Posts tagged ‘dead’

Limited Time Offer!!!


Like you bitches need MORE reasons to drink excessively on New Year’s Eve?!

McGuire, Jennings and Miller Funeral Home in Rome, Georgia is offering a free burial to folks who drink and drive (and, well, ok – DIE) while ringing out the old and drinking in the new.

The burial boys say anyone who signs a contract admitting they plan to booze it and lose it on before the clock strikes 2010 will get a free memorial complete with casket, grave, limousine and preparation of your pickled, earthly remains.
::: grieving rellies cursing your dumb fucking ass sold separately :::

Funeral home officials said the program is designed to save lives by making partygoers think twice about drinking and driving.

Looks like they forgot all about the terminally ill and terribly poor who may just see the bright side of a blue-light burial …

December 30, 2009 at 5:56 pm 2 comments

Droll Tide


It comes as no surprise to anyone who has even the remotest passing knowledge of The Cookie that Auburn Football is the absolute and complete love of my life.
::: It’s ok – Mr. Cookie has learned to deal. :::

And even knowing that about me, the peeps here in Florida think I’m joking when I tell them nothing – and I DO mean nothing – is more important to people from the state of Alabama than almighty football.

Which is why – despite the fact that it centers around the hated, The Despised, THE DEVIL’S SPAWN that is the Alabama Crimson Tide – I am totally down with the following and don’t find it at all ridicutarded.

Lawyers representing the defendant in an accidental death case — a case that has taken four years to come to trial — asked the judge to delay the trial because it conflicts with the Alabama-Texas BCS title game on January 7.

And judge sez?
Sure!
::: Whaaat?!? It IS the championship game! :::

Attorney Jon Terry argued in his motion for delay that the trial was scheduled “before certain monumental events occurred,” that some attorneys have tickets to the game, that jurors are likely to be preoccupied and that opposing attorneys went to Auburn.
::: Monumental … you know, like barely beating Auburn in the final minutes after having your Heisman hero being held to less than one yard per carry by my beloved Tigers in the heartbreak game of the year … uh huh sure, but whatever … :::

“ROLL TIDE!!” the motion concludes.

Circuit Judge Dan King, an Auburn alumnus, said he planned to grant the motion.

“If I didn’t, they’d say, ‘He just didn’t grant it because he’s an Auburn fellow,'” he said. “I wouldn’t do that to ’em.”

Shockingly – plaintiffs attorneys have a problem with this!
::: must be grouchy Gator grads … :::

In a motion filed Thursday morning they argued that the trial should begin as scheduled.
“Simply stated, some things are more important than football,” the motion said.

BLASPHEMERS!!!

Judge Scott Vowell, the presiding judge in Jefferson County and also an Auburn alumnus [we DO rule!], said he’d never before seen a motion that requested a continuance because of a football game but gave the Tiders mad props for coming clean.

“There’s been some motions for continuances and I’ve suspected what the real reason was,” he said. “But this is the first one I’ve seen that was this honest and candid about the reason.”

Judge King, who had not yet issued a formal order late Thursday, said he would reschedule the trial to begin in a month or two.

Bama — ballsy on the field … and off!

SOURCE

December 18, 2009 at 11:58 am 4 comments

Off the clock


Today’s heartwarming holiday-time tale comes courtesy of  The City of Brotherly Love — where the caring and compassionate crew over at Aria Health’s Frankford Campus couldn’t be bothered to check on a man clutching his chest in apparent distress … then losing consciousness … then losing, well, LIFE.

Hospital security video shows 63-year-old Joaquin Rivera going to the window twice in the 11 minutes after he arrived on Saturday, complaining of chest pain – which you’d think medical types would take a few shades of serious, right?

Not in Philadelphia they don’t!

No one bothered to check on Rivera for almost an hour — even after he reluctantly released all responsiveness and apparently said a big ol’ buh-bye to breathing.

Well, no one, that is, except for the asshat who made a five-finger discount on the dying man’s watch!

Philly fuckery!!!

The cops have confiscated the tape and are planning a sweeping investigation of hospital neglect that will undoubtedly result in a scathing indictment of the facilities nincompoopedness and lead to stricter controls on patient care.

HAHAHAHA!!!!
Noooo.

They’re just goin’ after the watch ripper-offer.

Way to stay classy, Philly!

SOURCE

December 8, 2009 at 10:51 am 1 comment

R.I.P. Patrick Swayze :(


NOOOOOooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!

Curse you Summer of Death!!!!!

patrick-swayze-dirty-dancingPatrick Swayze, who made me want to grab my grenade launcher and fuck shit up as Jed Eckert …

Patrick Swayze, who made me want to grind it like I mean it as Johnny Castle …

Patrick Swayze, who made me want to buy a bunch of clay and make shit as Sam Wheat …

Patrick Swayze, who made me want to bust some HEADS as James Dalton …

Patrick Swayze, who made me want to catch a major curl as Bohdi …

… has lost his battle against pancreatic cancer and died …

… at the justfuckingwaytoosoon age of 57.

😦

September 15, 2009 at 10:35 am 3 comments

R.I.P. “Norma Rae”


sutton1Bow your heads, take a moment and say a little prayer, for the Summer of Death has laid claim to another.

The woman who inspired the 1979 movie ‘Norma Rae’ has died.

North Carolina’s Crystal Lee Sutton (at left with Sally Field) lost her long battle with brain cancer.
She was only 68.

Sutton’s fight to change the insultingly low pay and devilishly poor conditions at the Southern textile plant where she worked was chronicled in the 1975 book Crystal Lee, a woman of inheritance by New York Times reporter Henry Leifermann.

deniedThe book was later made into the legendary Academy-award winning movie — shot at the (not so legendary) Golden Cherry Motel and Opelika Manufacturing Company in Opelika, Alabama.

Unfortunately – or perhaps sadly fittingly – Sutton died just as she lived – struggling against a corporate bully … only this time it was the health insurance company delaying her treatment.

Godspeed Crystal Lee … Godspeed.

September 15, 2009 at 10:19 am 3 comments

The boys are all home Rose …


And the summer of death claims another …
R.I.P. Ted Kennedy

ap_ted6_080517_ssh

August 26, 2009 at 10:08 am 1 comment

A moment of silence, please


The awful terribleness has happened!
Darkness and despair have descended upon me!!
Life is forever changed!!!

MY CELLPHONE HAS DIIIIIIIED!!!!!

How can I be anything but super-exclamation pointy emotional about this deadphonetragedy!?!?!?!?!

Even as I sit here looking at its lifeless little body splayed in front of me, I can’t believe it happened! One minute I’m blah blahing to someone about some very crucial and marvelously meaningful crap or something and the next minute I’m in a blah blah blackout!
Oh the humanity!!!!

I feel so alone, so isolated without the trusted companion and daily partner to the spasmodic distraction that is my life!

Oh, I know I’ll find another, but let’s be honest — it won’t be the same!
Oh sure, it’ll be sleek and shiny with supercool 3G features my now-dead NoG never had but let’s be honest — it won’t be the same!!

Wait.
3G?
THREE GEE?!
::: wheeeeeeee!!!!! :::

uhh … gottaruntotheAT&Tstore,LOVEYOUOLDPHONE – BYE!

August 21, 2009 at 12:41 pm 2 comments

Older Posts


This is the shit you bitches are reading


Creative Commons License
Lifeisacookie is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 3.0 United States License.


%d bloggers like this: