Posts tagged ‘corporate’

Darned SHOOTIN’!


And the award for Most Retarded Display of Selfish Corporate Fuckery goes to …

McDonald’s! – for their patent refusal of Workman’s Compensation benefits to an employee who was shot [at the MCDonald’s where he worked] while trying to defend a woman who was being beaten [at the MCDonald’s where he worked].
::: Way to go, corporate fuckers!! :::

Nigel Haskett’s heroics earned him three abdominal surgeries and a permanent reminder of the universal law that no good deed goes unpunished in the form of a partial bullet — forever lodged — in his back.
::: Who says you can’t take it with you?!? :::

Haskett’s unselfish actions also garnered the highest admiration and respect from his employer.

HAHAHAHAHA!!!
Noooo — just kidding!

McDonald’s really couldn’t have said ‘Fuck Off Loser Scum!’ more quickly or more clearly.

Facing more than $300,000 in medical bills from the shooting [at the MCDonald’s where he worked], Haskett filed a claim with the state Workers Compensation Commission — to which McDonald’s replied, well,  ‘Fuck Off Loser Scum!’
::: See! :::

In a letter to the Commission, McDonald’s insurer wrote: “we have denied this claim in its entirety as it is our opinion that Mr. Haskett’s injuries did not arise out of or within the course and scope of his employment.”
::: I’ll bet his timecard begs to differ! :::

The McLawyers say McEmployees are given strict McInstruction to ‘do nothing’ that would put themselves or anyone else in danger during the course of their McWorkday.

Oooook — and, umm, the McCustomers? Any advice on their safety, Mickey D?!?

Ohhhh riiiight – ‘Fuck Off Loser Scum!’ – GOTCHA!

In a clear deviation from Chapter 6, paragraph 13 of McDonald’s We Didn’t See Nuthin’ Customer Beatdown policy, Haskett’s boss Ray Nosler called him a hero for his actions last August and contributed to a fund setup for his employee.

“We are all grateful to Nigel and that’s why it is so unfortunate that he’s having a difficult time with the insurance claim,” Nosler says.  “Because the insurance claim is still pending, I’m not able to say more about it, but I hope his claim will come to a quick resolution and the right thing will be done for my employee.”
::: awwww – i haz cry :::

Video of the incident had been available on YouTube, but now there is a disclaimer that reads: This video is no longer available due to a copyright claim by McDonald’s Corporation.

They don’t want to own up to any responsibility for what happens in their restaurants but they’ll sure as shit own the evidence!
::: I’m not lovin’ it :::

Eh, McFuckem — you can watch it here.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So what do you think?
Should the Evil Clown Empire cough up some cash or should we just all understand we’re taking our lives in our hands each time we frequent the corporate-sanctioned anything goes, lawless wasteland that is your neighborhood McDonald’s?

SOURCE

February 23, 2009 at 11:34 am 3 comments

Sticking it to the (little) man


You may not have noticed — what with Oprah bringin’ the chunk again, media giant Tribune Company goin’ all brokeass brokey broke and the total hilarity of Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich‘s comically crazy crookery landing him in a big ol’ pile of sweaty bail money and all — but there’s about to be some positive news coming out of Chicago.
::: Woo hoo!!!! Go Chi-Town, go Chi-Town, ishyaberfday, go Chi-Town!!! :::

See, the town’s little factory that couldn’t – Republic Windows and Doors – had this practice of pullin’ the ostrich and being all hush-hush about the utter abyss of financial fuckedupedness they were in. Apparently, they’d been doing it for quite a while and seemed pretty content with that status quo because it looked like no one would ever notice.
::: Strateeegerie! :::

bankerAnd, you know, they just might have been able to stick with it if they hadn’t been forced to shut all their shit down last Friday when the scrooges at Bank of America stopped rolling around naked in their massive 25 billion dollar bailout pile long enough to cancel the company’s entire line of credit. 
::: Say Scooter – wasn’t Friday also the same day BOA shareholders approved the Merril Lynch merger, effectively making Bank of America the country’s largest bank with $2.7 trillion in assets??????? hmmmm :::

So here we are today, watching hundreds of laid-off factory workers go through Day Five of protesting the bank’s ‘All for me, none for you’ policy in an effort to get someone wearing a suit and carrying a briefcase full of Benjamins to pinky swear they really are gonna get the severance and accrued vacation pay they’re owed …

… and watching bank reps, company brass and union bosses enter Day Two of trying to figure out how diffuse this bigass PR bomb.
::: And just in time for the holidays, too!! :::

And the positive?
I bet it’s over today.

I bet they don’t make it to Day Three ’cause, you know, it’s just hella hard for execs to negotiate surrounded by angry riff raff who get pissy when the caterer delivers lunch to everyone but them.

Yup – I bet we have a deal on the table by sundown!

And, not for nothing but that would be one big handful of NIFTY because it would mean it only took them nearly as long as it took God to make the world (and Bush to get water to the Superdome) to repairify and solutionize this hot mess.

December 10, 2008 at 6:17 pm 11 comments

Everybody Panic!


Oh my god – the end is near!!

This is bigtime seriousness worthy of multiple exclamation points for maximum emphasis!!!!!!!!!!!!

Some Google big guns broke out the big-girl panties this week and sent a memo to folks in the New York City office informing them of *GASP* reduced cafeteria hours and **DOUBLE GASP** reduced food selection as part of an effort “to find areas where efficiency can be improved.”

ACK!
PHLIK!!
GWOCK!!
::: slow. deep. breaths. :::

Seriously though – you should panic.
Now.

The day you see the big swingin’ dick around town pinchin’ pennies is the day you can pretty much start packing it in.
That’s it.
Lights out.
Don’t let the ‘jobs are next to go’ sign hit you in the ass on your way out.

Googlers see Mr. Economy over at the bar putting GHB in Miss Advertising’s cosmo as he prepares to butt rape that bitch well into the next presidency and, since they’ve watched their golden stock get a tad tarnished after losing nearly half it’s value this year, the cheeses are running scared.

They’re derailing the worker-bee gravy train and pulling the plug on some of the perks for which their company is universally famous.

Afternoon tea on Tuesdays?
GONE!
Snack-a-palooza smorgasbord in the micro-kitchen?
NOT ANYMORE!!
Free dinner take-out?
hahahahaha — No.

Google is also shaving a half-hour off the time the hired help get for breakfast.
::: Don’t they know it’s the most important meal of the day?!?!?!  :::

Morning munchtime has been whittled down to one wimpy hour (down from 90 minutes) … and that’s not all! Lunch and Dinner have been trimmed from 2 hours to 90 minutes.
::: quel horreur!!! :::

Oh but it’s not all bad.
The brass did toss the little people a bone … they promised the occasional ‘surprise snack attack’ just like their big-boy counterparts get in Google’s Mountain View, California offices.
::: a teaspoon of sugar helps the medicine go down … :::

Employee morale meltdown in 3 … 2 …

October 30, 2008 at 3:38 pm 1 comment

Oh, those cunning British linguists!


Political correctness policeA bunch of Brits have decided to do away with the much-overused business term ‘brainstorming’ as it may possibly, perhaps, plausibly but probably not cause distress to epileptics who are ‘so sensitive that anything with the word “brain” in it causes distress’.

Instead, they propose that we engage in ‘thought showering’ during meetings designed for idea generation.

Oh, well done, British Idiots!!!! Splendid idea!

But why cater to just the epileptics?!?
I can think of several other words and phrases to, umm, ‘modify’ for LOTS of other groups …

For instance, it is highly likely that use of the business cliché ‘brain dump’ might seriously offend the horrifically incontinent.
Can you just imagine  the shitstorm that  phrase has probably caused over the years? We can’t have that. So, instead of saying ‘brain dump’, I propose we ‘undergo an excretory thought-elimination process’.
You’re feelin’ me, right?

And while I’m at it — I know for a FACT that the closet-claustrophobe in the conjoining cubicle hates to be encouraged to ‘think outside the box’ but would much rather be encouraged to ‘cogitate externally from within’.
::: You didn’t think I cared, did you Martha!?! :::

Oooo, ooo — and Gaylord? On the third floor? I know Gay would much rather ‘thrust against the big, broad horizon’ than be urged to blandly ‘push the envelope’.
::: Gay TOTALLY feels me — my HR department can attest to that:::

Yup, I’ll back the Brits on this movement because I think it’s very important that, going forward moving in a future-advancing motion, we not drop the ball fell the orb on this issue but rather bring our A-game tranport a primary-vowel achievement when it comes to making the language of business corporate-centered vernacular appropriate for everyone pluralistically agreeable.

 Anything less just wouldn’t be civically rectitudinous!

June 20, 2008 at 7:17 pm 3 comments



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