Posts tagged ‘britain’

London Calling


It is ON!
I am DOIN’ it!!
You better be ready, Great Britain!!!

Lock up the London Cookiebooze and tie up the hounds, ’cause this¬†little trick is LONDON-bound!!

Gonna take in the Thames, check out Ye Old Cheshire Cheese, make my way through the Tate Modern, eat a bite at the crypt cafe in the Church of St. Martin In The Fields, see St. James Park, the Blue Bridge, the Churchill War Rooms, the Wallace Collection, Westminster Abbey, Big Ben, Fleet Street, Dickens House, Buckingham Palace, Trafalgar Square, Tower Bridge, Piccadilly Circus, Foyles, London Bank, Green Friday Market … man, I am gonna do it ALL!

Now, y’all have to promise to behave while I’m gone — m’kay pumpkins??
I might even bring you some spotted dick if you’re really good! ūüėČ

Later, bitches!

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November 27, 2012 at 4:28 pm 1 comment

Pucker up, Buttercup!


Well slip me the tongue and call me protected!

I have been saved by the smooch!!

Some big brain over in Britain did some super serious scientifical researchification and discovered that “female inoculation with a specific male’s cytomegalovirus is most efficiently achieved through mouth-to-mouth contact and saliva exchange, particularly where the flow of saliva is from the male to the typically shorter female.”

Which is really just a big ol’ fancified $20 way of saying swapping spit can stop my sweet ass from getting sick!
Now I know why it is that I so very rarely get ill …

I’ve been innoculated by nookie!
::: and I LIKE it!! :::

I AM A MEDICAL MIRACLE!!!

I’M GONNA LIVE FOREVER!!!!!!!!!

::: suckit sickos!! :::

Dr. Colin Hendrie of the University of Leeds says that smoochin’ on the same person for about six months provides the best protection.
::: I have soooo met that quota! :::

“As the relationships progresses and the kisses become more passionate, the woman’s immunity builds up, cutting her odds of becoming ill,” a report in the journal Medical Hypotheses states.

Flu shot, schmooo shmot — I am so healthy I don’t even need that shit!!!

I’m gonna go drink for 30 hours straight, get high on paint fumes, run with scissors and tear up the organ donor card, ‘cuz I’m here for the duration, bitches!

HAHAHAHAHA YEEEEAAAAHHHHH!!!!!

Hey hey Mr. Cookie! Bring those live savin’ lips back over here, babe!

SOURCE

November 6, 2009 at 11:03 am 2 comments

Cookie Casualties!!!


Calm down – Not that kind of cookie …
::: I would never hurt you intentionally :::

But seriously – not to pick on the Brits or anything but what in holy hell is wrong with you fucking people?!?

A new study has revealed that the fat prats across the pond are just a big ol’ bunch of pansy-assed wah-wahs who can’t seem to handle their daily tea without a round of tears to go with it.

evil_cookResearch company Mindlab International was commissioned by the makers of Rocky Chocolate biscuits and discovered that more than half of all Britons have been injured by biscuits.

Biscuits.

For any non-European nimrods reading this rubbish who don’t know — biscuit = cookie.

Don’t laugh!
::: ok, maybe just a little :::

This is like a national epidemic or some shit!

An estimated 25 MILLION apparently braindead Britons have been injured as they ate during a tea or coffee break (25 MILLION) and at least 500 of the crybaby poo-pooheads had to carry their crumpets to the local care ward for futher ridicule treatment.

gingerdeadmanThe list of injuries from the ingestibles includes:
1. People being fucking stupid poking themselves in the eye

2. People being fucking stupid falling of their chair while reaching for a bisuit

3. People being fucking stupid scalding their fingers reaching for crumbs floating in a hot cuppa something

4. People being fucking stupid getting bitten by a pet or “other wild animal” trying to get their biscuit

5. People being fucking stupid breaking teeth on too-hard biscuits

6. People being fucking stupid choking on crumbs

But none one of those owees can shake a stick at the most superachievery biscuit blunder of all time!!
The asshat who gave the middle finger to fate, went full retard and ended up stuck in wet concrete after wading in to pick up a stray cookie.
::: way to go dumbass, Foxworthy’s got your sign … :::

Researchifiers even sketched out a sort of ‘Most Wanted’ list of the most dangerous edible offenders out scarycookiesthere. The list, appropriately called The Biscuit Injury Threat Evaluation, or B.I.T.E. – ranks the dastardly Custard Creme the all-time No. 1 most badass bisuit in the bunch – The Supreme Cookie Casualty Causer!
So … just so you know – stay away from that bitch!

Mike Driver, Marketing Director for Rocky said: “We commissioned this study after learning how many biscuit related injuries are treated by doctors each year. orking with biscuits every day, we’d long suspected they’re not as innocent as they look, and we were right.”

And thank GOD – right?!?
Just think of all of the cookie catastrophes that could have been!

Whew

SOURCE

September 10, 2009 at 10:31 am 3 comments

Fuckin’ kids



Oh.
My.
GAWD!

Queen Victoria was HUGE!
And I don’t mean just hugely significant from an historical standpoint, ‘kay?
That bitch was bustin’ out and bringin’ the chunk by the motherload, yo!

Just check out the bulky bloomers on display at London’s Kensington Palace, which were worn by that hot stack of homefried steak herself at the end of the 19th century.
::: heavy thigh :::

Let’s face it, those 56-inch waist drahz would fit better as the newest addition to the Ripley’s Hall of Frame-Shame than it does in its new home – Britain’s Royal Ceremonial Dress Collection at Kensington Palace. Oh but those luxurious loins and that fullest of full figures wasn’t her fault, see?!

The longest-serving monarch in all of British history, that most fantabulastic of fatasses is said to have had a much more acceptable 20-inch waist as a younger woman, but the abuse her body endured after birthing nine brats swelled her buttery buttocks to bulkitudinously beastly behemoth proportions.
::: blech! :::

Those little bastards are sooo grounded!

SOURCE

September 9, 2009 at 10:09 am

Which is worse?


Trying to pick up a chick at the funeral for your lover/son’s mother or finding out the chick¬†you tried to pick up is your daughter?

Ayep. That’s the proverbial rock and hard place Ryan O’Neil found Osowronghimself between at Farrah Fawcett’s recent funeral.

“I had just put the casket in the hearse and I was watching it drive away when a beautiful blonde woman comes up and embraces me,” O’hellnohedidn’t disclosed to Vanity Fair.

“I said to her, ‘You have a drink on you? You have a car?’
She replied, ‘Daddy, it’s me – Tatum!’
::: so that’s how it is in their family … :::

“I was just trying to be funny with a strange Swedish woman, and it’s my daughter.
It’s so sick.”

Well, RyRy … the first part is admitting you have a problem …

SOURCE

August 4, 2009 at 4:01 pm

Holiday Humbug


Some¬†dumb bitch in Panama City has gotten her EEOC-complaint on¬†because she¬†says she was fired from her job for refusing to answer the phone by saying ‘Happy Holidays’ as opposed to ‘Merry Christmas’.

The Rundown:
Tonia Thomas says the phrase ‘Happy Holidays’ contributes to the secularization of Christmas. The Orlando-based Liberty Counsel, which advocates for people discriminated against because of religion, is representing her.
– Her former employer, Counts Oakes Resort Properties, called bullshit on her defense and says she was fired for other reasons.
– The EEOC¬†hasn’t said squat … yet

Cookie’s Comeback:
I’d like to suggest that Ms. Thomas remove her head from her ass long enough to remember that her job was to book vacation rentals¬†in Florida¬†… and the last time I checked, folks from all over the world were free to get their Sunshine State vakay on.

That means people who don’t live within a 10-mile radius of the property rental office¬†who may be of different cultural or religious¬†heritage but still want to catch a¬†gnarly¬†wave or bake their buns in the¬†South Florida Sun¬†will occasionally be calling with inquiries of how best to¬†hand over their discretionary income in exchange for a beachfront condo …

‘Kay, girlfriend?
This world is a smallishly big place where many people observe or celebrate something other than (or in addition to) Christmas this time of year.
::: Free your mind and the rest will follow … :::

With head firmly out of ass, Ms. Thomas should find it much easier to see this great big beautiful world (and her country, state and city) in terms greater than her own self-indulgent, egocentric personhood.

In this last month every year in the world of more than Tonia Thomas’ me-me-me-ness, people gather together in celebration of several important secular and religous¬†events that don’t go by the name Christmas but are every bit as important to the folks who observe them.

Bottom line:
I can’t speak for everyone (although I’d like to!) but I can say that – taking into account that I do not live in my own little universe – I have zero issue¬†with extending a generic but nonetheless heartfelt wish for universal happiness and well-being to those who’s company I am fortunate enough to keep in the month of December.

So let’s go ahead and give Tonia Thomas a tiara because she has earned the dubious distinction of being my ‘Dumbass Bitch of the Season’ as well as the year-round title of official¬†‘Redneck Riviera Retard’ for her ability to throw caution and common sense to the winds while adopting¬†an absolutely¬†mindnumbingly myopic and ill-advised moral stance over what is, in essense, one of the most extremely non-pressing non-important non-issue issues of our time.

Take a bow, Tonia. Take a bow.

—————————————————————————–

And, just in case anyone was wondering about those December dates¬†…

Kwanzaa
A seven-day celebration of African family, culture and community, Kwanzaa is not a religious celebration but rather a cultural one which begins December 26 and runs through January 1.

Boxing Day
A public holiday also observed on December 26 by folks in the United Kingdom, Canada, New Zealand Australia and countries in the Commonwealth of Nations.
Historically, the tradition of Boxing Day calls for the giving of presents to the poor.
::: Those after-Christmas deep discounts really come in handy! :::

Hanukkah
This year, the Jewish holiday began at sundown on Sunday, December 22. Although it’s not a ‘High Hoy Day’, the Hanukkah is still one of the most widely recognized religious celebrations in the world.
Because the holiday is fixed on the Hebrew calendar as the 25th day of Kislev (for those playing along at home) it varies on the Gregorian calendar used by the rest of the world.
As a result, Hanukkah can fall anywhere from late November to late December which means that it often crosses paths (and sometimes downright overlaps) Christmas on the ol’ calendar.

Saint Nicholas Day
On December 6, folks in Northern Europe use Saint Nicholas Day to¬†educate children that¬†jolly old St. Nick¬†wasn’t always just¬†some gluttonous elf who rides around giving PlayStations and Wiis and iPods to privileged little boys and girls one night each year.
Instead they recognize Saint Nicholas’s¬†great kindness and generous aid to those in distress.
Traditional celebrations of this day include gifts left in children’s shoes (the origin of our American Christmas stockings). Good children receive treats – candies, cookies, apples and nuts, while naughty children receive switches or lumps of coal.

Eid’ul-Adha
Observed on December 8, this Muslim holiday commemorates the willingness of Ibrahim to sacrifice his son Ishmael as an act of obedience to God.

Fiesta of Our Lady of Guadalupe
Observed every December 12, Fiesta of Our Lady of Guadalupe
is one of the most important dates on the Mexican calendar. It’s¬†a time of great sacrifice and jubilation¬†when thousands of the faithful from around the country make¬†a pilgrimage to the Bas√≠lica of Guadalupe, in Mexico City, where the miraculous image of la Virgen Morena is kept.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS BITCHES!!!!!!

December 23, 2008 at 9:44 pm 4 comments

Drugs are bad … mmmmkay?


I’ve got a post-debate hangover which means I feel bad that it wasn’t a true blowout one way or the other and when I feel bad I think of other people who I bet feel bad or at least look bad and so I try to find pictures of them to make myself feel better because, well, look at them — they’re fug and famous which means they’re worse off than me because I can be fug in my computer room and no one has to know.
HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Sucks to be you famous fuggies!
And so, while having my fourth cup of coffee (what?!? that’s normal!!) I came across the poster child of famous fug and so I am turning my Saturday morning into a PSA because, well, I care.
::: actually I don’t have anything else going on for a while — the gym isn’t open yet, but whatever … :::

I give you Amy Winehouse — snapped doing something somewhere in London sometime last week (photo left). I’m sad for her because I remember her just four short years ago when her career began to blow up (photo right).

Seriously, does anyone care about this bitch?
And just how the hell is she still alive?!?

Britney — you takin’ notes, hon?

September 27, 2008 at 1:14 pm 3 comments

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