Posts tagged ‘earth’

Nature’s a muthah

Not that you didn’t know that obvious obviousity alfuckingready, but apparently some folks didn’t … and had to get their study on to get a gat damn clue.

So here’s the nugget:
If you start bringin’ the crazy all of a sudden – don’t panic.
It’s ok.

Because it’s, like, 100% Mother Nature’s fault.
::: subsitute teachers, guidance counselors, babysitters and parents everywhere breathe a sigh of relief :::

A report being released today titled ‘A Climate of Suffering: The Real Cost of Living with Inaction on Climate Change’ says the past 15 years of planet cracking has been a ”preview of life under unrestrained global warming”.

FUUUUUCK – this shit’s gonna get worse?
::: rhetorical question, of course it is – you thought 2010 was an anomaly?! :::

The report is the culmination of someone’s idea of serious researchological determinerifficality, prepared real special-like for the Climate Institute, and it puts the loss of social cohesion in the wake of severe weather events related to climate change squarely in the center of the blame circle of things that could possibly, likely be linked to increased rates of anxiety, depression, post-traumatic stress and substance abuse.

”What we have seriously underestimated is the effects on social cohesion,” said Professor Ian Hickie, the executive director of the Brain and Mind Research Institute. “That is very hard to rebuild and they are critical to the mental health of an individual.”


Dude, being stranded in your own flooded house with no running water (YUCK!) during a three-day power outage (BLECH!) with only a few gallons of wine to drink (PTOO .. oh wait, that was just good planning) wondering how the hell you’re even going to get out of your own neighborhood (SCARY!) if you run out (SCARIER!!!) clued The Cookie in to that whole anxiety, depression, post-traumatic stress and substance abuse ACK!!! after Hurricane Jeanne upended my shit in 2004!

Save yourself the next few thousand and spend some time in SoFla during a truly heinous hurricane and you can studerifically conclusionize for FREE all day long!


August 30, 2011 at 1:48 pm

Help me out for a sec …

When passing a Prius slathered in stickers proclaiming love and devotion to all things environmental and greeniliciously earthly …

… and the driver pushes a McDonald’s bag out onto that terrific terra through the window while driving the Florida Turnpike …

… what is that?


June 2, 2010 at 6:42 pm 9 comments

Planet Dearth?

With all those nasty carbon footprints trackin’ up the place, ozone layer probs and general worldwide whatthefuckshouldIcare attitude about this rock we call home, I have been furiously building an underground shelter and stocking doomsday supplies seriously worried about going all *poof* Game Over at some point.

But — thanks to the scientifical handiwork of the super-smarties over at the Carnegie Institution of Science — I don’t have to worry about living off hominy and drainage water anymore!!!
::: YAY!!!!! :::

According to at least one Mr. Brawnybigbrain, “there could be one hundred billion Earth-like planets in our galaxy.”
::: Woo hoo!!! Earths for everyone!!! :::

Based on the numbers of planets found so far outside our Solar System, Carnegie’s Dr. Alan Boss estimates that each Sun-like star has, on average, one “Earth-like” planet … which means there would be HUGE numbers capable of supporting life … which means the most magnificent intergalactic mulligan in this history of ‘that one didn’t count’ EVER!!!
::: Break out the Aqua Net and crank up the Hummer – we’ve got planetary BACKUP!!! :::

This is such a total slice of complete AWESOME that I almost don’t know what to do with myself!
I mean, just think of the possibilities!

We can continue to gut this bitch 20 ways to Sunday and Al Gorgeous can’t say shit!
‘Cuz it’s all good!
‘Cuz we can just MOVE!!
::: It’ll be like college all over again!! :::

“Not only are they probably habitable but they probably are also going to be inhabited,” Boss  told BBC News about the planets.
::: Wait. Did he just toss out a ‘probably’ or two?!? :::

“But I think that most likely the nearby ‘Earths’ are going to be inhabited with things which are perhaps more common to what Earth
was like three or four billion years ago.”
::: uuhhh … like dinosaurs?!? :::

Like bacterial lifeforms.
::: soooo, that’s a ‘no’ on trading this one in, then? :::

… I suddenly have an urge to plant a tree …


February 16, 2009 at 4:50 pm 8 comments

Rank … and File 13

Dear Earth,

I know it’s been a while since my last letter and I hate to be the bearer of even more bad news for you because I know you’ve been under your weather for a really long time, buuuut – remember how I told you the folks at the Pew Research Center were doing a survey to figure out what people think President O’Beautiful’s priorities should be?

Well, they’re done and … gosh, I, I just don’t know how to say this other than just to come right out with it …

About those priorities?
You’re not one.

I mean, your movie was off the chain and all – and you know how hot Al Goregous makes me (kind of like the way burning fossil fuels and deforestation make you feel) – but the bottom line is that we’re all just beginning the long journey out of the darkness of this New Great Depression and, well, you don’t put food on the tab … oh wait – ok, you sort of  do … ummm, uhh, what I meant to say is that you don’t pay the bills.
Yeah, that’s what I’m trying to say.

You don’t pay the bills, and so we have to make fixing the economy Priority Numero Uno right now.

Now, I know we made a big deal about you there for a while and, gosh, I sure hope you don’t take this too hard … it’s just that there’s just so much to fix!!

What with the economic situation, the health care situation, the education situation, the social security situation, the crime situa … well, just all the other situations we’ve been so so busy not fixing for the last eight years.

But you are important to me!!
You are!

Increased heating bills, higher cooling bills, rising insurance bills, ever-expanding grocery bills … I know you’re a part of making all of those bills higher … if only you could help pay for them …
… but you can’t and so folks were all ‘Global Warming Schmobal Schmorming, Earth Schmerth! – I need to get straight up PAID, bitch!’ when it was time to prioritize.

Soooo … you know, like, I’m sorry and all and I really do hope you feel better soon.
Maybe next year … right?!?

Yeah … ok … well, umm, see you at the rally in April



January 23, 2009 at 3:54 pm 10 comments

There’s a special place in hell …

OK – let me get this straight …

  • The Tribune Company’s in deep doo doo
  • The New York Times, on the verge of going tits up, takes out a second mortgage on their digs to the tune of about $225 million
  • McClatchy’s looking to cut their journalistic crown jewel
  • Businesses and newspapers left and right are riffing their ranks
  • Distressed displaced window company workers are about to enter Day 5 of peacefully protesting Bank of America‘s greedy bullheaded assbackwardness
  • Widespread panic over the New Great Depression tanks US Treasury yields to goose egg range
  • Some cities can’t even afford to recycle anymore
  • Entire school districts are going under
  • The bailout-a-palooza has cost us more than all US wars and government programs combined
  • The US economy has shed 1.9 million jobs this year (that’s 1.9 million people out of work, for you Republicans keeping score)
  • Our audaciously hopified president of change cautions us to be less hopified about our current (and future and future and future) situation …
  • ::: just to nutshell it for ya … :::

    … yet THIS greedy douchebag — who presided over his company’s $11.7  BILLION loss this year — is probably gonna get his manicured hands on the $10 million bonus he’s demanding.

    That about right?

    … cuz it doesn’t seem right …

    December 8, 2008 at 9:12 pm 10 comments

    Party Girl

    Did you know that a new poll shows 64% of Republicans say the Alaskan Hotness is their first choice to run for president in 2012?
    ::: IT DOES! THEY DO! :::
    *** And, I’m gonna go out on a limb here and guess that 100% of Democrats, Independents, Moon-Worshippers, Pixie-Dust Inhalers and other World Dwellers concur!  ***

    Reading the poll results (nearly choking on my coffee) my first thought was President … of the PTA? … of the Adopt A Polar Bear Cub Club?!? … of the Hottie GILFs (population YOU, girl!)?!?!?

    But NOOOO! They’re, like, of America and stuff!! And I’m all ‘HAHAHAHAHA!!!! Oh GOP, how you amuse me with your wacky party jokes!!’ … until it dawns on me that they’re frealz on this one and then I’m all ‘WHOA! They are serious as a Dick Cheney heart attack!’


    palinwinkFor the record: I’m on board – GO FOR IT, GIRLEEN!!

    Run baby, run!
    Run like you’ve never run before.
    Run until your little Alaskan muklucks fall off.
    Run to towns big and small all across this great land of ours and religionate the peoples; ethify the base and spread your rogue maverickness to the masses!!!!

    I’ll even donate because what surer guarantee can I have of my boyfriend locking in a second term by Christmas than the promise of an “I can do whatever I want until the courts tell me I can’t” Cam-PALIN-Palooza!


    November 10, 2008 at 2:43 pm 2 comments

    Hey kid! Stop killing the planet!

    For years, I’ve been telling people — people in the checkout at the supermarket, people in the waiting room at the doctor’s office, the guy who wrote me a speeding ticket last week, local PTA members and anyone else I feel needs to hear my decrees — that today’s youth are just too soft.

    It’s true! They’re a buncha adolescent pansy whingey whackas who spring leaks head-to-toe over even the mildest forms of mutilation.
    In America , that is … ‘cuz they don’t play that shit in Australia!

    When it comes to educating those annoying little ankle biters about the ways of this big ol’ world they favor the direct approach Down Under.

    Case in point?
    Planet Slayer – a website for the wee ones which aims to teach them all about the horrifically devastating and irreparable damage the little heathens are wreaking on the environment.

    At Planet Slayer, the younger rellies can:
    1.) Follow the adventures of Greena, the Worrier Princess
    2.) Learn about Greenhouse issues
    3.) Find out how much their lifestyle sucks (hehe, but no — fur realz!)
    and — my absolute personal fave —
    4.) Use the site’s Greenhouse calculator to find out just when they can reasonably expect to die — based on nothing more than their current greedy, whiny, planet-killing ways!

    The star of the show here really is the graphics — the chirrenz are represented as a pig and their disgusting, earth-raping habits turn them into a big ol’ fat, UGLY pig …
    … and then they explode!!!!!!!


    Screenshot goodness 🙂


    June 3, 2008 at 7:13 pm

    This is the shit you bitches are reading

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