Posts tagged ‘asshole’

Reprinted without permission …

… but doing it anyway because there is SERIOUS TRUTH here people, and every living organism in the entirety of all known galaxies regardless of elliptical or spiral status can should MUST read this, digest it and become one with it.

For the truth shall set you free …

You’re welcome ūüôā

Cue the awesomeness in 3 … 2 …



‚ÄúThey Won‚Äôt Magically Turn You Into A Lustful Cockmonster‚ÄĚ

Chris Kluwe Explains Gay Marriage To The Politician Who Is Offended By An NFL Player Supporting It

Background in a nutshell:
Baltimore Ravens linebacker Brendon Ayanbadejo has spoken out in favor of a Maryland ballot initiative that would legalize gay marriage. Yahoo has published a letter that Maryland state delegate Emmett C. Burns Jr. wrote last week to Ravens owner Steve Bisciotti, urging him to “inhibit such expressions from your employee.” This is Minnesota Vikings punter Chris Kluwe’s response to Burns.

Dear Emmett C. Burns Jr.,

I find it inconceivable that you are an elected official of Maryland’s state government. Your vitriolic hatred and bigotry make me ashamed and disgusted to think that you are in any way responsible for shaping policy at any level. The views you espouse neglect to consider several fundamental key points, which I will outline in great detail (you may want to hire an intern to help you with the longer words):

1. As I suspect you have not read the Constitution, I would like to remind you that the very first, the VERY FIRST Amendment in this founding document deals with the freedom of speech, particularly the abridgment of said freedom. By using your position as an elected official (when referring to your constituents so as to implicitly threaten the Ravens organization) to state that the Ravens should “inhibit such expressions from your employees,” more specifically Brendon Ayanbadejo, not only are you clearly violating the First Amendment, Chris Kluwe is a heroyou also come across as a narcissistic fromunda stain. What on earth would possess you to be so mind-boggingly stupid? It baffles me that a man such as yourself, a man who relies on that same First Amendment to pursue your own religious studies without fear of persecution from the state, could somehow justify stifling another person’s right to speech. To call that hypocritical would be to do a disservice to the word. Mindfucking obscenely hypocritical starts to approach it a little bit.

2. “Many of your fans are opposed to such a view and feel it has no place in a sport that is strictly for pride, entertainment, and excitement.” Holy fucking shitballs. Did you seriously just say that, as someone who’s “deeply involved in government task forces on the legacy of slavery in Maryland”? Have you not heard of Kenny Washington? Jackie Robinson? As recently as 1962 the NFL still had segregation, which was only done away with by brave athletes and coaches daring to speak their mind and do the right thing, and you’re going to say that political views have “no place in a sport”? I can’t even begin to fathom the cognitive dissonance that must be coursing through your rapidly addled mind right now; the mental gymnastics your brain has to tortuously contort itself through to make such a preposterous statement are surely worthy of an Olympic gold medal (the Russian judge gives you a 10 for “beautiful oppressionism”).

3. This is more a personal quibble of mine, but why do you hate freedom? Why do you hate the fact that other people want a chance to live their lives and be happy, even though they may believe in something different than you, or act different than you? How does gay marriage, in any way shape or form, affect your life? If gay marriage becomes legal, are you worried that all of a sudden you’ll start thinking about penis? “Oh shit. Gay marriage just passed. Gotta get me some of that hot dong action!” Will all of your friends suddenly turn gay and refuse to come to your Sunday Ticket grill-outs? (Unlikely, since gay people enjoy watching football too.)

I can assure you that gay people getting married will have zero effect on your life. They won’t come into your house and steal your children. They won’t magically turn you into a lustful cockmonster. They won’t even overthrow the government in an orgy of hedonistic debauchery because all of a sudden they have the same legal rights as the other 90 percent of our population‚ÄĒrights like Social Security benefits, child care tax credits, Family and Medical Leave to take care of loved ones, and COBRA healthcare for spouses and children. You know what having these rights will make gays? Full-fledged American citizens just like everyone else, with the freedom to pursue happiness and all that entails. Do the civil-rights struggles of the past 200 years mean absolutely nothing to you?

In closing, I would like to say that I hope this letter, in some small way, causes you to reflect upon the magnitude of the colossal foot in mouth clusterfuck you so brazenly unleashed on a man whose only crime was speaking out for something he believed in. Best of luck in the next election; I’m fairly certain you might need it.

Chris Kluwe

P.S. I’ve also been vocal as hell about the issue of gay marriage so you can take your “I know of no other NFL player who has done what Mr. Ayanbadejo is doing” and shove it in your close-minded, totally lacking in empathy piehole and choke on it. Asshole.

Chris Kluwe is a punter for the Vikings. Follow him on Twitter, @ChrisWarcraft.


September 10, 2012 at 9:09 pm 1 comment


Cat person or not — crap like this should make you want to immediately stop whatever you’re doing and go coin-diggin’ in the car or couch so you can start a collection or host a telethon or some shit to help these heinous humans BUY A GODDAMNED CLUE!!!!!


Meet the Eskew family of Port St. Lucie, Florida: Jackbag James, Shithead Sheila and Jessica, their dumbass daughter.

These evolutionary-scale throwbacks were arrested on animal cruelty charges after they decided it would be just a big ol’ slice of HELL YEAH to pack up everything for their pending move to North Cackalackee.

And by ‘pack up everything‘ I mean force more than 20 of their furry friends into wooden boxes coffins, nail the lids closed and dump ’em in the neighbor’s yard.


Now — animal cruelty charges are all find and good (actually — it’s the LEAST that should happen to these sick tricks) but I think this troublesome trio should also be charged with whatever criminal thingamabob, trip to detention or mark on their permanent records goes along with depriving the larger community of what couldda been catastically comical!


I mean, have they never had the pleasure of the LOLCATS pussies?
Are they not hip to the trip that is a YouTube kitty vid?!!?!?!


Get with the program inbreeders!
Don’t make me invoke the spirit of Beethoven and come after your retarded asses!!


May 4, 2010 at 3:56 pm 3 comments

Kill Bill (he did)

On Friday, Sen. Jim Bunning, (R-eckless) of Kentucky was the lone nay vote on a measure that would have extended cash and health insurance benefits for the unemployed … the lone nay vote that basically killed the measure.

So, thanks to Bunning, starting today, the jobless can no longer apply for federal unemployment benefits or the COBRA health insurance subsidy.

Way to go you absolute piece of SHIT!

Sen. Jeff Merkley, (D-etermined) of Oregon, quite literally begged Bunghole to change his stance.

Bunning’s response?
“Tough shit.”

Sen. Barbara Boxer, (D-edicated) of California, sent Barfbag a letter asking him to “stand down immediately”, explaining what the rest of us with brains, morals, ethics, a conscience and that little thing I like to call a HEART already know … “Unemployment insurance is a lifeline to the long-term unemployed whose families have been hit very hard by this recession”.

Bunning’s response?
“If we can’t find $10 billion somewhere for a bill that everybody in this body supports, we will never pay for anything,” he said, apparently completely fucking forgetting the $704 BILLION spent so far on the Iraq war – without everybody’s support.

As the fight debate drew to a close, Bunning complained he had been ambushed by the Democrats and was forced to miss the Kentucky-South Carolina basketball game.

Boo fucking hoo.
Tell it to the people getting downsized this week, fucker.

‘Lected yerselves a good ‘un, there, Kentucky!

Bunning’s baseness will affect a couple hundred THOUSAND of the nearly 5.4 million unemployed Americans currently receiving benefits. And, if Congress doesn’t act soon, that number will grow to 400,000 during the first two weeks of March and nearly 3 MILLION by May, according to the Labor Department.

You may want to ask yourself a couple of questions, kids:
How secure is YOUR job?
How secure is YOUR insurance?
::: Yes my precious snowflakes — the two ARE connected! :::

Unemployed Americans can receive up to 99 weeks of unemployment benefits ‚Äď nearly two years ‚Äď which is a record. The last time unemployment was this high, in the early ’80s, the maximum was 55 weeks. That said, in terms of overall economic activity, this downturn looks like it will be the most severe since the Depression.

Which further underscores why Bunning’s actions are a complete and total outrage.

But hey, it’s also an outrage that everyone else in the known universe isn’t raising holy fucking HELL over the actions of a senile old cocksucker who is allowed to singlefuckinghandedly cut off unemployment benefits in the middle of a Fucking RECESSION, all the while bitching about $10 billion … after his dick was one of the ones pissing away a trillionbilliongozillion fucking dollars on the war in Iraq … a war waged even though NO ONE ever had visual confirmation of weapons of mass destruction!!!


Along with extending unemployment payments to laid-off workers and providing them with subsidies to help pay health premiums through the COBRA program, the bill also would have helped prevent looming (21 percent) cuts in Medicare reimbursements to doctors.

Would have.

C’mon Congress — time for action. You’ve come through before and you can do it again … maybe this time with dickweed’s vote?
Call him … explain things … demand it!
I did ūüėČ

March 1, 2010 at 11:14 am 8 comments

Adventures in Piss-Poor Parenting

Old and busted: Grounding your kid for punishment
New hotness: Making your kid murder something for punishment

Well, at least for one mentally-challenged mother in Georgia, it is.

Move over Jo-Jo ‘Tat Mom’ Marsh – there’s a¬†new Queen of the Decidedly Dumbass!

Meet Lynn ‘Do my Crazy, Vacant, Googly Eyes Make Me Look Like A Batshit Crazy Crackah’ Middlebrooks Geter —–>

Lynn’s response to her son’s shitty report card wasn’t sending him to bed with no dinner, taking away his PlayStation or locking up the Webkinz.

Hell to the no!
Lynn’s not down with that tried-and-true shit!
She¬†believes a lesson isn’t¬†truly learned unless a sin’s been duly earned!

And so, for the grievous infraction of failing subtraction [or whatever the hell he came up short on] — Lynn thought the best way to impress upon her son the importance of academic excellence was to hand over a hammer and have him act as hitman on his own hamster.
::: Appropriate Response ULTRAFAIL :::

The day after his mom forced him to kill his beloved pet, Lynn’s ¬†12-year-old soon-to-be-plagued-with-horrific-flashbacks son¬†told his teacher … who reported it to DFCS authorities … who contacted police … who arrested Mommy Muttonhead and charged her with one count each of animal cruelty, child cruelty and battery.
::: Appropriate Response SUCCESS :::

If this is how she supervises schoolwork, can you just imagine how that trick handled potty training!?

* mad props to saratoday for the heads-up on this heinous ho *


January 26, 2010 at 11:53 am 3 comments

Fool me once …

Well, actually no.
He didn’t have ME fooled for one second.

Unfortunately he did fool someone else.
So shame Shame SHAME! on the judge who gave this anti-Semite asshat a break from well-deserved jailtime with ‘credits for time served and good behavior’ after he gave Holocaust survivor, scholar and Nobel Peace Prize winner Elie Wiesel a beatdown in a San Francisco elevator two years ago.

Shame on him, indeed.
Because that sick trick¬†———->
is at it again.

In a lawsuit filed in Broward Circuit Court, Holocaust-denier and all around epic idiot Eric Hunt alleges that the ‘The Fifth Diamond: The Story of Irene Weisberg Zisblatt’ is full of “vicious lies” and “fantastical tales”.

The autobiography recounts how Zisblatt, five siblings and their parents were packed into a boxcar for the trip from Hungary to the extermination camp. Her mother gave the then 13-year-old four diamonds to keep safe. In her book (where she, herself, is the Fifth Diamond) she recounts how she repeatedly swallowed the stones during her time in captivity.

Biggie McBigot was apparently unmoved by her story.

“Zisblatt blatantly stole other Jewish people’s experiences during World War II and passed them off as her own in order to further the Jewish political agenda and profit off of these fantastical tales,” Hunt, who is representing himself without an attorney, wrote in his lawsuit. “The defendants must not go unpunished for tormenting Gentiles and instilling hatred in Jews using such hideous lies.”

Well, FWIW — HER story IS real (and quite moving — buy the book) but ya gotta admit – Hunt does know a thing or two – from personal experience – about lie telling¬†…

Like the big fat one he told at his 2008 sentencing where he shed crocodile tears and apologized and said he only knocked Wiesel around because he’d suffered a “severe mental breakdown” — not because he was a white supremacist shithead or anything.

“I had been sucked into anti-Semitic conspiracy theories on the Internet,” Hunt said at the time. “I don’t believe any of that garbage now that I’m taking my medication.”

Mmm HMMM … well then can someone get this FOOL his pills already so he can go and stay The Fuck AWAY?!?


October 21, 2009 at 10:17 am

Darned SHOOTIN’!

And the award for Most Retarded Display of Selfish Corporate Fuckery goes to …

McDonald’s! – for their patent refusal of Workman’s Compensation benefits to an employee who was shot [at the MCDonald’s where he worked] while trying to defend a woman who was being beaten [at the MCDonald’s where he worked].
::: Way to go, corporate fuckers!! :::

Nigel Haskett’s heroics earned him three abdominal surgeries and a permanent reminder of the universal law that no good deed goes unpunished in the form of a partial bullet — forever lodged — in his back.
::: Who says you can’t take it with you?!? :::

Haskett’s unselfish actions also garnered the highest admiration and respect from his employer.

Noooo — just kidding!

McDonald’s really couldn’t have said ‘Fuck Off Loser Scum!’ more quickly or more clearly.

Facing more than $300,000 in medical bills from the shooting [at the MCDonald’s where he worked], Haskett filed a claim with the state Workers Compensation Commission — to which McDonald’s replied, well,¬† ‘Fuck Off Loser Scum!’
::: See! :::

In a letter to the Commission, McDonald’s insurer wrote: ‚Äúwe have denied this claim in its entirety as it is our opinion that Mr. Haskett’s injuries did not arise out of or within the course and scope of his employment.‚ÄĚ
::: I’ll bet his timecard begs to differ! :::

The McLawyers say¬†McEmployees are given strict¬†McInstruction to ‘do nothing’ that would put themselves or anyone else in danger during the course of their¬†McWorkday.

Oooook — and, umm, the¬†McCustomers? Any advice on their safety, Mickey D?!?

Ohhhh riiiight – ‘Fuck Off Loser Scum!’ – GOTCHA!

In a clear deviation from Chapter 6, paragraph 13 of McDonald’s We Didn’t See Nuthin’ Customer Beatdown policy, Haskett’s boss Ray Nosler called¬†him a hero for his actions last August and contributed to a fund setup for his employee.

“We are all grateful to Nigel and that’s why it is so unfortunate that he’s having a difficult time with the insurance claim,” Nosler says.¬† “Because the insurance claim is still pending, I‚Äôm not able to say more about it, but I hope his claim will come to a quick resolution and the right thing will be done for my employee.”
::: awwww – i haz cry :::

Video of the incident had been available on YouTube, but now there is a disclaimer that reads: This video is no longer available due to a copyright claim by McDonald’s Corporation.

They don’t want to own up to any responsibility for what happens in their restaurants but they’ll sure as shit own the evidence!
::: I’m not lovin’ it :::

Eh, McFuckem — you can watch it here.


So what do you think?
Should the Evil Clown Empire cough up some cash or should we just all understand we’re taking our lives in our hands each time we frequent the corporate-sanctioned anything goes, lawless wasteland that is your neighborhood McDonald’s?


February 23, 2009 at 11:34 am 3 comments

TARP for Dummies

Mr. Financial Industry: Say there¬†Mrs.¬†Congress, you sure are lookin’ nine kinds of fine on this bright October day! Can I have some money?

Mrs. Congress: Why thank you! Autumn is my season! I suppose I could come off a few¬†bucks for old time’s sake – but I have to check with Mr. Government to make sure it’s ok.

Mr. Financial Industry: Oh certainly! He’s a wonderful leader who has always put our needs first.

Mrs. Congress: Hi George! Mr. Financial Industry was wondering if he could have some money and, since I know you and the banks are total bushmoneybffs to the end I figured it was ok .. ok?

Mr. Government: Money? For the banks? SAY NO MORE!! Is $700 billion enough?!?

Mrs. Congress: I think — for now — it should be enough. Do you want me to have Mr. Financial Industry sign for it or anything?

Mr. Government: Oh no! He and I go way back! NO STRINGS ATTACHED!

Mrs. Congress: Oh George, that’s wonderful! Mr. Financial Industry will be so happy! But, umm, where is the money coming from?

taxpayermoneyMr. Government: From Mr. and Mrs. Taxpayer, but don’t worry about your pretty little head over that insiginificant little detail.

Mrs. Congress: No worries then! I’ll give Mr. Financial Industry his big, fat, no-strings-attached¬†check when we meet for dinner and drinks tonight.

Mr. Government: Sounds great! Make sure to tell him I might be a little late for our golf game on Saturday, ok?

Mrs. Congress: You got it, George!


… a distinctive chill slices through¬†the air¬†as¬†the holidays close in. No¬†one can afford to buy gifts or food or heat, since roughly 850,000 jobs¬†have been¬†eliminated in the two months since Mrs. Congress and Mr. Government gave Mr. Financial Industry his early Christmas bonus …


Mr. and Mrs. Taxpayer sit at their kitchen table, poring over bills and scratching their heads in wonderment at just how the 6% rate on their bank-financed credit card could have possibly ballooned to 28% seemingly overnight.

Mr. Taxpayer: I don’t understand! We’ve never paid that card late once in 12 years! Something must be wrong. Don’t worry honey, I’ll call the bank and find out what happened.


Mr. Taxpayer: Hello? Mr. Bank? Hi, this is Mr. Taxpayer. I noticed that the rate on my credit card went from low-interest to mega-ultra-shockingly-high interest sometime between 10:30 and 10:31¬†this morning. We’ve never been late on a payment – can you tell me what happened?

Mr. Bank’s Assistant: I’m sorry, Mr. Taxpayer, but Mr. Bank is on vacation this week. Can I help you?

Mr. Taxpayer: Yes, thank you. I was saying that I wanted to find out why my interest rate basically tripled in the last nanosecond … ooooh – there it goes again!

Mr. Bank’s Assistant: Oh that. Yes sir. That’s a new corporate ‘rate recovery’ policy that we’ve just instituted at random but across the board to select and preferred and targeted, umm, clientelle? Yes. Umm hmm.

Mr. Taxpayer: Wait. Fee what?

Mr. Bank’s Assistant: Fee Ree-cuh-ver-eee Proh-graaam. It’s designed to help offset Mr. Bank’s tremendous losses in this time of economic recession. I’m sure you understand.

Mr. Taxpayer: Not exactly. I mean, I¬†just read in the newspaper that Mr. Bank just got a¬† big check from Mr. Government — using my money. What did Mr. Bank do with my money?

Mr. Bank’s Assistant: I’m really not at liberty to say, Mr. Taxpayer. You have the ‘basic’ account with us. That information is available only to our ‘premium’ clients.

Mr. Taxpayer: Ok. How do I become a ‘premium’ client?

Mr. Bank’s Assistant: Are you a lobbyist?

Mr. Taxpayer: No, ma’am. I’m a sheet metal fabricator

frustratedphoneMr. Bank’s Assistant: *laughs softly* Ok, I see. Well, then I’m afraid – no. You do not qualify for ‘premium’ status.

Mr. Taxpayer: Then how can I find out what Mr. Bank did with my money?

Mr. Bank’s Assistant: You could try calling his boss, Mr. Financial Industry, but I believe his office just instituted a comprehensive ‘rate recovery information abstinence’ program. Would you still like his number?

Mr. Taxpayer: Umm, yes, I guess …

Mr. Taxpayer hangs up the phone and turns to Mrs. Taxpayer with a look of determination, fear, dread and anger … he dials …

Mr. Taxpayer: Hello! Mr. Financial Industry?

Mr. Financial Industry: This is he.

Mr. Taxpayer: Hi, this is Mr. Taxpayer. I was calling to find out if you could please tell me what Mr. Bank did with the money you gave him?

Mr. Financial Industry: I really wouldn’t know. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a golf ga …

screwedMr. Taxpayer: NO! WAIT!!! Can you at least tell me then what you did with the money Mrs. Congress and Mr. Government gave you? That was my money too!

Mr. Financial Industry: Oh really … your money …

Mr. Taxpayer: Yes! That was MY money! What did you do with it?!?

Mr. Financial Industry: FUCK YOU, that’s what I did with it!

— click —
— dialtone—

Troubled Asset Relief Program: TARP


December 22, 2008 at 9:28 pm 7 comments

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