Posts tagged ‘emotion’

Happy 52nd Birthday Jesus!

Because the U.S. economy suffered its deepest contraction in a quarter century, the S&P 500 closed at 12-year low, China’s Premier Wen Jiabao confirms this New Great Depression hasn’t found a bottom yet and consumer confidence found a bigger, DEEPER cave to hide out in this month — I figured we were due for a little pick-me-up.

And no one can do that like today’s birthday boy – John Turturro!

That hot Italian sausage makes the sun come up every morning in the verdant bucolic mental getaway that is my personal happy place.

Just looking at him makes me tingly – and I know he makes you tingly too!
Don’t lie – I know he does!!
How can he not!?!

That slut is a more delicious morsel of marvelousness than a bacon-wrapped Marshmallow!!

I mean, if you weren’t sitting on the edge of your seat, scratching for just one more sheet at the bottom of the Kleenex box as you held a candle-light vigil and prayed for John Turturro brings the HOTPete to come back – COME BAAAACK! – from the nether-regions of froggydom and rejoin Delmar and Everett on their quest for buried treasure, well, then I think you need to schedule an emergency EKG to be sure you even still have a heart down deep in there somewhere.
That was serious method shit you just don’t find in most cinema these days!

Oh, ho, ho, TURTURRO — from Pino to pederast, Dude — nobody beats Barton Fink!

So – yes. Today I give you JT.
Because you need him.
Because we all do in these hard times where gloom is in bloom everywhere you look; where folks are forced to wear their despair like it’s some sort of fashion; where people just don’t know what to DO anymore!

I give you JT because I think it’s important, nay, IMPERATIVE that we take time to chill, reflect and ask ourselves one question:
What Would Turturro Do?’

… the answers are there, my friends …

February 28, 2009 at 4:50 pm 3 comments

Southern progress?

You know it’s gonna be a long day when the first thing you read is a tale of retarded racist redneckery so egregious you fall out of your chair and land squareass on the Pergo under the Mac.
::: I did. I’m ok. Thanks for asking. :::

Today’s tale comes from landlords Wilber and Julie Williams – a couple who help put the ASS in Tallassee, Alabama one good ol’ boy day at a time.

These two twits sling stupid so well they got the attention of the U.S. Department of Housing and Urban Development (HUD), which charged the degenerate duo with violating a nifty little piece of legislation we like to call the Fair Housing Act after they forced a white couple to move from a rented home because they were seen …
… doing drugs in the den?
::: nope – try again! :::
… pimping ho’s out the house?
::: nuh uh – try again!! :::
… selling babies off the back porch?
::: Negatory!!!! Try again!!!! :::
… talking to a black couple in their front yard?
::: DING DING DING — we have a winner!!!! :::

The whole mess began back in February when the cankerous couple rented a house to Melissa Jones and her family. Things were going along just fine until one day in May when the Frankenpair did a drive-by at the exact moment that *gasp*  BLACK PEOPLE were visiting with Jones!!!
::: How shocking in these modern times and all – right?  Oh wait … it’s Tallassee … I think they’re still holding out for a Confederate win … :::

According to Jones’ statement to HUD authorities, her bias bitch of a landlord later called her demanding, “Those people need to leave. I don’t want them on my property.”

One week later Judgmental Julie is said to have called the renters again — only this time her phone conversation was recorded.
::: I you, technology!!!! :::

The phone transcript is said to show Julie Williams saying, “If y’all want to have African-Americans to visit, we’re going to ask you to move … this has never happened with any renters that we’ve had … It’s not fine on our property.”
::: someone’s got her Klan robe in a BIG ol’ twisty bunch!! :::

The case goes on to state that Jones told her landlord she wasn’t just friends with black people — but that she had family members (bluud tahz, y’all) who were of mixed ethnic background. She says she was then told to “go ahead and move before the rent’s due for July.”
::: K …K …K’mon! Really?:::

Melissa Jones told HUD authorities that the McCainiac called again in July to pressure her into moving, telling her, “You should live in the projects if you want to interact with those people. I will sell the house if I have to in order to get you out. I don’t care if you made a complaint to HUD, you have to move.”
::: yew kin hav mah kohled ded hart wen yew prah et frum mah kohled ded bohdee :::

The couple moved the first of September.
If a U.S. Administrative Law judge finds the depraved defendants guilty he can award damages for actual loss, emotional distress, humiliation, and loss of civil rights.
::: YE$ :::
The judge can also add civil penalties and a federal district court judge can award punitive damages if the defendants are found guilty.
::: YE$$$$$$$ :::

Let’s all lift Melissa up, Up, UP in prayer so that she may receive actual, real, hardly-practiced-in-the-deep-South, 21st Century-style justice and not just some nastyass rotting doublewide, a pair of wooden dentures and a tattered Farmer’s Almanac.

Can’t hurt to hope …



October 15, 2008 at 2:46 pm 44 comments

Weeks to go and the whining is easy

Hopification and audaciousness be damned, people!
We are at Defcon 5 and the liberal, commie, pinko, treehuggers are rrrrrrready to rrrrrrrrruuuuummble!!!!!!!

Wimpy, freaked out Democrats are telling my boyfriend to get tough and grow a pair already!

The nervous Nellies are havin’ a hissy fit because — despite an economy teetering on the brink of the Greater Depression and that whole war thing and how only rich people can afford food and stuff and mean ol’ Mother Nature raining on everyone’s parade and crappy sitcom television and transfats and Britney being back, bitches — despite ALL of the gloom and doom facing Americans today, polls show an almost even  race between The People’s Prince and His Maverick Beefiness.
::: yeah — it’s a head-scratcher … :::

The Nellies are tellin’ Yummy Tummy to put on his game face and show them a change they can believe in – a change of attitude, that is! Go negative, get mean, be more passionate!
::: Obama + more passion … woo hoo! :::

Doubting doubters …  Barry brings the hotness – AND the fire!!!

” … a lot of people have gotten nervous and concerned. ‘Why is this as close as it is? And what’s going on?’ We always knew this was going to be hard, and this is a leap for the American people,” he said.
::: get ready — the fuego is coming … :::

” … we’re running against somebody who has a formidable biography, a compelling biography.
::: fuego — annnnny minute now … :::

“He’s a genuine American hero, somebody who served in uniform and suffered through some things that very few of us can imagine.”
::: umm, fuego? :::

“The reason I’m calm is I have confidence in the American people.”
::: ok, so that would be a no on the fuego then? :::

It’s a bold strategy – employing diplomacy during the campaign … oh hell, employing diplomacy at all! God knows that shit hasn’t been a part of the American political landscape for a long, loooong time.
We’ll just have to wait and see if this dicey gamble pays off …

In the meantime – never fear – you know why?
Doesn’t matter.

It’s all oooooo-k.

It’s allllll good!
<— A
s long as this vapid bitch is still allowed in public, we’ll get to see some sort of emotional meltdown before the people go to the polls.

Ahhhh — feel better?
Yeah, me neither.

September 18, 2008 at 4:37 pm

Bumper stickers are the new crazy

Cars with bumper stickers

People who drive vehicles sporting bumper stickers are sick, crazy, dangerous bastards bent on your destruction.

I know it sounds harsh, but it’s based on serious researchification and scientifical findings – so we must accept it as truth.

Depreciating your ride by sticking sticky things on your vehicle’s ass instantly turns you into a territorial asshole who is a major road-rage incident in the making.

Sorry Road-Ragers!!

Colorado State University social psychologist William Szlemko sez:
Drivers of cars with bumper stickers, window decals, personalized license plates and other “territorial markers” not only get mad when someone cuts in their lane or is slow to respond to a changed traffic light, but they are far more likely than those who do not personalize their cars to use their vehicles to express rage – by honking, tailgating and other aggressive behavior.

In other words — sticker slickers are jerks who think they own the roads, which makes them bad people, which makes the rest of us better than them, which means we can rightfully feel superior now.

Thanks Scientifical Researchification!!

“The more markers a car has, the more aggressively the person tends to drive when provoked,” Szlemko said. “Just the presence of territory markers predicts the tendency to be an aggressive driver.”

That means YOU – Mr. If the van is a-rockin’, don’t come a-knockin’. We know your game!

And little Miss ‘My Kid is a Crystal Cove Elementary Super Star’ Prius driver?
You’re not fooling anyone. We know you’d run a school bus full of kiddies off the road if the driver didn’t merge fast enough for you.



June 17, 2008 at 12:43 pm

Father’s Day Fail

A 27-year-old man who allegedly beat an infant to death in the middle of a roadway Saturday night was shot and killed by a Modesto tactical flight officer, police said.

“What we got from witnesses is he was punching, slapping, kicking, stomping, shaking,” sheriff’s deputy Royjindar Singh said.

Amazingly sad …

June 16, 2008 at 10:39 am

Catholics are SO serious!

Jesus is feeling cheeky todayA student at The Cooper Union for the Advancement of Science and Art‘s School of Art created some paintings that are making some religions leaders all pouty and fumey this week.

See, Cooper puts on an art show at the end of every academic year. The show features original works from the student body. The show is also famously censorship-free.
Yay, Democracy!!

But a group of Catholics are crying foul at some paintings created by student Felipe Baez, which at least one other student may have rightly labeled ‘grotesque shock art’.

Well, Baeza’s bringin’ the peen (and more) in a couple of his paintings and that’s not, um, sitting so well with the Catholic League for Civil and Religious Rights.

One of paintings shows a man with his pants down and a crucifix in his rectum. A Latin caption says, “The day I became a Catholic.”
::: You former alter boys know what that’s like :::

Another painting shows rosaries with male genitalia.
::: SHOCKING, considering how NON-misogynistic the Catholic church is :::

And there’s one of a man with a halo AND an erection.
::: Yeah, I can see how that might offend. Usually the priest’s robe covers that up :::

“I have the sneaking suspicion that these paintings made the cut precisely because they were an assault on Catholic sensibilities,” complained Catholic League President Bill Donahue.

Hey, the art’s not exactly my taste either but calling it an ‘attack’ is kinda sensitive for a bunch of child-touchers, no?

The Catholic Church is one ginormous glass house … stop throwing stones and CLEAN your house.

June 6, 2008 at 4:01 pm 5 comments

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