Posts tagged ‘ass’

Ad … Nauseum?


No, this is not me making a mad dash for my secret hiding place when the po po unexpected company has arrived.
::: I mean really. The couch? OBVIOUS! :::

This is not me looking for that ‘little extra’ I sometimes need but have to hide strategically protectionize locationally.
::: Like I’d leave it where your chirrenz could steal it?!? Never! :::

This is not me putting a fresh coat of tummy gargle on the living-room Pergo.
::: Well, actually it could be. But it’s not. THIS time. :::

This is an advertisement.

A wide shot of some bitch’s admittedly hot ass is the cerebral creation I have to believe a bunch of dumb Madison Avenue morons conveived at the conclusion of a long afternoon spent high on Hawaiian salt, trying to relive those long-long gone high school glory days when all it took was a not-exactly-creative ‘nice ass’ and a driver’s licenes to get you nine-kinds of in the door.

‘Cept the ad isn’t edgy or creative or even fun.
It’s pathetic.

Because it’s too easy.

I mean, who doesn’t know that the seat of all power, the center of known universe, the source of all natural wealth, health and happiness – as well as everything in reverse to the extreme times a gozillion – is and forever will be the Great Garden of Lady Goodness that makes the world go ’round?!?

Frealz.
We run this shit.

Which means this had to be the brainchildfart of actual grown-up type-human most-likely-male-type chromosome-carriers.
Old-type ones.

Because that kind of generic ‘nice ass’ coming from a bunch of 50-60-ish adver-guys in ties gawking at the Hooter’s waitstaff while trying to evolve an idea has the same pathetic ring as ‘I live with my mom’ from a 30-ish trick trying to pick me you up at Applebee’s.

Just sayin’.
Can’t you do better?!

Guess not.

Because the Maddy’s testosterone mind meld apparently had them feeling enough ‘Captain’s of Concept’ that they were able to convince their poor schmuck of a client to buy the back covers of aawlll the supermarket ‘oids to showcase their duhhhh moment for all the world to witness.

Because I guess they don’t realize that this is a SHEconomy where 85% of all brand purchases are made by … WOMEN!
In case you didn’t know, this includes homes, cars, health care, food and medicines.
Hmmmmm, is this ass ad trying to sell us one of those???

Because I guess they also don’t realize that 91% of the value validating vajayjays out there feel advertisers *SHOCK* don’t understand them.

Because they really think the chuff is gonna help sell …


October 16, 2011 at 7:46 pm 1 comment

Dumb Bitch of the Day


Straight from the ‘Literally too stupid to be allowed in public’ file — a teacher from (like you couldn’t just guess?!) GEORGIA (mmm hmmm) allowed students to don mock Ku Klux Klan outfits for a school project.

Now, when I first read that I was all ‘What in the fucked-up hell kind of bullshit project is that?!’ but then my liberalcommiepinko everyoneshouldbeheard heart was all ‘Maybe I’m not getting the full picture here’ which actually just really pissed me off at me and made me all ‘Fuck that shit — there is no reason on God’s green EARTH that is acceptible!’

And – surprisingly yet thankfully – Lumpkin County School Superintendent Dewey Moye agreed.
::: all hope for our public education system is not lost … :::

He said DBotD Catherine Ariemma, who has taught a course combining U.S. history with film education for several years, could face punishment ranging from suspension to termination.
::: either of which is a perfect chaser for knowing you’re a colossal fucking dumbass without an ounce of common sense and judgment only a Metzger or Duke could love … :::

Ariemma said the whole mess began when her students decided to trace the history of racism in America as their high school project. Five pupils took on the subject, which included one of them filming the other four wearing the repulsive robes while reviewing Klan history.

And (like you couldn’t just guess?!) none of her students are black. (mmm hmmm)

“The kids brought the sheets in, they had SpongeBob party hats underneath to make it shaped like a cone,” Ariemma said. “They cut out the eyes so they could see.”

She then led the students out of the classroom and through the cafeteria to another location for filming.
::: dumb and dumber :::

“That’s when I heard there were a couple of students who were upset,” she said.

SURPRISE, BIATCH!
That shit is offensive!

“It was poor judgment on my part in allowing them to film at school,” Ariemma said. “… That was a hard lesson learned.”

Wait.
What?
The poor judgment was allowing the filming at school?! NOT allowing them to be clothed in what is loathed?!?
::: Calgon, take me away … :::

The sight of people in Klan-like outfits upset some black students at the school and led at least one parent to complain.

Student Cody Rider told local media that his cousin was among those who saw the group in white sheets and was frightened.
“I got mad and stood up and I tried to go handle it,” he told the TV station.

Moye pointed out that Ariemma has no history of missteps at the school.

The Cookie points out that you don’t … until you do …

SOURCE

May 25, 2010 at 9:53 pm 2 comments

Ridonkulously Retardified!!!


This whole retarded debate over the use of the word retarded to describe shit that actually IS retarded is 30 shades of RETARDED – so fucking stop it right now with the back-and-forth blah blah over it!

Folks lost their gat damned minds earlier this week when it was reported that *OH NOES* White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel used the word when he told a group of liberal activists that it was “fucking retarded” for them to run ads attacking against some Democrats.

GUESS WHAT GOOBERS? IT IS!

And then the hooha over David Carney – consultant for Texas Governor Perry – saying it was retarded that one of the candidate holding rooms for a debate would be in a separate building from the debate venue.

NEWSFLASH: IT IS!!

Retarded is a great word! I say use the shit out of that bitch!
I mean, it’s just like fuck [fave], bitch [ultrafave], boob, kicks, dig, buzz, gank and so many other fantabulous phrasiological forms because it, too, can wear many hats!

STOP!
GRAMMAR-TIME!

It can be used as an adjective to describe Rush Limbaugh a person who is retarded.
It can be used as a noun to describe a group of people who are Republican retarded.
It can also as a verb to describe something that is hindering progress – which, if you really think about it kiddies, could apply to the statements from either Emanuel or Carney.

But wait. There’s more!

Retarded is also widely used in everyday life by everyday people everyDAY to describe a thing, a person, an object or an action that is a waste of time, bogus, cheesy, dense, empty-headed, flighty, groundless, hopeless, ill-advised, juvenile, kooky, lame, menial, nonsensical, obtuse, pitiful, raunchy, screwy, trifling, unintelligent, vacuous, weak, or yucky.

Yup! It’s a multi-tasker like that. It’s just how it rolls.

M’kay, pumpkins?
We all clear now?

February 5, 2010 at 11:04 am 14 comments

Prideful prejudice


Oh Alabama!
How you do amuse me with your schizophrenic, small-minded self!

The day House reps passed a resolution praising the bigoted, parochial pettiness that is Miss USA contestant Carrie Prejean was the very same day they also approved a bill adding sexual orientation to the state’s hate crimes law

HUH?!?
Ya.

State lawmakers aren’t about to give those gay old gays the same civil rights as you, me, the abusers, drug addicts, molesters and  felons out there who are free to get their ‘I do’ on … but if your gayified gayness garners aggressive behavior? Well, then they’ve got your back.
::: I hear that’s how AG Troy King likes it :::

I think it’s time for a resolution addressing the much-needed addendum to the state’s coat of arms …

alcoa

Sorry Carrie – that’s just how I was raised …

April 24, 2009 at 1:15 pm 3 comments

G-nailed!


aigemail
So I got ^ this email ^ yesterday at mmmm.lifeisacookie@gmail.com that was kinda sorta seemingly callin’ my ass a few kinds of out for not going apeshit on the whole AIG sitch.

And I’m all ‘Dude! What’s going on?!? If only you knew how I’ve tried!’

‘What’s going on?’
Well, for one thing, I really didn’t think anyone would want to read 8 inches of FUCK YOU AIG ASSHATS AND YOUR MISERABLE CORPORATE FUCKERY, YOU GREEDY FUCKING FUCKTARDED FUCKERS!!

I mean, it’s not exactly what one would call particularly ‘insightful’ or ‘thought-provoking’, now is it?

‘What’s going on??’
Every time I sit down, try to channel my inner calm and meaningfully articulate just exactly how I feel about AIG paying more than $160 million in bonuses to employees of its Financial Products division …
… the unit primarily responsible for the company’s epic meltdown …
… the meltdown that resulted in AIG getting more than $170 billion of my yours OUR money in the form of a taxpayer-funded bailout …
… the bailout that essentially made instant millionaires over the weekend of more than 70 people (11 of whom no longer even WORK there) who had a direct fucking role in bringing the fucking company to the brink of ETERNAL FUCKING RUIN …

… What’s going on is that I get a POUNDING HEADACHE from repeatedly bashing my forehead against the wall out of earned aggravation and excessively escalating pissiosity!

Because it’s not just the greedy muddascunt AIGers who arouse my anger, sir.

OH HO NO!

I have ire in reserve for the Federal Reserve twits and the Treasury Deptartment meatsacks who should have put terms into the original bailout agreement that would have prevented this fiscal fuckery — but didn’t in the rush rush to get the [admittedly necessary] bill passed.

And I feel I can rightly direct a fair amount of fury at every lameass, near-sighted Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Green Partier, lobbyist, banker, zoologist, cryptozoologist, philatelist or rare coin collector who had even the most limited hand in ultimately putting before then-President Bush the $700 billion NO FUCKING OVERSIGHT economic bailout package (Emergency Economic Stabilization Act of 2008) which became the godawful Troubled Assets Relief Program (TARP) when shrub signed that bitch into law on October 3.

‘What’s going on?!?’
ACK!

I don’t think I can harness this hissy fit and I sure as shit couldn’t find my happy place right now even if you plopped my tuckus smack in the middle of it from a hot-air balloon powered solely by sunshine and positive thoughts!

‘What’s going on?!?!’

There [almost] are no words …

March 18, 2009 at 10:11 am 3 comments

Pass that doobie, Dick!


I don’t know what Dick Cheney is smoking but I WANTS ME SOME!!!

America’s evil overlord says no one saw saw the economic crisis coming and, oh yeah – nobody at the CIA has done anything wrong!

THAT IS SOME GOOD SHIT, Y’ALL!!!

Darth Cheney spun his fantastical web of lies to an Associated Press reporter who probably had to coerce the beastmaster sign some sort of legal document stating he promised not to – at any point during the interview – attempt to drain the blood from the reporter’s veins and drink it as an afternoon cocktail, quarter small children using chopsticks and piano wire or turn the reporter into a psycho robot killer with his demonic laser stare of doom.
::: LOOK AWAY!!!! :::

Once Ol’ Snarly scrawled his 666, the interview was on.
::: It’s the Fuzzy Logic History Hour with Uncle Dick – YAY!!! :::

He said there is no reason, no reason whaaaaatsoever for Dumbya to even give one little thought [like he’s capable of another kind] to pre-emptively pardoning anyone at the CIA because it’s just a giant ball of CRAZY to think anyone there would have been involved in any of those way harsh interrogationny tactics the rest of the world affectionately calls torture. Nuh uh! Nosireee!!!

“I don’t have any reason to believe that anybody in the agency did anything illegal,” he monotoned while playfully tasering Agent 6 of his Secret Service detail.
::: MULTI-TASKER!!! :::

Dr. Doom went on to say that Shrub has no need, no need whaaaaatsoever  to apologize for not picking up on the globally evident signs of  the looming economic crisis leading to the New Great Depression … even though key business leaders and economists (… Nouriel Roubini anyone? anyone?) had been warning about them, pointing right at them and hanging neon signs directly over them for more than two ‘nuthin’ to see here, war war war, buy a Hummer, the fundamentals are strong’ years.

“I don’t think anybody saw it coming,” he said, bits of crestfallen taxpayer falling from his fangs.

Then he blah blah’d some caca about his  ‘retirement’ plans to write a book or some crapass crap and his desire kill fish in rivers all over the country, but the interview was called to a convulsively abrupt end when his batteries got wet from an unexpected splash of pig’s blood and fried all the circuits in his motherboard.

… I hate it when that happens …

SOURCE

January 9, 2009 at 9:23 pm 9 comments

Holiday Humbug


Some dumb bitch in Panama City has gotten her EEOC-complaint on because she says she was fired from her job for refusing to answer the phone by saying ‘Happy Holidays’ as opposed to ‘Merry Christmas’.

The Rundown:
Tonia Thomas says the phrase ‘Happy Holidays’ contributes to the secularization of Christmas. The Orlando-based Liberty Counsel, which advocates for people discriminated against because of religion, is representing her.
– Her former employer, Counts Oakes Resort Properties, called bullshit on her defense and says she was fired for other reasons.
– The EEOC hasn’t said squat … yet

Cookie’s Comeback:
I’d like to suggest that Ms. Thomas remove her head from her ass long enough to remember that her job was to book vacation rentals in Florida … and the last time I checked, folks from all over the world were free to get their Sunshine State vakay on.

That means people who don’t live within a 10-mile radius of the property rental office who may be of different cultural or religious heritage but still want to catch a gnarly wave or bake their buns in the South Florida Sun will occasionally be calling with inquiries of how best to hand over their discretionary income in exchange for a beachfront condo …

‘Kay, girlfriend?
This world is a smallishly big place where many people observe or celebrate something other than (or in addition to) Christmas this time of year.
::: Free your mind and the rest will follow … :::

With head firmly out of ass, Ms. Thomas should find it much easier to see this great big beautiful world (and her country, state and city) in terms greater than her own self-indulgent, egocentric personhood.

In this last month every year in the world of more than Tonia Thomas’ me-me-me-ness, people gather together in celebration of several important secular and religous events that don’t go by the name Christmas but are every bit as important to the folks who observe them.

Bottom line:
I can’t speak for everyone (although I’d like to!) but I can say that – taking into account that I do not live in my own little universe – I have zero issue with extending a generic but nonetheless heartfelt wish for universal happiness and well-being to those who’s company I am fortunate enough to keep in the month of December.

So let’s go ahead and give Tonia Thomas a tiara because she has earned the dubious distinction of being my ‘Dumbass Bitch of the Season’ as well as the year-round title of official ‘Redneck Riviera Retard’ for her ability to throw caution and common sense to the winds while adopting an absolutely mindnumbingly myopic and ill-advised moral stance over what is, in essense, one of the most extremely non-pressing non-important non-issue issues of our time.

Take a bow, Tonia. Take a bow.

—————————————————————————–

And, just in case anyone was wondering about those December dates …

Kwanzaa
A seven-day celebration of African family, culture and community, Kwanzaa is not a religious celebration but rather a cultural one which begins December 26 and runs through January 1.

Boxing Day
A public holiday also observed on December 26 by folks in the United Kingdom, Canada, New Zealand Australia and countries in the Commonwealth of Nations.
Historically, the tradition of Boxing Day calls for the giving of presents to the poor.
::: Those after-Christmas deep discounts really come in handy! :::

Hanukkah
This year, the Jewish holiday began at sundown on Sunday, December 22. Although it’s not a ‘High Hoy Day’, the Hanukkah is still one of the most widely recognized religious celebrations in the world.
Because the holiday is fixed on the Hebrew calendar as the 25th day of Kislev (for those playing along at home) it varies on the Gregorian calendar used by the rest of the world.
As a result, Hanukkah can fall anywhere from late November to late December which means that it often crosses paths (and sometimes downright overlaps) Christmas on the ol’ calendar.

Saint Nicholas Day
On December 6, folks in Northern Europe use Saint Nicholas Day to educate children that jolly old St. Nick wasn’t always just some gluttonous elf who rides around giving PlayStations and Wiis and iPods to privileged little boys and girls one night each year.
Instead they recognize Saint Nicholas’s great kindness and generous aid to those in distress.
Traditional celebrations of this day include gifts left in children’s shoes (the origin of our American Christmas stockings). Good children receive treats – candies, cookies, apples and nuts, while naughty children receive switches or lumps of coal.

Eid’ul-Adha
Observed on December 8, this Muslim holiday commemorates the willingness of Ibrahim to sacrifice his son Ishmael as an act of obedience to God.

Fiesta of Our Lady of Guadalupe
Observed every December 12, Fiesta of Our Lady of Guadalupe
is one of the most important dates on the Mexican calendar. It’s a time of great sacrifice and jubilation when thousands of the faithful from around the country make a pilgrimage to the Basílica of Guadalupe, in Mexico City, where the miraculous image of la Virgen Morena is kept.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS BITCHES!!!!!!

December 23, 2008 at 9:44 pm 4 comments

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