Posts tagged ‘car’

ALL HAIL BB!!


Yesterday bore witness to a mighty feat!

A Major Accomplishment!!

A MONUMENTOUS EVENT!!!

… and you missed it …

… a fact that would normally make me put on a big ol’ boo-hoo frowny face for you, except — this time — I don’t have to.

Because you were saved.

SAVED!

Saved by my Birmingham Buddette — who’s name shall remain a secret but who’s initials are The Most Magnificent Mom and Marvelous Motorist Extraordinaire To Infinity EVAR!!!!

SAVED!

Because she’s a hero like that.

ALL HAIL BB!!

Because while you and Flo Rida were gettin’ your collective ‘Good Feeling’ on, she was diverting DOOM by keeping her shit all kinds of together while witnessing nothing short of all-out hitchhiking hijackery — on her windsheild!

BEHOLD!

Hitchhiking Hot Slut

Questions abound!

How was the runaway reptile able to sustain the shanghai at speeds in excess of 70 miles per hour?!

How did my Birmingham Budette manage to operate her automobile under such dire circumstances?!?

How did that lizard stay latched on for more than 20 miles?!?!

How many of you motorists passed this public phenomenon – completely unaware you could have borne witness to one of the most treacherous treks in all of known history dating back to the  invention of the WHEEL in the most ancient of times?!?!?!

Ohhhh, make no mistake about it, people!

THIS will undoubtedly go down as one of history’s GREAT mysteries!

Because the critter certainly has no comment and my Birmingham Buddette’s far too fly to divulge the deets before the book deal’s done!

… and you missed it

ALL HAIL BB!!

March 27, 2012 at 3:34 pm 2 comments

Dumb Bitch of the Day


Old and Busted: Texting while driving
New Hotness: Shaving while driving

In addition to wearing the DBOTD crown today,
Megan Mariah Barnes ————————->
just may have to be presented with the keys to the Kingdom of Dumb Bitchery for committing what may be the most outward act of unbelievable idiocy I’ve seen in a loooong time since last week.

Bitch caused a crash while she was clippin’ the cooch driving along Cudjoe Key, ‘kay!

Ohh HO yeah … and in case you wondered, that there friends is an automatic nomination to the Dumb Bitch Hall of Fame!!

Popo types say the 37-year-old was on her way to see her boyfriend in Key West and wanted to be properly groomed for the visit so, along the way, she decided to cut her short ‘n curlies … but apparently forgot all about the skunk-trail she’s sportin’ up top!?!

Full. Force. FAIL!!!

Oh, but that’s just the start of her fuckery … it gets better!
Seated next to the Megster was her ex-husband, who took the wheel while she focused on her follicles.
::: wonder how the bf feels about that … :::

… and better!!
Mindless Megan was convicted of DUI and driving without a license the day before the coochie crash!

Ohhhhh my side hurts … sometimes this shit just writes itself …
SOURCE

March 10, 2010 at 11:02 am 10 comments

I bet THIS wasn’t on his Bucket List!


The dumb skank who admits she knowingly got into a car with a possibly drunk Morgan Freeman last August is now suing that hot piece for negligence, saying she wants to ‘clear her name from claims she was his mistress’.
::: And bank some sweet coin, of course! :::

Demaris ‘Do My Eyes Make Me Look Like A Crazy Gold-Digging Whore’ Meyer held an L.A. news conference where she whined about being labeled the ‘other woman’, channeled her inner Blogojevich and vowed to fight, Fight, FIGHT until cleanliness and dignity are restored to her allegedly once-good name.
::: … uh huh, good luck with that … :::

“I had hoped and prayed that Mr. Freeman or his representatives would have set the record straight and cleared my name, but they have not done so and that is why I have chosen to come forward to tell the truth about our relationship,” she bellyached to a handfull of people who, if we’re being honest here, probably only showed up to see what a potential Freeman fuckbuddy looked like.
::: … now we know? :::

According to her four-page lawsuit, she hopes to squeeze the Oscar-winner for pastpresentandfuture medical expenses, short-term memory loss , pain and suffering, some kind of short-term memory loss, pastpresentandfuture lost wages, permanent disability for short-term memory loss and other damages. Oh, and some sort of loss of memory … or something … and, uhh, don’t forget that big fucking truckload of money, bitches!!
::: … because nothing screams ‘Innocent Choir Girl’ louder than a legal shakedown … :::

The whole almost-hookup apparently happened because a mutual friend invited her to a dinner party so she could fuck meet the actor. She went, they dined, they got their drink on, they left and went back to the mutual friend’s house, they got their drink on there, then Miss Daisy jumped in Hoke’s Nissan and were makin’ the dash to his pad when things got all crashy.
::: … just your typical first-date stuff … :::

According to her [bullshit] lawsuit, she was in Freeman’s car only because he kindly offered to let her spend fucky times the night at his home — seeing as how “it would be much closer for Ms. Meyer to travel to her place of employment the next morning from Mr. Freeman’s home” than from the home of their mutual friend.

Uh huh … ‘cept Freeman’s house is in Charleston, Mississippi (89.5 miles from Meyer’s Memphis abode) and the friend lives in Clarksdale, Mississippi (77.6 miles from Memphis) — which would make it, like, NOT closer and stuff?

Oh but hey, in her defense, anyone stupid enough to get  in a car with someone they admit [in writing — filed with the courts] had been drinking, really isn’t the kind of brainiac who can be reasonably expected to handle simple geography or exhibit any of her own accountability or, you know,  personal responsibility or anything … right?

Right?

Right?

SOURCE
LAWSUIT

February 26, 2009 at 4:34 pm 13 comments

Jesus Saves … car dealership?


Jesus Sightings: They’re not just for crazy old ladies staring at the floor for weeks on end!
::: YAY JESUS FOR EVERYONE!!! :::

PT_301357_ROTH_jesus_3Case in point: In the center of a door in a Dade City, Florida used car sales manager’s office is a wood stain about 3 feet tall that some folks are swearing up, down and sideways looks juuuust like the Lamb of God himself!
::: Get a good deal on a used Saturn and see your Savior at the same time?!? Now that’s what I call one-stop shopping!! :::

“Anybody who’s seen pictures of the burial cloth and image of Christ that’s on that cloth — that same image is on that door,” said Chip Davis, who runs a paintless dent removal service that services the Jarrett Ford Lincoln Mercury dealership.

Really?
The exact same identically corresponding one???

‘Cuz I just don’t see the Great Splotch of Supreme Spirituality when I look at that stain.

I do, however, see a remarkably striking resemblance to Cousin It.

See it?
Sure you do!
Take away the top hat and it’s an Addams Family moment all the way!

But my homegirl — and fellow hellbound non-believing heathen — Ruth Johnson thinks “it looks a little bit like Sasquatch.”
::: mmmm hmm – I feel that ::: 

And customer James Bauman Jr.?
He first described it as “Christ in a Jedi outfit,” then as a “Persian king.”
James thinks the stain is really, truly, deeply meaningful.
“I believe the Rapture is just around the corner,” he said.
::: James may want to lay off the Natty Light before giving his next interview ::: 

Cliff Martin, the dealership’s general manager, doesn’t attach spiritual significance to the office door. But at least he was honest enough to admit he doesn’t mind if the Discoloration of Demented Devotion brought more bodies through the door.
::: Those cars aren’t going to sell themselves, now are they?!? ::: 

“I like to say we’re blessed but we’re not breaking any sales records, so maybe we’re just blessed to be in business.”

Jesus Saves …

SOURCE
DOOR PHOTO: Lance Aram Rothstein – St. Petersburg Times

February 7, 2009 at 4:11 pm 24 comments

Triple Threat


coldbs
The unholy triumvirate pictured above have hearts so witch’s-titty-in-a-brass-bra cold that the Prince of Darkness had better start praying for their rehabilitation or his shit really will freeze over!

Word is these sluts formulated a revenge plot so ruthless that it left a former friend with frostbite so severe she could lose parts of one or both feet.
::: VICIOUS!! :::

22-year-old Maria Contreras-Luciano (left), 21-year-old Dyanne Velasquez (center) and 20-year-old Amber Crespo (right) face kidnapping, assault and conspiracy charges related to the alleged arctic abandonment of a 19-year-old woman who was pushed from a car …  into a snowbank  … at night … on the side of a New Jersey road … in a heavily-wooded area … wearing only a party dress and one shoe … in eight-degree weather.
::: This ain’t Survivor, bitches!! :::

The polar payback came after the victim had a car accident and sued Ho #3’s  insurance company, which prompted the skinsack to get her lunatic scream on, shouting “If you’re going to sue me then I’m going to kill you!” … whiiiich garnered her a bonus third degree charge of making terroristic threats!
::: How do you spell ringleader? C-R-E-S-P-O!!! :::

The trio “planned and plotted … to dress up and go to an imaginary party,” North Bergen Lt. Frank Cannella said.  In the ruckus of having her caboose forcibly removed from the car, one of the victim’s shoes fell off.

 “She ran back to the car and pleaded to be let back inside, but the women sped away, leaving her stranded with no cell phone, the lieutenant said.”

A passing motorist stopped and let the gelid girl use a cell phone but “refused to give her a ride because she didn’t want to get involved”.
::: Oh please Oh Please OH PLEASE tell me she got a tag number?!?! :::

Eventually, a motorist with a working brain and functioning heart stopped and took the teen to Englewood Hospital.

Can I have ‘They Sure Sound Guilty To Me‘ for $800, Alex?

PHOTOS COURTESY OF NORTH BERGEN POLICE

January 29, 2009 at 4:49 pm 3 comments

Breaking up is hard to do


It was just a matter of time.

We invite them into our homes, put them on a pedestal and dress them in ribbons and bows and bells and lights.
::: OH MY! :::

We lavish them with praise for being so big! … So beautiful! … So much better than the one the neighbors picked!!!
::: suck it Chuck! :::

We surround them with obscene amounts of gifts and have extravagant celebrations where we introduce them to all of our family and friends.

Then *BAM* — just like a trick ho who can’t pay Big Nate when his share is due — we strip them bare, cast them out into the harsh winter air and leave them to rot in full view of the entire neighborhood.
::: don’t fuck with Nate, ‘kay? :::

So it was, indeed,  just a matter of time before at least one member of the Christmas Tree Commonwealth got her branches in a bunch and brought the ‘Hell Naw!’ when her owner tried to kick her to the cold, cold curb.
::: … she don’t have to take that shit, yo! :::

On December 30, police were called to an area of North Hampton, New Hampshire after receiving a report eviltreethat a “Christmas tree flew out and attacked” an unsuspecting motorist.
::: Get ’em, girlfriend!! ::: 

According to police reports, the driver of a 1998 Ford Escort [DAMN! A Ford?!? DOUBLE DAMN – a ’98?!?!?] said he was driving along, minding his business when a Christmas tree left on a curb for recycling [mmm hmmmm] went airborne in a wind gust and “blew into the grill of his car.”
::: BALSAM FIR BLITZKRIEG!!!!! ::: 

Damage to the Ford is unknown, but I pine for the pulp, which was a total loss.
::: she died for your sins, you know … :::

January 6, 2009 at 11:16 am 9 comments

Dumbass of the Day


Once upon a time, a dumbass Chevy dealer [is there any other kind?] staged a dumbass Monster Truckgasm [again … ] so he could show the dumbass faithful how to ‘CRUSH THE COMPETITION!!!’

And by ‘crush the competition’ we mean, of course, that he would implement an incentive plan for more responsible SUV ownership leveraging new hybrid and E85 technological functionalities alongside an aggressive buy-back program as part of a broader 5-year phaseout strategy.

HAHAHAHAHA!!!
Just kidding!

He was gonna fuck some shit UP, y’all!

James Severtson of Hilo, Hawaii’s Island Chevrolet had the bright idea of rolling a retardedly mountainous American-made machine over some silly ass Asian rice-burner, ‘cuz, you know – ‘that’ll show ’em’ … or something …
::: my my, how original :::

“We’d like to send the message that the best way to support your country is to buy an American vehicle today,” Severtson said.

So Brainiac arranged for a Chevrolet Suburban SUV …
::: Umm, would that be the Chevy Suburban made in Janesville, Wisconsin or the one made in Silao … MEXICO??? :::

… outfitted with massive tires costing $5,000 apiece
::: Well sure! Because in these hard economic times, what better way to illustrate the woes of the American automotive industry than to dump $20k on tires  … :::

… to annihilate the  Marysville, Ohio -YOUESSOFAYYYY-made Honda Accord
::: USA! USA! :::

‘Cept the dumbass plan didn’t exactly go according to … well, the dumbass plan!
::: INCONCEIVABLE! :::

On the first attempt, the Suburban blew a hydraulic hose and sprung a big ol’ leak … while the Honda remained intact and ready for more.
::: ruh roh :::

After several embarassing hours, the truck was repaired and the driver tried again — but this time he added a Hyundai Excel to the mix.
::: Whew! Becuase, unlike the Hyundai Santa Fe and Sonata, which are made in Alabama, the post-95 Excel (AKA the Accent) IS foreign made … so, like YAY, woohoo and coolification — they got one right! :::

In the end, the Suburban drove over the cars’ hoods and destroyed their windshields … while onlookers the dumbass faithful squealed with [what else?] dumbass delight.

… and the American auto industry was saved … or … not …

December 22, 2008 at 4:47 pm 3 comments

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