Posts tagged ‘dog’

Mr. Cookie APPROVED!

When Mr. Cookie and I go for walks through our neighborhood we routinely pass pet owners guiding leashed dogs along their morning/evening stroll.

And we used to do the same thing with our most perfect dog in the world EVER before he moved to the great dog-walk in the sky two years ago.

Except we did it with a pooper-scooper.
A really cool spring-loaded one that made it easy to handle the business end of the canine constitutional.

Not so much with most of the poopers we pass these days.

Coming across random caca at the crosswalk has become common.
Detecting deposited dung is now just part of the drill.

And hey — when ya gotta go ya gotta go and all — but how hard is it really to manage that mess?

Apparently harder for some than others — and the poopetrators in my neighborhood aren’t alone.

According to Tennessee-based BioPet Vet Lab, 40 percent of dog owners don’t pick up Products of Uranus. With 75 million dogs in the U.S., that adds up to 15 million un-scooped poops — that is if Mr. Preshuss only makes mud bunnies once a day.

And in Baltimore – there exists an excretor so egregious that the Scarlett Place condo board is proposing DNA testing on all canines in the complex just to get control of the crap!

“We pay all this money, and we’re walking around stepping in dog poop,” said resident Steven Frans, who is clearly tired of random chocolate kisses. “We bring guests over and this is what they’re greeted by.”

If the pooposal passes, dog owners would pay $50 per pup, covering the costs of tests and supplies, and an additional $10 per month for the cost of having building staff scoop the poop. Scarlett Place staff would then send the samples to a Tennessee-based company called BioPet Vet Lab.

Using all the dog swabs, BioPet would create a doggie doo database. The samples would be used to identify the the dastardly depositer who left the colon cookies and the owner would have to pay a $500 fine.


Kinda makes that spring-loaded googe-grabber look good right about now, eh? $15.99 … in stores now!


May 20, 2010 at 1:41 pm 25 comments


I am sad.

In my super sparkly Girl Crush Hall of Fame are worthies like Angelina Jolie, Salmmmmmma Hayek, the HBIC herself and, of course, the hotness that is Whitney Harding.

There was a time when I would have also put Kristen Bell in the GCHOF.
A time, that is, before I found out that Kristen Bell is cunt bitch.

She is.

KB Toy and Hobby is out there whining because the elderly dog she adopted after Hurricane Katrina is *gasp* still alive four years later and now – at the MIRACLE age of 16 – hasn’t shown Kristen the courtesy of just fucking croaking already.
::: and it IS a miracle age … as anyone (including yours truly) who has ever had the privilege of caring for a truly elderly being can attest … ūüė° :::

When she adopted Sadie, Kristen was all, “I‚Äôm honored to be a part of such an enormous life-saving effort. I applaud all the shelter and rescue groups who have made this program the success that it is. I encourage everyone to consider pet adoption, as I hope it will enhance your life as much as it has mine.”

Mmmmm hmmm – how time does pervert perspective …

“I adopted this dog from Katrina when she was 12 ’cause I work with a shelter and they had a bunch of dogs and I said, ‘I’ll take the oldest one, I can care for her.’
“Cut to four years later, (I’m) actually thinking she may be a real-life vampire and never die.”


“She’s almost totally blind and deaf.”
::: umm ya, that kinda happens sometimes with age, dumbass :::

“When she’s in the house, you can hear her pooping from the other room, it’s like bowling balls dropping. She’s semi-crippled in the house and she breathes like Darth Vader.””

Uhh hellllooooo?!? SIXTEEN!?!

Kristen – hear me – because I don’t want to think that all hope is lost for you.

When living things get old they are a lot like living things when they are new – kinda helpless and need lots and lots of TLC, attention and patience. Got that pumpkin?

Your dog is 16 magnificently miraculous years old! A survivor!

Think of her as you would a senile 100+ year-old grandmother who sometimes doesn’t have the physical stamina or mental awareness to get herself to the proper facilities when nature calls. Would you be hoping the old broad would just take her last breath already so you didn’t have to put up with her probs?

On second thought, Kristen – don’t answer that – because I don’t want to think that all hope is lost for you.

February 1, 2010 at 11:19 am 1 comment

Tuesday Twofer

That’s right folks!!
It’s Double-The-Trouble Day here at LIAC as we bring you¬†the Dumb Bitch of the Day AND a Total Parenting FAIL¬† — All In One!!!!
:: soak it up snowflakes — ‘cuz you’re the only ones gettin’ anything poz out of¬†this sad tale of woe :::

Authorities are charging a North Carolina woman and her boyfriend with felony child abuse and being two of the most ginormously colossal fucking dumbasses in all of eternity after they slept their way through what we all know were¬†the hellish, shreiking cries of a baby having his toes chewed off by a dog …

And just how do mommy dearest and her luvah Zzzzzzz their way through such an attack?


::: I know, shock right? meh :::

But it’s true.
Seems Robie Lynn Jenkins was too effed in the head drugged up and twenty kinds of tahr’d y’all to be aware of her four-month-old boy bawling his tiny baby brains out as the pitt bull she and her boyfriend, Tremayne Spillman, were babysitting ate all five toes on the child’s left foot.

According to a sheriff’s office report, “Ms. Jenkins said she was taking medication and never heard the child cry out and only discovered the incident when she started changing the child‚Äôs diaper” THE NEXT MORNING!!!

And by ‘taking medication’ we have to assume they mean she was overdosing on Oxy with about twenty beer backs and nineteen Cuervo chasers ‘cuz that’s the only kind of sleepies I can think of that would render someone stone-cold fucking DEAF to the sound of their own child being eaten alive mere feet from their fucked up losery ass.

The wee one was transported to Pitt Memorial Hospital (a bit of karmic irony there …) where medical authorities warned he’s also in danger of losing the entire foot.
::: Major sad face! ūüė¶ :::

Not for nothing, but I’d say it’s time for authorities to help him lose his mess-up mother as well for, like, EVER!


September 1, 2009 at 10:36 am 4 comments

The latest craze(y)

This is the latest rage?
The newest fad?
What we’re trending now?

Stop it.
Just stop it – right THE fuck now!

Because if you’re retarded enough to actually do this to your dog then you should be required to post a YouTube video of the exact moment that Mr. Cuddles and Little Bobo decide your dumbass dimplebutt looks a fuckuvalot lot better than the wretched rawhide you plopped down as some pathetic distraction from the identity crisis you’ve wrought.

A classic lesson in just because you can, doesn’t mean you should

Don’t say you weren’t warned.

PHOTOS: Ren Netherland / Barcroft Media

August 27, 2009 at 11:29 am

¬°Yo quiero R.I.P

Gidget, the Taco Bell Chihuahua, has gone to the great Chalupa in the sky.

“She made so many people happy,” her trainer said.

Gidget got God’s call after suffering a stroke today¬†at age 15 … which would have made her¬†about 73-ish ¬†in ‘people’ time, which makes her death, well, not exactly untimely buuuut — due to her ‘star’ status¬†does beg the natural question:
Is she part of the threes?

YOU know.
Bea Arthur, Billy Mays, David Carradine, Farrah Fawcett, Ed McMahon, Michael Jackson, Walter Cronkite, Dom Delouise, Jack Kemp, John Updike, Karl Malden, Natasha Richardson, Ricardo Montalban, Ron Silver, Steve McNair …

Sooo, are we starting over?
Whaaaat? You were thinking it …

July 22, 2009 at 6:37 pm 2 comments

Puppy love

I am totally crushing on Allyson Siegel right now, y’all!

Allyson who?
<——– Allyson ‘PUPPEEEZZZZZ’ Siegel!
::: duh! :::

Bitch is just THE hottest thing coming out of North Carolina since Charlie Daniels, ‘kay?
Because she is a DOER!
She saw wrong and righted it!!
She channeled her inner superwoman and outbid a Coney Island freak show operator to buy a five-legged puppy last week,  saving the 6-week-old cutie patootie from a life of humiliation.



The puppy, a Chihuahua-terrier mix called Precious, was born with a six-toed fifth leg protruding from her stomach, between her hind legs. “She is beautiful, she’s not a freak, she’s a normal little puppy dog and she should be just like all the others,” Siegel said of the lucky little lass she’s now calling Lilly.
“I saw her and she’s so adorable and I felt like I needed to be an advocate for her because she can’t speak. It just broke my heart. I needed to see if there was something I could do.”

My new girlfriend adopted the diminutive doggay and has scheduled surgery to remove¬†Lilly’s leftover leg later¬†this month.

Love. This. WOMAN!!!


July 22, 2009 at 1:41 pm

The Inside (pooper) Scoop

I am so relieved!!!

Our long national nightmare may finally, actually, for REAL this time be, like, a serious kind of over!!!

Reports have surfaced that the rainbow king has made the ultimate headway!
True Progress!!

Yes, my friends — at long last — we have a breeeeeeed!!

The crack investigative team over at People Magazine has revealed that Renegade and Renaissance have decided it will be a Portuguese Water dog for little Radiance and Rosebud.
:::: exhaaaaaaaale :::

“Temperamentally they’re supposed to be pretty good,” the HBIC told the mag. “From the size perspective, they’re sort of middle of the road ‚Äď it’s not small, but it’s not a huge dog. And the folks that we know who own them have raved about them. So that’s where we’re leaning.”

onsdWait. Did she say ‘leaning’?
What is this leaning bullshit?!?
You’ve either decided or you haven’t — it is just. That. SIMPLE!!!

‘Leaning’ indicates an inclination, a proclivity, a liking — it’s not exactly a word that denotes the kind of concrete finality People Magazine led me to believe we were talking about here!

Those fuckers — I, I, I¬†can’t take this stress! The waiting? The wondering?? The worry?!?

Nu nu nu nu nooooooooooo … those little bitches are getting a¬†Portuguese Water dog and that’s that!
Case closed!
Done deal, people!!!

Don’t make me come up there!

February 25, 2009 at 6:47 pm 5 comments

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