,” said Greg Medulun, Director of

And you know I just do not doubt that for One. Split. Second!!!!

Casino crawlers are used to the very best their entertainment dollars will buy – Wayne Newton notwithstanding!
Those blue hairs’ll be all hopped up on Schnapps and Vicks VapoRub after gettin’ their guffaws watching the antiquated Smothers Brothers ‘mom always liked you best-athon’ and movin’ and groovin’ to the sound of the World Rock Symphony Orchestra …  and that is all before  Chestica ever takes the stage!!!
::: Better check the batteries in those defibrillators, guys! :::

Dang girl – that is one red-hot concert series there!!

Do let me know when the tour comes to Woodland’s Middle School, mm’kay?

July 28, 2008 at 3:57 pm

Dare to compare

I had some fun earlier this week when one area rag cut some copy editing corners, resulting in a headline hee hee.
This morning I’m doing something similar with a blotter item  – only don’t wait for the hee hee. It’s not coming.

Laziness like this – and on a damn blotter item – is just aggravating as hell.
But, hey, I haven’t finished my coffee yet, so maybe it’s just me …

Exhibit A:

Exhibit B:

July 17, 2008 at 2:03 pm 5 comments

Kidman, Urban won’t sell Sunday Rose

Completely thumbing her Botoxed nose at the time-tested Hollywood practice of baby trafficking, Kreepee Kidman has decided not to whore out pics of her newborn daughter to the highest bidder.
::: And just what makes Little Miss Fancy Pants so special?!? :::

According to The Sydney Morning Herald, Kreepee and Keith Urban “have rejected deals worth millions of dollars for first pictures of their newborn daughter Sunday … [and] have yet to decide whether to release a photograph officially”. If they do, a source says, it will be free.

Can they really do that?!?
::: No really — can they DO that? :::

There is precedent here! And any person who has logged more than 12 hours of Law & Order knows that precedent is, like, serious and stuff which means it MUST be adhered to at all times!!
Otherwise it’s just anarchy and the whole system could come crumbling down around us at any moment!!!!!

Someone needs to school this bitch on how it’s done.

  • J-Ho and Skeletor pocketed a cool $6 million from People magazine for pictures of twins Max and Emme.
  • Angelina and Brad sold Shiloh’s sweet face for a reported $4.1 million (which doesn’t include the $3.5 million that Hello! reportedly coughed up for the British rights to the pictorial).
  • She Of The Magic Womb also sold her adopted son Pax out for $2 million!
    ::: Oh sure, the do-gooders gave their money to charity and all, but that’s not the point, people!! PRECEDENT: Set – Follow!!!! :::
  • I mean – damn!
    Even snaps of the wonkey-eyed Danielynn (daughter of every-drug’s-best-friend Anna Nicole Smith) brought in a couple mil! 

    I can only think of one reason we haven’t seen little Sunday Rose yet … think maybe she’s got her daddy’s (natural) smile?

    Oh who cares!
    The list of A through Z list celebs who can’t WAIT to pimp their newborns for gas money is long and varied. From Louisiana teen ho Jamie Lynn to Frankenboob Aguilera to Mmmmmmmatthew MmmmmmmmcConaughey — everyone is doing it. NO ONE is exempt!

    Baptise that baby in the harsh glare of the camera lens already!

    It’s the law.

    July 15, 2008 at 3:56 pm 5 comments

    This is the shit you bitches are reading

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