Posts tagged ‘breakfast’

Put the brakes on breakfast, bitches!

The pancakes are pleased and the muffins amused but you can bet your sweet ass the ankle-biters in your abode are gonna be 12 shades of WAAAHHHHHHH when they find out about the nationwide waffle shortage.


That’s right, ‘rents – it’s time to push the panic button!
::: oh noes!!!!! :::

The Kellogg Company announced the awfulness and blamed the batter cake blight on “a confluence of events” — including Listeria monocytogenes [Mmmm Mmmm good!] that forced its Atlanta manufacturing plant to be shuttered for some serious sanitizing and then wouldnchajustnkowit – freak flooding at the same facility just as they were ready to resume production. 😦
::: timing is everything :::

Kellogg flak Kris Charles conceded, “Flooding at our Atlanta facility as well as equipment issues necessitating extensive enhancements and repairs at our largest waffle bakery facility.”

Oh, but it’s ok.
I’m sure they’re on it.
I’m sure they have a plan!
I’m sure they wouldn’t just wing it when it comes to a full-scale waffle washout!

“We are working around the clock to restore Eggo store inventories to normal levels as quickly as possible,” Charles said in crystal clear industry insider codespeak which, loosely translated, means ‘the chances of Joe Consumer gettin’ those griddle goodies at his local grocery are about the same as Palin getting a Pulitzer’.
::: Hi Slim! Meet NONE! :::

Hmmm … maybe it’s time to crack open that container of Kashi?
… just sayin’ …


November 19, 2009 at 11:05 am 3 comments

Not the cookies!!!!!!!

Everybody panic!
The time to fear is nigh!!
The end of days has arrived!!!

Harvard, this week, revealed it has cut the cookie budget for faculty meetings and has put cooked student breafasts on the chopping block!
::: deep breaths :::

“Everyone is worried,” said Hahvahd junior George Hayward. “It could be anything next; nobody really knows.”

Pudding cups?
Ketsup packets??
Artificial sweetener???


Oh, but even academic aristocracy aren’t immune in this New Great Depression.
::: What? You thought it was over?!? HAHAHAHAHA … no. :::

With the value of its endowment down by almost 30 percent, The big H — the world’s richest university — is being forced to learn a little ‘Breadline 101’.

University honchos have already cut and frozen positions, salaries and nobreakfastservices and now they’re getting to the meat of the matter — what students and faculty eat.

“Students generally feel that if you come to Harvard, for what you’re paying, you should probably have the right to a hot breakfast,” said senior Andrea Flores. “They want to preserve the things that are at Harvard that you can’t get anywhere else.”

McMuffin anyone?

And Harvard is not the only elite institution facing a grim financial future.
Princeton has closed one of its dining halls on Saturdays.
::: EEK! :::
And, at Stanford, the annual Mausoleum Party, a Halloween gathering at the Stanford family burial site, lost $14,000 in financing and *GASP* might be canceled.
::: HORROR :::

But those woes are nothing compared to the plight of the Harvardites, where varsity athletes are SUFFERING!
::: Shocking, I know! Harvard has an athletics program! :::

“It was a big shock,” Junior Johnny Bowman said. “Athletes were accustomed to coming back from early morning practice and getting their nutrients — a solid meal.”

Ummm helloooo?!? Bright side???
The Crimson can totally blame the food sitch for their fumblatious football program!

Gotta take it where you can get it guys …

October 12, 2009 at 12:55 pm

Everybody Panic!

Oh my god – the end is near!!

This is bigtime seriousness worthy of multiple exclamation points for maximum emphasis!!!!!!!!!!!!

Some Google big guns broke out the big-girl panties this week and sent a memo to folks in the New York City office informing them of *GASP* reduced cafeteria hours and **DOUBLE GASP** reduced food selection as part of an effort “to find areas where efficiency can be improved.”

::: slow. deep. breaths. :::

Seriously though – you should panic.

The day you see the big swingin’ dick around town pinchin’ pennies is the day you can pretty much start packing it in.
That’s it.
Lights out.
Don’t let the ‘jobs are next to go’ sign hit you in the ass on your way out.

Googlers see Mr. Economy over at the bar putting GHB in Miss Advertising’s cosmo as he prepares to butt rape that bitch well into the next presidency and, since they’ve watched their golden stock get a tad tarnished after losing nearly half it’s value this year, the cheeses are running scared.

They’re derailing the worker-bee gravy train and pulling the plug on some of the perks for which their company is universally famous.

Afternoon tea on Tuesdays?
Snack-a-palooza smorgasbord in the micro-kitchen?
Free dinner take-out?
hahahahaha — No.

Google is also shaving a half-hour off the time the hired help get for breakfast.
::: Don’t they know it’s the most important meal of the day?!?!?!  :::

Morning munchtime has been whittled down to one wimpy hour (down from 90 minutes) … and that’s not all! Lunch and Dinner have been trimmed from 2 hours to 90 minutes.
::: quel horreur!!! :::

Oh but it’s not all bad.
The brass did toss the little people a bone … they promised the occasional ‘surprise snack attack’ just like their big-boy counterparts get in Google’s Mountain View, California offices.
::: a teaspoon of sugar helps the medicine go down … :::

Employee morale meltdown in 3 … 2 …

October 30, 2008 at 3:38 pm 1 comment

This is the shit you bitches are reading

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