Posts tagged ‘blog’

Tim Taylor is not surprised

From Consumerist

“The publisher of a series of home improvement books has announced a recall of nine of them, because of errors in their instructions on installing or repairing electrical wiring.

“The Consumer Products Safety Commission says no injuries have been reported so far even though the books have been published since 1975 …”


Now, I’m no supersleuth or anything, but I do believe that’s what you might call definitive proof that nobody has ever attempted any project from any home improvement book.


January 11, 2010 at 11:16 am 1 comment


Kentucky Fried Chicken hates you.

Not the actual chicken. The company.
They hate you and they want you dead.

newKFCsandwich-thumbThat’s the only explanation I can come up with for why they are are introducing fast food’s newest heart attack waiting to happen:
The Double Bypass Down.

This bitch is made up of two original recipe (fried) chicken filets, which act as the “bread” in this sandwich. Inside, there’s bacon, pepper jack cheese, Swiss cheese and Colonel’s Sauce. It’s estimated to have about 62.4 grams of fat and 858 calories.

Food Geekery and the Orlando Sentinel are reporting that when the cardiac concoction goes national it will cost you $4.99 … cholesterol and blood pressure meds not included.

I think we have a new entry for THIS site!

PHOTO:  Food Geekery

August 25, 2009 at 10:49 am 1 comment

Strategy FAIL

Now this is forward-thinking.
This is smart.

HAHAHAnoooo, not in the slightest!
I’ve come to expect NONE of that from any of the rags so deep in denial of their suckitude that they still have the balls to call themselves bringers of ‘news’.

Since January, the South Florida Sun-Sentinel has laid off more than 60 people in an effort to cut costs, trim budgets and Band-Aid that big ol’ boo boo known ’round the world as a cash hemorrhage.

They’re eliminating positions like ‘editor’ ‘reporter’ (or, as John Q. Public ssfailwould call ’em: Fact/Spell/Don’t Get Sued/Detail Checkers) in favor of positions like ‘blogger’ and ‘i-reporter’ (which is just a nice way of saying ‘Thanks for the free content, suckweed!).

But despite all of this dramatic bootstrappin’ and cost-cuttin’ and diggin’ deep to find the fix – someone at the Sentinel gave the green-light to employ some skiff to cull through to find the funnies they clearly can’t come up with on their own.

Now, don’t get me wrong.
I love me some Fail Blog! (I also totally my engrishfunny, lolcats and, well, EVERYTHING at the Cheezburger network!)

I have spent many a drunk, sober, angry, happy, confused and otherwise conscious moment clicking through for the heehee and wishing I could be so eloquently inappropriate.
::: it’s an art … :::

But I’m not going around all Zell-ified, whacking people in the shins with the layoff stick whilst hiding behind a facade of purported fiscal responsibility at the same time paying some dumbass to ‘find funny pictures’ as part of a dopey gimmick to artificially inflate crappy stats to justify jacking ppc.

But, you know – that’s probably because I’m constantly amazed you bitches actually like the wretched waste I write … well, that and the fact that my shit’s not ‘a business’ and theirs is.
Meaning if they don’t make a buck they don’t give a fuck.

So instead of getting a clean, easily navigated online offering, we get a homepage crammed with horsheshit we can find virtually everywhere else, while the stuff they have that’s actually worth a look (Chan Lowe) is buried at the bottom of a NINE SCROLL page.
::: DESIGN FAIL! :::

It’s clear the folks corporate suits calling the shots at newspapers these days don’t get it – and the truly sad part is that they don’t seem to be very interested in trying.
And why would they, when they can just drop some coin and rip off a more popular site’s content? Right?


Not to repeat myself … but ok, yeah, sort of:
Let us know when you figure out what you wanna be when you grow up – a newspaper or a humor blog/gossip sheet.

I reeeeeeeaaalyyyyy hope it’s a newspaper, because I’d check your shit out when I want, like, NEWS and stuff!

As for the rest?
We already have Wonkette, Stuff White People Like, Confessions of A Pioneer Woman, I Don’t Like You In That Way, Neatorama, Gawker, Jezebel, The Superficial, Go Fug Yourself, Drunken Stepfather, Lainey Gossip, the entire Sugar Inc. family and, oh holy fuck, just so many others for our FREE daily scoop of cool, tawdry, funny, wrong on so many levels but you have to read it anyway … ya, it’s covered.

Stick to your roots and stop picking the fruit from the other trees.
It’s annoying – ‘kay snookums?


June 10, 2009 at 5:29 pm 4 comments

Meghan McCain: Dating Martyr

Big Mac ruined EVERYTHING!

First he fucked up what could have been the absolute best ménage à troi in political history.
::: idiot! :::

Then his rabid race-baiting followers grossed voters out even more than his geezer locks and lemony Chiclets.
::: 5 words peepaw: Elizabeth Arden Red Door Spa :::

AND NOW his losery loserness has just wreaked utter havoc on daughter Meghan’s love life!
::: nice going, DAD!!! :::

“Of all the things people warned would happen post-election, no one ever said anything about how complicated dating would become,” the lonely ‘ho boo hooed in a blog post for The Daily Beast.
::: … someone needs John Edwards’ cell number – STAT … :::

“There are things that have been difficult, but nothing quite as tough as dating. I fear the election has destroyed my ability and desire to date.”
::: So you had to take one for the team … MAN UP!! ::: 

Miserable Megs also moaned about not going on a single date – NOT A SINGLE ONE! – during the whole and entire presidential campaign.
Bitch was just too busy to get bizzay.

But now that her dad’s put the old Straight Talk Express in park, Meghan’s ready to get her groove on!
Only she can’t.
‘Cuzza dad.

“Once I went out with a guy who said the food I had ordered was a “maverick choice” and proceeded to tell me, “Wow, straight talking must run in the family.”
::: Important Tip: eHarmony doesn’t screen out McCainiacs :::

Then there was that psycho fan of her mother, Cindy McCain, who recently told her she could be “his Cindy,” and asked if she ever wore pearls like her mother.

“Any guy that has a fetish for older women in pantsuits [Hillary] and large pearls [Barbara Bush] obviously only finds my last name attractive about me,” she wrote.
::: It really is your best feature, honey :::

“I am sure I am not being fair to all the men out there, but my recent experiences have left me scarred and wary of dating. At this point, my biggest aphrodisiac is an apathetic attitude toward politics.”

Allow me to introduce you to the perfect contestants for your dating game:
DMX … and Fiddy

Problem Solved.
Case Closed.
Now STFU and go gitcha swerve on, girl!


March 3, 2009 at 4:39 pm 24 comments

Oh Please, Oh Please, Oh Pleeeeeeeease?????

Dear Academy Awards,
Please let Mickey Rourke win tonight’s Oscar for Best Actor in a Leading Role.

I know his nomination for The Wrestler was because it was, you know, ‘good’ and ‘awesome’ and a showcase of superlative adjective-type words, not to mention a bunch of other blah blah about method acting and crap like that — but that’s not what I’m talking about.

I’m talking Mickey. The mangled hunk of mysteryflesh that makes me feel like a superachiever just for waking up each morning.

I love to watch Mr. Potatoface puff his ciggies while telling everyone to fuck off or go screw themselves (but not Courtney Love) and then laugh so hard that his one natural follicle shakes when memories he thought the booze and coke had erased somehow float magically to the surface of his mind.

That shit is funny, dudes!!!

Mickey is like a one-man amusement park for my mind.
I need him, and I am being 100% totally for real here when I say — so do you.

You have to know that Mickey and Heath Ledger are the only reasons anyone will be watching your crapass show tonight – and only one of them can give a speech!

So do the right thing, guys, and remember – Loki is watching.


February 22, 2009 at 7:55 pm 3 comments

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