Posts tagged ‘british’

London Calling


It is ON!
I am DOIN’ it!!
You better be ready, Great Britain!!!

Lock up the London Cookiebooze and tie up the hounds, ’cause this¬†little trick is LONDON-bound!!

Gonna take in the Thames, check out Ye Old Cheshire Cheese, make my way through the Tate Modern, eat a bite at the crypt cafe in the Church of St. Martin In The Fields, see St. James Park, the Blue Bridge, the Churchill War Rooms, the Wallace Collection, Westminster Abbey, Big Ben, Fleet Street, Dickens House, Buckingham Palace, Trafalgar Square, Tower Bridge, Piccadilly Circus, Foyles, London Bank, Green Friday Market … man, I am gonna do it ALL!

Now, y’all have to promise to behave while I’m gone — m’kay pumpkins??
I might even bring you some spotted dick if you’re really good! ūüėČ

Later, bitches!

November 27, 2012 at 4:28 pm 1 comment

Cookie Casualties!!!


Calm down – Not that kind of cookie …
::: I would never hurt you intentionally :::

But seriously – not to pick on the Brits or anything but what in holy hell is wrong with you fucking people?!?

A new study has revealed that the fat prats across the pond are just a big ol’ bunch of pansy-assed wah-wahs who can’t seem to handle their daily tea without a round of tears to go with it.

evil_cookResearch company Mindlab International was commissioned by the makers of Rocky Chocolate biscuits and discovered that more than half of all Britons have been injured by biscuits.

Biscuits.

For any non-European nimrods reading this rubbish who don’t know — biscuit = cookie.

Don’t laugh!
::: ok, maybe just a little :::

This is like a national epidemic or some shit!

An estimated 25 MILLION apparently braindead Britons have been injured as they ate during a tea or coffee break (25 MILLION) and at least 500 of the crybaby poo-pooheads had to carry their crumpets to the local care ward for futher ridicule treatment.

gingerdeadmanThe list of injuries from the ingestibles includes:
1. People being fucking stupid poking themselves in the eye

2. People being fucking stupid falling of their chair while reaching for a bisuit

3. People being fucking stupid scalding their fingers reaching for crumbs floating in a hot cuppa something

4. People being fucking stupid getting bitten by a pet or “other wild animal” trying to get their biscuit

5. People being fucking stupid breaking teeth on too-hard biscuits

6. People being fucking stupid choking on crumbs

But none one of those owees can shake a stick at the most superachievery biscuit blunder of all time!!
The asshat who gave the middle finger to fate, went full retard and ended up stuck in wet concrete after wading in to pick up a stray cookie.
::: way to go dumbass, Foxworthy’s got your sign … :::

Researchifiers even sketched out a sort of ‘Most Wanted’ list of the most dangerous edible offenders out scarycookiesthere. The list, appropriately called The Biscuit Injury Threat Evaluation, or B.I.T.E. – ranks the dastardly Custard Creme the all-time No. 1 most badass bisuit in the bunch – The Supreme Cookie Casualty Causer!
So … just so you know – stay away from that bitch!

Mike Driver, Marketing Director for Rocky said: “We commissioned this study after learning how many biscuit related injuries are treated by doctors each year. orking with biscuits every day, we’d long suspected they’re not as innocent as they look, and we were right.”

And thank GOD – right?!?
Just think of all of the cookie catastrophes that could have been!

Whew

SOURCE

September 10, 2009 at 10:31 am 3 comments

Dumb in Dallas


Intersection of Stupid and DumbassThe PC Police are at it again … this time¬†in¬†Dallas County, Texas where a snoozer of a meeting about traffic tickets turned all kinds of nasty as quick as 1-2-3 over the use of one of the world’s most common astronomy terms.

1. Commissioner Kenneth Mayfield, who is white, said it seemed that central collections office¬†“has become a black hole” because paperwork routinely gets lost there.

2. That caused Commissioner John Wiley Price, who is black, to shout¬†“Excuse me!” before correcting his pigment-deficient¬†colleague, saying the office has become a “white hole.”¬†

3. And that caused Judge Thomas Jones, also black, to demand an apology from whitey Mayfield for his racially insensitive comment.

Seriously people¬†— this again?!?
I feel a crying jag coming on.

For the record …
Black Hole:
  • An area of space-time with a gravitational field so intense that its escape velocity is equal to or exceeds the speed of light.
  • A great void; an abyss: The government created a bureaucratic black hole that swallows up individual initiative.
    Source: American Heritage Dictionary

    White Hole:
  • The reversal of a black hole.
  • A theoretical celestial object that ejects matter.
    Source: Dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.1)
  • ¬†

    I’ll grant you, so far the 2008 Verbal Retardation Award has to go to the Brits who wanted to ban ‘brainstorming’ in favor of ‘thought showering’¬† — but these Dallas County Commissioners have definitely earned themselves a most dishonorable mention in the ’20 Kinds of Asshatednessly Overboard Responses’ subcategory.

    What other perfectly legit words and phrases will we next be asked to quit?
    Hmmmmmmm …..

  • Will we never have another black out?
    ::: Los Angelinos rejoice — right? :::
  • Do they stop searching for the black box after plane crashes?
  • Will¬†companies have to stop reporting that they’re¬†in the black?
    ::: Not many are actually doing that right now anyway :::
  • Should¬†Sikorsky rename the Black Hawk helicopter — and (ACK!) what about Ridley Scott’s movie of the same name — guess that puppy’s got to be redone.
  • What’s to become of the folks currently living in Black Lick, Pennsylvania?
    ::: where o’ where will Aunt Midge’s mail go?!?!?! :::
  • Will Publix stop carrying black cherry soda?
  • Do I no longer have to fear black cats?
  • Can anarchists no longer fly their black flag?
  • Does Germany need to rename the Black Forest?
  • Will families no longer have black sheep?
    ::: don’t get excited Cleetus – you’ll always have that honor :::

  • God help the environmentalists once the aliens go PC …

    July 10, 2008 at 4:18 pm 6 comments

    Oh, those cunning British linguists!


    Political correctness policeA bunch of Brits have decided to do away with the much-overused business term ‘brainstorming’ as it may possibly, perhaps, plausibly but probably not cause distress to epileptics who are ‘so sensitive that anything with the word “brain” in it causes distress’.

    Instead, they propose that we engage in ‘thought showering’ during meetings designed for idea generation.

    Oh, well done, British Idiots!!!! Splendid idea!

    But why cater to just the epileptics?!?
    I¬†can think of several other words and phrases to, umm, ‘modify’ for LOTS of other groups …

    For instance, it is highly likely that use of the business clich√© ‘brain dump’ might seriously offend the horrifically incontinent.
    Can you just¬†imagine¬† the shitstorm that¬† phrase has probably caused over the years? We can’t have that. So, instead of saying ‘brain dump’,¬†I propose we¬†‘undergo an excretory thought-elimination process’.
    You’re feelin’ me, right?

    And while I’m at it — I know for a FACT that the closet-claustrophobe in the conjoining cubicle hates to be encouraged to ‘think outside the box’ but would much rather be encouraged to ‘cogitate externally from within’.
    ::: You didn’t think I cared, did you Martha!?! :::

    Oooo, ooo — and Gaylord? On the third floor? I know Gay¬†would much rather ‘thrust against the big, broad horizon’ than be urged to¬†blandly ‘push the envelope’.
    :::¬†Gay TOTALLY feels me — my HR department can attest to that:::

    Yup, I’ll back the Brits on this movement because I think it’s very important that, going forward moving in a future-advancing motion, we not drop the ball fell the orb on this issue but rather bring our A-game tranport¬†a primary-vowel achievement when it comes to making the language of business corporate-centered vernacular appropriate for everyone pluralistically agreeable.

    ¬†Anything less just wouldn’t be civically rectitudinous!

    June 20, 2008 at 7:17 pm 3 comments



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