Posts tagged ‘britain’

London Calling

It is ON!
I am DOIN’ it!!
You better be ready, Great Britain!!!

Lock up the London Cookiebooze and tie up the hounds, ’cause thisĀ little trick is LONDON-bound!!

Gonna take in the Thames, check out Ye Old Cheshire Cheese, make my way through the Tate Modern, eat a bite at the crypt cafe in the Church of St. Martin In The Fields, see St. James Park, the Blue Bridge, the Churchill War Rooms, the Wallace Collection, Westminster Abbey, Big Ben, Fleet Street, Dickens House, Buckingham Palace, Trafalgar Square, Tower Bridge, Piccadilly Circus, Foyles, London Bank, Green Friday Market … man, I am gonna do it ALL!

Now, y’all have to promise to behave while I’m gone — m’kay pumpkins??
I might even bring you some spotted dick if you’re really good! šŸ˜‰

Later, bitches!

November 27, 2012 at 4:28 pm 1 comment

Pucker up, Buttercup!

Well slip me the tongue and call me protected!

I have been saved by the smooch!!

Some big brain over in Britain did some super serious scientifical researchification and discovered that “female inoculation with a specific male’s cytomegalovirus is most efficiently achieved through mouth-to-mouth contact and saliva exchange, particularly where the flow of saliva is from the male to the typically shorter female.”

Which is really just a big ol’ fancified $20 way of saying swapping spit can stop my sweet ass from getting sick!
Now I know why it is that I so very rarely get ill …

I’ve been innoculated by nookie!
::: and I LIKE it!! :::



::: suckit sickos!! :::

Dr. Colin Hendrie of the University of Leeds says that smoochin’ on the same person for about six months provides the best protection.
::: I have soooo met that quota! :::

“As the relationships progresses and the kisses become more passionate, the woman’s immunity builds up, cutting her odds of becoming ill,” a report in the journal Medical Hypotheses states.

Flu shot, schmooo shmot — I am so healthy I don’t even need that shit!!!

I’m gonna go drink for 30 hours straight, get high on paint fumes, run with scissors and tear up the organ donor card, ‘cuz I’m here for the duration, bitches!


Hey hey Mr. Cookie! Bring those live savin’ lips back over here, babe!


November 6, 2009 at 11:03 am 2 comments

Cookie Casualties!!!

Calm down – Not that kind of cookie …
::: I would never hurt you intentionally :::

But seriously – not to pick on the Brits or anything but what in holy hell is wrong with you fucking people?!?

A new study has revealed that the fat prats across the pond are just a big ol’ bunch of pansy-assed wah-wahs who can’t seem to handle their daily tea without a round of tears to go with it.

evil_cookResearch company Mindlab International was commissioned by the makers of Rocky Chocolate biscuits and discovered that more than half of all Britons have been injured by biscuits.


For any non-European nimrods reading this rubbish who don’t know — biscuit = cookie.

Don’t laugh!
::: ok, maybe just a little :::

This is like a national epidemic or some shit!

An estimated 25 MILLION apparently braindead Britons have been injured as they ate during a tea or coffee break (25 MILLION) and at least 500 of the crybaby poo-pooheads had to carry their crumpets to the local care ward for futher ridicule treatment.

gingerdeadmanThe list of injuries from the ingestibles includes:
1. People being fucking stupid poking themselves in the eye

2. People being fucking stupid falling of their chair while reaching for a bisuit

3. People being fucking stupid scalding their fingers reaching for crumbs floating in a hot cuppa something

4. People being fucking stupid getting bitten by a pet or “other wild animal” trying to get their biscuit

5. People being fucking stupid breaking teeth on too-hard biscuits

6. People being fucking stupid choking on crumbs

But none one of those owees can shake a stick at the most superachievery biscuit blunder of all time!!
The asshat who gave the middle finger to fate, went full retard and ended up stuck in wet concrete after wading in to pick up a stray cookie.
::: way to go dumbass, Foxworthy’s got your sign … :::

Researchifiers even sketched out a sort of ‘Most Wanted’ list of the most dangerous edible offenders out scarycookiesthere. The list, appropriately called The Biscuit Injury Threat Evaluation, or B.I.T.E. – ranks the dastardly Custard Creme the all-time No. 1 most badass bisuit in the bunch – The Supreme Cookie Casualty Causer!
So … just so you know – stay away from that bitch!

Mike Driver, Marketing Director for Rocky said: “We commissioned this study after learning how many biscuit related injuries are treated by doctors each year. orking with biscuits every day, we’d long suspected they’re not as innocent as they look, and we were right.”

And thank GOD – right?!?
Just think of all of the cookie catastrophes that could have been!



September 10, 2009 at 10:31 am 3 comments

Fuckin’ kids


Queen Victoria was HUGE!
And I don’t mean just hugely significant from an historical standpoint, ‘kay?
That bitch was bustin’ out and bringin’ the chunk by the motherload, yo!

Just check out the bulky bloomers on display at London’s Kensington Palace, which were worn by that hot stack of homefried steak herself at the end of the 19th century.
::: heavy thigh :::

Let’s face it, those 56-inch waist drahz would fit better as the newest addition to the Ripley’s Hall of Frame-Shame than it does in its new home – Britain’s Royal Ceremonial Dress Collection at Kensington Palace. Oh but those luxurious loins and that fullest of full figures wasn’t her fault, see?!

The longest-serving monarch in all of British history, that most fantabulastic of fatasses is said to have had a much more acceptable 20-inch waist as a younger woman, but the abuse her body endured after birthing nine brats swelled her buttery buttocks to bulkitudinously beastly behemoth proportions.
::: blech! :::

Those little bastards are sooo grounded!


September 9, 2009 at 10:09 am

Which is worse?

Trying to pick up a chick at the funeral for your lover/son’s mother or finding out the chickĀ you tried to pick up is your daughter?

Ayep. That’s the proverbial rock and hard place Ryan O’Neil found Osowronghimself between at Farrah Fawcett’s recent funeral.

“I had just put the casket in the hearse and I was watching it drive away when a beautiful blonde woman comes up and embraces me,” O’hellnohedidn’t disclosed to Vanity Fair.

“I said to her, ‘You have a drink on you? You have a car?’
She replied, ‘Daddy, it’s me – Tatum!’
::: so that’s how it is in their family … :::

“I was just trying to be funny with a strange Swedish woman, and it’s my daughter.
It’s so sick.”

Well, RyRy … the first part is admitting you have a problem …


August 4, 2009 at 4:01 pm

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