Posts tagged ‘author’

Meghan McCain: Dating Martyr

Big Mac ruined EVERYTHING!

First he fucked up what could have been the absolute best ménage à troi in political history.
::: idiot! :::

Then his rabid race-baiting followers grossed voters out even more than his geezer locks and lemony Chiclets.
::: 5 words peepaw: Elizabeth Arden Red Door Spa :::

AND NOW his losery loserness has just wreaked utter havoc on daughter Meghan’s love life!
::: nice going, DAD!!! :::

“Of all the things people warned would happen post-election, no one ever said anything about how complicated dating would become,” the lonely ‘ho boo hooed in a blog post for The Daily Beast.
::: … someone needs John Edwards’ cell number – STAT … :::

“There are things that have been difficult, but nothing quite as tough as dating. I fear the election has destroyed my ability and desire to date.”
::: So you had to take one for the team … MAN UP!! ::: 

Miserable Megs also moaned about not going on a single date – NOT A SINGLE ONE! – during the whole and entire presidential campaign.
Bitch was just too busy to get bizzay.

But now that her dad’s put the old Straight Talk Express in park, Meghan’s ready to get her groove on!
Only she can’t.
‘Cuzza dad.

“Once I went out with a guy who said the food I had ordered was a “maverick choice” and proceeded to tell me, “Wow, straight talking must run in the family.”
::: Important Tip: eHarmony doesn’t screen out McCainiacs :::

Then there was that psycho fan of her mother, Cindy McCain, who recently told her she could be “his Cindy,” and asked if she ever wore pearls like her mother.

“Any guy that has a fetish for older women in pantsuits [Hillary] and large pearls [Barbara Bush] obviously only finds my last name attractive about me,” she wrote.
::: It really is your best feature, honey :::

“I am sure I am not being fair to all the men out there, but my recent experiences have left me scarred and wary of dating. At this point, my biggest aphrodisiac is an apathetic attitude toward politics.”

Allow me to introduce you to the perfect contestants for your dating game:
DMX … and Fiddy

Problem Solved.
Case Closed.
Now STFU and go gitcha swerve on, girl!


March 3, 2009 at 4:39 pm 24 comments

RIP John Updike


January 27, 2009 at 8:09 pm 4 comments

I mind that he did

What is it about The View that makes people pimping their books lose their damned minds and blab all their nasty, private, potentially criminal business to the entire free world?
::: Hasselbiatch :::

Perma-Jaundiced George Hamilton appeared on the chatfest to hype his memoirs ‘Don’t Mind If I Do’ when he confessed to the planet via the unholy tribunal that he was raped by his 28-year-old stepmother, June Howard, when he was 12 … ‘cept tomatohead didn’t phrase it quite that way.

When I was 12 I had a relationship with my stepmother… It was very normal. She didn’t make me feel bad about it. It wasn’t dirty,” he blabbed. “Was I molested? Damn, I’m down for it again,’ he said, laughing like a moron who suddenly realizes he said a bunch more words than he might should have and now he’s got some ‘splainin’ to do!

As the story goes, Georgie boy was living his dear ol’ divorced dad and his stepwhore in New York when the whole nasty mess began.

“One rainy day, when dad was at work, I was lying on the daybed in the living room where I had been sleeping,’ he writes in the book. “June, in an ice-blue peignoir, came over to join me. She didn’t say anything. She just lay down beside me for a while, then mentioned something about “cuddling”. What followed was as natural as the birds and bees neither of my parents had gotten around to telling me about.

“From my point of view it wasn’t something so crazy  –  I don’t think it warped me in my life.”
::: uuuhhh huuuhhhhh ::: 

No warpage at all! In Hammy’s world statutory rape is natural – de rigeur, if you will.
Ladies pushin’ 30 gettin’ their groove on with middle school lads — yep — totally normal.

But hey, I’ve heard you can’t rape the willing, so maybe he’s onto something there, I don’t know. But what I do know is — I DON’T WANT TO KNOW ABOUT THIS SHIT, GEORGE!!!!!

Once you know something like this, you can’t un-know it! It’s like info-herpes — once you have it, it’s always there …

Seriously dude – you were funny as the wacky, out-of-touch plastic surgeon in Doc Hollywood and I think you’re mildly appealing in those baked chip commercials where you poke fun at your own sun-dried-tomato-yness.
You have matured into a somewhat nifty piece of comic relief of the totally non-sexual nature. Throwing your peen back into the mix now, when you’re like 1,000 years old is just breach of contract!

Know your role, peepaw!

Good grief! I have barely healed the deep (DEEP) emotional scars suffered after watching Barbara Walters’ desperate attempt to stay relevant by broadcasting tales of a thirty-year-old bi-racial booty call with a married US Senator and now I have to deal with this mess?!?

I can’t tell you how much time and money I had to devote to serious freebasing and heavy drinking therapy just to get the awful, horrible, vomitous image of Babs’ kneeknockers jigglin’ all over hell and creation while she bumped fuglies with this Edward Bro … OH FUCK — I CAN STILL SEE IT!!!

Thanks a lot, George!


October 20, 2008 at 10:41 am


Barbara WaltersIn what I can only  assume is either a white-trash marketing ploy to hawk her new book or a desperate attempt to stay socially (if not politically) relevant, aging gasbag Barbara Walters is whorin’ herself out all over town and blabblin’ all her bidness!!

During a segment on today’s ‘Oprah Winfrey Show’, Babba Wawa revealed she had an affair in the 1970s with married US Senator Edward Brooke (R-Mass.).

But why, exactly, is a thirty-year-old booty call news now?

Party line:
1. Walters is the most famous successful woman in broadcasting. (Prior to selling out hosting the empty chatfest we know as ‘The View’, she practiced actual journalism from time to time.)
2. Brooke was the first elected African American since Reconstruction and he was married at the time of their tryst.

Real deal:
1. Walters is a smug, uppity white woman who likes to look down on the little people from her television pulpit while dismissing them at the same time with a wave of her perfectly manicured hand has a book to sell. She’s boring, self-righteous and completely disconnected from ‘real’ working human types so she knows she’s got to sex-ploit the hell outta this shit in order to make some coin off this tome.
2. The ‘revelation’ was made during the May Sweeps period before the Exalted Altar of Oprah (along with other craptastic television moments like  David Blaine’s idiot breath-holding nonsense and Tom Cruise’s luuurv hemhorrage).
3. There’s this black guy named Barry who’s all tryin’ to be president and stuff and Babs is all ‘Oooo, Ooooo, I know about black people. I even fucked one for a while. Listen to me! Watch my show! Read my book!!! I STILL MATTER!!!

You know, I don’t know what’s more disgusting …
1. The thought of that dried up, wrinkly old broad doin’ the nasty and bumpin’ uglies with anyone
2. That no one respects even their OWN privacy anymore

Wait, yeah I do …

May 2, 2008 at 4:48 pm 11 comments

This is the shit you bitches are reading

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