Posts tagged ‘belief’

Prayz Jezuz


Oh Mississippi – you assbackward bumbled bunch of statehood, you … how you do amuse me.

PROfoUnDLY plodding through life last among all states when it comes to health care and tirelessly trolling the bottom waters of public education — that ‘We’re Number ONE!’ flag you fly as the fattest in our federation now has company!

WOO HOO!!!

A new study from the fine folks over at the Pew Research Center says you, Mississippi, are also Numero Uno among the God Squad of American states.

That’s right, homegirl — you’re tops in two! Whoddathunkit?!

Pew’s Forum on Religion & Public Life used polling data in four categories to rank states for the survey: the importance of religion in people’s lives; frequency of attendance at worship services; frequency of prayer; and absolute certainty of belief in God.

Mississippi — sanctimonious little slut that you are — stood out on all four measures.

SUPERACHIEVERY SPECIALICIOUSNESS!!!

Eighty-two percent of the ‘Sippians said religion is very important in their lives.
::: yeah, but so are hamhocks and backfat … :::

Sixty percent said they attend religious services at least once a week.
::: well, I ‘spect it’s easier than math homework … :::

Seventy percent said they prayed at least once every day.
::: after they go Wal-Mart’n, that is … :::

And a whopping, supreme among all states ninety-one percent of Magnolia Staters said they believe in God with absolute certainty … which no one can dispute is a fucking goddamn miracle considering how amazingly alarmingly little else they know with absolute certainty.

Oh yeah — ya ain’t done shit in this life, girl, but theyz rewahhdz a’comin’ in the afterlife!
HOOooooooodawgeez!

December 30, 2009 at 11:17 am 5 comments

Oh Good God!


STOP IT PEOPLE!
STOP IT RIGHT NOW!!

These ‘sightings’ have gotten out of hand and it’s time for me to lay my infinite wisdom upon you – so sit back and get ready for the knowledge, bitches!

For the record:
You can believe in yourself.
You can believe in a higher power!
You can even believe in something you can’t see, feel, touch, taste, smell or quantify in any way whatsoever using words, symbols or rudimentary hand gestures!!

But for the love of all that is good, holy and not hindered by a fantascially phenomenal mind-altering chemical experience – stop trying to convince yourselves, your kids, your pets or me that you’ve found some kind of shitty substitute for salvation in your salamiat the local car dealership or on your kitchen floor!

You didn’t – and if I sound just a slight shade of pissed it’s because the latest religiously retarded spiritual sighting comes courtesy of someone who seriously ought to fucking know better … someone professionally trained to turn a cynical eye on just this type of false-idol fuckery – A JOURNALIST!

vmary1Jonathan Tilove says he found none other than the original hot slut herself – the Virgin Mary 
——————————->
in his Washington DC office this week.
::: At least the bitch is working, right? :::

“I went back to the [Cox news] office to pack the rest of my boxes and clean out my cubicle. And there it was, on my desk, a coffee stain in the image of the Virgin Mary. I was a little surprised. Why me? I’m Jewish.”
::: Helllooooo! Does the phrase ‘the chosen ones’ ring any bells?!? :::

Tilove detailed several theories explaining why his Lord and Maker might give him this special gift — including the fact that his lazy ass “provided the medium for the appearance of the coffee-stain Madonna by allowing the remains of a cup of coffee to slowly leak out of a paper cup and then only casually blotting up the spill with an old notebook.”

Well sure!
Because the All Powerful frequently rewards carelessness and sloth with significantly sacrosanct sightings.
Happens all the time!

NOT!

Know what I see when I look at Tilove’s ‘Coffee Madonna’?
sshortcakepmoments2
Strawberry Shortcake … or maybe one of those Precious Moments whores …
… but the Blessed Virgin Mother of God?

Oh Hell No!

So listen up snowflakes – ‘cuz the Cookie’s calling bullshit on this righteous rigamarole once and for all!

Your delusions aren’t divine – they’re dopey.

God isn’t some carny sideshow and he doesn’t need to go all Wonder Twins to get your attention, mm’kay?

Don’t get me wrong (and put the pitchforks down) – faith is good and religion’s totally groovy and I’m Ok/You’re Ok and blah blah fucking blah … but the guiding hand of God is not steering your sorry ass toward a special message in a cloud, your shoelace or that damned cowlick you saliva down every morning.

He’s not.
It’s true.
Deal with it.

But hey, don’t just take MY word for it …

god8ball

May 7, 2009 at 1:29 pm 3 comments

Jesus Saves … car dealership?


Jesus Sightings: They’re not just for crazy old ladies staring at the floor for weeks on end!
::: YAY JESUS FOR EVERYONE!!! :::

PT_301357_ROTH_jesus_3Case in point: In the center of a door in a Dade City, Florida used car sales manager’s office is a wood stain about 3 feet tall that some folks are swearing up, down and sideways looks juuuust like the Lamb of God himself!
::: Get a good deal on a used Saturn and see your Savior at the same time?!? Now that’s what I call one-stop shopping!! :::

“Anybody who’s seen pictures of the burial cloth and image of Christ that’s on that cloth — that same image is on that door,” said Chip Davis, who runs a paintless dent removal service that services the Jarrett Ford Lincoln Mercury dealership.

Really?
The exact same identically corresponding one???

‘Cuz I just don’t see the Great Splotch of Supreme Spirituality when I look at that stain.

I do, however, see a remarkably striking resemblance to Cousin It.

See it?
Sure you do!
Take away the top hat and it’s an Addams Family moment all the way!

But my homegirl — and fellow hellbound non-believing heathen — Ruth Johnson thinks “it looks a little bit like Sasquatch.”
::: mmmm hmm – I feel that ::: 

And customer James Bauman Jr.?
He first described it as “Christ in a Jedi outfit,” then as a “Persian king.”
James thinks the stain is really, truly, deeply meaningful.
“I believe the Rapture is just around the corner,” he said.
::: James may want to lay off the Natty Light before giving his next interview ::: 

Cliff Martin, the dealership’s general manager, doesn’t attach spiritual significance to the office door. But at least he was honest enough to admit he doesn’t mind if the Discoloration of Demented Devotion brought more bodies through the door.
::: Those cars aren’t going to sell themselves, now are they?!? ::: 

“I like to say we’re blessed but we’re not breaking any sales records, so maybe we’re just blessed to be in business.”

Jesus Saves …

SOURCE
DOOR PHOTO: Lance Aram Rothstein – St. Petersburg Times

February 7, 2009 at 4:11 pm 24 comments

He really IS everywhere!


I know you can have Christ between your thighs.
I’ve heard of finding The Chosen One at the bottom of a bottle of Cuervo.
I can’t imagine a touchdown without a JC shoutout in the endzone!
He’s even the headliner at murder trials, parole hearings and bond negotiations nationwide!

… but finding Jesus on the floor???

Well, let’s just say that  shocks me to my very sole.

jesustile1But Antonia Baker —–>
says she first saw the messiah in the floor of her Nevada home
three years ago during …
::: … wait for it :::

… the Christmas season
::: OF COURSE!!! :::

… while she was recovering from surgery for
::: … wait for it :::

an EYE injury!
::: mmm hmmm! :::

jesustileHer doctors told her to keep her head down because it would allow her retina to heal.
She wasn’t allowed to read or use the computer, so she spent three solid weeks STARING AT THE FLOOR!
::: no word on who told her to install the fug faux-marble tiles or keep a piano in her cupboard, but whatever … bitch saw Christ, ‘kay? ::

That’s the actual tile up there – where you can spot the Son of God for your very own self!!!

Now, me? Am I surprised to hear that Jesus jumps out at geriatrics who eyeball their floor for 21 days?
HELL NO!
*oops, sorry Jesus!!*
GOSH NO!

I once stared at a piece of screening spline so long that I swear it wiggled one end, sprouted a pair of googly eyes and winked at me before running away screaming something about evil Jell-O.

No shit! It ran away, which, as you know is pretty fucking remarkable seeing as how screening spline doesn’t have any legs!

… ahh post-surgery Percodan …

SOURCE
Photos: Antonia Baker

January 2, 2009 at 10:11 pm 10 comments

It’s the little things …


I believe in karma.

I believe in karma a LOT.

I take a certain amount of grief for my belief in the karmic ways of the universe … then something like this happens and I get to enjoy seeing that certain little twinkle of recognition in another person’s eyes, which makes me get all tingly inside because, well, that’s what a ‘fuck you’ moment does to me.

And, well, right now is one of those moments.
Right now there’s a dick in my Fantasy Football league having a pretty bad day.

A dick who gave me a mountain of public crap earlier in the season over a trade deal with another team … 
A dick who gave me a mountain of public crap earlier in the season over a trade deal approved by our league’s commissioner.
Ahh, but a trade deal he didn’t like, nonetheless, primarily because he didn’t think to make the offer first and it would have benefitted another team (as trades generally do, idge).
::: bew hew, cry to your mamma. This is football, biatch! :::

And so today I sit here seeing that he is one game away from clinching a playoff berth in a week where play began days ago, making pickups/trades/add-drops impossible … and so the dick in my Fantasy Football league must make it through the last week of regular fantasy play minus his star wide receiver and hope for the best.

Sucks to be YOU, ‘beast’!

November 29, 2008 at 8:32 pm

As luck would have it …


Hey hey Barry-baby – Is that a big ol’ wad o’ lucky charms in your pocket or are you just supah-dupah happy to see me?

Oh.

Damn.
They are good luck charms.
*sniff*

S’okay … it’s just another sign that this hot, electoral thang we’ve got going is meant to be.

SUPERSTITION — it’s the tie that binds!

O’Beautiful admitted he’s getttin’ his good booga booga on by carrying around the trinkets supporters have handed him at campaign appearances — including a lucky poker chip and a Native American eagle.

I guess he keeps the thong and lock of my hair I mailed to campaign HQ in his ‘other’ special place.
Sweet!

Next time I’m totally sending him a hand-crafted Hamsa to protect against Cindy Lou Who’s Dead-On-The-Inside Evil Eye of Doom!!!

June 24, 2008 at 12:52 pm 2 comments

Jesus Saves


Jesus At WorkWell, at least according to these two pilots from New Zealand who ran out of fuel in their microlight airplane during flight.

With their home-made plane’s engine sputtering convulsively, they didn’t freak out, point fingers or question why no one made sure the craft had an appropriate level of fuel for their journey. No, no … they did what all experienced, Christian avaiators do in moments of crisis:
They buckled knuckles and gave mad props to the big guy upstairs.

::: God? If you save me from a painful and fiery death, I PROMISE I’ll be a first-pew every Sunday guy from now on!!!! :::

… and the fine finger of God appeared and guided them to a safe landing in a field … right next to a sign reading, “Jesus is Lord.”

God’s not into irony, he just wants some friggin’ credit!

“When we saw that [sign], we started laughing,” pilot Grant Stubbs said.

And God got pissed and smote him for his insolence.

HAHAHA — I kid …

… but he could have.

May 22, 2008 at 4:57 pm 2 comments



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