Posts tagged ‘doctor’

That crack is WAK, yo!

Because I just don’t see it.

I don’t!

I mean – I can FEEL that shit, but I don’t SEE that shit.

See, that’s my knee down there (HI KNEE!) and, according to the HBIC at the walk-in I limped-in yesterday it’s cracked … maybe … possibly … so go see an orthopedic surgeon to find out for sure if that bitch is truly busticated.

So I did.
‘Cept he wasn’t sure either.

So now The Cookie’s gonna get her MRI on (NO SNEEZING, LIE STILL) tomorrow and maybe, possibly find the fuck out for good!.

Which makes me all ‘Really?!? Didn’t you guys learn how to read an X-Ray on, like, day 1 of doctor school or something?’

Because I sure can’t. But I don’t have to.
Because it’s a pretty well-established indisputable 100 kinds of true FACT that I am not a doctor or a nurse or a nurse practitioner or a medical assistant or the front-desk lady who gives out lollies.

But they are, which is why this ho hooks up with healing-types when her shit brings the hurt.

I go see people who are supposed to know shit so they can look at my shit and tell me how to fix that shit!

‘Cept modern medicine’s not as hot shit as all that.

Because it requires multiple examinations by multiple people over the course of multiple days to maybe, possibly find out why pain is radiating down my leg from the outside of my right knee and maybe, possibly fix that fuckery so I can get back to bidness!!


September 14, 2011 at 3:48 pm 1 comment

Butt … wait!

Congratulations Floridians – you’re one freedom fewer!

The Florida Department of Health has ruled – albeit reluctantly – that once you sign a medical procedure consent form you can’t stop the procedure once it’s begun … even, say ohhhh I don’t know — when the ANESTHESIA wears off?!?

That’s right, kiddies!
You get to grimace and bear it.
::: Just say ‘oh no!’ :::

Just ask the 61-year-old Pasco County woman who filed a formal complaint after gastroenterologist Kozhimala John refused to stop a colonoscopy after her anesthesia wore off and she was quite literally begging him to halt the procedure.

Investigative records of the May 2008 incident show the colonoscopy was underway when the sedation, a common mix of Versed and Fentanyl, wore off. Records show the patient told the doctor that he was hurting her and pleaded for him to stop.

He didn’t.

“Please stop!” she insisted, while the nurse tried to shush her, records show.

He didn’t.

“Most people would say: ‘I didn’t really mean for you to stop the procedure even though I told you to…’ She was under sedation,” John said. “I couldn’t take her words for sure.”
::: I bet you took her co-pay and insurance for sure though, eh doc? :::

After the complaint was filed, DOH lawyers (get the irony??) tried to find some clause — any clause — in the Medical Practice Act that would apply in cases like this.

They didn’t.

John, who is board-certified in internal medicine and gastroenterology, was charged only with inadequate record-keeping for failing to document the many ways the colonoscopy went awry.

He accepted a reprimand, a $15,000 fine, agreed to perform 100 hours of community service and take a course on “risk management.”

When the Board of Medicine heard the case in Orlando earlier this month, some members fumed about the state dropping the more serious accusation.

“There was unnecessary suffering inflicted,” DOH prosecutor Robert A. Milne told the Florida Board of Medicine recently, “but we had to (drop the charges) for legal reasons.”

Donald Mullins, one of three non-physicians on the 15-member board, spoke sharply to John. “It’s her body. She needed to make the decision. These were not your decisions to make … I’m disgusted that we’re going to (accept the settlement). I just can’t believe it!”

Miami pediatrician Onelia Lage said John displayed too little regard for the wishes of his patient. “Regardless of the legalities, when the patient screamed and said, ‘No!, you needed to listen.”

Maybe he will … maybe he won’t, but one thing’s for sure … he doesn’t really have to …

… and apparently, Floridians, neither does your doctor …


December 17, 2009 at 11:12 am 1 comment

Udderly Ridiculous

A human coathanger walks out of the house in a see-through blouse …

No, this isn’t a riddle … but it is a joke.

While you were busy siphoning gas from your neighbor’s car so you could make it to the unemployment office before the other nine thousand loiterers show up, other people were busy trying to solve real problems.

Limp nips.
::: Who knew?!? :::

This epic dilemma seemed to hit a tipping point after couture-loving international food hater Victoria Beckham was caught accidentally on purpose doing some super-serious raisin smuggling — resulting in an all-out firestorm of fake-titty frenzy!

Are they real? Are they fake? Are they fake?! Are they real? Real? Fake?! Fake!?! Real?!?

Deep breaths … sssshhhhhh … calm down.
It’s ok — it’s not a trick question. It’s Victoria Beckham.

British Titologist Dr. Riccardo Frati said, ‘In the past I’ve had patients coming to my surgery clutching pictures of celebrities like Katie Price and saying: “I’d like breasts like hers” but now there’s a chance that Mrs. Beckham’s designer nipples could be the next big thing for 2009’.


But seriously — while [a very small] part of me’s all ‘Who can blame the bitch for gettin’ her teet meat treated? Skeletor would practically disappear sideways if something [other than her pelvic bones] didn’t stick out!’ — the other 99.9999% of me is all ‘I’m gonna spend thousands for surgical results I already get for free with an auboobsunpadded bra and a little A/C? HAHAHAHAHA!!!! Noooooo.’

Weeelllllll, not unless I can really tweak the twins …



June 22, 2009 at 4:08 pm 7 comments

Oh what a tangled web!

I’m doomed.

But don’t feel bad for me  — you’re doomed too!
And so are all of your 3,487 best Internet friends because, apparently, making our presence known on social networking sites like Facebook , MySpace, Twitter, LinkedIn and Plaxo can make us all kinds of sick!
::: … and one very special kind of dead … :::

It’s true!
A real medical-type person said so!!
::: … better update your wills, ‘cuz it’s TTFE, bitches!!!! … :::

Research shows that, since 1987, the number of hours people [like us] spent speaking to others face-to-face has fallen dramatically as the use of electronic media increased.
::: Don’t blame the Mac! I’m just not that into you anymore … :::

internetsadThis hottest of critical topics got ink in the latest copy of the journal Biologist, where Dr. Aric Sigman warns that updating your status, managing your Tweets and friending every Tom, Dick and perv on the interwebs will give you the cancers and make your heart explode.

Oh, but it’s ok, snowflake! You’ll be so fucked-in-the-head batshit crazy you won’t notice!!
:::: Whew!! An UPSIDE!!! :::

Professor Pessimism’s got a boatload of empirically researchified datafication out there that shows — not only is the ‘cuddle chemical’ oxytocin negatively affected by ‘virtual’ contact — but people [like you] who spend too much time interacting socially [at home in your underwear] via computer are compromising your immune systems …
::: Big whoop … my drinking problem’s already taken care of that … :::
… and a compromised immune system could alter the way your genes work …
::: … enter my drug problem … :::
… and anyone who managed to stay awake in bio knows gummed-up genes can lead to all kinds of seriously icky bads.
::: … like my porn problem … :::

I mean, yeah, it sounds like something great for middle America to get superfreaked about and all, but me?
I think I hafta call bullshit on this bag o’ crap.

Anyone who ever met Wink – the psycho high-school blind-date who couldn’t understand my unwillingness to engage in sucky face-to-face time and felt his best course of action was to get out his Glock and make a go for it — knows it takes a helluva lot more than a computer connection to curdle the ol’ cuddle factor!

So, when the rest of you are done with dialysis and that latest round of chemo, bratzgirrrrrl2006 and I will be waiting in the chatroom.




February 19, 2009 at 8:11 pm 13 comments

Let’s stay focused, people!

Wait – let me get this straight …

The national average price for a gallon of regular gasoline is more than $4, which has caused:
* The po-po to get stupid creative
* Suburban brats to lose their shit over, well, losing their shit
* Caffeine-crackies to ditch their morning mocha-docha-nilla-soy-tofu-wheatgrass-no foam-grande-tall-whatthefuckisthisbullshit-latte
* Town fair operators to yank their weiners
… and well — you get the idea.
High gas prices suck, y’all!!

But it’s not just the price of petrol that’s turned us into a nation of Gloomy Gusses …
* Milk is nine-thousand-dollar-a-gallon (not really … but ‘get ready’ is all I’m saying …)
* Your 12-year-old rusted out Chevy beater is worth more than the house you bought a year ago
* That job you thought you had when you drove to work this morni … oh, sorry — HR on Line 2 …

No wonder a recent poll revealed 8 out of every 10 Americans think the country is headed in, well, just ALL kids of the wrongest or wrong directions!!
::: seriously  – we needed to do an actual poll to know this?!? :::

Buuuuuttttt — never fear!
Shallow American Vanity is here!!!


It’s true – just ask Lauren!

Lauren couldn’t get an unsecured bank loan to gas up the earth-raping Hummer she bought to show her incredible lack of self-esteem support for the troops back in the ‘boom times’ and the monstrosity has been on Repo Radar for almost two months and the wardrobe she bought her Puggle, Pookie, had to be returned and she found out just yesterday  that her office will be closing permanently this Friday so she won’t be able to make her annual ski-trip to Bamff and she had THE worst tiff with her BFF-4EVAR this morning (OMG – riiiight???) because she just gets sooo bitchy  without her a.m. Starbucks and … well — Lauren is just haulin’ the stressmonster around in every  possible way!!!

But take heart kiddies –  it will all be ok because Lauren is a modern, American woman. And modern, American  women have super-ninja skills when it comes to foregoing fuel and food and friends and fun as long as they can keep their one, true love:
Plastic Surgery

Ayep – In 2007, Americans spent more than $13 billion for nearly 11.7 million cosmetic procedures. That’s up from nearly 8.5 million procedures in 2001.
“While today’s economy reflects a slow-down in plastic surgery procedures, the specialty will weather the current decline in economic growth just as it has previous declines, such as the stock market correction after the 2001 Internet bubble,” said ASPS President Richard D’Amico, MD.
::: anyone else creeped out by a body doc who talks like a hedge-fund manager? :::

And really, when you get right down to it — isn’t it heartening to know that in these very uncertain and scary economic times, your fellow citizen-ettes are holding tight, tight , TIGHT to the things that really matter …
Botox, bigger lips, new boobs and lipo

God Bless Help America

June 25, 2008 at 3:02 pm 5 comments

Whatever upset him must have been BAAAAADDDDD

Fargo wood chipper sceneA Minnesota man, somewhere between 19 and 21 years old, apparently tried to Fargo himself this week.


He just might have pulled it off were it not for some quick-thinking, do-gooder tree service guys who shut down the industrial-sized wood shipper just after suicide man dove in head first.

Yes, you read that right … they shut it off just after he dove in head first.

::: don’t think Band-Aid makes anything for that :::

As you guessed, the man suffered ‘severe, life-threatening injuries to his head and torso’ and is now an ICU patient at Regions Hospital in St. Paul.

The local teevee station, 5 EYEWITNESS NEWS, says it doesn’t normally report suicides, but since the incident took place in a public area they figured, ‘aww shit, what the heck’.
As an added bonus, a hardware store’s surveillance camera may have captured the event on tape.

Any guesses on how long before the station has a second helping of ‘aww shit, what the heck’ and airs that mess?

May 16, 2008 at 4:05 pm 1 comment

This is the shit you bitches are reading

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