Posts tagged ‘California’

United States of IOU?


California better reckonize!

That bitch has been out there behaving like a first-rate famewhore on the red carpet – totally hogging the ‘We Suck at Solvency’ spotlight! But she better step to the side because hers isn’t the only game in town anymore!

Oh ho no!

A new study by the Pew Center found that double-digit budget gaps, rising unemployment, high foreclosure rates and built-in budget constraints have brought Arizona, Florida, Illinois, Michigan, Nevada, New Jersey, Oregon, Rhode Island and Wisconsin to the precipice of joining Cali in the pageant of impovrished places pockmarking the American landscape.
::: Ten’s a crowd! :::

These states are fucked financially for basically one of three reasons:
1. They rely too heavily on one type of industry
::: diversity of DIE :::

2. They have a history of persistent budget shortfalls
::: finance FAIL :::

3. They face legal constraints that make it too hard to implement major changes, such as tax increases
::: judiciary JAM-UP :::

And it’s all a big ol’ bunch of SUCKS TO BE THEM until you realize that this mess is five slices of Serious Shit Pie  because these piss-poors combine to account for more than one-third of the entire, whole and complete nation’s population and economic output.

!! STICKY SITCH ALERT !!

“Decisions these states make as they try to navigate the recession will play a role in how quickly the entire nation recovers,” one of the Pew peeps professed.

NO PRESSURE GUYS … but, uhh, could you get with the A program, so all of America doesn’t have to keep suffering?!?

Pretty please with a big ol’ stimulus check on top?

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November 13, 2009 at 11:11 am 4 comments

Nekkid nymph a no-no


If ever there was a time for the “less government” argument …

The Alabama Alcoholic Beverage Control Board brought a big ol’ deep-fried Southern Hayull tew thuh Naw! to a wine label featuring *HORROR* a  nude nymph.
::: Not so fast you wine-swilling sinners! :::

winelabeluproarThe label on Cycles Gladiator wine, —–>
produced by Hahn Family Wines in Soledad, Calif., shows a vintage 1895 bicycle advertising poster with a nude nymph flying beside a winged bicycle.

Alabama liquor regulations prohibit labels that are ‘offensive’ or ‘immodest’ and so the booze board has instructed restaurants and stores not to sell this evil-whore devil’s brew.

Hahn Family Wines president Bill Leigon says the wine has been sold nationwide without any complaints … until now Alabama.

How fitting …

Alabama: Because being backward is WORK, y’all!

55476_f12055471_f120
P.S. — Just a wild guess, but I take it I won’t be buying these the next time I visit the fam either, eh? Poopy …

July 28, 2009 at 12:50 am 4 comments

Number Three???


UPDATE:

DAYUM!

MJ dead at 50

Earlier:
jackoTMZ is reporting that Michael Jackson was taken by ambulance to a hospital in Los Angeles.
The LA Times reports he was not breathing when paramedics arrived.

Both are reporting he suffered a cardiac arrest, that paramedics administered CPR in the ambulance and that his mom is on her way.

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June 25, 2009 at 9:14 pm 3 comments

Online: Where destiny & fate = density & fat


Listen up parents!

Just in case you’ve been in a Lithium haze and missed the memo:
Danger lurks on the Interwebs!!!!!

That computer you use to pay bills, read lifeisacookie news and buy your happy time toys?
The one your kids use to buy Webkinz, read lifeisacookie homework assignments and send pictures to grandma?
It’s also a portal of prodigiously perilous possibilites!!
::: OH MY! :::

It’s true!
ewwdavisonJust ask the 13-year-old snowflake from Centerville, Utah who was stopped mere moments before boarding a Greyhound bus bound for California to meet the man of her dreams nightmares. —>

Princess and 40-year-old sexpot Robert Lavern Davison —>
met on the Internet (DANGER!) last year while playing the game “World Of Warcraft’ and began spending secret steamy times together chatting online, before moving to e-mail and ultimately graduating to full-on verbal intercourse!
::: … it’s ok – take a moment to vomit if you need to … :::

Mom was none the wiser until the day little preshuss didn’t show up for school because she was buying a bus ticket.

The cops were called and, with the help of the hot sluts from Utah’s Internet Crimes Against Children Task Force, they cracked kiddo’s computer and cell phone and exposed the all the tricky icky ewww inside. 

Using their sleuthing superpowers, officers decided a 13-year-old who ewwmap1obviously can’t drive and probably didn’t have enough funds for air fare would likely have to either hoof it or bank a bus ticket to meet her mystery date … and since Cali’s hell and gone from Utah, the smart money was always on the bus terminal — where they did, indeed, find the unwitting future rape, torture and mutilation candidate patiently waiting for her ride.
::: Someone’s getting grounded! :::

Unaware that he was now cybersexing with Johnny Law, Scary Hairy continued his charming chats, which became even more sexual, graphic and violent in nature until the FBI’d had enough,  layed down the smack and arrested him at his Kelseyville, California house.
::: Game over, fatty! :::

grossspotYou know, I take great comfort in the knowledge that Dreamboat remains locked up as I write this — yeah yeah, because a child was saved and all — but mostly because I’m relieved to know that only Tony Two Fingers and Big Freddie will get a taste of whatever special sauce created THIS nasty mess! –>

Frealz! What in open sore psoriasis hell IS that thing?!? 

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March 26, 2009 at 3:02 pm 11 comments

You got it baaaaaad!


If you live or work in Imperial County, California that is!

unemploymentmap

Those sad sacks have what appears to be the highest unemployment rate in the country.
::: … they’re # 1 … in sadz …:::

The fine folks at The New York Times know you are hard UP for some cheap thrills so they’ve assembled a way cool (but kinda depressing) interactive unemployment map of this New Great Depression for your edutainment.

Want to find out how much worse off other folks are?!?
This map’s for you!!

Want to know where you can’t move for a new job but could probably buy a mansion for two sticks and a handfull of pennies?
This map’s for you!!

Got a hankering to know more about lovely Steele County, North Dakota?!?
Who?
Trust me on this one, you will … which makes this map … for YOU!!!

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March 4, 2009 at 9:31 pm 2 comments

When gardeners go bad


Postal workers in Orange County, California need some time off.

The staff at the Dana Point Post Office must be cracking after all of the holiday dispatch hullaballoo because they lost their collective shit recently over some dude trying to mail an envelope.

Postal workers said envelope man was wearing *ACK* rubber gloves at the time of the drop off and was *DOUBLE ACK* acting strange.

So they called Johnny Law on evil envelope man.

Some of Orange County’s finest followed depraved envelope man to a nearby restaurant and took his ass 20 kinds of DOWN!

According to an officer on the scene, the evildoer man said he was in a rush to destroy get to the post office before it went boom closed. He said he had been buying cyanide online doing yard work earlier and forgot that he was wearing the gloves.

HAHAHA! Nice try heinous envelope man! But you can’t fool the USPS with your crafty tales of insidious landscapage!!!

It is clear that you are an evildoing GARDENING terrorist bent on destroying the good ol’ U-S of A with you sinister parcel of doom!!!

Which is why authorities evacuated the entire facility and brought in bomb squad and Hazmat teams who inspected the ominous envelope and determined it to be …

yeah, no fucking threat whatsoever.

feh

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January 4, 2009 at 4:24 pm 4 comments

Everybody Panic!


Oh my god – the end is near!!

This is bigtime seriousness worthy of multiple exclamation points for maximum emphasis!!!!!!!!!!!!

Some Google big guns broke out the big-girl panties this week and sent a memo to folks in the New York City office informing them of *GASP* reduced cafeteria hours and **DOUBLE GASP** reduced food selection as part of an effort “to find areas where efficiency can be improved.”

ACK!
PHLIK!!
GWOCK!!
::: slow. deep. breaths. :::

Seriously though – you should panic.
Now.

The day you see the big swingin’ dick around town pinchin’ pennies is the day you can pretty much start packing it in.
That’s it.
Lights out.
Don’t let the ‘jobs are next to go’ sign hit you in the ass on your way out.

Googlers see Mr. Economy over at the bar putting GHB in Miss Advertising’s cosmo as he prepares to butt rape that bitch well into the next presidency and, since they’ve watched their golden stock get a tad tarnished after losing nearly half it’s value this year, the cheeses are running scared.

They’re derailing the worker-bee gravy train and pulling the plug on some of the perks for which their company is universally famous.

Afternoon tea on Tuesdays?
GONE!
Snack-a-palooza smorgasbord in the micro-kitchen?
NOT ANYMORE!!
Free dinner take-out?
hahahahaha — No.

Google is also shaving a half-hour off the time the hired help get for breakfast.
::: Don’t they know it’s the most important meal of the day?!?!?!  :::

Morning munchtime has been whittled down to one wimpy hour (down from 90 minutes) … and that’s not all! Lunch and Dinner have been trimmed from 2 hours to 90 minutes.
::: quel horreur!!! :::

Oh but it’s not all bad.
The brass did toss the little people a bone … they promised the occasional ‘surprise snack attack’ just like their big-boy counterparts get in Google’s Mountain View, California offices.
::: a teaspoon of sugar helps the medicine go down … :::

Employee morale meltdown in 3 … 2 …

October 30, 2008 at 3:38 pm 1 comment

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