Posts tagged ‘crazy’

WWJD?


He’d creep up into your crib, drop his drawers and insist on sex with your spouse and spawn, of course!

Just ask Jesus 65-year-old Jean Timms of Gun Town (yep, you read that right), Mississippi, who let himself into an abode in Franklin, Alabama and told the startled homeowner that he was the savior himself and was there to have sex with the man’s wife and daughter.

MESSIANIC MONKEY BUSINESS!!!

After a couple of minutes passed with no water turning to wine, harps and cherubs appearing or diseases being miraculously cured, the Lamb lunatic of God got all ‘ok, haha, ya got me … I’m really Elvis Presley’ … then he dropped his pants.

A-wop-bop-a-loom-a-boom-bam-boom
TUTTI FRUTTI

Cue the 911 call and here come the boys in blue, who found Jes … Elv … WHACKJOB just outside the house with his pants still pulled down.

Upon his arrest, Timms pulled a true switcheroo and claimed he was REALLY the grandson of Harry Houdini and could escape from anywhere – ANYWHERE, BITCHES!!!!!

… ‘cept those skills clearly need work cuz’ The Great Disappointment is still sitting in the Franklin County Jail … without bail.

FAIL!

Franklin County District Attorney Joey Rushing – in an uncanny rendition of FUCKING OBVIOUS! – said, “Just based on the circumstances of the arrest, we’ll be asking the state to conduct a mental evaluation on the suspect when the time comes.”

ya think?!

SOURCE

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March 31, 2010 at 10:21 am 2 comments

Grave mistake


What in funkified fucky-times hell is going on in South Carolina!?

If it’s not their hornytoad hypocrit of a governor out there gettin’ his ‘hike’ on, it’s idiot employees in their attorney general’s office out there gettin’ their creepily, kinked up copulation on!

Meet Roland Corning. —–>
Corning likes to spend quiet evenings in South Cackalackee cemeteries with 18-year-old strippers, a shitload of sex toys, some Viagra for good measure and a whole lotta ‘It’s OK, officer. See my official AG’s office badge!? You can go now.’ when the popo come poking around his perverse little playground.
::: Bow Chicka Bow EWWWWW!!! :::

But frealz – looking at Corning, I totally get why he goes for God’s acre as his pickup joint of choice. The competition is DEAD, yo!

Oh, but we I shouldn’t judge.
HAHAHAHAHA – that’s a joke.
Of COURSE I should!

But no.
I mean, after all – it’s not just his playground.

Palmetto Staters firmly flathand the ‘go for sex’ switch straight away – as long as they can get their ass grabbery on in a graveyard, that is!
::: Statewide Romance FAIL :::

And, lest you think otherwise – Corning wasn’t there just to fornicate around the flat and the festering.
Noooo. That was just his hoped-for outcum.

See, according to the police report, that sick slut says he always carries Viagra and sex toys, you know, “just in case.”

Because, well, shyeaaahh!
WHO DOESN’T, right?
::: uhhhh, most everyone?!? :::

Oh but this is too delish!
And South Carolina better watch out!
If it’s not careful it may just overtake Florida and Alabama as the kookiliciously cretinified capitals of America!
(Don’t feel left out Texas! Your crazyass cheerleaders earned you a permanent honorable mention in that category ages ago!)

SOURCE

November 3, 2009 at 10:59 am 4 comments

There’s a bat in that belfry


I didn’t even have to read the story.

I knew Jim Bartek was a raging kookleberry before the third paragraph.
Actually, I knew it as soon as I read the [most ridiculously long] headline:
Jim ‘Nostradamus’ Bartek of Maple Heights has listened to a Judas Priest album 391 straight days

Yup. Coudda Shoudda stopped right there!
Live and learn, right?

See, the kookles took hold of Jim’s soul last June when English heavy metal pioneer Judas Priest released its gomillionumpteenth album “Nostradamus.”  They dedicated the album to the 16th-century seer who is credited with prophesying cataclysmic events, but the screaching, scratching voices in Jim’s head were all eatitLiveItBREATHEIT!!!!!!

Frealz?
There should be a law requiring dictionaries to include a high-resolution image of Jim’s bonkerwonkey eyes right there next to the word ‘cataclysmic’ because listening to the same shit on a year-long loop is about as batshit crazy as a bitch can get!

I mean, hellooooo??? There is a reason repetitive music and sound are time-honored torture techniques.

“Heavy metallers are a little out there,” explains Ohio heavy metal DJ Bill Peters. “But listening to the same album every day? Even crazier, a double album?”

Craaaazeeeeeee!

But then I knew that just by reading the headline as well …

SOURCE & PHOTO

July 15, 2009 at 3:39 pm

Oh Good God!


STOP IT PEOPLE!
STOP IT RIGHT NOW!!

These ‘sightings’ have gotten out of hand and it’s time for me to lay my infinite wisdom upon you – so sit back and get ready for the knowledge, bitches!

For the record:
You can believe in yourself.
You can believe in a higher power!
You can even believe in something you can’t see, feel, touch, taste, smell or quantify in any way whatsoever using words, symbols or rudimentary hand gestures!!

But for the love of all that is good, holy and not hindered by a fantascially phenomenal mind-altering chemical experience – stop trying to convince yourselves, your kids, your pets or me that you’ve found some kind of shitty substitute for salvation in your salamiat the local car dealership or on your kitchen floor!

You didn’t – and if I sound just a slight shade of pissed it’s because the latest religiously retarded spiritual sighting comes courtesy of someone who seriously ought to fucking know better … someone professionally trained to turn a cynical eye on just this type of false-idol fuckery – A JOURNALIST!

vmary1Jonathan Tilove says he found none other than the original hot slut herself – the Virgin Mary 
——————————->
in his Washington DC office this week.
::: At least the bitch is working, right? :::

“I went back to the [Cox news] office to pack the rest of my boxes and clean out my cubicle. And there it was, on my desk, a coffee stain in the image of the Virgin Mary. I was a little surprised. Why me? I’m Jewish.”
::: Helllooooo! Does the phrase ‘the chosen ones’ ring any bells?!? :::

Tilove detailed several theories explaining why his Lord and Maker might give him this special gift — including the fact that his lazy ass “provided the medium for the appearance of the coffee-stain Madonna by allowing the remains of a cup of coffee to slowly leak out of a paper cup and then only casually blotting up the spill with an old notebook.”

Well sure!
Because the All Powerful frequently rewards carelessness and sloth with significantly sacrosanct sightings.
Happens all the time!

NOT!

Know what I see when I look at Tilove’s ‘Coffee Madonna’?
sshortcakepmoments2
Strawberry Shortcake … or maybe one of those Precious Moments whores …
… but the Blessed Virgin Mother of God?

Oh Hell No!

So listen up snowflakes – ‘cuz the Cookie’s calling bullshit on this righteous rigamarole once and for all!

Your delusions aren’t divine – they’re dopey.

God isn’t some carny sideshow and he doesn’t need to go all Wonder Twins to get your attention, mm’kay?

Don’t get me wrong (and put the pitchforks down) – faith is good and religion’s totally groovy and I’m Ok/You’re Ok and blah blah fucking blah … but the guiding hand of God is not steering your sorry ass toward a special message in a cloud, your shoelace or that damned cowlick you saliva down every morning.

He’s not.
It’s true.
Deal with it.

But hey, don’t just take MY word for it …

god8ball

May 7, 2009 at 1:29 pm 3 comments

In His name?


No NO NO!!!
That is not how you do it, you sick fuckuva twisted wackjob!
:::  … which would normally be a tag of glory but, in this case, it means you’ve summited Mt. Dumbass — plant your flag, moron! :::

Time was a barbecue sandwich and some juice after Sunday school was all it took to lure the faithful … I guess we’re doin’ it differently these days

Ugh … cue the crazy …

troy_ian_brisport_20090215174926_320_240Johnny Law over in Ohio has charged God’s little soldier, Troy Brisport, ——>
with kidnapping, ransom/sheild hostage and felonious assault for handcuffing some poor bitch, gagging her, stripping her naked then dressing her up in …
::: Nooo — it’s not that kind of story!!! :::

… dressing her up in an adult diaper while he …
::: nuh uh … not that kind either :::

… while he read Bible passages to her … for four tragically theologified days!
From the Book of Retard 8:38-19:
“For He is convinced that only an emergency dispatcher will be able to separate the supposed sinner from the sick fuckery being done in His name
at the Tamarack Creek Apartments.”

Police say the 13th Apostle picked up his victim Wednesday night in Detroit and drove her to his apartment after she told him she had nowhere to stay.

The Master’s messenger must give one sorryass sermon because, at some point, the kidnapee fell asleep, which is when the kidnapper did as the shreiking voices in his head his Lord and Savior instructed and put his prey on hardcore house arrest!
::: Who’s a kinky Christian?!? Whooooz a kinky Christian?!?  YOU are!!! :::

Rev. Gotitwrong apparently also tried – several times – to suffocate his disinclined disciple using a pillow and blanket.
::: … the power of Christ compelled him … :::

I guess giving his testimony must just be, like, way harder and stuff these days because, after all that work, Troy The Thickheaded got a major case of the sleepies and went all nite-nite.

“And the sufferer broke 20 kinds of free and ran walked stumbled into the sun light parking lot to call 9-1-1 … and it was good.” Morons 25:36-27

Have fun ministering in County, dickweed!

SOURCE

February 18, 2009 at 4:43 pm 17 comments

Crazy Ute Forecasts Doom


The most prophetic prophet (——->)
ever to prophesy about unknown futurey type shit you didn’t even know you cared about has a message for all you snotnosed little heathens:
God is sick of putting up with your crap, so act right or get ready for an epic ass kicking!!

Wow — goosebumps, right?!?

Eh heh — the Parowan Prophet himself [who?], Leland Freeborn [no really – WHO?], also wants you to know that our international symbol of peacification and hopitude, that hot piece o’ manflesh I refer to by the codename “boyfriend” – will not, in fact, be the next president.
::: well okayeeee then … :::

In a rambling, semi-coherent letter to the editor of ‘The Spectrum’ in St. George, Utah, Prophet Fruicake McNutjob reminds The Spectrum’s tens of readers that waaayyy back in August he prognosticated that if O’Baby lost the election “to expect to see the “Riots” that 2 Peter 2:13 tells us about. He didn’t lose. But the story is not finished yet. I still think they may begin the riots before Christmas 2008 as I said.”
::: … ‘cuz nothing screams Christmas like a good riot! :::

Soooooo, ok ok — let me see if I have this straight … we were totally gonna have riots if O’Beautiful lost but then he foiled that plan by going and winning in that historic landslide-type deal which, if you know your Bible, means we are totally definitely gonna be having some serious better-late-than-never riot action now.
Yes?

postitMmmmmohkaythen.
Oh well, with football season winding down, at least it’ll give us something to do …

“Some of the news media will say that riots are justified,” McNutjob blathers on.
::: ACK! Is he still here?!?  :::

“Now you know how much God is offended and just plain fed-up with our stupid excuses for not keeping all of his commandments in your Bible. Many readers will remember the many letters form me warning people.
Prepare now. We are downwind from Las Vegas. I hope you can survive.”

And, while I’m sure that missive qualifies him for a good, old-fashioned Baker Acting I also have no idea what any of his old-coot crazy blah blah has to do with Barry or Christmas or ham n’ cheese sandwiches or tire pressure or why I’m still waiting for that last Outkast album.

I do know that it proves what I’ve long suspected … 
Utah officials spike their water with shiny crystals of freaky alien kooktasticness …

Good to know!

December 15, 2008 at 10:03 pm 1 comment

All Aboard!!!


britney-crazy-meterLa Cheeto is back on the crazy train, y’all!
TOOT TOOOOOT!!!

Fed up with dear ol’ dad calling the shots, Britney Spears pulled on her full-figure fishnets, lit up a ‘mommy lolly’ and set about to planify and methodologize a strategy chock full of lunatic logic and crackhead hillbilly nonsense she believes will prove to Pappy Spears just how together her shit really is.
::: WHEEeeeeeeee! :::

The plan calls for the liquidation of depreciative assets and consolidation of positive accruals into a high-yie … HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Just kidding!!!

She’s going on a hunger strike!
::: mmmmmmMATURE! :::

According to ‘a source,’ the plan is for Brit Brit to eat one teensy meal a day for as long as it takes to:
1.) suffer a stroke due to frapp withdrawal
2.) restore the proper hair-to-face grease ratio
3.) clear a spot on the mantle for her Role Model of the Year award
4.) show solidarity for other ‘oppressed peoples’ of the world
or
5.) prove that no amount of money or therapy or intervention or restraining devices can pull her brain back from the brink of imbalance

“Ah lahks me sum meximelts en Mickee Deez en all, but Ah bet yew if Ah’yuz tuh shut mah frapp hole lowng uhnuf Ah’d looz that theurd fat roll – then dahdee’ll see jess how matoower Ah am en he’yull let me dew wut Ah wohntz!”
::: TOOT TOOOOOT!!! :::

Personally, I think ya gotta hope for Number Two up there, but I don’t actually care if this dopey eating disorder deal works out or if big daddy throws his hands in the aii-yuher and waves ’em like he jess don’ cay-yuher, ’cause sooner or later the inevitable will happen and she’ll devolve quite naturally into the schizophrenic trailer park psycho she was destined to become …

… and that kind of entertainment is just good, clean fun for the whole family!!
TOOT TOOOOOT!!!

December 15, 2008 at 4:07 pm 2 comments

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