Posts tagged ‘basketball’

Why Cleveland, WHY?!

Are there truly no more great ideas?
Have all the creative PR stunts been tried?
Is atoricity the new aim?

Frealz, Cleveland!
You have a golden opportunity to do something great, to be legendary, to make history … and you go with The Fuggie?!?

But you did — at Snuggie Night at The Q on Friday, where every person who walked into Quicken Loans Arena received a free maroon Fuggie to create a new Guinness World Record for most fleece blankets of one color in one place: 20,562.

At least one Detroit fan brought his own blue fug rug with the Pistons logo on it, while a few Fuggie haters HEROES refused to participate and sat defiantly in what I am absolutely positive were the most awesomely amazing street clothes ever worn by any person in the history of mankind. EVER!

Guinness adjudicator Danny Girton verified the new fleece blanket record in the first quarter, and praised the Cavaliers’ original idea dumbass fuckery.

“Anybody, anywhere at any time can attempt a Guinness World Record at any time and become a world hero in their own right,” Girton said.

Yes – they can!
And there are a LOT better records out there than outfitting yourselves in the most awfult ensemble in the known universe, Clevelanders!!!

Like Radhakant Bajpai of Naya Ganj, Uttar Pradesh, India who the gods blessed with the longest, most lavish ear hair!
<— Look at that hotness!
C’mon guys – you’re CLEVELAND, for crying out loud! Surely there’s some mullethead in your midst who can top that?!

Or Gary Stewart who rode the clouds and created a legacy when he claimed the record for the longest pogo jumping record in all of the entire earthly realm!!
You guys can’t find some clodhopper west of the Cuyahoga jump rope or blow bubbles for a couple of days?!

And France’s own (now dead but for other reasons) Michel Lotito, who holds the coveted Guinness record for weirdest diet for eating nothing but metal and glass from 1959 until his death in 2007. Since 1966, dude ate 18 bicycles, 15 grocery carts, seven TV sets, six chandeliers, two beds, a pair of skis, a low-calorie Cessna light aircraft and a computer.
He is said to have provided the only example in history of a coffin (handles and all) ending up inside a man. By October 1997, he had eaten nearly nine tons of metal!!!

Metal Health’ll cure your crazy
Metal Health’ll cure your mad
Metal Health is what we all need
It’s what you have to have

Oh yeah, Clevelanders!
That mangia may not be as tasty as pierogis or Polish Boys but ya gotta admit THAT’S the kind of go gettery that earns you the kind of universal adulation befitting a Guinness title!!!

Or this one. ūüėČ

But a multithousand menagerie of misfits masquerading as men (women and children) of action when all they did was get snugged up in a fug rug just 100% totally misses the mark of true merit in my book.

Eh, but kudos or nice try or whatever and all.


March 8, 2010 at 11:01 am 4 comments


A week ago, Covenant Academy’s girl’s basketball team¬†put an embarassing¬†100-0 bully beatdown on hapless Dallas Academy.¬†
Despite the score,¬†the Dallas coach said the game was¬†win for his girls ‘because they never gave up’.
Awwwwsome, dude!

And that should have been that!

But then¬†the media began getting reports of¬†unsportsmanlike conduct on Covenant’s part, which forced¬†school administrators to publicly condemn¬†such behavior¬†on their school’s website.

And that really should have been that!

But¬†then their giant meatbag of a coach -who apparently didn’t see¬†things¬†the same way and just couldn’t find the discipline [imagine that] to¬†keep his yap shut – emailed the local rag a bunch of blah blah about how¬†running up the score on a team who hasn’t won a game in¬†four seasons is, like, way honorable and¬†exemplifies¬†totally quality sportsmanship and shit.

So Covenant got all firey on his ass.

And that really Really should have been that!

But now the basketball biatches from Covenant¬†are making¬†a bid to get their 15 minutes extended by announcing that they’re ‘trying to do the right thing’ [a week after the fact] by asking for a forfeit and gettin’ their public¬†‘woops – our bad’ on over their truly inexcusable margin of victory.


What’s it gonna take?

Just go on The View and hug it out already – and then pinky swear that this is the absolute LAST we have to hear about it for, like, EVER!!!

Pretty pretty please with sweet sweet sugar and a nice plump cherry on top?!?!?

January 28, 2009 at 10:31 pm 2 comments

Look at this mess!!!

What in the holy frijole, people?!?
I go away for five minutes and all hell breaks loose!

  • The National Enquirer put Bat Boy on the back burner and bitchslapped the MSM with their John Edwards baby daddy drama scoopapalooza.
  • Xenu called Issac Hayes back to the mothership and St. Peter dealt Bernie Mac a bad hand.
  • Russia got its bully on against Georgia — because bombing is WAY more fun than a Facebook superpoke.
  • The¬†Beijing smog¬†did the unthinkable …¬†Chinese officials got all hell-naw about the fug but embraced new math for the ‘women’s’ gymnastics team … Spanish ballers and a Swedish spoil sport¬†tied for the gold in International Dumbass …
  • Pakistan’s prez is totally¬† quitting… no he’s not … yes he is
  • WFAN answered the all-important Baha Men question.
  • Brett Favre unPacked.
  • ¬†

    I am SOOOOO getting a babysitter next time I leave the house¬†because you kids can’t be trusted to act right when I’m gone!

    August 15, 2008 at 1:50 pm 1 comment

    This is the shit you bitches are reading

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