Posts tagged ‘australia’

Melonious Assault!

Australia should give Jana Rawlinson every Olympic gold medal in every sport they have ever played in every Olympic Games ever held as well as the keys to the entire fucking country and, well, just put her up there on top of all things Down Under right this very second because no one loves Australia more than her!!!

No one!!!!!

See, Jana’s an Olympic hurdler and, as female athletes go, she wasn’t exactly raw motorboatin’ material, if you know what I’m sayin’ …
So Jana tweaked the twins for a fully femme physique buuuuutt — hindsight being 20/20 and all — ended up gettin’ all second-thoughty about it.

“Every time I raced I panicked about whether I was letting my country down, all for my own vanity.”

She was panicked, people … for her country!

“I absolutely loved having bigger boobs, but I don’t want to short-change Australia either.”

In case you missed the geography lesson – for patriots like Jana, that is the precise location where Rock and Hard Place intersect.

“I want to feel the most athletic I can, to know that I’m standing on the track in London (at the 2012 Olympics) the fittest I can be.”

So what did homegirl do?
She spent $13,000 on two operations over the past 14 months to bring her bod back to 13-year-old boy shape.

The bitch bagged her breastesesssss!!!!
“Yep, I’m back to being flat as a pancake,” she said.

Game. Set. Match!
I mean, unless they’re leaking toxins, causing cancer or are two wholly different sizes — ANY time a woman willingly expels her own implants is serious — but when she does it for her country?!? Well, that is serious to infinity!!

She cut out her chi chi’s … for her country!!!!!!!

I say she doesn’t even have to compete!
Just crown her queen of all Olympics EVER right the fuck now!!!!!




January 5, 2010 at 11:31 am 5 comments

This aggression will not stand, man!

wpowerThe whores are 20 kinds of pissed and they’re not gonna take your crap anymore, Australia!

The professional booty-callers of New South Wales (where pay to play is purrrfectly legal) are so angry about the cost of advertising in local papers that they’re planning to celebrate International Whores Day today in true streetwalker style — with a floozy uprising right outside the NSW Parliament House!

“Why am I charged hundreds of dollars to advertise in local papers when other trade occupations are charged less than $100?” lovely minx Ivy McIntosh wants to know.
::: It’s a good question, fellas … :::

“Sex work is legal in NSW. I’m paying too much for a measly two inches.”

Oh I feel you, girlfriend!
If I had a nickel for every time I paid too much for a measly two inches!!!
Hooboy …

wprotestBut in all seriousness – I echo their outcry.
I mean, Plumber? Pro? What’s the diff? Someone’s gettin’ his pipes cleaned either way!
Fair is fair evil media overlords!!!!

I may even have to start a letter-writing campaing on this one … well, ok … maybe not so much for the whores Down Under as for the ones here.

I mean, don’t the sluts, trollops and skanks of America deserve to take part in these boss ‘International’ holidays?!?
I think we they do.
I think we’ve they’ve earned it.

HEY LOOKIE! I wrote a post about sex and didn’t use ‘fuck’ once! YAY ME … oh … wait …


June 2, 2009 at 1:52 pm 3 comments

(Un)dress Code FAIL

The nudists in Queensland, Australia are A-OK with you having fun sunning your buns, they won’t laugh when your manhood lets everyone now the pool is too cold and goodness knows they love a little beach jigglyball now and then.

But make no mistake, my friends.
They are not a clothing-optional crowd and they have no problem kicking a bitch OUT for balking at being in the buff.
::: rules are rules ::: 

Which one particularly uncooperative couple found out this week during part of the nudist-friendly White Cockatoo resort’s month-long swingers’ romp.
::: OOooo – I know where I’m going on VAKAY!!!! :::

article-1159659-03c143c1000005dc-353_468x321Attired attendees John Harrison and his wife, Lyn ————–>
were basically told to get theeee fuck out after Sir Blimpy and his babe refused to introduce  ol’ Frank and Beans and the Twins to the other guests.
::: … sounds like someone just likes to WATCH … :::

Chubsalot told the press he was having a conversation with resort owner Tony Fox (nudey dudey waving above) and three women (also nakey) when Fox “turned to me out of the blue and said, ‘Why are you dressed?'”
::: Well, you WERE at a nudist camp … :::

He says Cock-or-two management then called him a dickhead.
::: You would have preferred dick-weed, perhaps? :::

“The fact that he was dressed was only part of the picture,” Fox said, adding he felt big John was being “disrespectful” and acting in a  “lecherous manner” toward other guests.
::: Ruh roh – sounds like Johnny got his touch on … :::

This situation ended about as smoothly as Sir Loin’s backside when police were called in to escort the problematic porcine pair from the resort.

“I only asked him to show a bit of respect,” Fox said.

hehe – not exactly



March 6, 2009 at 6:26 pm 2 comments

Hot Stuff

I have to apologize because I know this is a couple of days old and I’m sure I missed it because of my one-night stand with the Library of Congress and all but …



Australian firefighter David Tree gives an injured koala a sip of water.


The koala, a female that animal rescuers think is between 2 and 4 years old, is now called Sam.  She suffered second-degree burns to her paws as a result of Australia’s wildfires and it’s thought that she’ll be fully healed in seven to eight months.


Tree, a 26-year smoke jumper told the Reuters news agency:
“You can see how she stops and moves forward and looks at me. It was like a look saying, ‘I can’t run, I’m weak and sore, put me out of my misery’  …
“I yelled out for some water and I sat down with her and tipped the water up. It was in my hand and she reached for the bottle, then put her right claw into my left hand which was cold so it must have given her some pain relief and she just left it there. It was just amazing.” 

Yes, it is — and so are you, you hot slice of (Pete Carroll-looking) kindhearted koala-loving manmeat!

If you don’t feel you’ve been properly thanked for you hard work and sacrifice and overall general awesomeness in the face of such a huge and horrific national disaster … talk to me baby
::: hot Hot HOT!!! ::: 

I know we’re all busy losing our jobs and being foreclosed on and standing in breadlines while we wait for Congress to do something unlikely beneficially congressy in this New Great Depression and all … but just in case anyone finds any change under the couch cushions and wants to get their mitzvah on …

The Red Cross of Australia
Wildlife Victoria
RSPCA Victoria
The Salvation Army of Australia

February 13, 2009 at 11:31 am 6 comments

Umm … if you don’t hear from me for a while …

Are you kidding me?

Are you fucking kidding me?!?

Sign my ass nine thousand kinds of UP!

The government of Queensland, Australia is offering what it calls “the best job in the world” — earning a top salary for lazing around a beautiful tropical island for six months.
::: I could do that! ::: 

captphoto_1231816541838-1-0The job pays 105,000 US dollars and includes free airfares from the winner’s home country to Hamilton Island on the Great Barrier Reef.
::: I could take that! :::  

In return, the “island caretaker” will be expected to stroll the white sands, snorkel the reef, take care of “a few minor tasks” — and report to a global audience via weekly blogs, photo diaries and video updates. The person will stay rent-free in a three-bedroom beach home complete with plunge pool and golf buggy, must be a good swimmer, excellent communicator and be able to speak and write English.
::: I am sooo qualified!! ::: 

Queensland Tourism Minister Desley Boyle said some people might question whether it was risky to let an unknown person become an unofficial tourism spokesperson for the state.

“I think the biggest risk will be that the successful candidate won’t want to go home at the end of the six months,” she said. “This is a legitimate job which is open to anyone and everyone.”

BBRB … gotta update the rez!

Photo: AFP

January 13, 2009 at 11:24 am 13 comments

Holiday Humbug

Some dumb bitch in Panama City has gotten her EEOC-complaint on because she says she was fired from her job for refusing to answer the phone by saying ‘Happy Holidays’ as opposed to ‘Merry Christmas’.

The Rundown:
Tonia Thomas says the phrase ‘Happy Holidays’ contributes to the secularization of Christmas. The Orlando-based Liberty Counsel, which advocates for people discriminated against because of religion, is representing her.
– Her former employer, Counts Oakes Resort Properties, called bullshit on her defense and says she was fired for other reasons.
– The EEOC hasn’t said squat … yet

Cookie’s Comeback:
I’d like to suggest that Ms. Thomas remove her head from her ass long enough to remember that her job was to book vacation rentals in Florida … and the last time I checked, folks from all over the world were free to get their Sunshine State vakay on.

That means people who don’t live within a 10-mile radius of the property rental office who may be of different cultural or religious heritage but still want to catch a gnarly wave or bake their buns in the South Florida Sun will occasionally be calling with inquiries of how best to hand over their discretionary income in exchange for a beachfront condo …

‘Kay, girlfriend?
This world is a smallishly big place where many people observe or celebrate something other than (or in addition to) Christmas this time of year.
::: Free your mind and the rest will follow … :::

With head firmly out of ass, Ms. Thomas should find it much easier to see this great big beautiful world (and her country, state and city) in terms greater than her own self-indulgent, egocentric personhood.

In this last month every year in the world of more than Tonia Thomas’ me-me-me-ness, people gather together in celebration of several important secular and religous events that don’t go by the name Christmas but are every bit as important to the folks who observe them.

Bottom line:
I can’t speak for everyone (although I’d like to!) but I can say that – taking into account that I do not live in my own little universe – I have zero issue with extending a generic but nonetheless heartfelt wish for universal happiness and well-being to those who’s company I am fortunate enough to keep in the month of December.

So let’s go ahead and give Tonia Thomas a tiara because she has earned the dubious distinction of being my ‘Dumbass Bitch of the Season’ as well as the year-round title of official ‘Redneck Riviera Retard’ for her ability to throw caution and common sense to the winds while adopting an absolutely mindnumbingly myopic and ill-advised moral stance over what is, in essense, one of the most extremely non-pressing non-important non-issue issues of our time.

Take a bow, Tonia. Take a bow.


And, just in case anyone was wondering about those December dates …

A seven-day celebration of African family, culture and community, Kwanzaa is not a religious celebration but rather a cultural one which begins December 26 and runs through January 1.

Boxing Day
A public holiday also observed on December 26 by folks in the United Kingdom, Canada, New Zealand Australia and countries in the Commonwealth of Nations.
Historically, the tradition of Boxing Day calls for the giving of presents to the poor.
::: Those after-Christmas deep discounts really come in handy! :::

This year, the Jewish holiday began at sundown on Sunday, December 22. Although it’s not a ‘High Hoy Day’, the Hanukkah is still one of the most widely recognized religious celebrations in the world.
Because the holiday is fixed on the Hebrew calendar as the 25th day of Kislev (for those playing along at home) it varies on the Gregorian calendar used by the rest of the world.
As a result, Hanukkah can fall anywhere from late November to late December which means that it often crosses paths (and sometimes downright overlaps) Christmas on the ol’ calendar.

Saint Nicholas Day
On December 6, folks in Northern Europe use Saint Nicholas Day to educate children that jolly old St. Nick wasn’t always just some gluttonous elf who rides around giving PlayStations and Wiis and iPods to privileged little boys and girls one night each year.
Instead they recognize Saint Nicholas’s great kindness and generous aid to those in distress.
Traditional celebrations of this day include gifts left in children’s shoes (the origin of our American Christmas stockings). Good children receive treats – candies, cookies, apples and nuts, while naughty children receive switches or lumps of coal.

Observed on December 8, this Muslim holiday commemorates the willingness of Ibrahim to sacrifice his son Ishmael as an act of obedience to God.

Fiesta of Our Lady of Guadalupe
Observed every December 12, Fiesta of Our Lady of Guadalupe
is one of the most important dates on the Mexican calendar. It’s a time of great sacrifice and jubilation when thousands of the faithful from around the country make a pilgrimage to the Basílica of Guadalupe, in Mexico City, where the miraculous image of la Virgen Morena is kept.


December 23, 2008 at 9:44 pm 4 comments

Kidman, Urban won’t sell Sunday Rose

Completely thumbing her Botoxed nose at the time-tested Hollywood practice of baby trafficking, Kreepee Kidman has decided not to whore out pics of her newborn daughter to the highest bidder.
::: And just what makes Little Miss Fancy Pants so special?!? :::

According to The Sydney Morning Herald, Kreepee and Keith Urban “have rejected deals worth millions of dollars for first pictures of their newborn daughter Sunday … [and] have yet to decide whether to release a photograph officially”. If they do, a source says, it will be free.

Can they really do that?!?
::: No really — can they DO that? :::

There is precedent here! And any person who has logged more than 12 hours of Law & Order knows that precedent is, like, serious and stuff which means it MUST be adhered to at all times!!
Otherwise it’s just anarchy and the whole system could come crumbling down around us at any moment!!!!!

Someone needs to school this bitch on how it’s done.

  • J-Ho and Skeletor pocketed a cool $6 million from People magazine for pictures of twins Max and Emme.
  • Angelina and Brad sold Shiloh’s sweet face for a reported $4.1 million (which doesn’t include the $3.5 million that Hello! reportedly coughed up for the British rights to the pictorial).
  • She Of The Magic Womb also sold her adopted son Pax out for $2 million!
    ::: Oh sure, the do-gooders gave their money to charity and all, but that’s not the point, people!! PRECEDENT: Set – Follow!!!! :::
  • I mean – damn!
    Even snaps of the wonkey-eyed Danielynn (daughter of every-drug’s-best-friend Anna Nicole Smith) brought in a couple mil! 

    I can only think of one reason we haven’t seen little Sunday Rose yet … think maybe she’s got her daddy’s (natural) smile?

    Oh who cares!
    The list of A through Z list celebs who can’t WAIT to pimp their newborns for gas money is long and varied. From Louisiana teen ho Jamie Lynn to Frankenboob Aguilera to Mmmmmmmatthew MmmmmmmmcConaughey — everyone is doing it. NO ONE is exempt!

    Baptise that baby in the harsh glare of the camera lens already!

    It’s the law.

    July 15, 2008 at 3:56 pm 5 comments

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