Posts tagged ‘booze’

Nekkid nymph a no-no

If ever there was a time for the “less government” argument …

The Alabama Alcoholic Beverage Control Board brought a big ol’ deep-fried Southern Hayull tew thuh Naw! to a wine label featuring *HORROR* a  nude nymph.
::: Not so fast you wine-swilling sinners! :::

winelabeluproarThe label on Cycles Gladiator wine, —–>
produced by Hahn Family Wines in Soledad, Calif., shows a vintage 1895 bicycle advertising poster with a nude nymph flying beside a winged bicycle.

Alabama liquor regulations prohibit labels that are ‘offensive’ or ‘immodest’ and so the booze board has instructed restaurants and stores not to sell this evil-whore devil’s brew.

Hahn Family Wines president Bill Leigon says the wine has been sold nationwide without any complaints … until now Alabama.

How fitting …

Alabama: Because being backward is WORK, y’all!

P.S. — Just a wild guess, but I take it I won’t be buying these the next time I visit the fam either, eh? Poopy …

July 28, 2009 at 12:50 am 4 comments

I’ll have the soup!



July 16, 2009 at 8:31 am

War on welfare?

Pennsylvania lawmakers are considering a bill that would stick a big ol’ brick wall of “NEGATORY WINOS!” between welfare recipients and their state-funded boozy times.

This is so wrong!

In this The Great Depression 2.0 ™ – the ONE thing the hopeless and downtrodden can cling to … the ONE thing they truly gotta have – is their hooch!!!

A tummy full of Tequila or Tangueray smoothes the harsh edges of a chilly winter’s night alfresco like nobody’s business!

But just try telling that to State Rep. Dave Reed, R[eally MEAN]-Indiana, and you’ll get a steaming cuppa ‘screw you, deadbeat’!

reedReed submitted his ‘No Booze for  Beggars’ bill after discovering it was actually, like, legal and shit for the poors to buy their Boone’s using taxpayer-backed benefit cards, which look and can be used much like a common credit card.

“I had no idea at the time that such a loophole existed,” he shouted to the little people from high atop his ivory tower.
::: Get ready for a MAJOR huffy when he finds out what they do at the needle exchange!! :::

Reed’s bitter pill of a bill would bar Pennsylvania’s 619 state liquor stores and private beer distributors from accepting the Department of Public Welfare’s electronic benefit cards from the approximately 2 million Keystone Staters who get cash assistance, food stamps or medical aid of some kind.

And I know all of the assholes out there hatin’ on the homeless and dusgusted by the destitute are ALL FOR this shit!

‘Cuz it sounds good; it feels right – right?

Yeah … too bad it won’t work.

Oh shuddit!
It won’t.

Because — aside from the fact that Scaggy Maggie will flat out cut a bitch for blockin’ her Bud — Reed forgot that little bit about the bennie badges behaving like credit cards.

So who’s to stop the vagabond horde from gettin’ their ATM on?
That’s riiiight hobo haters … a steaming cuppa ‘No one’ – that’s who!

Ahhhh government!
Oh well — better luck with the druggies, Dave!


May 11, 2009 at 4:17 pm

Cold hands, hot … TODDY!

Last night was the greatest night in the history of all great nights ever to have transpired on the entire planet Earth!!!

While everyone was busy running around issuing the geezer and plant warnings mandatory for a full-on, all-out Freeze Alert panic yesterday, I was planning the most spectacular personal party of my whole entire existence!

Snuggle-Fest 2009!

It would be stupendously glorious!


There would be S’mores and booze and fondue and liquor and champorado and hooch and I had the perfect thing to go with it all because I remembered the exact location of the seldom-opened box containing one of my most treasured possessions of all: My pink-and-green polka-dotted Jumpin Jammerz.

I couldn’t wait!!!

I buzzed through my ‘crap ya gotta do before chilltime’ list at lightning speed!!!
Gettothegymandgrabatreadmillandrunrunrun followed by a little pickupsushifordinneronthewaytothestoreforsomehappyjuice action and then the night would be wiiine mine!!!
** If you’re in Florida and you never, ever, Ever, EVER get any, which is in no way to say I don’t feel you dawgs who freeze your noogies off every winter because you live in places where they have those wacky things called ‘seasons’ **

Too bad no one else appeared to be gettin’ their Winter WooHoo on.
Everywhere I went it seemed folks had just lost their gat dam minds over the fact that we were forecast to have *GASP* near-to-below freezing temperatures across Florida.

TV sprayheads, radio voicejocks, newspaper editors, emergency management personnel, friends, family, neighbors, the hot piece running next to me at the gym, everyone at Sushi Yami … hell, even the dude who carded me at the Publix liquor store … they were all freaking the frigid fuck OUT!

Iran’s nukiness, O’Beautiful’s busted nominees, Madoff’s misappropriations and that squorky little thing I like to call the New Great Depression just weren’t worth even a ticker feed of mention because it was briefly going to be *SHOCK* too cold to wear shorts and flip-flops!!!!!

“This is a disaster! I don’t even have a coat!”
“We have to got to Home Depot and get a kit to wrap the pipes or they’ll all bust!!!”
“We have got to bring in ALL of the plants!! They’ll freeze and DIE!!!”


Talk about your missed opportunities!

While they were all wrapped up in a frenzy of hypothermia hysterics, I was makin’ hot toddies and getting my cozy, toasty pajama party on with Mr. Cookie!

Ain’t no party like a cold weather party ‘cuz a cold weather party don’t stop!

February 5, 2009 at 3:33 pm 7 comments

Al Franken is king of Senaterica!!

Rejoice Americans!
The war is over!
The Battle of Minnesota is won!!!!!!

::: WOO HOO!!! Can we uncork the champagne now? :::

Democrat Al Franken will be declared Grand Poobah King of Meeneesohtah now that the counting of the recounted counts have been counted for the umpteenth zillion time, giving him a slim lead over Republican Norm Coleman in the 9,000-year struggle for his state’s senatorship

::: Yup. got it. Good stuff, there’s a winner, all’s good, blah blah blah … Champagne? Now??? :::

A bunch of folks who probably don’t even care anymore spent the weekend holding their eyes open with toothpicks while they calculated and countified what were deemed the last uncounted absentee ballots.

The result?
“Franken has a 225-vote lead,” said Minnesota Secretary of State Mark Ritchie.

::: Good. fine. WhatthefuckEVER!! When do we start drinking?!?!? :::

But Coleman, the undeterred incumbent, is ripping a page right from the Rod ‘Grabbyhands” Blagojevich playbook, vowing he will fight … he will fight … he will fight … for his right … to paaaaaAARRRTAY!
Yeaahhh ba … uhh, wait … no, that’s not right …

Coleman will fight to continue discovering, uncovering and manufacturing [if he has to] the exact number of recounted but as-yet uncounted votes needed to snatch victory from the jaws of Stuart Smalley.

::: … ehh, so that’s a ‘no’ on the bubbly then? :::

And if that doesn’t do the trick , he’ll take his case of whine all the way to the supreme court and start the goddamned process of counting the recounted counts that were counted, excluding the non-counted counts they didn’t have in the original count, all over again!

::: Geez Coleman!! It’s not all about YOU! There’s champagne for chrissakes! :::

“We remain convinced that this process is broken [because we didn’t win], and as a result, the numbers being reported will not be accurate or valid [because they don’t say we won] … (It) clearly means that a contest is the only likely remedy to ensure a fair outcome,” Coleman’s campaign manager Cullen Sheehan said.


Unless that bitch is proposing a steel-cage-drinking-contest-to-the-death, I’m a million kinds of OVER IT!

Serious question: Can we cut the new math estimatory summified bullshit and get down to the business of drinking fixing the country already?!?


January 5, 2009 at 2:13 pm 7 comments

Shiraz Syndrome

Something is wrong with me. I think I’ve known it for a while. The telltale signs are all there.

  • simple-math freakouts at tip time
    ::: 15% of $10?!? ACK!!!! :::
  • dwindling attention spa …
    ::: FOCUS!!!! :::
  • mystery body piercings
    ::: twinkly belly-buttony shininess :::
  • inappropriate emails from ‘Rico’
    ::: I don’t remember you. Your pics scare me. Seriously dude – please go away. :::

    I just never connected the dots, never realized it all pointed to a larger problem … until now.

    During my morning ritual of headline digestion I ran across an article titled ‘Does Drinking Alcohol Shrink Your Brain?‘ and I was immediately all ‘Well, does it?’

    I had to know! I swigged the last of my morning Stoli and settled in for a read.

    Some chick named Carol Ann Paul set out a while back to researchify just what, exactly, alcohol does to the human brain. She thought she could show that booze puts the beatdown on certain kinds of brain shrinkage.

    As it turns out, her findings revealed the opposite. Instead of bringing the shrinkage beatdown, hitting the sauce brings on the shrinkage.
    ::: … and I know what else it shrinks! I DO remember Rico!!!! :HAHAHAHAHA!!!!! :::

    People who drink alcohol — even the moderate amounts that help prevent heart disease — have a smaller brain volume than those who do not“, according to Carol Ann’s serious scientifical firewater findings, which were published in the Archives of Neurology.


    Cocktails do some funky shit to the contents of your cranium – I get it. I’m totally on board with that.
    Now who’s doing the reefer report and can I volunteer????

    October 16, 2008 at 3:52 pm

    This is the shit you bitches are reading

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