Posts tagged ‘athlete’

{{{{{ SHON! }}}}}

You gave me one of my most recent moments of pure joy when, at 10 in the morning of February 3, you told me you loved me as only a National Signing Day recruit can — by committing to me Auburn for the next several years.

And now I return the love as only an Auburn-obsessed (and therefore everything related to Auburn-obsessed) devotee can — by committing all of my positive energy squarely in your direction and wishing you every ounce of everything good and pure that I possibly can as you battle back to health.

You can do it – we’re all here for you!


March 29, 2010 at 7:39 pm

Melonious Assault!

Australia should give Jana Rawlinson every Olympic gold medal in every sport they have ever played in every Olympic Games ever held as well as the keys to the entire fucking country and, well, just put her up there on top of all things Down Under right this very second because no one loves Australia more than her!!!

No one!!!!!

See, Jana’s an Olympic hurdler and, as female athletes go, she wasn’t exactly raw motorboatin’ material, if you know what I’m sayin’ …
So Jana tweaked the twins for a fully femme physique buuuuutt — hindsight being 20/20 and all — ended up gettin’ all second-thoughty about it.

“Every time I raced I panicked about whether I was letting my country down, all for my own vanity.”

She was panicked, people … for her country!

“I absolutely loved having bigger boobs, but I don’t want to short-change Australia either.”

In case you missed the geography lesson – for patriots like Jana, that is the precise location where Rock and Hard Place intersect.

“I want to feel the most athletic I can, to know that I’m standing on the track in London (at the 2012 Olympics) the fittest I can be.”

So what did homegirl do?
She spent $13,000 on two operations over the past 14 months to bring her bod back to 13-year-old boy shape.

The bitch bagged her breastesesssss!!!!
“Yep, I’m back to being flat as a pancake,” she said.

Game. Set. Match!
I mean, unless they’re leaking toxins, causing cancer or are two wholly different sizes — ANY time a woman willingly expels her own implants is serious — but when she does it for her country?!? Well, that is serious to infinity!!

She cut out her chi chi’s … for her country!!!!!!!

I say she doesn’t even have to compete!
Just crown her queen of all Olympics EVER right the fuck now!!!!!




January 5, 2010 at 11:31 am 5 comments

Don’t worry …

“He’s not trying to be Michael Jackson.”

– Former Cubs employee and Slammin’ Sammy supporter Rebecca Polihronis

Uhhh huh.

“He is going through a rejuvenation process for his skin,” Becky sez.

Uhhh huh.

“Women have it all of the time,” blurted the Beckinator.

We also get the painful but rewarding Brazilian … is he trying that look too?
::: enquiring minds wanna know :::

“He was surprised he came out looking so white,” Reebee reported.

Uhhh huh.

“Part of (the photo appearance) is just the lighting,” the Reebster reasoned.

And here you thought the camera just added 10 pounds …

November 10, 2009 at 10:50 am 1 comment


I’m so excited!! I’m so excited!! I’m so excited!! I’m so excited!! I’m so excited!! I’m so excited!! I’m so excited!!

In just a few SWEET hours my absolute favorite thing in the whole and entire UNIVERSE happens!!!!
::: No, not THAT! 😉 :::


auburn_tigersI mean, ok, despite taking a number one QB (KODI myheartBURNSforyou) and inexplicably making him a second team Wide Receiver (?!?!?!) and putting that awsome hot young thing Tyrik Rollison at third-team QB – behind those fuckers who couldn’t get it done last season – Chris Todd and Neil Caudle (does NOT compute!) – WHATEVER! I don’t care (right now)! Because today it’s all possibilities and sunshininess and glittery rays of promise coming down from the heavens for my beloved AU and NOTHING (right now) will get in the way of the audacious hopification I am vibing (right now)!!!
And, not for nothing, but let’s just hope my guys keep it classy instead of going 20 kinds of dumbass like Oregon’s LeGarette Blount did last night on the Smurf Turf at Boise State.
Dumbfuckery Supreme!!

September 4, 2009 at 10:27 am 5 comments

R.I.P Steve McNair

art.steve.mcnair.giSteve McNair and his girlfriend reportedly shot to death inside her Nashville apartment.



McNair, 36, spent 13 seasons in the NFL, the majority with the Tennessee Titans, before announcing his retirement in April 2008. He spent his last two seasons with Baltimore Ravens and he was the NFL’s co-MVP in 2003.

What in the fuckety FUCK is going on people?!?
Seriously — this is the last motherfucking R.I.P post I want to do for, like, EVER, ok?


July 4, 2009 at 10:13 pm

Grifa grief

Get ready for Michael Phelps’ ‘Splishyboy Apology World Tour of Anguish’!!!

phelps_516_0102_25518aAqualung was caught tokin’ the tube during two days of way hard partying last November with some gold diggers students at the University of South Carolina in Columbia.

I guess he thought it was all good since November is typically “a quiet time in the swimming calendar when athletes would not expect to get tested for drugs.

Well  not so fast, Flipper!
One of those ho’s had a camera and snapped you doing some seriously non-role modely shit.
::: Dude — Celebrity Drug Addict’s Rule #1: Pat ’em down before you bed ’em down … ::: 

I bet his peen was so embarrassed that it called in sick and crawled all the way back inside his body cavity because once his spokesbitch hit him with the knowledge that News Of The World had the photo — faster than you can say ‘Duuuuuude … hehe … wai … whaaaaaat???’ – Bongboy admitted to the ‘regrettable behavior’.

In a statement released to The Associated Press, The Ocho said:
“I engaged in behavior which was regrettable and demonstrated bad judgment. I’m 23 years old and despite the successes I’ve had in the pool, I acted in a youthful and inappropriate way, not in a manner people have come to expect from me. For this, I am sorry. I promise my fans and the public it will not happen again.”

Aww c’mon dude — it’s not like you were doing snowcaps or crazy eddies … riiight?

Don’t worry – I’m sure those endorsements, book deal and mommy’s Chico’s contract will all be juuuust fine.

I mean, it’s not like you’re some lowly working-class fucking commoner – the kind who’d be 45 kinds of deep-shit busted for doing that kind of illegal-type crap with, you know, peeps who are, like, underage and all!

Could you just imagine the totally chaotified pandefuckinmonium that would happen if we held celebritards to those ‘real world’ standards and consequence-type things?!?!?

Noooo – of course you can’t …


February 1, 2009 at 7:00 pm 5 comments

Leave Miss Football Alone!!

photo02The New York Giants are totally hatin’ on Miss Football, y’all!

All Sondra Fortunato did was stuff her ginormous chi chi balls into a small-ish Santa Claus robe-type thing, cram her cootch into a bathing-suit bottom and push her piggies into some sweet-ass hooker heels before making her way to Giant Stadium this weekend — 20 kinds of prepared to cheer on her team.
::: Be a hussy! Be-E a hussy! :::

Instead she got herself 20 kinds of kicked OUT!
::: HARSH! :::

She swears she doesn’t belong on the naughty list — she’s just “well-endowed.”
“You couldn’t even see my underwear.”
::: I hear that happens when you don’t wear any … :::

She figures other women “got jealous and complained.”
::: b-cup bitches be hatin’! ::: 

Ahh, but it was security for the Big Blue Wrecking Crew who weren’t havin’ it.
They escorted her out, telling her to cover that shit UP … for the chirrenz.

Personally, I think the janky ho deserves a medal or a plaque or at least a little stick-on decal for being able to reign in that kind of chesticular fury!
Fun is fun ’till one of those bad boys breaks free and takes out a toddler!

December 16, 2008 at 11:33 am 9 comments

Older Posts

This is the shit you bitches are reading

Creative Commons License
Lifeisacookie is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 3.0 United States License.

%d bloggers like this: