Posts tagged ‘celebrity’

¡Yo quiero R.I.P


Gidget, the Taco Bell Chihuahua, has gone to the great Chalupa in the sky.

“She made so many people happy,” her trainer said.

Gidget got God’s call after suffering a stroke today at age 15 … which would have made her about 73-ish  in ‘people’ time, which makes her death, well, not exactly untimely buuuut — due to her ‘star’ status does beg the natural question:
Is she part of the threes?

YOU know.
The THREEEEEEEZ!
Bea Arthur, Billy Mays, David Carradine, Farrah Fawcett, Ed McMahon, Michael Jackson, Walter Cronkite, Dom Delouise, Jack Kemp, John Updike, Karl Malden, Natasha Richardson, Ricardo Montalban, Ron Silver, Steve McNair …

Sooo, are we starting over?
Whaaaat? You were thinking it …

Advertisements

July 22, 2009 at 6:37 pm 2 comments

Happy Fourth, Bitches!


Yeah, it’s a day [and a half, give or take] early but this ho’s gotta get her happr4thbitcheslong-weekend bender a’brewin’ so I do not have time to dwell on the demise of Jeff Goldblum as reported by Jeff Goldblum or any of the other not-dead celebs not out there being dead or dying and stuff.

No time for that shit, ‘kay?

I gotsta get my drink on – and you do, too – it’s, like, the law!

So crack it, pour it, mix it and raise it high for a Happy Adoption of the Declaration of Independence Day!

Let’s party like it’s 1776 …

July 2, 2009 at 8:38 pm 2 comments

Beyonce is full of crap


The Mighty B has dubbed herself “Sasha Fierce” for her new double album, “I Am … Sasha Fierce.”
::: my my, how original – ‘cuz NO ONE has done that shit before … :::

“I have someone else that takes over when it’s time for me to work and when I’m on stage, this alter ego that I’ve created that kind of protects me and who I really am.”
::: Bitch please … :::

“Sasha Fierce is the fun, more sensual, more aggressive, more outspoken side and more glamorous side that comes out when I’m working and when I’m on the stage.”

Soooo, Beyonce thinks she’s Rihanna?

SOURCE

October 23, 2008 at 12:03 pm 6 comments

CZJ enters the Bronze Age


What in the pimply fake bake hell is going on with Catherine Zeta-Jones’ face?!?
Bitch’s skin is all kinds of busted!

CZJ and Michael “The Crypt Keeper” Douglas were at the Global Leadership Awards Gala in New York City Wednesday night and, evidently, she thought it was a costume party … a Halloween costume party because she came made up as ‘Clown Catherine of the Land of Giant Pore’.

The only saving grace is that the shine coming off her skin is so intense it could actually temporarily blind innocent onlookers.
::: look away :::

Well, we hope it did.
::: look awaaayyyy!!!!! :::

October 2, 2008 at 8:51 pm 1 comment

Something’s wrong with Sammy Jo


Ava Locklear’s parents have probs.

Mere months after seeking help via rehab for anxiety and depression, Heather Locklear is back on the batty bus.
Someone who said they spotted her driving erratically called the popo who then pulled her over, arrested and booked her on suspicion of driving under the influence of prescription drugs.
::: drugs are bad, mmmkay? :::

I’m sure it’s all just a big misunderstanding. Sammy Jo would never do anything like that!

I bet Heather found a bee in her changepurse and it scared her and so she accidentally threw her car in gear while trying to shoo the bee out the window and when that failed she tried to flee the bee by any means necessareeeee.
::: wheeeee!!! :::

Yup, I bet that’s what it was. At least I hope that’s what it was – for the sake of the child and all.

How much more little Ava can take?

First, her dad (and Heather’s cheatin’ ex), Richie Sambora was arrested on a DUI charge back in March. Ever the family guy — Richie was ridin’ dirty with little Ava pullin’ shotgun.
::: quality family time – Hollywood style :::

Second, her mom checks in to some nuthut in an effort to get her mind right.
::: how’s that workin’ out? :::

Third, her mom decides to get her NASCAR on in a Santa Monica parking lot for all the paparazzi world to see.
::: oh, ok, not workin’ out so good then … :::

Oh well, on a positive note – word is no kids were harmed in the making of Heather’s recent legal run-in.
::: In Hollywood, that makes her mother of the year  :::

Oooo ooo -and also, I heard the downtown Baskin Robbins is giving away pints of Baseball Nut.
mmmmm – ice cream!

So … you know, I think someone who’s initials aren’t Heather Locklear or Richie Sambora should drive wee Ava right down to get some free chills because the kid’s gotta be pretty embarassed by her family today and – well, who isn’t?!? – but the point is you just can’t feel bad when you’re eating ice cream.

Yeeeaaaahhhh …

September 29, 2008 at 1:49 pm 1 comment

You can put lipstick on a pig, but …



Sunday, September 7, 2008 = Sequined semi-hotness


Tuesday, September 16, 2008 = cutoffs ‘n’ wifebeater-y notness

::: that would be a diet frapp, right? … on account o’ that 1200 calorie a day diet and all … :::

September 17, 2008 at 10:56 am 1 comment

Can’t anyone retire and mean it anymore?


Reports are leaking out that Lance Armstrong will be coming out of retirement to compete in some nearly dead road races (Tour de Georgia?!?) and then, potentially, pedal his way to an unheard of eighth Tour de France victory.

Oh god no. Please no. Seriously – no.

Lance and his team of managers, handlers, press agents and drug-test-takers probably all sat back and watched with jealous googly eyes as Fishsticks Phelps raked in fat endorsement cash after snagging eight golds at the Beijing Olympics.

I bet those bitches conference called each other after every medal ceremony to whine about how cycling seems so old and busted next to swimming’s new hotness and how only cancer boy can rescue the sport for the benefit of all of humanity (or some stupid shit like that).

But before they get their Nike pitch on, Lance & Co. should take note.

No one (NO ONE) has been standing in line to see Mark Spitz and his wrinkles plop into the pool for a long, long time. Cycling fans aren’t any different. They’re ready for the next big thing. They don’t care who it is as long as it’s the next big thing — not the last big thing.

But I bet ol’ fancy pants Lance doesn’t see things quite that way. He probably sleeps in a different yellow jersey each night, wakes up each morning and spit shines his trophies while drinking coffee from a mug that reads ‘Cycle God’ and journaling the various rates at which his lungs make the O2 to CO2 conversion before speed dialing his publicist every hour on the hour to get the lastest list of celebrities he’s more famous than in each of the world’s major time zones.

His ego is probably just that sad. And it’s too bad because we actually like guys like that — until it’s time to go. But guys like that never know when it’s time to go. They always stay too long at the party and end up looking like the bad blind date you just couldn’t get rid of at the end of the day.

Lance – it’s time to go. Has been since that day in 2005 when you said you were going.
You retired and we foolishly trusted you to mean it.

We want you to mean it. We need you to mean it.
Please — go away already!

Like Sheryl Crow, Kate Hudson, Ashley Olsen, Tory Burch, your ex-wife, Team Astana, viable sperm counts and good looks — we are sooo over you.
::: If only you could get over yourself … :::

Please – take your testicle and go gently into that good retirement night … for all our sakes!

September 9, 2008 at 4:39 pm 12 comments

Older Posts


This is the shit you bitches are reading


Creative Commons License
Lifeisacookie is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 3.0 United States License.


%d bloggers like this: