Posts tagged ‘business’

Ahead of his time


calvinhobbsSomeone sent Greg Mankiw this –>
“Calvin & Hobbes” comic strip  from 15 years ago that sums up today’s bailout situation rather succinctly … enjoy!

(Click for full view)

February 12, 2009 at 11:14 am 5 comments

Sticking it to the (little) man


You may not have noticed — what with Oprah bringin’ the chunk again, media giant Tribune Company goin’ all brokeass brokey broke and the total hilarity of Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich‘s comically crazy crookery landing him in a big ol’ pile of sweaty bail money and all — but there’s about to be some positive news coming out of Chicago.
::: Woo hoo!!!! Go Chi-Town, go Chi-Town, ishyaberfday, go Chi-Town!!! :::

See, the town’s little factory that couldn’t – Republic Windows and Doors – had this practice of pullin’ the ostrich and being all hush-hush about the utter abyss of financial fuckedupedness they were in. Apparently, they’d been doing it for quite a while and seemed pretty content with that status quo because it looked like no one would ever notice.
::: Strateeegerie! :::

bankerAnd, you know, they just might have been able to stick with it if they hadn’t been forced to shut all their shit down last Friday when the scrooges at Bank of America stopped rolling around naked in their massive 25 billion dollar bailout pile long enough to cancel the company’s entire line of credit. 
::: Say Scooter – wasn’t Friday also the same day BOA shareholders approved the Merril Lynch merger, effectively making Bank of America the country’s largest bank with $2.7 trillion in assets??????? hmmmm :::

So here we are today, watching hundreds of laid-off factory workers go through Day Five of protesting the bank’s ‘All for me, none for you’ policy in an effort to get someone wearing a suit and carrying a briefcase full of Benjamins to pinky swear they really are gonna get the severance and accrued vacation pay they’re owed …

… and watching bank reps, company brass and union bosses enter Day Two of trying to figure out how diffuse this bigass PR bomb.
::: And just in time for the holidays, too!! :::

And the positive?
I bet it’s over today.

I bet they don’t make it to Day Three ’cause, you know, it’s just hella hard for execs to negotiate surrounded by angry riff raff who get pissy when the caterer delivers lunch to everyone but them.

Yup – I bet we have a deal on the table by sundown!

And, not for nothing but that would be one big handful of NIFTY because it would mean it only took them nearly as long as it took God to make the world (and Bush to get water to the Superdome) to repairify and solutionize this hot mess.

December 10, 2008 at 6:17 pm 11 comments

Pirate puss out in 3… 2…


Just who exactly is running these rinky dink pirate outfits these days?
Seriously! They don’t seem all that badass to me.

artnauticacruiseprestigeThey get all ‘gimme gimme’ when it comes to hijacked oil tankers and confiscated container ships full of wheat but put a cruise ship in their sights and they flat-out forget how to get their attack on!
::: Aaarrrgghhh!! :::

This weekend a bunch of sea bandits saw dollar signs when they spotted a passenger vessel off the coast of Yemen. They were headed straight for a good old fashioned hah-jakkin’ when the ginormously huge 30,000-ton luxury cruise ship pulled a not-fast-at-all one, took ‘evasive measures’ and outran their freeboatin’ fannies.
And by ‘evasive measures’ we mean the captain kicked that bad boy into slightly-faster-than-sitting-still gear and gunned it to a light-breeze inducing 27mph!
::: Whooshifica … wait. What?!? :::

Twenty seven miles per hour …

somali_piratesAre these buccaneers rowing toward the booty?
Are they paddling their way to the purloined property?
Are they using a trolling motor for transport?

Twenty seven miles per hour …

The arthritic blind septuagenarian down the street can work his walker faster than that for crying out loud!!!
::: It’s true. I’ve chased him a couple of times in my car. Gramps can go! :::

You know what? This cruise ship deal just doesn’t seem very piratey to me.
Time was, oceangoing terrorism actually meant something!

The number of pirate attacks this year has shot up faster than Amy Winehouse in a Camden crackhouse! The International Maritime Bureau cites more than 90 pirate attacks off East Africa alone.

And when the blundering bucs aren’t being outrun by luxury liners moving at a glacial pace, they do occasionally make it to the hijacking phase (or ‘lightning round’ as it’s called in the biz) where the scores can really change!

That’s when the swarthy swashbucklers take the stolen ships to Somali waters and wait to find out if anyone gives enough of a shit about the vessel and crew to cough up some cool ransom cashola.

So far this year, bilge suckers have raked in an estimated $150 million.

$150 million!!! And still they can’t get a boat capable of outrunning a lumbering sea mass like The Nautica?

I may be just a silly ol’ landlubber, but I’d say it’s time for a management change at the ol’ Marauders Club.

December 2, 2008 at 4:35 pm 6 comments

Yes, I DO want extra fries with that miracle


Well pass the peanut butter and toss me a Twinkie — there’s hope for my hips on the horizon!

“Scientists hunting for a fat-burning drug have a new candidate that may help keep extra weight off, even on a high-fat diet.”
::: cornbread + bacon = fatty go bye bye?!? Get OUT!!! :::

miracleOh sweet light of heaven above – I’ve waited my whole life for this moment — to be rewarded for my complete committment and utter devotion to sloth and gluttony!

Don’t laugh! This is serious! It’s a lifestyle not everyone can handle. You have to want it bad and answer tough questions every day!
Is there such a thing as too much butter?
Why can’t I fry everything in pork fat and cheese?
Is meat dipped in chocolate really a bad thing?

And now I know the answer:
WHO CARES!!
:::: fat pill, oh fat pill – I pledge my love to thee … :::

highfatmouseUnfortunately, it’ll be a while before I can suck down sausage gravy with wild abandon. The drug’s only in the ‘experimental’ phase.
::: Let me be a tester!! I have LOTS of experience with ‘chemical’ experimentation!!!! :::

It’s called SRT1720 and has only been tested on mice, but when Mickey and Minnie were given a high dose of SRT1720 every day for three months, they didn’t gain weight on a high-fat diet.
::: so. Damned. EXCITED!!! Ahhhh!!!!! :::

What’s more, it boosted their metabolism, increased endurance and strength AND didn’t make the mice go mental of eff with regular digestion.
::: giveittomenow!!! GIVEITTOMENOW!!!  GIVEITTOMENOW!!!!! :::

Everybody’s soon-to-be new bff is being developed by wonderful people I want to shower with love, doughnuts and chocolate milk who work for Sirtris Pharmaceuticals, a GlaxoSmithKline company.

Along with my bellybutton, I think I just found my next stock purchase …

November 6, 2008 at 3:37 pm 2 comments

Financial hardship is a hairy situation


America is morphing into a nation of fuglies!

I’m not talking the temporary-for-Halloween costume fug …  I’m talking permanent-for-REAL-fug!
And I didn’t just come to this realization after some recent (and very unfortunate) time spent staring at offending mom jeansers in CVS yesterday as I tried to snag last-minute Halloween candy bargains.

No no — it’s a fact!
America is going fug.
::: frealz! :::

Proof: L’Oreal.

The cosmetics giant shelled out big bucks on ad spending last quarter looking for big gains — but it was all for naught.

The vanity industry, it seems, is locked in the economic deathgrip that’s already claimed the auto industry, the banking industry, the housing industry, the travel industry and more every day. Consequently, L’Oreal found itself posting some pretty weak third quarter numbers – including a 5.7% decline in organic sales in North America.

And L’Oreal blames their sagging solvency on me — oh and YOU too, Mrs., Miss and Ms. America!

WE, they say, are to blame because of the “sharp drop in salon visits” WE made in North America last quarter.
::: Well, hey — if I have to choose between my hootch and my hair color — I think we all know where The Cookie’s money is going!! Am I right, ladies?!? Am I right?!? :::

OUR lack of salon patronage was the only point of weakness in North America the company discussed – but OUR lack of follicle-enhancing finances isn’t just killing L’Oreal.
Oh no – OUR poverty is a problem for L’Oreal’s competitors, too.
::: good thing misery loves company :::

According to Cyrus Bulsara, principal in Professional Consultants & Resources, “The average used to be every five to six weeks,” for hair coloring visits. “Now, women are waiting every six to eight weeks to have coloring done.” Everybody’s hurting.

So what’s the message here?
America: Your killing the economy! STOP BEING POOR and get your hair did already?

Nice reverse psychology try there, cosmetics conglomerators!
Like blaming your problems on my penniless ass – THEN trying to make me feel guilty about it is gonna
do anything except make me spend even more of my weave money on wine?!?
::: don’t you know me?!? :::

HAHAHAHAHA – that’s a knee-slapper for sure! HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!

Oh damn — I laughed so hard I cried off part of my $9 Non-Waterproof, Hypoallergenic Telescopic Mascara!!!

October 31, 2008 at 5:34 pm 1 comment

Everybody Panic!


Oh my god – the end is near!!

This is bigtime seriousness worthy of multiple exclamation points for maximum emphasis!!!!!!!!!!!!

Some Google big guns broke out the big-girl panties this week and sent a memo to folks in the New York City office informing them of *GASP* reduced cafeteria hours and **DOUBLE GASP** reduced food selection as part of an effort “to find areas where efficiency can be improved.”

ACK!
PHLIK!!
GWOCK!!
::: slow. deep. breaths. :::

Seriously though – you should panic.
Now.

The day you see the big swingin’ dick around town pinchin’ pennies is the day you can pretty much start packing it in.
That’s it.
Lights out.
Don’t let the ‘jobs are next to go’ sign hit you in the ass on your way out.

Googlers see Mr. Economy over at the bar putting GHB in Miss Advertising’s cosmo as he prepares to butt rape that bitch well into the next presidency and, since they’ve watched their golden stock get a tad tarnished after losing nearly half it’s value this year, the cheeses are running scared.

They’re derailing the worker-bee gravy train and pulling the plug on some of the perks for which their company is universally famous.

Afternoon tea on Tuesdays?
GONE!
Snack-a-palooza smorgasbord in the micro-kitchen?
NOT ANYMORE!!
Free dinner take-out?
hahahahaha — No.

Google is also shaving a half-hour off the time the hired help get for breakfast.
::: Don’t they know it’s the most important meal of the day?!?!?!  :::

Morning munchtime has been whittled down to one wimpy hour (down from 90 minutes) … and that’s not all! Lunch and Dinner have been trimmed from 2 hours to 90 minutes.
::: quel horreur!!! :::

Oh but it’s not all bad.
The brass did toss the little people a bone … they promised the occasional ‘surprise snack attack’ just like their big-boy counterparts get in Google’s Mountain View, California offices.
::: a teaspoon of sugar helps the medicine go down … :::

Employee morale meltdown in 3 … 2 …

October 30, 2008 at 3:38 pm 1 comment

Oh, those cunning British linguists!


Political correctness policeA bunch of Brits have decided to do away with the much-overused business term ‘brainstorming’ as it may possibly, perhaps, plausibly but probably not cause distress to epileptics who are ‘so sensitive that anything with the word “brain” in it causes distress’.

Instead, they propose that we engage in ‘thought showering’ during meetings designed for idea generation.

Oh, well done, British Idiots!!!! Splendid idea!

But why cater to just the epileptics?!?
I can think of several other words and phrases to, umm, ‘modify’ for LOTS of other groups …

For instance, it is highly likely that use of the business cliché ‘brain dump’ might seriously offend the horrifically incontinent.
Can you just imagine  the shitstorm that  phrase has probably caused over the years? We can’t have that. So, instead of saying ‘brain dump’, I propose we ‘undergo an excretory thought-elimination process’.
You’re feelin’ me, right?

And while I’m at it — I know for a FACT that the closet-claustrophobe in the conjoining cubicle hates to be encouraged to ‘think outside the box’ but would much rather be encouraged to ‘cogitate externally from within’.
::: You didn’t think I cared, did you Martha!?! :::

Oooo, ooo — and Gaylord? On the third floor? I know Gay would much rather ‘thrust against the big, broad horizon’ than be urged to blandly ‘push the envelope’.
::: Gay TOTALLY feels me — my HR department can attest to that:::

Yup, I’ll back the Brits on this movement because I think it’s very important that, going forward moving in a future-advancing motion, we not drop the ball fell the orb on this issue but rather bring our A-game tranport a primary-vowel achievement when it comes to making the language of business corporate-centered vernacular appropriate for everyone pluralistically agreeable.

 Anything less just wouldn’t be civically rectitudinous!

June 20, 2008 at 7:17 pm 3 comments


This is the shit you bitches are reading


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