Posts tagged ‘criminal’

Dumb Bitch of the Day


Springfield, Missouri’s Caitlen Watkins of was driving around the parking lot of her local shopping center and had just found a spot to her liking when another driver swooped in and snagged the spot for himself.

Don’t you just hate it when that happens?
Yeah … Caitlen does too.

But, being the fine, upstanding young woman, role model and future leader that she is, Caitlen simply shrugged off the stolen spot and went on her merry way.

HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
Noooooo.

She put on her pissy pants, channeled every ounce if idiotic rage she could muster and got her stab on!!
::: … over a parking spot … :::

But see, Caitlen’s all ‘can-do’ like that.
It’s just how she rolls.

— She can and does react to everyday situations inappropriately
— She can and does make horrifically poor decisions
— And now – the 18-year-old can and will partake of the varied amenities and gangly band of rejects joining her at the county lockup.
::: … over a parking spot … her parents must be SO proud … :::

According to court documents, Caitlen and some secondary asswad who was with her in the car went all ‘Oh no you di’INT!’ and confronted the spot stealer, which led to a fight, which led to the other driver suffering a punctured kidney after being stabbed half a dozen times with the wooden-handled, 5-inch icepick Caitlen apparently keeps around for point-making opportunities such as this one.
::: MYYYYY  parking spot, biatch!!! MUAHAHAHA!!! :::

The other driver went to the hospital.
Caitlen went to the pokey.
::: Bet she learns REAL fast how it got that name! 😉 :::

She has been charged with first-degree assault and armed criminal action.

But don’t worry — look how  pretty she is!!
————————>
She’ll make LOTS of special new friends inside!

Caitlen, hon?
Smidge of advice?
Angry, imbecilic and operating at full retard is no way to go through life, kid …

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December 23, 2009 at 11:20 am 2 comments

The Fast (food) and The Furious


I love it when some psych-ward reject losing his collective shit at a fast food joint because he didn’t get the VIP treatment!!!

THAT is quality entertainment all the way!

I mean, what greater hee hee is there than people who willingly become part of the cattle-call of carnivorous customers ordering chow from giant, plastic menus – only to bring a bargain-basement version of ‘Don’t you know who I am!?’ when the 10th grader behind the counter fails to move the slop on the chop-chop?!?

There is none!
It’s the best!!

Behold the wonderful whackjobs from this week and see what I mean!
Thursday, Massachusettes: Kentucky Fried Chicken
Two dumb skanks get their snots in a snit and brought the #$!**& you *&%!*ing #$!**&ety #$!**&s because their bucket o’ greasy chicken bits didn’t come out of the deep-fryer fast enough.
And, when another customer asked them to tone down the color-foodfightcommentary ‘for the sake of the children’ they brought a *&%!*ing beatdown so finger-lickin’ good that it got ’em 20 kinds of arrested.

Have fun at KFCounty lockup!

Tuesday, Miami: Taco Bell
Idiot asshat is annoyed that the Taco Bell he decided to visit at 3:40 in the morning is *SHOCK* closed for business – thus preventing him from getting his gordita!
The pissed-off patron cooled his chimichangas in the parking lot until the employees doing cleanup made a break for the homestead.
Bonehead put the kibosh on their run for the border by gettin’ his bang-bang on instead.

Cookie thinks someone needs to think outside the gun!

Those dives ain’t Le Dome, ya fuckin’ mo’s!!

Oh, but it’s ok … I can’t WAIT for the natural hilariosity of the kiddie riot when Carvel runs out of baseball nut!
::: is it wrong to pray for video? :::

October 7, 2009 at 10:19 am 1 comment

Dumb Bitch AND *bonus* Dumb Fuck of the Day


While you were busy with normal Fourth of July customs (like eating barbecue and corn-on-the-cob and dressing the fam in various and sundry American Flag paraphernalia and giving your 8-year-old a fiery handheld pyrotechnic device to play with) two twits in Tampa were busy going crackhead crazy as their preferred method of quality family holiday fun.

<— James Maymi and Virgen Lopez  had a date with —>
dumbass and nothing was gonna get in their way!

Himbecile and the chowdahead had plans for some early morning drag-racing — because helllooooo –  that’s what you do when you drive super-spiffy primo wheelage like a 1990 Acura and a 1988 Honda.
Fuck your Chevy and your souped-up ‘Stang, man! Nothing says badass like a two-decade-old four-door!
Well, not unless it’s a two-decade-old four-door with some supa-foin Safety 1st kiddie seats stapped in!

And aren’t you just shocked to know that’s just how Maymi and Lopez like ’em!?!

stupididiotThese two plonks were haulin’ behbehs around while they cranked it at about 100 miles per hour down the Courtney Campbell Causeway.
::: I bet those kids were ridin’ REAL dirty after about 80 mph :::

Oh, but then the cops showed up and busted the little pavement party.

Now, it’s just a guess, but I’m thinking dude won the race because, I mean, ok, sure — Lopez was charged with being a dumb fucking crackwhore bitch for racing her hoopty around with a two-year-old in tow – but Maymi plays this shit on a whole other level!
He’ll see your two-year-old and raise you a toddler!
::: Boo-ya! :::

But times have changed and cornering the market on monstrous moronitude doesn’t have quite the caché it used to.
Especially when the meth money runs out.

So, while the DB had enough child support and W.I.C. tickets to make bail, the DF’s gonna be busy makin’ new friends and having romantic jail sexies while he waits for a date with justice.

Ahh, holidays …

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July 6, 2009 at 2:56 pm 2 comments

The family way?


This is some sinister shit, yo!

imlerA 46-year-old Pennsylvania whackjob
————————————–>
 is in the chokey, charged with trying to kill the fetus of a 17-year-old girl.

But that’s not even the worst part, see, ‘cuz he wasn’t the doer.

Nope.
Scaryeyes was helping two teenage nitwits get their homicide on by lending a hand as those hos put an abortioninducing horse, pig and cow hormone in her drink.
::: I bet it tasted like chicken … :::

Police say the girl’s 16-year-old babydaddy and a 17-year-old baka “stole the drug and a syringe from a local farm and added a ‘drop’ ” to a bottle of Gatorade. Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dumb then delivered the deadly drink to the girl, who drank it.

A couple of 60’s later, another acquaintance got all ‘HAHAHAHA – you just drank POISON, bitch!’ – which is when the girl made a beeline for the hospital — which is when the whole ‘evidence > suspects > conspiracy > arrest’ chain of events got going.

Jonathan Imler is charged with attempted criminal homicide, aggravated assault of an unborn child, simple assault, recklessly endangering another person, theft by unlawful taking and corruption of minors.
::: when they get to his motives — 100 bucks says love of young peen’s in there somewhere :::

Don’t freak — authorities also filed juvenile petitions against the moron twins.

And the upside of all of this?
Oh sure sure – the baby was born all normal and shit so yay and awesome and way to go and all … but the REAL upside is that baby killers are hella popular in the pen!
::: It’s the gift that keeps on giving … every night after last check and lights out!  :::

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May 21, 2009 at 4:01 pm 2 comments

BAD Penny!


What is this?
Oneupsmanship Week?

First we witness master moron Renee Vanalsburg stright up clobber reigning douchebagette Genine Compton in our sacredly senseless Dumb Bitch category and now we find that some callous cow named Penelope Jordan is giving Robert M. Rozenti — the de facto Awful Offspring poster child — a serious run for his money!

<— Rozenti, you may remember, is the gross muddascunt who was arrested in January and charged with neglecting his 90-year-old mother, who was found emaciated, left in urine-soaked clothes and wearing shoes that had grown into her feet!!!

Jordan, on the other hand, is the putrid progeny who was discovered this week to have kept her mother’s mummified remains in their home for so long that the woman’s skin fused to the fucking mattress!!!!!!
::: yes, deserving of six exclamation points :::

The unholy bitch told police she never reported mummy’s death because she “couldn’t afford burial expenses” … and that shit might have even been the teensiest bit believable if she hadn’t also been cashing the not-so-dearly departed’s Social Security checks for years and years and years.

A complaint about nuisance cats tipped off authorities that something wasn’t right at the Jordan ‘stead. An animal control officer removing possibly feral felines there called police after finding the front door open with no one home.

But Penelope the prevaricator was there when the cops arrived and gave them some cock-and-bull canard about her mother’s whereabouts before extending the outrageously inane invitation to ‘come inside’.

They did.

And after wading through wall-to-wall debris, investigators found poor old and definitely dead 96-year-old Timmie Jordan — still in her nightgown — her skin fused to the mattress.

Penelope is charged with fraud and grand theft and is being held in lieu of $20,000 bail Tuesday at the Indian River County Jail.

You know, if there is any justice in the world, ya gotta hope ol’ Penny finds herself sharing a cell with some truly savage soul who has a predilection for pervy whores and likes long shanks in the shower.

Ya gotta, right?
Well, I do …

March 25, 2009 at 4:36 pm 2 comments

In Bay City it’s pay up … or DIE!


Hey — way to go, Bay City, Michigan Utility Nazis!

Your black-hearted money grubbery at the pinnacle of this New Great Depression now has a body count!

93-year-old Marvin E. Schur died “a slow, painful death” after he fucking FROZE TO DEATH inside his own home — mere days after you limited his use of electricity.

Bay City’s Manager, Robert Belleman said the the city didn’t do anything wrong because the nearly century old human being owed Bay City Electric Light & Power more than $1,000. So, see? They were forced — FORCED I tell you – to freeze him the fuck OUT!

baycitymichNow, $1,000 in unpaid bills is a lot, I’ll grant you. But at some point during the accrual process wouldn’t you think there’d have been a phone call or, ooo I know – a visit to Mr. Schur’s home to check the sitch???
I mean that would have been easy considering his house is only ONE GODDAMNED MILE FROM THE GODDAMNED UTILITY OFFICE!!!!

Uh huh — a proactive approach — what about it fellas?? Ever think of that???

HAHAHAHAHA!!!!
Umm, yeah — looks like a big cuppa negatory on that one!

And it’s too bad, because, according to their website, at the close of 2008, Bay City Electric, Light & Power owned and operated utility assets of $64 million with total annual revenues of approximately $25.6 million.

Buuuut, instead of tapping their own admittedly robust resources in fine mistzvah fashion …
or getting really radical and working out some sort of payment plan …
or doing the unthinkable and asking for donations to help the poor old man …
OR – oh hell, just making the smallest of efforts to go that extra smidge and contact folks who, like, help needy elderly people??? (… like, oh I dunno – say, the ones on the list of ‘Agencies and Organizations Providing Emergency Help’ that’s fucking LISTED ON THEIR OWN FUCKING WEBSITE!!! ACK!!!)
Ohhhh no.

Instead of foolin’ with of any of that shit – the Bay City bastards did things another way.

The greedysonofabitchfuckingheartlessasshole way.

They installed a “limiter” device to restrict the use of electricity at the old man’s home

… in the middle of WINTER …

… in MICHIGAN!

The nifty little device limits the power coming into a home and, as an added bonus,  blows out like a fuse if consumption rises past a set level.

But the best part?
The power doesn’t get restored until the device is reset.

Belleman said city workers keep the limiter on houses for 10 days, then shut off power entirely if the homeowner hasn’t paid utility bills or arranged to do so.

But they didn’t have to do that in Marvin Schur’s case.

NOSIREEEE!!!!
It only took them four days to kill him, instead of the policy-mandated 10.

See, somehow, the limiter was tripped sometime between the January 13  installation and the January 17 discovery of his frozen deadness.

At the time his poor neighbors found him, the temperature inside his house was below 32 degrees and ice had formed in the kitchen and on the inside of his windows.

“It’s not easy to die from hypothermia without first realizing your fingers and toes feel like they’re burning,” said Kanu Virani, Oakland County’s deputy chief medical examiner, who performed the autopsy.

Ever the PR machine, Belleman was quick to lay blame smack DAB where you’d expect: On the neighbors!!

“I’ve said this before and some of my colleagues have said this: Neighbors need to keep an eye on neighbors,” he alibied. “When they think there’s something wrong, they should contact the appropriate agency or city department.”

Stay classy Bay City … stay classy

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ACK!!!!!

January 27, 2009 at 2:33 pm 34 comments

Felonious free-for-all?


So the New Great Depression is kind of a bummer for most folks, what with losing their jobs, their houses, their entire life savings, their health care, their identity and their self-respect and all …

… but do you know who it’s good for?

FELONS, that’s who!
:::  … always two sides … ::: 

With state budgets in Defcon 5 panic mode – governors, legislators and prison officials across the country are rethinking that whole ‘justice for all’ concept and making policy changes that would put Big Stan, The Ox and Lester the Child Molester back on your block aaaaany time now.
::: Get the Welcome Wagon ready! ::: 

Prior to this fiscal crisis, legislators could tinker around the edges – but we’re now well past the tinkering stage,” said Marc Mauer, executive director of the Sentencing Project, which advocates alternatives to incarceration.
::: Putting the hood back in your ‘hood one day at a time! :::

“Many political leaders who weren’t comfortable enough, politically, to do it before can now,” he said
::: ‘I’m sorry Parolee # 286998 hacked your family to death — but think of the money you’ll save on tuition! :::

TOOT TOOOT!!!
All aboard the freedom train!

Virginia Governor Tim Kaine is proposing early release of about 1,000 inmates.
::: Thugtastic! :::

New York Governor David Paterson wants early release for 1,600 inmates.
::: Shankerific! :::

And Kentucky recently implemented a ‘temporary’ cost-cutting program that’s given early release to nearly 2,000 inmates … including murderers and other violent offenders!
::: ‘cuz why should child-touchers and embezzlers have all the fun! :::

“There’s a new openness to taking a look,” said Michigan Senator Alan Cropsey, a Republican who in the past has questioned prison-reform proposals but — now that everyone can blame everything on the economy — isn’t gonna waste precious time thinkinating and solutionizing.

And who would?
Pansy ass liberals – that’s who!

Wussy hippie alarmists — like Thomas Sneddon, executive director of the National District Attorneys Association — are all ‘uhh, maybe there’s a better way guys???’

“I don’t think the public at large has any idea of who’s in these prisons,” he whined. “If they went and visited, they’d say ‘My God, don’t let any of these people out.'”

Actually, it’d be more like ‘ OH HOLY FUCKING SHIT! He’s in for WHAT?!?’
But who cares! A penny saved, right? 

Cue BCO share takeoff in 3 … 2 …

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January 10, 2009 at 11:21 pm 17 comments

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