Posts tagged ‘drugs’

Is this allowed?


0907_linsay_lohan_r_c_9906_akmimages_excNo. I’m serious.
Is it?

I mean, ok – maybe it’s part of the one THOUSAND and fucking twelve-step program this trick is workin’ … but otherwise I have to call giant FAILS on a haggard 23-year-old alky crackwhore dingbat wearing a ‘Just Say NO To Drugs’ T-shirt.

I mean, HAHAHAHAHA for irony and all, bitch – but Nancy Reagan is not amused, ‘kay?!

SOURCE

Advertisements

September 8, 2009 at 10:08 am 3 comments

Straight. Up. TRIPPIN’!


GIVE THANKS BREADLINERS!

You may have lost your job, house, savings, mind, self-esteem and overall reason to live in this New Great Depression, but a smallish ray of sort of goodness has pierced the barren landscape of your crappy life!

Your kids aren’t sniffing as much of the shit you keep in the cabinet under the sink!
::: See? It’s not ALL bad! :::

Some pencil pushers at the Office of National Drug Control Policy researchified what little Johnny and his friends do when you’re not looking and GOOD NEWS!
Fewer teens are sniffing glue, lighter fluid, spray paint, shoe polish and other easy-to-find substances“.
::: One less thing, right?!? :::

About a million kids aged 12 to 17 used some kind of inhalant in 2007.
Only a mil? That’s GREAT! It’s only 3.9 percent of the adolescents who could have been rifling through your Raid collection!

And if you compare that totally marvy 3.9 to the monstrously gargantuan four point four percent doing sniffy snax in 2006 – well, it’s just nineteen kinds of semi-conclusive that we could be on the cusp of potentially maybe winning the war on drugs Krylon and Kingsford!!!
::: I’ll drink to that! :::

Some folks attribute the slumping huffy puffies to “ongoing efforts to educate teens about the dangers of inhalant use and encourage parents to discuss the issue with their children” – which sounds good when you’re trying to secure ongoing funding and all, but – if we’re being honest?
They’ve just moved on.
::: bummer, dude :::

According to the study, the oh-so readily-available inhalants you bring home from Target and keep within arm’s reach came in a dismal third (17.2%) as the go-to get-high move for kids dipping a toe in the warm waters of altered consciousness for the first time.

On the other hand, the Viagra, blood pressure and other prescription meds mommy and daddy don’t lock up had a more respectable second-place showing (23.5%).

But the perennial favorite, the Cadillac of herbal remedies, the crap your kids will reach for first whenever it’s time to get the party started was, is and forever will be (56.3%) — the stash of marijuana you didn’t think they knew you kept in the back corner of your sock drawer.

… So that’s where it went! Goddamned Little Lebowski Urban Achievers …

March 17, 2009 at 12:07 pm 1 comment

Love Me (some legal) Tender


Because there really just aren’t enough quality opportunities to whore out the dead, Graceland decisionizers decided to open not one, Not Two, but THREE freshly-sequined Elvis exhibits for your viewing pleasure.
::: … something to do while you wait for the grand opening of Anna Nicole’s Pharmaceutical Phun House ..:::

Elvis in Hollywood, Elvis Lives: The King and Pop Culture and new exhibits in the Elvis Presley Automobile Museum all opened this week as part of the 70th Anniversary of the Shrine to Conspicuous Consumption.

“Elvis was and still is a star. He was so easy to work with and seeing this new exhibit with all of the movie memorabilia saved from his films is just amazing. From his scripts to his wardrobe, it’s all here,” blah blah’d some aging hag whose career of bit parts included some brief spanky times with The Pelvis in Blue Hawaii.

Visit Elvis in Hollywood to find out what only the deepest layer of the King’s innermost circle of confidants, advisors (and any buffoon who knows how to Google) know: The little-known account of how he was able to transition from singer to on-screen star *WOW* and how he took Hollywood, like, totally by storm to become its highest paid actor.
::: Graceland: Revealer of Secret but Obvious Mysteries and Puzzlements!! :::

Haul your Bermuda shorts over to Elvis Lives: The King and Pop Culture and learn all about the insidious ways he works his Ouija on the masses … from the beyoonnndddd.
::: GYRATIONALABULOUS! :::

Tour the Elvis Presley Automobile Museum and cast your beady eye on his Rolls Royce sedans and his 6-door Mercedes Benz limo — just don’t stare directly AT them, lest you be blinded by the parade of pomposity.

Oh yes!
There really is no more appropriate use of your time – OR your dwindling disposable income – than to drool over a dead man’s former dominion.

Just be prepared to pay up, breadliners! You don’t get these sweet treats on the regular tour!
You’ll have to shell out for the $33 Platinum Tour adult ticket if you want in on this action! (Or the $29.70 Senior ticket) (Or the $29.70 Youth ticket) (Or the $29.70 Student ticket) (Or the $15 Childern 7-12 ticket).
::: Gas up the Gremlin or get a ticket to Graceland … CURSE YOU NEW GREAT DEPRESSION!!!! :::

So go ahead – tump over the couch, crack open little Logan’s piggy bank or pinch some pennies off granny’s monthly check – do whatever you have to do to get  the hunka hunka cash you’ll need for the ongoing homage to the absurd that will forever be Elvis – the man, The Myth, THE LEGEND … the corpse who will make more money this year than you will in the next six …

SOURCE

 

March 10, 2009 at 4:16 pm 4 comments

Grifa grief


Get ready for Michael Phelps’ ‘Splishyboy Apology World Tour of Anguish’!!!

phelps_516_0102_25518aAqualung was caught tokin’ the tube during two days of way hard partying last November with some gold diggers students at the University of South Carolina in Columbia.

I guess he thought it was all good since November is typically “a quiet time in the swimming calendar when athletes would not expect to get tested for drugs.

Well  not so fast, Flipper!
One of those ho’s had a camera and snapped you doing some seriously non-role modely shit.
::: Dude — Celebrity Drug Addict’s Rule #1: Pat ’em down before you bed ’em down … ::: 

I bet his peen was so embarrassed that it called in sick and crawled all the way back inside his body cavity because once his spokesbitch hit him with the knowledge that News Of The World had the photo — faster than you can say ‘Duuuuuude … hehe … wai … whaaaaaat???’ – Bongboy admitted to the ‘regrettable behavior’.

In a statement released to The Associated Press, The Ocho said:
“I engaged in behavior which was regrettable and demonstrated bad judgment. I’m 23 years old and despite the successes I’ve had in the pool, I acted in a youthful and inappropriate way, not in a manner people have come to expect from me. For this, I am sorry. I promise my fans and the public it will not happen again.”

Aww c’mon dude — it’s not like you were doing snowcaps or crazy eddies … riiight?

Don’t worry – I’m sure those endorsements, book deal and mommy’s Chico’s contract will all be juuuust fine.

I mean, it’s not like you’re some lowly working-class fucking commoner – the kind who’d be 45 kinds of deep-shit busted for doing that kind of illegal-type crap with, you know, peeps who are, like, underage and all!

HELL TO THE NO!!!
Could you just imagine the totally chaotified pandefuckinmonium that would happen if we held celebritards to those ‘real world’ standards and consequence-type things?!?!?

HAHAHAHAHA!!!
Noooo – of course you can’t …

SOURCE1
SOURCE2

February 1, 2009 at 7:00 pm 5 comments

A Lite Reid


0The delicious nugget of sophisticated elegance that is human mattress Tara Reid has checked herself into Promises Treatment Center for a little Rehab 101.
::: probably more like a 500-level class in this case … ::: 

I’m shocked really.
No way I saw THAT one coming a mile away wearing fuck-me pumps and screaming ‘Ahh wohnna nuthur shohttt!!’ through a megaphone on Sunday morning.
Nope.
Total surprise.

Godspeed, delicate flower.
Godspeed.

December 13, 2008 at 1:21 am 8 comments

It’s that time again!


Not to be outdone by his Hey Mr. Postman March Pardon-Palooza, outgoing sad-excuse-for-a-world-leader George W. Bush forgave more sinners yesterday when he handed out his last batch of ‘Get Out of Jail Free’ cards.

Among those thrown a legal lifesaver are:
forgive1.) Richard Culpepper of Mahomet, Illinois who was convicted of making false statements to the government.
::: No, I am not plotting to overthrow the government and that is not a 20-foot container of C-4 buried under a bunch of hay in my barn … :::

2.) Carey C. Hice Sr. of Travelers Rest, South Cackalackee, who was convicted of income tax evasion.
:::  WHAT?!? Tax evasion is sooo last year! :::

4.) Paul Julian McCurdy of Sulphur, Oklahoma, who was sentenced for misapplication of bank funds.
::: Kind of like Citigroup … :::

and, my personal favorite:
5.)  Leslie Owen Collier of Charleston, Missouri, who was convicted of violating the Bald and Golden Eagle Protection Act.

Apparently Collier’s preferred method of getting rid of annoying animals was to leave them a burger buffet spiked with poison and among the many animals murdered by his method just happened to be the most revered symbol of our nation’s freedom … well, actually three of the most revered symbols of our nation’s freedom.
::: ruh roh … :::

Oh but hey, if you can’t forgive someone for carelessly offing our national emblem for their own convenience, who can you forgive?

“Tis the season!

November 25, 2008 at 2:47 pm 2 comments

Something’s missing


Joe the Plumber’s on board and so is Joe Six Pack.
Heck, even the grand-poobah of political peepaws himself – Joe Biden – is accounted for.
Yet scant days before the most important election in the entire history of all historical electionations ever to have taken place among the esteemed electorate inhabiting all corners of the Milky Way – we seem to have misplaced a Joe!

Where is the crucial Blow endorsement?!?

Don’t the candidates know true, real Americans only care about a health care plan that includes a wide (I SAID WIDE, BITCHES!) array of drug benefits?!?
::: sorry, the morning Prozac hasn’t kicked in yet :::

America isn’t a melting pot as much as it is a medicine cabinet. You can pop a pill for anything that ails ya!

Want to lose weight? Can’t get it up? Blood pressure too high? Thinning hair? Stressed out? Allergies? Common cold? Muscle aches? Stubbed toe? Hangnail?
Take a pill! It’s the American way!

Drugs are a part of everything that is truly American and, therefore, should be embraced as a key pivotal political issue.

Baseball: Steroids
Apple Pie: Preservatives
Mom: Lasix

Whether you’re a craggy AARP Q-Tip workin’ a Plavix fix or a common crack whore searchin’ for some half track – YOU, Mrs. America, have needs no employer-backed plan can possibly cover.

Oh sure, this is a nation of Nickelonians who will nod politely at the ‘You Betchas’ and give nudges of approval to notions of hopification and audaciousness. But make no mistake — it’s also a nation who wants to see their Joe, their ‘everyman’, courted by one of the campaigns too!

When will we hear Big Mac talk about the importance of scoring some bargain-basement Botox for his bride?
::: no stranger to chemical intervention she :::
Where does my boyfriend stand on the critical role the average clucker plays?
::: ‘cuz people pull some crazy ass shit over the rising cost of crank! :::

With granny’s medications costing more than her mortgage, and Vita-G costing a real one – there simply is no bigger pocketbook issue than this one!

The ‘war’ is over — tick tock, fellas!

October 29, 2008 at 4:46 pm

Older Posts


This is the shit you bitches are reading


Creative Commons License
Lifeisacookie is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 3.0 United States License.


%d bloggers like this: