Posts tagged ‘drunk’

Erin Go WAAAHHHHH!!!!!


I have a mission!
I’ve heard the call!!
I finally know my purpose, y’all!!!

I MUST SAVE IRELAND!!!!

Against the backdrop of deep recession and rampant unemployment, alcohol consumption all over the Emerald Isle has crashed harder than Amy Winehouse after a 4-month Blaaaaaaaaaaake binge!

FFFFWOP!!!

Ireland’s per capital alcohol consumption fell by 9.6 percent in 2009 and is now 21 percent below an all-time peak in 2001 when Ireland’s economy was booming.

TWENTY ONE PERCENT DOWNTURNAGE!!!!

“It was the worst year for our industry in living memory,” Kieran Tobin, chairman of the Drinks Industry Group of Ireland (DIGI), told a news conference in a central Dublin pub.

WORSTEST MOST AWFULEST YEAR IN LIVING MEMORY!!!!

And, if it wasn’t bad enough already – the decline in dedicated drinking was made even worse by the combination of a strong euro and comparatively low excise duty on spirits in Northern Ireland, because that shit flat out drove folks over the edge border to buy their drinks elsewhere, which cost the Irish government an estimated 100 million euros ($135.1 million) a year in lost revenue.

And all that statistical stuff translates to pubs closing at the rate of around one a day (YIKES) and 15,000 jobs lost across the region over the last 18 months.

PUBS CLOSING = DEFCON FIVE! DEFCON FIIIIIIIIVE!!!!!

This is serious shit and I won’t have it!

Hang on girl! Help is coming!!
Cookie and her hollow leg are on the way!!!!!

SOURCE

Photo: Reuters

March 24, 2010 at 10:18 am

Don’t worry ladies – he’ll be here all night!


Sometimes a golden opportunity just falls ass-first on the floor in front of you like a drunk fratboy on ‘ludes.

And, if you’re like me, you fucking LIVE for these moments!

I was lucky enough to be in the right place at one of the most mind-blowing times in recent history when, as odd as it seems, yours truly was *SHOCK* sober enough to capture the exact moment when idiot met dumbass and morphed into the most ritarculous example of douchebaggery I’ve had the pleasure to fully document in at least 16 days in a loooong time!

I AM SO LUCKY!!!!!

A group of hot sluts and I recently channeled our inner Whitney Harding and beheld the rough-and-tumble awesomeness that was the Gold Coast Derby Grrls giving the Blitzburgh Bombers a beatdown so bad they wished they could crawl back up their mamma’s vajayjays and take back their own births!

BOO-YA BITCHES!
Don’t mess with SoFla!

But the best part of the night wasn’t watching women in fishnets and kneepads for two hours (although not an unpleasant way to spend a Saturday evening! ;)).
No, the BEST part was the stupefying show put on at the bar when Mr. Mondo Dismo and his friend emerged to entertain the masses themselves.

Well, in truth, ol’ brownie over there –>
was too busy chatting up two women who prove the adage that everything looks/tastes better the more beer you suck down.

As the Chicago-style jazz/blues band belted it from the stage, Mondo was gettin’ his gyration on while working his $16 Haircuttery ‘Swoosh’ for aawwwllll the ladeez in da HOUSE … ‘cept no one was paying attention, so he kicked his Mondo moves into high gear with arm gestures, moonwalk missteps and a rarity — something you just don’t get to see in public very often anymore — self-induced nipple twists!

SWEET MOVES!

So there I am, enjoying my cocktail, taking cellphone snaps of a live cock literally losing his mind when … HE SEES ME!

Mr. Mondo Dismo slides his size 12’s over to our table, leans in and asks:
‘Soooewwwww, like, uh, hehe, *burp* yur taking my pictchur! Yoo wanna hit ‘dis?’

I look at my girls, laugh, then reply:
‘Don’t wanna hit “dat” – but I have to take your picture, dude. I just HAVE TO!’

To which he responds:
‘I know yooo dooo. ‘Cuz I am hot.’

To which I respond:
‘Actually, no. Because you are RIDICULOUS! HAHAHAHAHA!!

To which meathead actally laughed, nodded agreement then went back to the table next door to begin a solo-samba/salsa type mess aimed squarely at our table.

SNAP SNAP SNAP!

Suddenly he stopped for what I was sure was going to be a vomitus experience to which the entire bar would bear witness — but no!
He stopped to check his phone.

* Looks down, click click … looks up at me … looks down, click click … heads back my way *

‘I don haf ’em ‘n my phone,’ he says with just a hint of whine.
‘Have what?’ I ask.
‘Thuh pictchurz yooo tuk,’ he slurs.
‘Why would you? I don’t have your number. I’m taking them for myself,’ I say.

‘Cuz I am hot.’
‘Actually, no. Because you are RIDICULOUS! HAHAHAHAHA!!

Oooohhh ho HO I tell you … just every now being the most ‘sober one’ translates to F-U-N!!!

Win-win 😉

March 22, 2010 at 10:04 am 5 comments

Dumb Bitch of the Day


Old and Busted: Texting while driving
New Hotness: Shaving while driving

In addition to wearing the DBOTD crown today,
Megan Mariah Barnes ————————->
just may have to be presented with the keys to the Kingdom of Dumb Bitchery for committing what may be the most outward act of unbelievable idiocy I’ve seen in a loooong time since last week.

Bitch caused a crash while she was clippin’ the cooch driving along Cudjoe Key, ‘kay!

Ohh HO yeah … and in case you wondered, that there friends is an automatic nomination to the Dumb Bitch Hall of Fame!!

Popo types say the 37-year-old was on her way to see her boyfriend in Key West and wanted to be properly groomed for the visit so, along the way, she decided to cut her short ‘n curlies … but apparently forgot all about the skunk-trail she’s sportin’ up top!?!

Full. Force. FAIL!!!

Oh, but that’s just the start of her fuckery … it gets better!
Seated next to the Megster was her ex-husband, who took the wheel while she focused on her follicles.
::: wonder how the bf feels about that … :::

… and better!!
Mindless Megan was convicted of DUI and driving without a license the day before the coochie crash!

Ohhhhh my side hurts … sometimes this shit just writes itself …
SOURCE

March 10, 2010 at 11:02 am 10 comments

Limited Time Offer!!!


Like you bitches need MORE reasons to drink excessively on New Year’s Eve?!

McGuire, Jennings and Miller Funeral Home in Rome, Georgia is offering a free burial to folks who drink and drive (and, well, ok – DIE) while ringing out the old and drinking in the new.

The burial boys say anyone who signs a contract admitting they plan to booze it and lose it on before the clock strikes 2010 will get a free memorial complete with casket, grave, limousine and preparation of your pickled, earthly remains.
::: grieving rellies cursing your dumb fucking ass sold separately :::

Funeral home officials said the program is designed to save lives by making partygoers think twice about drinking and driving.

Looks like they forgot all about the terminally ill and terribly poor who may just see the bright side of a blue-light burial …

December 30, 2009 at 5:56 pm 2 comments

FOTY CANDIDATE!!!!


Adam Manning don’t know nothin’ ’bout birthin’ no babies, but that bitch for DAMN sure knows how to get his Bud on!

manningThe 30-year-old first-time father-to-be brought his baby mamma to the emergency room of Utah’s McKay-Dee Hospital to get her birth on when his beady, bloodshot eyes spied nurse hotty-totty and he lost his gat DAMN mind!
::: Daddy DOUCHE! :::

He is reported to have ‘looked her up and down’, commented on how attractive she was and told her she was ‘cute’.
::: Devoted Dad / Protective Partner / Mature Male FAIL FAIL FAIL!!! :::

The nurse apparently ignored his inebriated advances and moved to the other side of mom’s wheelchair, preparing her to go to the delivery room.

Not one to take a turn-down lightly, Manning then told the nurse that she had something wrong with her neck and that he would !!RED FLAG RED FLAG!! massage it for her.

And by ‘massage’ he meant he was gonna get his grope on in the general area of her boobages.
::: ee-ERR ee-ERR :::

fotyWhen the R(eally)N(ot impressed gropee) asked what
inthegoddamnedfuckinghell
he was doing, Manning’s wife or girlfriend or enabler or whatever she is responded that he was ‘just drunk’.
::: FUN FACT: That’s not ‘just’ drunk – THAT is ‘piss’ drunk! :::

The Ogden Police were called and promptly booked the nurse booby-grabber on charges of felony forcible sexual abuse.

And if you didn’t figure it out by now — yes, he missed the birth of his first child.

Now THAT’S a baby story the whole family will enjoy sharing for generations!!

SOURCE

October 29, 2009 at 10:08 am 2 comments

Happy National Tequila Day, Bitches!!



Roll out the Red Carpet to celebrate!

What goes in it:
11/2 oz Patrón Silver Tequila
1/2 ounce Patrón Citrónge Orange Liqueur
fresh raspberry juice
dash organic cranberry juice
fresh lime juice
gold sugar rim
orange wedge dipped in gold sugar for garnish

How to make it:
Wet the rim of a cocktail glass using an orange or lime wedge.
Rim the wet with gold sugar, shake off excess sugar and set aside
Pour the liquid ingredients into a cocktail shaker filled with ice.
Shake well.
Strain into the prepared cocktail glass.
Garnish with an orange wedge dipped in gold sugar.

TGIF!!!

July 24, 2009 at 10:40 am 2 comments

News you can use


Dear Cookie Monsters:

I care about you.
You are important to me.

And because I know the weekend is at hand and very shortly you will no longer be able to resist the urge to mentally just check-the-fuck-out for the next 48 – I want you to take a moment, draw in a cleansing breath and prepare your brain to absorb some truly crucial knowledge.

No matter how much of a rush you may be in …
No matter what your friend RayRay says …
No matter if you make it all the way to the legendary Triple-Double Dog Dare …

Do NOT, under any circumstances, try to load the boat ON the pickup.

Trust me. This shit does NOT work and it will absolutely fuck up your weekend.

Being a good drunk means being a prepared one.
‘Kay pumpkins?

Now go play.

XOXO
Cookie

truckboat2

March 20, 2009 at 3:55 pm 7 comments

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