Posts tagged ‘court’

Droll Tide

It comes as no surprise to anyone who has even the remotest passing knowledge of The Cookie that Auburn Football is the absolute and complete love of my life.
::: It’s ok – Mr. Cookie has learned to deal. :::

And even knowing that about me, the peeps here in Florida think I’m joking when I tell them nothing – and I DO mean nothing – is more important to people from the state of Alabama than almighty football.

Which is why – despite the fact that it centers around the hated, The Despised, THE DEVIL’S SPAWN that is the Alabama Crimson Tide – I am totally down with the following and don’t find it at all ridicutarded.

Lawyers representing the defendant in an accidental death case — a case that has taken four years to come to trial — asked the judge to delay the trial because it conflicts with the Alabama-Texas BCS title game on January 7.

And judge sez?
::: Whaaat?!? It IS the championship game! :::

Attorney Jon Terry argued in his motion for delay that the trial was scheduled “before certain monumental events occurred,” that some attorneys have tickets to the game, that jurors are likely to be preoccupied and that opposing attorneys went to Auburn.
::: Monumental … you know, like barely beating Auburn in the final minutes after having your Heisman hero being held to less than one yard per carry by my beloved Tigers in the heartbreak game of the year … uh huh sure, but whatever … :::

“ROLL TIDE!!” the motion concludes.

Circuit Judge Dan King, an Auburn alumnus, said he planned to grant the motion.

“If I didn’t, they’d say, ‘He just didn’t grant it because he’s an Auburn fellow,'” he said. “I wouldn’t do that to ’em.”

Shockingly – plaintiffs attorneys have a problem with this!
::: must be grouchy Gator grads … :::

In a motion filed Thursday morning they argued that the trial should begin as scheduled.
“Simply stated, some things are more important than football,” the motion said.


Judge Scott Vowell, the presiding judge in Jefferson County and also an Auburn alumnus [we DO rule!], said he’d never before seen a motion that requested a continuance because of a football game but gave the Tiders mad props for coming clean.

“There’s been some motions for continuances and I’ve suspected what the real reason was,” he said. “But this is the first one I’ve seen that was this honest and candid about the reason.”

Judge King, who had not yet issued a formal order late Thursday, said he would reschedule the trial to begin in a month or two.

Bama — ballsy on the field … and off!


December 18, 2009 at 11:58 am 4 comments

Rainpupglitterbow in 3 … 2 …


I mean, ok sure, this morning I have to be in court to testify about a traffic accident I witnessed on the Turnpike a few months ago and that’s all fine and good because I’m always 20 kinds of prepared to do my civic duty and everything but let me just say that the wheels of justice had better find themselves turning fast enough for me to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth and still be able to breakdance my booty back in front of a boobtube somewhere by Inauguration:30 EST because then I will be fine … juuuust fine and dandy let me tell YOU a thing or two! I mean, ok, so I couldn’t get to Washington to see my boyfriend lay hand to Bible and prepare to save the world in person but that’s ok, it’s really OK because I so totally think I might actually just flat out spontaneously combust if I got that close to him which it totally possible now that the restraining order has expired but hehe, I mean, even that’s ok because I’d do it all hopped up on hope and rainbows and glitter and puppies! PUPPIES!!!!

Woooo … heh … is anyone else dizzy?

January 20, 2009 at 11:59 am 2 comments


A ‘jury of his peers’ (which contained exactly zero African Americans) found O.J. Simpson guilty Friday of all 12 counts in the armed robbery of two sports memorabilia dealers at a Las Vegas, Nevada, casino hotel last year.
::: maybe they define ‘peer’ differently out there in Vegas … ::: 

Simpson, 61, and his co-defendant Clarence “C.J.” Stewart, 54, were charged with a dozen offenses stemming from the sports memorabilia heist. Stewart was found guilty of the same charges as Simpson.

The two men could spend the rest of their lives in prison. Clark County District Judge Jackie Glass set sentencing for December 5.

If you weren’t sure what to get them for Christmas before – now you know.

October 4, 2008 at 1:34 pm 8 comments

Lying liar finally a suspect

Yesterday I was shocked — SHOCKED I tell you to read a most unbelievable piece of news!

Get ready.
Are you ready? No seriously – are you sitting down? I think you should sit down because after all this time and über douchebaggery on the part of … umm, well EVERYONE even remotely involved  – you just may have to do a personal reality check on this one. 
::: you sure you’re ready? :::

CNN and others have revealed the most unthinkable, the most fantastic, the biggest nuh-UH piece of info EVER:
Caylee Anthony’s mom now a suspect

It took a while, but after this most shocking shocks in all of modern shockery wore off – I was all YA THINK?!?

Ugh …

Took ’em long enough but it seems that after being fed a steady diet of bullshit and fabrication for more than two solid months, authorities finally got full, got a fucking clue and got the idea that maybe, just maybe, the lying liar horrible nightmare of a mother might be just a weensy bit on the shady side — and maybe, just maybe, they might want to concentrate on possibly taking a closer look at her.

Way to be on top of things guys!!

Photo: (RED HUBER, ORLANDO SENTINEL / July 29, 2008)

October 2, 2008 at 1:38 pm 1 comment

Every dog (owner) has her day

When an evil, murderous bitch (left) gets 15 to life for allowing her mutant killer canines to do the unthinkable … somewhere in heaven a former lacrosse coach gets her wings.

A San Francisco judge this week sentenced Marjorie Knoller to some well-deserved hard time, seven goddamned long ass years after her two blood-thirsty Presa Canarios fatally mauled her neighbor, Dianne Whipple, in the hallway of their San Francisco apartment building.

And by mauled I mean the hounds from hell ambushed the woman and ripped her to pieces in an attack that lasted at least five minutes.

Now think on what that kind of torture might like — being chewed up and pulled apart in bloody, fleshy bits by angry animals mere centimeters from your own front door while their owner stands aside in her own apartment listening … but doing nothing.

With a weird Aryan connection and allegations of homophobia and zoophilia, this case was disgusting from every angle.

I hope they stick Marjorie Knoller in a bayou prison with no air conditioning in a cell with a view of the gnat and maggot-infested mess hall garbage cans and give her some big ol’ coked-up butchy bitch of a cellmate with unbridled rage, a passion for knifeplay and a scorching case of herpes.


September 23, 2008 at 1:14 pm 20 comments

Do NOT prey on the peen

Flaccid men everywhere – REJOICE!

The founder of Berkeley Premium Nutraceuticals, which makes the male enhancement drug Enzyte, was sentenced to 25 years in prison by a federal judge in Cincinnati.
::: Bob’s not smiling so much now … :::

The judge ruled that Steve Warshak,
soon to have this view —–>
convicted on charges including fraud and money laundering, must begin serving his 25-year sentence within 30 days.
::: fresh meat on the way, fellas – meet Steve Shawshank! :::

“This case is about greed,” the judge said.
::: NO SHIT! :::
“His family and the people who work for him are also victims of his greed.”
::: eh, I kinda gotta think they sorta kinda liked the money tho … :::

A federal jury found that Warshak, his company and several other defendants were guilty of victimizing thousands of their customers by misrepresenting their products.
::: you mean wheat grass and dirt doesn’t make a teeny peeny perk right the fuck up!?!:::

In addition to the prison sentence, the judge ordered the defendants to pay more than $500 million to the victims of their scheme.

Hey judge – does that ‘victim’ category include their horny, dissatisfied partners as well?

August 29, 2008 at 10:31 am 1 comment

Thursday Theatrics – Giuliani Style!

Rudy “9-11” Giuliani’s 22-year-old douchebag son has filed a 198-page lawsuit against Duke University for cutting him from the school’s golf team.
::: I OBJECT! :::

Andrew Giuliani says Duke is in ‘breach of contract’ by cutting him because he was ‘recruited’ by the previous golf staff.

WOW! Recruited! He must be GOOD then, right???
Umm, like no ‘n stuff?

Yummy stats, anyone?

  • Last season The Blue Devil’s golf team had 14 players.
  • Rudy’s Runt was one of nine players who competed in only one or two tournaments.
  • The team’s top five golfers, on the other hand, competed in at least nine tournaments.
  • Pussyboy’s best finish was a tie for 36th at the Fighting Illini Invitational.
  • Asscrack’s season competition average was 74.5, which made him the 12th best player on the 14-player team.
    ::: Duke’s the one who should be suing! Just who the hell was the asshat who ‘recruited’ this loser?!? :::
  • So the coach decides to whittle the team to about half its size and used the time-tested practice of keeping the best players — but ‘Drool wasn’t havin’ any of that action and got all ‘don’t you know who I am?!?’

    They did.
    You’re a loser.
    They cut you.
    That’s life.

    There is no ‘Andrew’ in TEAM.

    Andouche said he’s suing because privileged uppercrusters like him always gets what they want and no way some golf-pro wannabe teacher is gonna stand in his way “to make sure this doesn’t happen to anyone else at Duke.”
    Bitch forgot to mention he’s also suing for as much money as he can shake from the Duke dollar tree ‘unspecified compensatory damages’ and use of the school’s state-of-the-art golf center (while he is in school and after he graduates).
    Drama Queen also wants a jury trial.

    So does mommy.

    “This has been heartbreaking,” Donna Hanover, said in a statement. “We tried for many months to convince members of the Duke administration that because we are rich and white ‘the rules’ don’t apply to us this situation should be corrected and we are pissed off and looking for retribution sad that we have now had to turn to the court.”

    If this ginormous waste of time and taxpayer dollars does go to trial, I hope it’s on teevee and Judge Judy gets the call so she can brand his pampered puss with her own special brand of ‘I don’t think so!’
    I would TIVO the hell outta that shit and throw a big ol’ Bew Hew Ball so people could gather to eat popcorn and point and laugh hysterically at little Andy … just like those lucky bastards at Duke get to do every day!

    Good times!

    July 24, 2008 at 7:54 pm 6 comments

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