Posts tagged ‘cellphone’

Don’t worry ladies – he’ll be here all night!


Sometimes a golden opportunity just falls ass-first on the floor in front of you like a drunk fratboy on ‘ludes.

And, if you’re like me, you fucking LIVE for these moments!

I was lucky enough to be in the right place at one of the most mind-blowing times in recent history when, as odd as it seems, yours truly was *SHOCK* sober enough to capture the exact moment when idiot met dumbass and morphed into the most ritarculous example of douchebaggery I’ve had the pleasure to fully document in at least 16 days in a loooong time!

I AM SO LUCKY!!!!!

A group of hot sluts and I recently channeled our inner Whitney Harding and beheld the rough-and-tumble awesomeness that was the Gold Coast Derby Grrls giving the Blitzburgh Bombers a beatdown so bad they wished they could crawl back up their mamma’s vajayjays and take back their own births!

BOO-YA BITCHES!
Don’t mess with SoFla!

But the best part of the night wasn’t watching women in fishnets and kneepads for two hours (although not an unpleasant way to spend a Saturday evening! ;)).
No, the BEST part was the stupefying show put on at the bar when Mr. Mondo Dismo and his friend emerged to entertain the masses themselves.

Well, in truth, ol’ brownie over there –>
was too busy chatting up two women who prove the adage that everything looks/tastes better the more beer you suck down.

As the Chicago-style jazz/blues band belted it from the stage, Mondo was gettin’ his gyration on while working his $16 Haircuttery ‘Swoosh’ for aawwwllll the ladeez in da HOUSE … ‘cept no one was paying attention, so he kicked his Mondo moves into high gear with arm gestures, moonwalk missteps and a rarity — something you just don’t get to see in public very often anymore — self-induced nipple twists!

SWEET MOVES!

So there I am, enjoying my cocktail, taking cellphone snaps of a live cock literally losing his mind when … HE SEES ME!

Mr. Mondo Dismo slides his size 12’s over to our table, leans in and asks:
‘Soooewwwww, like, uh, hehe, *burp* yur taking my pictchur! Yoo wanna hit ‘dis?’

I look at my girls, laugh, then reply:
‘Don’t wanna hit “dat” – but I have to take your picture, dude. I just HAVE TO!’

To which he responds:
‘I know yooo dooo. ‘Cuz I am hot.’

To which I respond:
‘Actually, no. Because you are RIDICULOUS! HAHAHAHAHA!!

To which meathead actally laughed, nodded agreement then went back to the table next door to begin a solo-samba/salsa type mess aimed squarely at our table.

SNAP SNAP SNAP!

Suddenly he stopped for what I was sure was going to be a vomitus experience to which the entire bar would bear witness — but no!
He stopped to check his phone.

* Looks down, click click … looks up at me … looks down, click click … heads back my way *

‘I don haf ’em ‘n my phone,’ he says with just a hint of whine.
‘Have what?’ I ask.
‘Thuh pictchurz yooo tuk,’ he slurs.
‘Why would you? I don’t have your number. I’m taking them for myself,’ I say.

‘Cuz I am hot.’
‘Actually, no. Because you are RIDICULOUS! HAHAHAHAHA!!

Oooohhh ho HO I tell you … just every now being the most ‘sober one’ translates to F-U-N!!!

Win-win 😉

March 22, 2010 at 10:04 am 5 comments

A moment of silence, please


The awful terribleness has happened!
Darkness and despair have descended upon me!!
Life is forever changed!!!

MY CELLPHONE HAS DIIIIIIIED!!!!!

How can I be anything but super-exclamation pointy emotional about this deadphonetragedy!?!?!?!?!

Even as I sit here looking at its lifeless little body splayed in front of me, I can’t believe it happened! One minute I’m blah blahing to someone about some very crucial and marvelously meaningful crap or something and the next minute I’m in a blah blah blackout!
Oh the humanity!!!!

I feel so alone, so isolated without the trusted companion and daily partner to the spasmodic distraction that is my life!

Oh, I know I’ll find another, but let’s be honest — it won’t be the same!
Oh sure, it’ll be sleek and shiny with supercool 3G features my now-dead NoG never had but let’s be honest — it won’t be the same!!

Wait.
3G?
THREE GEE?!
::: wheeeeeeee!!!!! :::

uhh … gottaruntotheAT&Tstore,LOVEYOUOLDPHONE – BYE!

August 21, 2009 at 12:41 pm 2 comments

Triple Threat


coldbs
The unholy triumvirate pictured above have hearts so witch’s-titty-in-a-brass-bra cold that the Prince of Darkness had better start praying for their rehabilitation or his shit really will freeze over!

Word is these sluts formulated a revenge plot so ruthless that it left a former friend with frostbite so severe she could lose parts of one or both feet.
::: VICIOUS!! :::

22-year-old Maria Contreras-Luciano (left), 21-year-old Dyanne Velasquez (center) and 20-year-old Amber Crespo (right) face kidnapping, assault and conspiracy charges related to the alleged arctic abandonment of a 19-year-old woman who was pushed from a car …  into a snowbank  … at night … on the side of a New Jersey road … in a heavily-wooded area … wearing only a party dress and one shoe … in eight-degree weather.
::: This ain’t Survivor, bitches!! :::

The polar payback came after the victim had a car accident and sued Ho #3’s  insurance company, which prompted the skinsack to get her lunatic scream on, shouting “If you’re going to sue me then I’m going to kill you!” … whiiiich garnered her a bonus third degree charge of making terroristic threats!
::: How do you spell ringleader? C-R-E-S-P-O!!! :::

The trio “planned and plotted … to dress up and go to an imaginary party,” North Bergen Lt. Frank Cannella said.  In the ruckus of having her caboose forcibly removed from the car, one of the victim’s shoes fell off.

 “She ran back to the car and pleaded to be let back inside, but the women sped away, leaving her stranded with no cell phone, the lieutenant said.”

A passing motorist stopped and let the gelid girl use a cell phone but “refused to give her a ride because she didn’t want to get involved”.
::: Oh please Oh Please OH PLEASE tell me she got a tag number?!?! :::

Eventually, a motorist with a working brain and functioning heart stopped and took the teen to Englewood Hospital.

Can I have ‘They Sure Sound Guilty To Me‘ for $800, Alex?

PHOTOS COURTESY OF NORTH BERGEN POLICE

January 29, 2009 at 4:49 pm 3 comments


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