Posts tagged ‘economy’

No. Sleep. ‘Till. BROOKLYN!


Y’all know I don’t really ‘do’ follow-ups, but since I also don’t really ‘do’ rules or structure or anything resembling something one would consider organized in any way whatsoever – I can ‘do’ whatever I want!
::: yes, it’s great to be me :::

Remember when the NYC powers that be went all ‘full bag of ass’ on the homeless recently?
Well, take a seat kids because those gub’mint windbags found some pity for the poors and are now baby-steppin’ toward benevolence!

Big Apple big shots are backing agreements to house homeless families in unsold luxury condos in Brooklyn.

The apartments are in the in Crown Heights section, have amenities that include granite countertops, terraces, marble bathrooms and walk-in closets and were supposed to sell for $250,000 to $350,000 … you know, back in the olden times when people actually had cool shit like cash monies and credit so they could BUY a place of their own …
::: mem-reez … light the corners of my mind … :::

But times are hard and pretty much every third person on the planet is out of work, out of luck and out on the street — so hobo housing is where it’s at!

The city is paying about $2,700 a month for each apartment, which includes awesomeness like social services and job counseling.

This is goodness — straight UP!

And you asshats who try to get your comment on and go all ‘Get a job, ya bums’ with your high-and-mightiness?
Step back, get a clue and REKONIZE that homelessness is a national problem that’s growing to epidemic proportions due to the economy, foreclosures, the economy, job losses, the economy and so on AND that one in every 50 children in our fair land will be homeless at some point.

So those ‘lazy fucking bums’ you’re always bitching about?
Ya, they don’t even rank in the top 100 anymore, ‘kay judgmentals?

THIS is goodness. This is a start …

SOURCE

June 4, 2009 at 3:29 pm 2 comments

CNN tackles the tough stuff


What with all of the economic uncertainty, security concerns and general depravity everywhere, I take great comfort in the knowlege that I can count on CNN to bring me the really big news.

Like today’s ‘Twelve Amusing Excuses For Being Late For Work‘ … awesome market downturn, massive layoff reading there.
Because it’s just common knowledge that the absolute first thing on the mind of someone suffering job-loss jitters is where to find new and creative ways to endanger their employability.
::: CNN’s got yer back, dawg! :::

“While some employers tend to be more lenient with worker punctuality, 30% say they have terminated an employee for being late,” CareerBuilder.com‘s VP of HR said.

You guys got that?
Career Pro Tip: Being late for work can get you fired.

WOW!!

I mean, you just don’t get that kind of top-secret insider info any old place!
::: CNN and CareerBuilder totally  us! :::

According to a February survey of more than 8,000 workers all the goldbrickers still employed in America, 20% said they arrive late to work at least once a week and 12% said they are late at least twice a week.

And just what’s keeping Tammy Timeclock from promptly punching in?

Why, Amusing Excuse #2, of course!
“My husband thinks it’s funny to hide my car keys before he goes to work.”
::: So even if yours puts the Dick in Dickens, don’t use that one ladies– it’s TAKEN! :::

Now me? I like #4: “I got locked in my trunk by my son.”
Because any brat who can put a ‘rent in the box has earned his Bitchin’ Bastard badge in my view!

Oh, but I know, I know — the point is not to BE late … if you can help it … provided the Dunkin’ Donuts latte line isn’t too long …. and that morning-after hangover helper is working …

“To be on the safe side, try your best to be on time for work every day,” the job gurus advise. “Your boss, co-workers and reputation will thank you for it.”

GOTCHA!!

THANK YOU CNN AND CAREERBUILDER!!!!!

I feel more productive alrea … ooo someone brought cake!

April 7, 2009 at 5:59 pm 3 comments

The view from the cheap(est) seats


stadiumseatFeeling twelve kinds of spectacularly woozified in my Section 426, Row 15, Seat 13 spot at last night’s Florida Panthers – Pittsburgh Penguins game, the thought crossed my mind that, perhaps, I’ve been too extreme in my New Great Depression practice of partaking in sporting events on the cheap … until I saw the picture of possibly the world’s most skinflinterrific superachiever ever making his way to the top of the upper deck in left field during an exhibition game at the new Yankee Stadium over the weekend.

yankseats

I mean, I feel like a penny-pinching poseur next to his pauperiffic perfection!

Check out the steely-eyed stare he maintains – even as his oxygen-deprived brain struggles to navigate the unforgiving concrete steps stretching up, Up, UP to the ether!

This bitch isn’t fucking around!
He knows what he wants and he’s going for it!

You just KNOW he reuses popsicle sticks as bookmarks, clips coupons for shit he doesn’t even buy and recycles used stamps!!
He’s a pro!!!

Dude is workin’ that knitted cap and GORE-TEX® like there’s no tomorrow! He is going to eat those frozen hot dogs and he is going to enjoy watching the ants scurry around the field below … just as soon as he summits Mt. Ballpark.

… I’m not worthy …

PHOTO: Julie Jacobson / AP

April 6, 2009 at 2:11 pm

Movie makers get their miser on


Old and Busted: Ginormous payouts plus part of the profits paid to barely-even pedestrian performers.

New Hotness: Puttin’ those bitches on a budget!

budgetdivaIt’s true!

Oh sure, you may think life is all darkness and ominosity out there in this New Great Depression, but take heart you homeless hobos! There IS a silver lining!

Your impovrished ass is about to get company!
::: YAY!!! Misery LOVES company! :::

NGD Math Lesson:
Your broke-assness + global economic meltdown = movie bidness bottom lines are moving toward  disgusting diva demands.

Yessiree! After years of empty promises to cut the sweetheart deals with the pompous and the bitchy (AKA – mid-level movie stars), the studios are finally able to stick it to ’em!
Why?
Hellooooooo?!?!? Haven’t you been listening?

The ‘crisis’, you silly!

They’re slashing star salaries and pulling perks like private jets, too.
::: I’m guessing they’re not pickin’ up the rehab tab anymore, either? :::

“They’ve wanted to go in this direction for a long time and the global financial crisis has given them the lever to do it,” a veteran talent representative told The Daily Beast.

Another rep broke it down a little better. “The studios are going out to actors who have been $10 million players and saying, `Here’s $5 million.’ Here’s two and a half.”
::: SLAVE WAGES!!! :::

And if LindsayTaraWhatsHerFace balks? No biggie!
The studios will simply pick another thespian from the pile.
::: Bitches on backup – smoooooth! :::

“They’re not fucking around,”
Mr. Nonamebecauseweareprobablytalkingaboutmyclient
said. “They know exactly who that next person is.”

Which may explain why Marvel Studios offered Scarlett Johansson and the twins a paltry $250,000 for Iron Man 2.

“We don’t like to be portrayed as being disrespectful to talent, notwithstanding the fact that we are very budget-conscious and can’t always meet an actor’s initial asking price,” Marvel COO Tim Connors said.
“We say, `We wouldn’t normally ask an actor at this level to do this but we’d be thrilled to have them.”

Now, it’s all good because ScarJo and her magnificantly talented chi chi balls were able to negotiate their way up to a semi-sort of respectable $400,000 for the film – so we feel confident she’ll be able to feed and clothe herself for at least another week or two … but something tells me SAG may want to get crackin’ on an emergency out of work actress retraining program because Kirsten Dunst is gonna need some way to pay for those sniffy snax and god knows the fossil financing CZJ isn’t gonna live forever!

Let’s go guys — CHOP CHOP!

SOURCE

April 3, 2009 at 2:38 pm 6 comments

Big Brother IS watching!


Good news, breadliners!

Your government cares about you!

Well, ok. Maybe not you, Mr. L.A. Dude who offed your whole family govmybadlast year over your mounting financial mess.
Or you, Mr. Ohio Guy who was so worried about money that X-ing out the fam was, apparently, the only option.
And, ok, not you, Mr. Pennsylvania Businessman who’s fiscal failures led to things gettin’ all shooty with the missus.
And, well uh, if we’re being honest —  you either, Mr. San Fran Skin-Care Clinic owner who mistook your lagging sales as a sign it was time to liquidate your loved ones …  

… but for the rest of you sad sacks out there not yet driven to do in those dearest to you – your government wants you to know it cares about you!

It does!
They even set up a super special website to prove it!!

govheroGetting Through Tough Economic Times” — an inadequately-titled guide intended to provide “practical advice on how to deal with the effects financial difficulties can have on your physical and mental health” — launched in the wee hours overnight.
::: … guess no one liked the more aptly-titled ‘How To Deal When Your World’s Gone To Shit’ … :::

On this little corner of the interwebs, the feds will educate your impovrished ass about depression, suicidal thinking and other mental illnesses.
::: Because who knows better about depression and suicidal thinking than government workers, right? :::

govnokillIt lays out the warning flags for: Persistent sadness/crying; Excessive anxiety; Lack of sleep/constant fatigue; Excessive irritability/anger. 
::: Oh. Those aren’t just regular conditions of life now? :::

So, if you’re unsure whether your spouse has slaughter in his/her heart?
If you’re worried that crushing debt is making the one you hold dear consider dumping your dead body in a ditch??
If you’re concerned that paying the bills has poisoned your partner against you???

Don’t take matters into your own ignorant hands!
Consult Uncle Sam – your hard times BFF!

SOURCE

March 31, 2009 at 1:23 pm 1 comment

Our life’s work – for nothing?


Lest you think you’re the only ones leveraging your kids’ futures to pay this month’s electric bill – BEHOLD!
The Great Depression 2.0 ™  – CHINA EDITION!

r05_18143461

Those are the sad, sorry faces of thousands of job-seekers at one job fair in Hefei, Anhui province, China earlier this month.

That’s right, breadliners!
China’s economy’s in the shitter, too — JUST LIKE OURS!
*and all of Europe and the rest of Asia and Africa and, well, you get the point *

Know what else?
They’re doin’ stimulus, too — JUST LIKE US!! 

Chinese Premier Wen Jiabao said this week that his the government should waste no time in rolling out stimulus measures.
::: copycats :::

But do you know what they’re doing that’s not just like us?
Importing – shopping – bustin’ the bank.
::: ACK – actual conservatism – ick yuk pTOOEY!! :::

Shanghai-based research firm Data Driven Marketing Asia (DDMA) surveyed 602 ‘consumers’ in five Chinese cities and found that 12% of those surveyed had already lost their jobs and 45% were reducing personal spending because of their concerns about the economy.
::: … so much for America’s 4th largest export market! :::

 The idea that Chinese can pick up the slack now that American shopaholics have gone on the wagon is “rubbish when you look at it,” DDMA director Sam Mulligan says.

But wait — don’t they, like, have to?
China’s been our biggest supporter enabler!

They bought up hundreds of billions of dollars worth of our debt, which helped drive down our interest rates and THAT helped to grotesquely inflate the U.S. housing bubble that went KABLOWIE more than two years ago.
::: See? So obviously TOTALLY their fault! :::

Economists have long pondered whether the current global shitstorm was caused by what Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke has called “a global savings glut” in China [and other East Asian countries] and oil-producing nations of the Middle East pushing money into the USA – OR by America’s excessive SUVMcMansionMachiato moneygrubbery over the last 10 or so years.

Well, fuck that quandary!
I mean, why waste time ‘pondering’ when it’s soooo easy just to point the finger!!

Let’s just [continue to] blame someone else for our fucked up mess, impose some wicked sanctions, get Gotti on their asses and be done with it already!

 What’s more American than that, right?

“We can’t get them to replicate Americans,” said Paul French, the British marketing director of research firm Access Asia.
::: oh :::

 “Americans are just so good at consumerism, like obesity and greenhouse gas emissions. Although the rest of us try, it is very hard to compete.”

HAHAHA – That’s right, bitches!
WE’RE NUMBER ONE!! WE’RE NUMBER ONE!!! WE’RE NUMBE … Wait. What?
 

You mean worshipping at the alter of gluttony, greed and gross consumerism isn’t something everyone wants to do?

But we worked so hard at it!

MAIN PHOTO: REUTERS/Jianan Yu

March 19, 2009 at 5:41 pm 2 comments

G-nailed!


aigemail
So I got ^ this email ^ yesterday at mmmm.lifeisacookie@gmail.com that was kinda sorta seemingly callin’ my ass a few kinds of out for not going apeshit on the whole AIG sitch.

And I’m all ‘Dude! What’s going on?!? If only you knew how I’ve tried!’

‘What’s going on?’
Well, for one thing, I really didn’t think anyone would want to read 8 inches of FUCK YOU AIG ASSHATS AND YOUR MISERABLE CORPORATE FUCKERY, YOU GREEDY FUCKING FUCKTARDED FUCKERS!!

I mean, it’s not exactly what one would call particularly ‘insightful’ or ‘thought-provoking’, now is it?

‘What’s going on??’
Every time I sit down, try to channel my inner calm and meaningfully articulate just exactly how I feel about AIG paying more than $160 million in bonuses to employees of its Financial Products division …
… the unit primarily responsible for the company’s epic meltdown …
… the meltdown that resulted in AIG getting more than $170 billion of my yours OUR money in the form of a taxpayer-funded bailout …
… the bailout that essentially made instant millionaires over the weekend of more than 70 people (11 of whom no longer even WORK there) who had a direct fucking role in bringing the fucking company to the brink of ETERNAL FUCKING RUIN …

… What’s going on is that I get a POUNDING HEADACHE from repeatedly bashing my forehead against the wall out of earned aggravation and excessively escalating pissiosity!

Because it’s not just the greedy muddascunt AIGers who arouse my anger, sir.

OH HO NO!

I have ire in reserve for the Federal Reserve twits and the Treasury Deptartment meatsacks who should have put terms into the original bailout agreement that would have prevented this fiscal fuckery — but didn’t in the rush rush to get the [admittedly necessary] bill passed.

And I feel I can rightly direct a fair amount of fury at every lameass, near-sighted Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Green Partier, lobbyist, banker, zoologist, cryptozoologist, philatelist or rare coin collector who had even the most limited hand in ultimately putting before then-President Bush the $700 billion NO FUCKING OVERSIGHT economic bailout package (Emergency Economic Stabilization Act of 2008) which became the godawful Troubled Assets Relief Program (TARP) when shrub signed that bitch into law on October 3.

‘What’s going on?!?’
ACK!

I don’t think I can harness this hissy fit and I sure as shit couldn’t find my happy place right now even if you plopped my tuckus smack in the middle of it from a hot-air balloon powered solely by sunshine and positive thoughts!

‘What’s going on?!?!’

There [almost] are no words …

March 18, 2009 at 10:11 am 3 comments

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