Posts tagged ‘commercial’

If I made commercials …


October 27, 2009 at 9:48 am 1 comment

FOX Viewership FAIL


thanxfox
I know I love a good infroming!
Nothing better in my view than a rock-solid infroming!!
Infroming for everyone!!!

Wheeeee!!!!! ….
No. Just kidding …

I feel sick just having seen this überetardationary display of moronitude.
Prolly need to drink heavily for a few days …

Peace out ’till my gag reflex completely recovers!

In the meantime … because we all need it after that mess … I give you the best most sparkliest wonderful thing ever created in the history of all of mankind: Terry Tate.

September 16, 2009 at 10:25 am 3 comments

Oh poo!


Is there no end to the cogitation of caca?

I mean, ok – we must do the deed and, consequently, dust the ol’ derriere. I get it. I’m down.
Been no truer truth since the dawn of time.

We’ve used everything out there from shells to hay to leaves to paper in our quest the clean the caboose and some buttnuts have even turned to the admittedly earth-friendly (but decidedly Maytag-hating) Wallypop reusable cloth toilet wipe.
::: Re-FUCKING-Usable!!!!! :::

But c’mon. Has it really come to this?

Well, maybe for ‘the big guy’ who prolly can’t reach it with two hands and a flashlight …

July 8, 2009 at 10:59 am

House pet FAIL


What kind of dumbass keeps a primate as a house pet?

No no — serious question.
Because we’re not talking about some freaky Michael Jackson ‘mules you can put out to the back 40 and get your ‘isn’t he cuuuuuuute?’ on when you want to go all ‘exotic’.

We’re talking about our [wild] evolutionary brothers from a very [wild] different mother who, as adults, have at least five times the strength of humans … and who even the first-rate researchifyers over at the Jane Goodall Institute agree are meant to live in the wild, not in our homes.

And so again, I ask … 

What Kind of?
DUMBASS?
Keeps A Goddamned PRIMATE?
AS A HOUSE PET?!?!?

Some dumbass in Stamford, Connecticut – that’s who!
::: … although, technically, she doesn’t keep one anymore … :::

Meet Sandra Herold.
::: Hi Sandra! :::
Sandra is a 70-year-old woman who owns owned a 200-pound ‘celebrity pet’ chimpanzee named Travis.
::: Hi Travis! :::

Trav – a chimp who is said to have been toilet trained, could dress himself, ate at the table, could use a computer and reportedly starred in Old Navy and Coca-Cola commercials — used a key to let himself out of Herold’s house last night.
::: SMARTYPANTS!! :::

He was out there, gettin’ all rampagey — attacking police cars, police men and Herold’s 50-something soon-to-be former friend — when the po po had to make ol’ Trav a permanent kind of dead.
::: Chimpi .. uhh no, that’s just sad … :::

According to reports, “Travis was being bad.” He’d biggie-sized an outburst but calmed down long enough for Herold to get him back in the house and give him a nice hot cuppa Xanax-laced tea.
::: … mmm, yeah … but that one’s tricky ‘cuz ya hafta get the pill-to-water ratio just righ … uhh, well, umm … whaa … ACK – nothing! Nevermind!! ::: 

021609-chimp-fire-zoom1Bitch must’ve  messed up the mix because, moments later, just as Charla Nash was getting out of her car, Travis channeled his inner abuser and brought a beatdown so severe it put her in the hospital with serious facial injuries after losing a ‘tremendous amount of blood.’
::: J. Fred Muggs would NOT approve!!! :::

Things got all stabby when Herold tried to pry her mate off Nash but, c’mon … how well do you think a Q-Tip’s gonna do against a marauding beast?
Ya — juuuust well enough to know when it’s time to haul ass back to the house and call for backup!

Police arrived and Trav got to chargin’ … then he smashed a car window and opened the door to a cruiser where an officer was hiding like a girl taking cover …
… and that’s when things got all shooty.

Travis met the business end that officer’s gun several times before he ran back to the house … and died. 

Oh the tragedy!
Oh the sadness!!

If only there’d been some WARNING that celebrichimp might go apeshit!!!

Wait. What’s that you say?
Oh, that’s riiiight!

Most folks remember dude’s rather public run-in with the law a couple of years ago when he escaped from an SUV and went running through the streets.
More than a dozen officers were dispatched that time.
::: I’m guessing there was a LOT more Xanax at at least two tranq guns involved that time. Am I right? Am I right?? .:::

So what did we learn today, kiddies?

No matter how many Old Navy spots he snags … no matter how much coin he banks your butt — he’s still a PRIMATE, complete with all those wildly unpredictable, might rip your nose off, deadly PRIMATE tendencies.

Highly-trained, unique, special and just a few Darwin’s shy of human does not a safe house pet make.

… now if you’ll excuse me, my Chilean Rose Tarantulas and Argentinian Puma need to be fed … 

SOURCE
SOURCE/PHOTOS

February 17, 2009 at 4:56 pm 3 comments

Tacky isn’t just for wedding DRESSES anymore


Proving once and for all that everything is, in fact, for sale – a Virginia Beach woman pulled a Star Jones and snagged some corporate sponsorship … for her wedding.

[[ … Pinched for cash, Virginia Beach hairdresser Kelly Gray went on eBay to offer a spot in her bridal party to the highest bidder … ]]
:::: <— wak manicure aside, what is UP with that pinky finger?!? You could bag a trout with that hook! :::

But the winner of the online begging-fest auction wasn’t some lonely chick lookin’ to eat free pork tenderloin and do the chicken dance in an ugly chiffon dress.
Nope, it was a representative of Dr. Pepper Snapple Group.
::: Ka-CHING!!! :::

The company will donate $10,000 and sugary-caffeinated, tooth-rotting beverages for the nuptials.
::: feel the love :::

Gray – who is apparently just one-friend shy of the perfect bridal party –  is planning to launch a web site to help her find that missing bridesmaid — or provide a surprise guest for the slot.
And by ‘surprise guest’ we bet she means ‘performer’ — she’s can check off ‘free entertainment’ on her list too.
— yikes —

All I can say about a woman willing to shill her own wedding is … watch OUT when the bitch decides to breed!

June 27, 2008 at 3:35 pm 1 comment

Toemercial appeal?


camel toe commercial

Only once in my life have I ever seen an instance of camel toe worse than this — and, at least, HIS was on purpose!

What I want to know — what I MUST know is just who in the hell screened the local auto dealership commercial featuring the spokestoe above and said ‘Now that there is a go for air, gents!’.

Was it a blind dude?
Was it her ex-boyfriend’s new girlfriend?
Was it that bitch from accounting who found out she lost out to ol’ blondie in the race to date the dealership’s F&I manager?

Seriously! Who could have possibly watched the teevee spot featuring this facially attractive woman wearing the horrifically ill-fitting khaki pants and thought ‘Yessss, whale tail — THAT’S what new car buyers are looking for!’

Someone who never made it down that far. That’s who.
Which means it had to be a man.

Blonde hair: CHECK
Ample boobage: CHECK
Almost too-tight shirt: CHECK

And the toemercial is born.

June 23, 2008 at 10:22 am 4 comments


This is the shit you bitches are reading


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