Posts tagged ‘beauty’

R.I.P Farrah


Just … damn

SOURCE

June 25, 2009 at 5:24 pm

THIS bitch …


 glasshouse1SOURCE

May 6, 2009 at 1:02 pm 1 comment

MOTY Nominee


Pam Anderson brings the trash to art showBehold the exquisiteness, the radiance, the utter refinement and total class that is modern day Venus, Pamela Anderson.

I seriously think I may need a Tetanus shot after being in the same general geographic region as the human stain, who inexplicably lost her pants on the way to Art Basel Miami Beach this weekend.
::: wetnap anyone? :::

Now, Art Basel Miami Beach is widely regarded as the most important art show  in the United States, which means it is, quite simply, the goddamned cultural and social highlight for the Americas … so you know crusty, dried up, D-Listers aren’t high on the list of invitees.

Nah, Miami's erotic art museumI bet that bitch spent the afternoon throwing hepatitis caution to the wind and getting drunk at the only museum in town that would allow her skank ass in —————->
and was all ‘Arrt iz k’hewl! Whutthhufuchkkk! Lezzz g’ho-en krasshhh urt baz’l!”

Her kids must be so proud.

December 8, 2008 at 3:36 pm 17 comments

Jessica Simpson is pregnant … in the lips


26459PCN_JessicaWhat in lard-lipped puckery pigfat hell happened to Jessica Simpson’s face?!?

Looks like someone got a little too cozy with the collagen … either that or she tried to suck off an entire hive of bees, which I would have paid good money to see and all … but, then again, I’d also pay good money to see drunk babies rollerskate … so, you know, you can’t go by me.

SOURCE

November 19, 2008 at 1:33 pm

Financial hardship is a hairy situation


America is morphing into a nation of fuglies!

I’m not talking the temporary-for-Halloween costume fug …  I’m talking permanent-for-REAL-fug!
And I didn’t just come to this realization after some recent (and very unfortunate) time spent staring at offending mom jeansers in CVS yesterday as I tried to snag last-minute Halloween candy bargains.

No no — it’s a fact!
America is going fug.
::: frealz! :::

Proof: L’Oreal.

The cosmetics giant shelled out big bucks on ad spending last quarter looking for big gains — but it was all for naught.

The vanity industry, it seems, is locked in the economic deathgrip that’s already claimed the auto industry, the banking industry, the housing industry, the travel industry and more every day. Consequently, L’Oreal found itself posting some pretty weak third quarter numbers – including a 5.7% decline in organic sales in North America.

And L’Oreal blames their sagging solvency on me — oh and YOU too, Mrs., Miss and Ms. America!

WE, they say, are to blame because of the “sharp drop in salon visits” WE made in North America last quarter.
::: Well, hey — if I have to choose between my hootch and my hair color — I think we all know where The Cookie’s money is going!! Am I right, ladies?!? Am I right?!? :::

OUR lack of salon patronage was the only point of weakness in North America the company discussed – but OUR lack of follicle-enhancing finances isn’t just killing L’Oreal.
Oh no – OUR poverty is a problem for L’Oreal’s competitors, too.
::: good thing misery loves company :::

According to Cyrus Bulsara, principal in Professional Consultants & Resources, “The average used to be every five to six weeks,” for hair coloring visits. “Now, women are waiting every six to eight weeks to have coloring done.” Everybody’s hurting.

So what’s the message here?
America: Your killing the economy! STOP BEING POOR and get your hair did already?

Nice reverse psychology try there, cosmetics conglomerators!
Like blaming your problems on my penniless ass – THEN trying to make me feel guilty about it is gonna
do anything except make me spend even more of my weave money on wine?!?
::: don’t you know me?!? :::

HAHAHAHAHA – that’s a knee-slapper for sure! HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!

Oh damn — I laughed so hard I cried off part of my $9 Non-Waterproof, Hypoallergenic Telescopic Mascara!!!

October 31, 2008 at 5:34 pm 1 comment

CZJ enters the Bronze Age


What in the pimply fake bake hell is going on with Catherine Zeta-Jones’ face?!?
Bitch’s skin is all kinds of busted!

CZJ and Michael “The Crypt Keeper” Douglas were at the Global Leadership Awards Gala in New York City Wednesday night and, evidently, she thought it was a costume party … a Halloween costume party because she came made up as ‘Clown Catherine of the Land of Giant Pore’.

The only saving grace is that the shine coming off her skin is so intense it could actually temporarily blind innocent onlookers.
::: look away :::

Well, we hope it did.
::: look awaaayyyy!!!!! :::

October 2, 2008 at 8:51 pm 1 comment

Some advice for John McCain


Barack Obama is a lot younger than John McCain

Anyone but me see the potential for a Nixon-Kennedy type age/charisma/sweaty old man thing shaping up here?

Hey there Big Mac, you may be one sexy old beeyatch but get a damn makeover already!!

Seriously.

— The ruddiness of your geriatric paperskin makes your teeth look yellow. Bleach those Chiclets, will ya?
— Pluck or dye those scarybrows
— Tuck in the turkey-waddle
— And lose the combover, ‘kay? There’s nothin’ goin’ on up there. It’s ok. We know … you’re bald.

Take your Maverick Beef and go consult the expert maintaining physical stasis for more precise directions.
No – not Dick Clark! The old C-word herself — your wife, Cindy Lou, you silly!

Make an appointment and get your hot cross buns to a spa.
Git R Done, peepaw!

Trust me — you can benchpress a gozillion pounds on national teevee, armwrestle Schwarzenegger, swim the English Channel and Bungee jump the Empire State Building — but the moment you stand next to Barry the Beautiful you will look like America’s great uncle Nestor — the smelly old guy you prayed wouldn’t stand next to you in every family photo.
Ahh yes, Uncle Nestor — the geezer with the cold, shaky, age-spotted hands who remembers being the first family on his street to have a telephone, smiles sweetly when talking about penny candy and ‘talkies’ and falls asleep ten minutes after Sunday dinner (which is served in the afternoon).

You wanna be that guy?

June 4, 2008 at 6:13 pm 15 comments

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