Posts tagged ‘college football’

NSD – WHEEEEE!!!!!!!


Even though it started on a ūüė¶ note when we were

SPURNED FOR SPURRIER

as my would-be new ‘boo gave my impassioned plea the side-eye in favor of becoming a big ol’ ‘Cock.
:::¬†Good luck, my friend — but I leave you with one final thought … transfer
think about it :::

Oh yes, even though I’ve been denied true Tiger-luv by Marcus Lattimore – I WILL NOT BE DETERRED!!!

Hell to the no!
Because today is THE day!
National Signing Day!!!

AUBURN‘S DAY!!!!!

It’s Christmas, my birthday and anniversary, the last day of Hanukkah and National Give A Fucking Gift Just For The Hell Of It Day in general — uh huh! It is bonus BIG present day and I am 20 shiny, sparkly, twinklified, glitterated kinds of LET’S GET IT STARTED READY!!!!!

signingdayMarcus Lattimore *sniff* notwithstanding  Рquestions remain!!

Where oh where is DE Cory Lemonier going?
C’mon baby — you know inside you beats a TIGER’S heart, snookums!!!

And five-star lineman Shon Coleman? You, my fine, fine piece of OL ass are tailor MADE to bust through any opposition at Jordon Hare and beyond. You know you are!

Michael Dyer — show us your John Hancock and make it official!!

Seriously! Why even think about other schools?!
DON’T DO IT!

Follow your hearts! COMMIT TO AUBURN!!

SIGGGGNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!

I patiently await your beautified, hopificated signatures …

… Developing …

9:00 a.m.: Welcome Jawara White!! A linebacker who can score- SCORE!!

AaaandShaun Kitchens and Ryan Smith (who told Kentucky to shove it) are on board. SWEETNESS!!

… More …

10:00 a.m.:  Shon Coleman signs with Auburn Рwoo hoo!!!
::: SUCKIT BAMA! :::

In case you live under a rock – Coleman is one of the highest-rated players in the whole and entire signing class, ‘kay? He’s also one of the biggest at 6-foot-7, 285 pounds. He was ranked No. 1 in Mississippi, had offers from several schools, including¬†six from the SEC alone, and he picked Auburn over Alabama, Ole Miss and Miami – which proves he’s got a big ol’ brain to go with all that brawn as well!

And, as expected but you can’t be 100% sure until he signs on the dotted line so fervent hopification had to happen, Michael Dyer signed with Auburn too!
Oh yeah, oh yeah!!

Dyer just happens to be considered the top high school running back in the whole and entire country according to ESPN – so SUCKIT LOSER SCHOOLS!!!

… Stay tuned …

11:00 a.m.: Hey hey Eric Mack! You KNOW it’s great to be an Auburn Tiger!!

Unlike some players from South Carolina who shall remain nameless but whose initials are MARCUS LATTIMORE – Big Mack (SMOOCHES ūüôā )¬†chose¬†Auburn after originally committing to the Gamecocks.
::: SUCKIT COCKS – that just felt good :::

…¬†MTC …

1:15 p.m.: YAY!!!!! Corey Lemonier and Trovon Reed are ALSO coming to the loveliest village on the Plains!!!!
OMG – This is better than butter!!!!!!!!! This may be our heaviest signing day, like, EVAR!!! I am so superkalifrajilistically EXCITED for the coming season!!!!

…¬†Continued …

February 3, 2010 at 11:21 am 1 comment

Open Letter to Marcus Lattimore


My dearest, darling, beautiful Marcus,
Listen to me.

I am a true blue Tiger to the end, so I feel compelled to tell you where to go.

College football has always been and will forever be my truest of true loves, so I am obligated to tell you where to go.

I am, quite literally, already putting the polish on my very own personal playbook for the 2010 season, so I have no choice at this point in our soon-to-be long(ish)-term relationship but to tell you where to go.

GO TO AUBURN!!!!!
Seriously!

Out of all of the schools you’re considering – only Auburn can offer the total excellence of athletic experience you so rightly deserve.

I mean, I know you’re from South Carolina and all, so I hope that’s the only reason you’re even considering those cocks. It’s no secret that The Old Ballcoach is struggling and who even knows what’ll happen with him if Urban Meyer continues his emotional freakout. South Cackalackee can’t give you the stability and assurances you need. Don’t go there!

And Penn State?! That’s Linebacker U … and you, my could-be new ‘boo, are a running back! Plus Big 10 football is boring and s-l-o-w! Don’t go there!

Oregon? Pac-10? Uhh, no. Oh sure they had a good 2009 season, but their mascot is a fucking DUCK and I hear¬†LaMichael James is stingy on sharing carries. Don’t you want to be an impact player right outta the gate? Of course you do. Oh, and by the way – have you experienced an Oregon winter?! Don’t go there!

Florida State. Please tell me that’s a joke?! The ‘Noles have definitely seen better days, my friend. I mean, ok sure – Jimbo Fisher promises a quick turnaround but how quick can that really be considering he’s inheriting a four-year NCAA probation (*blech) and a handful of scholarship reductions (*ptooey) as a result of an academic cheating scandal?! Yeah, just kind of leaves a bad taste in your mouth, doesn’t it? Don’t go there!

Georgia is in a rebuilding phase. Rebuilding the coaching staff. Rebuilding the roster. Rebuilding their mascot (R.I.P UGAVII) It’s just messy. ‘Nuff said. Don’t go there!

GO TO AUBURN!!!!!

You and Michael Dyer are the class of all running backs coming out of high school and Auburn is Running Back U!!
He’s a solid AU commit — you know you want to stiffen up your ‘soft’ commit status! You do!
Just think of what the two of you could do together!!!
I know I have!

OhPleaseOhPleaseOhPleaseOhPleaseOhPlease GO TO AUBURN!!!!!

My Tubby-loving heart is slowly warming to Gene Chizik and I think we can agree that Curtis Luper, Trooper Taylor, Jeff Grimes and Gus Malzahn belong way up there on the worthy scale.

C’mon! Make me happy Marcus!!

Join the ranks of outstanding backs like Tucker Frederickson, William Andrews, Joe Cribbs, James Brooks, Rudi Johnson, Stephen Davis, James Bostic, Brandon Jacobs, Lionel James, Brent Fullwood, Kenny Irons, Cadillac Williams, Ronnie Brown, Tommie Agee and Bo Jackson!!

Live out your college days on the Loveliest Village on The Plains!!!

You + Auburn = A Super-Exclamation-Pointy Natural Fit!!!!

Think about it.
I’ll be your BFF4EVAR!

Love eternally and for always and ever to infinity a millionthousand times …
XOXO
XOXO,
Cookie

P.S.: WAR EAGLE!!

January 12, 2010 at 11:16 am 4 comments

Awaiting withdrawal …


I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again … spring is just somber and summer sucks ass. THIS, my friends,¬†is the most delightful — yet deciduous and distressing — time of the year.

No, not the secular-religious winter holiday seasonal shop-a-palooza, you ninnies!
That shit is as over as Britney Spears’ career!

I’m talking about the greatest collection of supernaturally spectacular annual occurances in the history or all recorded histories!
College Bowl Season!
And … well … *sniff* the end of College Bowl Season … *doublesniff* in just a few short days. ūüė¶
::: a moment, please :::

Ayep — I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again — college football is a naughty master. He‚Äôs a kinky, nasty, sweaty luvah ‚Äď and he‚Äôs ruined me for all others.

RUINED!!!

Four months and a few weeks of nothing short of pure bliss.
There is nothing more beautifully brutal or poetically punishing than my beloved college football!

And the bowls are the complete and total BESTILICIOUSNESS of the bunch!

It all starts so¬†gloriously¬†then *WHAMMO*¬†the season’s been tallied, the best go to bowl games, the worst¬†hope for a¬†signing day¬†surprise and the rest of us wait for the inevitable, inconsolable end.

WAHHHHH!

Five BCS bowls and 29 non-BCS bowls — 34 glorious gridiron games in all before the best creation ever bestowed upon mankind goes buh-bye for roughly 8 super sad-faced months.

DOUBLE WAHHHHH!!!

But hey, I’ll be ok.
At least I’ll get a teensy bite more with the all-star bowl games later this month and then another tasty ‘next season’ appetizer on National Signing Day next month … but it won’t be until I see the preseason poll placements [where Auburn will no¬†doubt be a top-tenner], read the leaked “early” practice reports and hear the proud projections of the editorial ‘experts’ that I can truly, frealz and a gozillion percent in earnest¬†begin my ritual of seasonal salivation over the possibilities of the perfect season!

And it will happen!! It has to¬†— it’s my New Year’s resolution!
::: and you wasted yours on that perennial weight loss pipedream again … HAHAHAHA!¬†:::

WAR EAGLE!

January 4, 2010 at 11:26 am

IT’S HEEEEERRRRRRRRRRE!!!!!!!!!


I’m so excited!!¬†I’m so excited!!¬†I’m so excited!!¬†I’m so excited!!¬†I’m so excited!!¬†I’m so excited!!¬†I’m so excited!!

In just a few SWEET hours my absolute favorite thing in the whole and entire UNIVERSE happens!!!!
::: No, not THAT! ūüėČ :::

AUBURN FOOTBALL KICKS OFF!!!!!

auburn_tigersI mean, ok, despite taking a number one QB (KODI myheartBURNSforyou) and inexplicably making him a second team Wide Receiver (?!?!?!) and putting that awsome hot young thing Tyrik Rollison at third-team QB – behind those fuckers who couldn’t get it done last season – Chris Todd and Neil Caudle (does NOT compute!) – WHATEVER! I don’t care (right now)! Because today it’s all possibilities and sunshininess and glittery rays of promise coming down from the heavens for my beloved AU and NOTHING (right now) will get in the way of the audacious hopification I am vibing (right now)!!!
And, not for nothing, but let’s just hope my guys keep it classy instead of going 20 kinds of dumbass like Oregon’s LeGarette Blount did last night on the Smurf Turf at Boise State.
Dumbfuckery Supreme!!

September 4, 2009 at 10:27 am 5 comments

Come to mommy …


I LOVE SIGNING DAY!!!

signingdayIt’s like Christmas morming when you wake up to the happy smiley realization that it IS possible to forget all the shit from the last several months in the giddy excitement of watching all those glittery shiny¬†pages of hope get signed!

… and already we have a surprise signee in Five-Star Wide Receiver DeAngelo Benton!
::: YAY!!! :::

Considered one of the nation’s top receivers coming out of high school, Benton is douchebag replacement for¬†the Tubernator¬†Gene Chizik’s biggest signing surprise.
::: … Coach Retard takes the first step down the long road to redemption … :::

Benton’s signing was¬†followed another big catch in four-star Wide Receiver Emory Blake of Austin, Texas and then three-star Defensive End Nosa Eguae!
::: EEEEEeeeeee!!!!!!!! :::

NOON UPDATE:
Oh glory BE – Texas’s four-star QB Tyrik Rollison knows it’s great to be an Auburn Tiger!!
::: SO FUCKING EXCITED!!! :::

NOON THIRTY UPDATE:
Four-star Running Back Dontae Aycock and four-star Defensive Back Taikwon Paige will be doin’ the Tiger Walk!!

Oooohhhh — but Bryce Brown … how you torment me!!!

1 P.M. UPDATE:
Poo on toast!
Linebacker hottie Tana Patrick pickes the hated Crimson Tide!!!
Damn you Sata … err, Saban!

3 P.M. UPDATE:
ACK!

From al.com:
The national recruiting champion is . . .

It depends on which recruiting service. And it’s far from over. In 30 minutes, this could all change, and probably will. But as of 1:25 p.m., LSU was ahead in Rivals. Alabama was No. 4 and Auburn 17th.
::: I think I should just start drinking already … :::

And what up with Reuben Randle?!? I mean, I don’t think we’re in the mix here but I’d be all YIPPEEE if he snubbed Bama for the other Tigers …

4 P.M. UPDATE:
The day is shaping up pretty much like¬†I expected … except I should TOTALLY be drinking already!
::: CURSE YOU MISSED OPPORTUNITY!!! :::

Florida Running Back Trent Richardson makes pact with the devil and signs with the Crimson Snide … feh

NEARISH FIVISH UPDATE:
Bryce Brown is holding off until Monday to decide.
MONDAY!!!
Fucking tease!

I swear if I didn’t have to crank¬†out some junk miles to¬†work the¬†stress off I’d start ¬†knockin’ ’em back in 5 … 4 …

AFTERISH FIVISH UPDATE:
Kenny Bell chooses LSU over Alabamahahahahaha!!!!!

… developing …

February 4, 2009 at 5:01 pm 8 comments

Auburn hires Gene Chizik


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I … I … oh fuckitalltohellandbackyoustupidassgoddamnedmotherfuckers … I’m just gonna start drinking …

SOURCE

December 13, 2008 at 11:29 pm 15 comments


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