Posts tagged ‘economy’

Patience, panhandlers!


It’s (almost) time to get happy, hobos because there’s a superserious respectable labor economist-type thinker out there projecting there will be more jobs than people to fill them in the United States by 2018.

USA! USA!!

That’s right breadliners!
You are free to now fully embrace your unemployability and savor that soup kitchen flavor ‘cuz salvation is a mere 2,920 days away!!!

WOO HOOO!!!

In his positively atrociously titled report (After the Recovery: Help Needed – The Coming Labor Shortage and How People in Encore Careers Can Help Solve It), equally atrociously titled Barry Bluestone, Dean of the School of Public Policy and Urban Affairs at Northeastern University, forecasts that within the next eight years there could be at least 5 million potential job vacancies in the United States.

YAY!

And nearly half of them (2.4 million) in social sector jobs in education, health care, government and nonprofit organizations …

WOWEE!!

… assuming a return to healthy economic growth and no change in immigration or labor force participation rates, that is.

Wait.
Did he sneak in an ‘assuming’ in there?

“If the baby boom generation retires from the labor force at the same rate and age as current older workers, the baby bust generation that follows will likely be too small to fill many of the projected new jobs.”

Wait.
Did I sniff an ‘if’?

I did!

‘Assume’ + ‘If’ = UNCERTAINTY!!!

NOOOOOOoooooooo!!!!!!!

Ohh, but hang on there bums – there is a silverlining to Mr. Smartypants’ analysis.

His report is one of four released this week by MetLife Foundation and Civic Ventures, a think tank on baby boomers, work and social purpose. And all four soboringifyouhaveinsomniayou’llbeasleepinnotime reports come to the same conclusion:
Workers over 55 will be vital to meeting work force shortages.

So, see?
Good news!

Long about the time your retirement savings run out and you’ve surrendered or sold most of your assets to feed the members of your extended family and their families who had to move in with you just to get through the New Great Depression ‚ĄĘ – you’ll get to go back to work!

yay?

SOURCE

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March 25, 2010 at 10:13 am

Aim high


Four Detroit public high schools are embarking on a bold new plan to instill the drive for success in their students by guaranteeing them glitter, Riches and SECURITY in return for hard work and superachievery study habits!

HAHAHAHA!!!!!
Nooooo.

But they can help you get a job at Wal-Mart.

A new partnership between the daytime youth warehouses and the megagiant retail competition-crusher gives students future Made in China peddlers 10 shiny credits toward graduation, 11 superfun weeks of job-readiness training during the schoolday and *PAYDIRT* an after-school entry-level job at the store.
::: Cha … klink … ūüė¶ :::

The Detroit Free Press talked to the principal of one of the schools who sounded positively giddy at the idea of trading his students’ future for finite financial gain.
“The program will allow students an opportunity to earn money and to be exposed to people from different cultures — since all of the stores are in the suburbs.”

Oh yes.
Because we all know how enlightening, elegant and all-around educational the People of Wal-Mart really are! —>

Not so giddy about the plan was Donna Stern, the Midwest coordinator for the Coalition to Defend Affirmative Action, Integration & Immigrant Rights And Fight for Equality By Any Means Necessary (BAMN).
“They‚Äôre going to train students to be subservient workers,” she said. “This is not why parents send them to school.”

Now, it’s true that Detroit has one of the highest unemployment rates in the country, so helping anyone get a job there is a true mitzvah.
And it’s also true that the school system has been run into the ground harder than ValuJet Flight 592, with frightful financials leading to¬†layoffs and the closing of nearly 30 schools … and there’s about a hundredmilliongozillion percentage points of absolute certainty that there’s more where that came from.

So, you can close schools and you can layoff teachers but those pesky kids are gonna keep on comin’ – which begs the question:¬†What DO you do with them?

Well? What?

Wait …You think I have a plan?!

HAHAHAHA!!!!!
Nooooo.

It’s Detroit!
They’re all fucked as far as I can see!

All I know is that if I’m one of those students, I’m taking ‘How to be a Wal-Mart Greeter 101′ and gettin’ my sweet ass an easy A!

SOURCE

February 26, 2010 at 11:17 am 4 comments

United States of IOU?


California better reckonize!

That bitch has been out there behaving like a first-rate famewhore on the red carpet – totally hogging the ‘We Suck at Solvency’ spotlight! But she better step to the side because hers isn’t the only game in town anymore!

Oh ho no!

A new study by the Pew Center found that double-digit budget gaps, rising unemployment, high foreclosure rates and built-in budget constraints have brought Arizona, Florida, Illinois, Michigan, Nevada, New Jersey, Oregon, Rhode Island and Wisconsin to the precipice of joining Cali in the pageant of impovrished places pockmarking the American landscape.
::: Ten’s a crowd! :::

These states are fucked financially for basically one of three reasons:
1. They rely too heavily on one type of industry
::: diversity of DIE :::

2. They have a history of persistent budget shortfalls
::: finance FAIL :::

3. They face legal constraints that make it too hard to implement major changes, such as tax increases
::: judiciary JAM-UP :::

And it’s all a big ol’ bunch of SUCKS TO BE THEM until you realize that this mess is five slices of Serious Shit Pie¬† because¬†these piss-poors combine to account for more than one-third of the entire, whole and complete nation’s population and economic output.

!! STICKY SITCH ALERT !!

“Decisions these states make as they try to navigate the recession will play a role in how quickly the entire nation recovers,” one of the Pew peeps professed.

NO PRESSURE GUYS … but, uhh, could you get with the A program, so all of America doesn’t have to keep suffering?!?

Pretty please with a big ol’ stimulus check on top?

SOURCE

November 13, 2009 at 11:11 am 4 comments

Daily DUH!


World Bank President Robert Zoellick has the crucial info!
LISTEN UP!!!!!

Talking to reporters about the √ľberly-astronomical 10.2% U.S. unemployment rate, Mr. Braintrust blah blah’d:

“You’re going to have problems with delinquencies of credit card loans, consumer loans, people won’t be able to pay their mortgages. Some banks are going to continue to be troubled by bad loans.”

YA THINK?!?!?

Crickety cripes!
If all ya gotta do to head up the international agency tasked with floating finance to the fiscally famished is orate the ohmygodthatissofucking obvious to anyone within earshot — well you can color me qualified and sign my ass 20 kinds of UP for that shit!

Frealz!
That bitch banks more than $400,000 a year for spouting the self-explanatory?!

I want IN on that action!!!

I would love to get paid copious piles of cash to travel the world pointing out the patently perceptible, stating the ever-so simple and offering absolutely nothing in the way of intrinsic information!

I mean, it’s certainly gotta beat giving it away free like I currently do!

Now where’s that job app?!?

SOURCE

November 12, 2009 at 9:32 am 1 comment

Prepare to panic in 3 … 2 …


Don’t step out of lentil line at the shelter just yet, you bums!
There’s a brand spankin’ NEW crisis on the horizon!
::: Woo h .. oh wait. Not good … :::

NYU economist and all-around financial fiasco forecaster Nouriel Roubini
<————-
has just issued a code-red high-alert that the Federal Reserve and other money managers are fueling a massive new asset “bubble” that will someday go KAPLOW BIOTCH and steal your savings, render you blind and take away all your TP after giving you the 100-day poops.
::: poop! :::

The Roubinator says the Fed is holding short-term interest rates near zero *NO!* and investors and speculators are borrowing big bucks on the cheap *ACK!* and using them to pick up all kinds of Wall-Streety type shit like stocks, bonds, gold, oil, minerals and foreign currencies – which sounds all *GREAT!* because that means prices go up and mega money can be made which is a big ol’ slice of *SWEET!*, right?

Ya, not so much.

‘Cuz *SHOCK* it can’t last.

Eventually the Fed’ll have to raise rates, peeps’ll be panic-selling their stashes all over the gat damn place and the next big cash crash’ll come down harder than Amy Winehouse after another Blaaaaaaaaaake breakup!
::: FFFFFWOP! :::

“The Fed and other policymakers seem unaware of the monster bubble they are creating,” the economical extrasensory insists. “The longer they remain blind, the harder the markets will fall.”

RUH-ROHS!
Time to flex your beggin’ hands, hobos!

SOURCE

November 11, 2009 at 10:37 am 1 comment

GIRLCRUSH – The Sequel


Bitch is funny and topical!
I think I love her.

July 10, 2009 at 10:38 am

Digestive deliverance


I know I’ve picked on you, Southerners of America, but now is your time to shine!!

The economy’s already made mincemeat out of the automotive industry, the retail electronics industry, the teaching industry, the home improvement industry, the banking industry and, well, it’s just industry-cide any way you slice it — and now that beast is giving the ‘you’re next, sucka’ side-eye to the restaurant industry.

Well, primarily the drowning-in-debt, mall-friendly, eat-in, family-style restaurants and pick-up shops like Perkins, Sbarro, Captain D’s and Krispy Kreme — where a family of four can carbo-load and get their mega-calorie on for right around $6 per person – OR LE$$.

These snack shacks pack so much liability that they’re all on Standard and Poor’s watchlist of companies in danger of a downgrade … and I think we all know what comes next.

That’s right!
No more HOT DOUGHNUTS NOW beckoning you hither with the promise of warm gooey deliciousness when the bar kicks you out at 2 and the Krystal is closed.
::: HORROR!!! :::

NO NO NO NO NO NO!
That just
will.
Not.
DO!

Southerners!
It’s time to get down to business and do what you do best!
Strap on that feedbag, bitches!!

I have faith in you! I know you can do it!!

In a 2008 government survey, your circumfrences were the country’s Top fatok10 chunkiest!
YOU are dining’s Delta Force!

If anyone can save these esteemed establishments from economic euthanisia – it’s YOU¬†Mississippi, Alabama, Tennessee, Louisiana, West Virginia, Arkansas, South Carolina, Georgia, Oklahoma and Texas!

So haul your thunder thighs on down the road and Git R DUN!!!
Your country is counting on you!

SOURCE

June 15, 2009 at 2:39 pm

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