Posts tagged ‘catherine zeta-jones’

Movie makers get their miser on


Old and Busted: Ginormous payouts plus part of the profits paid to barely-even pedestrian performers.

New Hotness: Puttin’ those bitches on a budget!

budgetdivaIt’s true!

Oh sure, you may think life is all darkness and ominosity out there in this New Great Depression, but take heart you homeless hobos! There IS a silver lining!

Your impovrished ass is about to get company!
::: YAY!!! Misery LOVES company! :::

NGD Math Lesson:
Your broke-assness + global economic meltdown = movie bidness bottom lines are moving toward  disgusting diva demands.

Yessiree! After years of empty promises to cut the sweetheart deals with the pompous and the bitchy (AKA – mid-level movie stars), the studios are finally able to stick it to ’em!
Why?
Hellooooooo?!?!? Haven’t you been listening?

The ‘crisis’, you silly!

They’re slashing star salaries and pulling perks like private jets, too.
::: I’m guessing they’re not pickin’ up the rehab tab anymore, either? :::

“They’ve wanted to go in this direction for a long time and the global financial crisis has given them the lever to do it,” a veteran talent representative told The Daily Beast.

Another rep broke it down a little better. “The studios are going out to actors who have been $10 million players and saying, `Here’s $5 million.’ Here’s two and a half.”
::: SLAVE WAGES!!! :::

And if LindsayTaraWhatsHerFace balks? No biggie!
The studios will simply pick another thespian from the pile.
::: Bitches on backup – smoooooth! :::

“They’re not fucking around,”
Mr. Nonamebecauseweareprobablytalkingaboutmyclient
said. “They know exactly who that next person is.”

Which may explain why Marvel Studios offered Scarlett Johansson and the twins a paltry $250,000 for Iron Man 2.

“We don’t like to be portrayed as being disrespectful to talent, notwithstanding the fact that we are very budget-conscious and can’t always meet an actor’s initial asking price,” Marvel COO Tim Connors said.
“We say, `We wouldn’t normally ask an actor at this level to do this but we’d be thrilled to have them.”

Now, it’s all good because ScarJo and her magnificantly talented chi chi balls were able to negotiate their way up to a semi-sort of respectable $400,000 for the film – so we feel confident she’ll be able to feed and clothe herself for at least another week or two … but something tells me SAG may want to get crackin’ on an emergency out of work actress retraining program because Kirsten Dunst is gonna need some way to pay for those sniffy snax and god knows the fossil financing CZJ isn’t gonna live forever!

Let’s go guys — CHOP CHOP!

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April 3, 2009 at 2:38 pm 6 comments

Who’s your daddy?


Old and Busted: Young buns
New Hotness: Old peen

Don’t laugh — there’s, like, an actual person doing serious scientifical researchification on geezer genetics and stuff and he says guys like this —->
are the key to evolution!
::: repeat after me: ‘anything’s possible with a paper bag’ :::

Steve Jones of University College London scarily asserts that “human evolution is grinding to a halt because of a shortage of older fathers in the West”.
::: nothin’ like a little pressure, right?!? :::

Jones says peepaws are prone to pass on the, uhh, ‘mutations’ necessary for folks to continue plodding our way down Darwin’s path.
::: I knew it! We ARE freaks of nature!! :::

“Human social change often changes our genetic future,” he said, citing marriage patterns and contraception as examples. “Quite unexpectedly, we have dropped the human mutation rate because of a change in reproductive patterns.”

I mean, ok, we could try to warp our Watson-Crick through chemical intervention or set up shop in some radioactive Real Estate, but who wants to get all Chernobyl only to plop out another average Earthling?

Not me!

Nope, if Jones is right and it’s the gnarly goo in old-man spoo that puts the man in humanity — then it’s time to give grampa the good joog … just like that other Jones … Catherine Zeta, that is.

You didn’t know it but this bad bitch has been working hard on behalf of all of humanity!
::: Thanx CZJ! xoxoxo :::

She’s taking this whole ‘sexy septuagenarian’ scenario VERY seriously!
I mean, why else would she consciously breed with the Crypt Keeper and birth a bunch of mutant babies???

Poke a pensioner – save the world!

October 7, 2008 at 5:35 pm 1 comment

CZJ enters the Bronze Age


What in the pimply fake bake hell is going on with Catherine Zeta-Jones’ face?!?
Bitch’s skin is all kinds of busted!

CZJ and Michael “The Crypt Keeper” Douglas were at the Global Leadership Awards Gala in New York City Wednesday night and, evidently, she thought it was a costume party … a Halloween costume party because she came made up as ‘Clown Catherine of the Land of Giant Pore’.

The only saving grace is that the shine coming off her skin is so intense it could actually temporarily blind innocent onlookers.
::: look away :::

Well, we hope it did.
::: look awaaayyyy!!!!! :::

October 2, 2008 at 8:51 pm 1 comment



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