Posts tagged ‘cold’

Cold hands, hot … TODDY!

Last night was the greatest night in the history of all great nights ever to have transpired on the entire planet Earth!!!

While everyone was busy running around issuing the geezer and plant warnings mandatory for a full-on, all-out Freeze Alert panic yesterday, I was planning the most spectacular personal party of my whole entire existence!

Snuggle-Fest 2009!

It would be stupendously glorious!


There would be S’mores and booze and fondue and liquor and champorado and hooch and I had the perfect thing to go with it all because I remembered the exact location of the seldom-opened box containing one of my most treasured possessions of all: My pink-and-green polka-dotted Jumpin Jammerz.

I couldn’t wait!!!

I buzzed through my ‘crap ya gotta do before chilltime’ list at lightning speed!!!
Gettothegymandgrabatreadmillandrunrunrun followed by a little pickupsushifordinneronthewaytothestoreforsomehappyjuice action and then the night would be wiiine mine!!!
** If you’re in Florida and you never, ever, Ever, EVER get any, which is in no way to say I don’t feel you dawgs who freeze your noogies off every winter because you live in places where they have those wacky things called ‘seasons’ **

Too bad no one else appeared to be gettin’ their Winter WooHoo on.
Everywhere I went it seemed folks had just lost their gat dam minds over the fact that we were forecast to have *GASP* near-to-below freezing temperatures across Florida.

TV sprayheads, radio voicejocks, newspaper editors, emergency management personnel, friends, family, neighbors, the hot piece running next to me at the gym, everyone at Sushi Yami … hell, even the dude who carded me at the Publix liquor store … they were all freaking the frigid fuck OUT!

Iran’s nukiness, O’Beautiful’s busted nominees, Madoff’s misappropriations and that squorky little thing I like to call the New Great Depression just weren’t worth even a ticker feed of mention because it was briefly going to be *SHOCK* too cold to wear shorts and flip-flops!!!!!

“This is a disaster! I don’t even have a coat!”
“We have to got to Home Depot and get a kit to wrap the pipes or they’ll all bust!!!”
“We have got to bring in ALL of the plants!! They’ll freeze and DIE!!!”


Talk about your missed opportunities!

While they were all wrapped up in a frenzy of hypothermia hysterics, I was makin’ hot toddies and getting my cozy, toasty pajama party on with Mr. Cookie!

Ain’t no party like a cold weather party ‘cuz a cold weather party don’t stop!

February 5, 2009 at 3:33 pm 7 comments

It’s official …

Keep those mittens and scarves handy folks – the fat rat has spoken!

Punxsutawney Phil rolled out of his hole this morning, glanced back, saw his shadow, took the obligatory grip-and-grins and then chunked ’em a deuce on the way back in.



February 2, 2009 at 1:17 pm 3 comments

Triple Threat

The unholy triumvirate pictured above have hearts so witch’s-titty-in-a-brass-bra cold that the Prince of Darkness had better start praying for their rehabilitation or his shit really will freeze over!

Word is these sluts formulated a revenge plot so ruthless that it left a former friend with frostbite so severe she could lose parts of one or both feet.
::: VICIOUS!! :::

22-year-old Maria Contreras-Luciano (left), 21-year-old Dyanne Velasquez (center) and 20-year-old Amber Crespo (right) face kidnapping, assault and conspiracy charges related to the alleged arctic abandonment of a 19-year-old woman who was pushed from a car …  into a snowbank  … at night … on the side of a New Jersey road … in a heavily-wooded area … wearing only a party dress and one shoe … in eight-degree weather.
::: This ain’t Survivor, bitches!! :::

The polar payback came after the victim had a car accident and sued Ho #3’s  insurance company, which prompted the skinsack to get her lunatic scream on, shouting “If you’re going to sue me then I’m going to kill you!” … whiiiich garnered her a bonus third degree charge of making terroristic threats!
::: How do you spell ringleader? C-R-E-S-P-O!!! :::

The trio “planned and plotted … to dress up and go to an imaginary party,” North Bergen Lt. Frank Cannella said.  In the ruckus of having her caboose forcibly removed from the car, one of the victim’s shoes fell off.

 “She ran back to the car and pleaded to be let back inside, but the women sped away, leaving her stranded with no cell phone, the lieutenant said.”

A passing motorist stopped and let the gelid girl use a cell phone but “refused to give her a ride because she didn’t want to get involved”.
::: Oh please Oh Please OH PLEASE tell me she got a tag number?!?! :::

Eventually, a motorist with a working brain and functioning heart stopped and took the teen to Englewood Hospital.

Can I have ‘They Sure Sound Guilty To Me‘ for $800, Alex?


January 29, 2009 at 4:49 pm 3 comments

Now that’s just … COLD!

I woke up this morning and experienced a sensation I haven’t felt in a year or more.
I almost couldn’t put my finger on it.

This feeling … this foreign sensation … it seemed familiar but … could it be?


I felt …
::: wait for it :::

… a chill.

Now, don’t get me wrong. We did have cool weather a couple of weeks ago — cool enough to open all the windows and give Mother Nature a rare welcome inside our South Florida home.
::: as well as Mrs. Annoyed Neighbor Crybaby Whineyhead … :::

But this was more. This was MUCH more!

Confirmed by, The Weather Channel, the crack meteorological crew over at WPTV and some douche outside this morning screaming ‘Goddammit Charmie! Get in this house! … It’s fuckin’ frigid out here … fuckin’ dog …’  — we’d had an actual, bonafide, break-out-the-blankets overnight COLD SNAP.

THIS would change everything!
::: Oh happy I’m-not-gonna-sweat-my-ass-off day! :::

And the best part? The thermometer isn’t scheduled to crack the 80-degree mark for a week and a half.
::: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!! ::: 

A week and a half, people!
Ten gloriously gelid days of sweatshirts, sweaters, long pants, comfy flannel jammies and the crown jewel of cold-weather attire … closed-toed shoes!!!!


I can take this week’s pedicure money and blow it on booze!
I can drive with the windows down and sing to more than just the rearview mirror for a change!!
Heck – I may not even have to put ice in my wine!!!!
::: I’m classy like that :::


I’m gonna go test that last thought right now …

November 16, 2008 at 6:55 pm 9 comments

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