Posts tagged ‘arrest’

NOOOooooooo!!!


My (other) boo … my comedic counselmy satirical soul-mate … has been wronged, y’all!!

Katt Williams has been filming a movie and staying at the producer’s home in rural Georgia for a month when suddenly an employee of the producer got his amnesia on, apparently forgot who my kitty Katt was and called Johnny Law to report my (other) boo as a burglar!
::: WRONGNESS! :::

Barry Hankerson – the film’s producer – told investigators that my (other) boo had total and complete permies to stay at his place for as long as his sweet little ol’ heart desires.
::: CASE CLOSED! :::

“The community and law enforcement have been very welcoming and kind to him,” Georgia lawyer Alan Clarke said. “This is a misunderstanding which will work out quickly.”

I hope so!
In the meantime – even a wrongful arrest can’t keep Mr. Kattastic from finding the funny:

t1larg.katt.williams.mug

I can’t wait for the standup on this!

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November 10, 2009 at 11:19 am 14 comments

A Dios le pido – AY DIOS MIO!!


After several Cruzan buckets I had myself a genuine ‘moment’ at a bar one night last year when I stormed the corner stage and threatened the house band with irreparable bodily harm if they continued cannibalizing ‘Sweet Home Alabama’.
::: doan cheww deww eht!! :::

However, in my defense, I must confess that it never would have gotten ‘beatdown bad’ because:
1. Mr. Cookie had my back ( U )
2. My girl posse had my back and Mr. Cookie’s back (PROPS HO’S!)
3. I’m pretty much a big non-violent pussy (and by that, of course, I mean I’m all talk)
4. I was about 12 seconds from total pass-out when the threat was made (timmmmberrrrr!!!)

Apparently, they do it a little differently in Connecticut.

Some Nutmegger was gettin’ her karaoke on a couple weeks back hit when she hit what had to have been the most viciously, horrendously, most outrageously putrid sour note ever to have made contact with the human ear because her rendition of Juanes’ ‘A Dios le pido’ caused six underaged tricks to completely lose their gatdamn minds and start a heckling showdown that ended with them bitchslapping the ‘talent’ into the next county!
::: And you thought Simon Cowell was harsh! :::

The almost-comical kerfluffle happened at Bobby Valentine’s Sports Gallery Cafe in Stamford when the savage sextet gave an unmistakable ‘Oh no she di‘INT!’ to the performance by shouting insults at the 25-year-old singer – who’s retaliatory ranting met with a not-so-friendly stage-rush that ended with her ass being knocked 50 kinds of all the way down.
::: kaPLOW biotch! :::

After much punching and pulling of hair, the combat was curtailed – leaving the six pack facing assault charges and the victim with bruises and some serious tooth chipification!

Screw New York!
Connecticut’s ROUGH, yo!

ROOOAAAD TRIIIIIP!!!

SOURCE

October 9, 2009 at 10:23 am 4 comments

The family way?


This is some sinister shit, yo!

imlerA 46-year-old Pennsylvania whackjob
————————————–>
 is in the chokey, charged with trying to kill the fetus of a 17-year-old girl.

But that’s not even the worst part, see, ‘cuz he wasn’t the doer.

Nope.
Scaryeyes was helping two teenage nitwits get their homicide on by lending a hand as those hos put an abortioninducing horse, pig and cow hormone in her drink.
::: I bet it tasted like chicken … :::

Police say the girl’s 16-year-old babydaddy and a 17-year-old baka “stole the drug and a syringe from a local farm and added a ‘drop’ ” to a bottle of Gatorade. Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dumb then delivered the deadly drink to the girl, who drank it.

A couple of 60’s later, another acquaintance got all ‘HAHAHAHA – you just drank POISON, bitch!’ – which is when the girl made a beeline for the hospital — which is when the whole ‘evidence > suspects > conspiracy > arrest’ chain of events got going.

Jonathan Imler is charged with attempted criminal homicide, aggravated assault of an unborn child, simple assault, recklessly endangering another person, theft by unlawful taking and corruption of minors.
::: when they get to his motives — 100 bucks says love of young peen’s in there somewhere :::

Don’t freak — authorities also filed juvenile petitions against the moron twins.

And the upside of all of this?
Oh sure sure – the baby was born all normal and shit so yay and awesome and way to go and all … but the REAL upside is that baby killers are hella popular in the pen!
::: It’s the gift that keeps on giving … every night after last check and lights out!  :::

SOURCE

May 21, 2009 at 4:01 pm 2 comments

Dumb Bitch of the Month


I feel cheated!
Duped!!
SWINDLED!!!
 

geninecomptonHere I’ve been, thinking Genine Compton was a pro!
She did have all the earmarks of one, after all!
Supreme sefishness!
Total disregard for others!!
Bad grammar and blind bitchitude!!! 

She had it all, didn’t she?
I thought Genine would go all the way to the Dumb Bitch Championships, but now that I’ve seen a real pro – a crackerjackin action, I’m thinking I should probably revoke even her Dumb Bitch of the Day honors.

I mean, all Genine summoned the stupidity to do was breast-feed her brat while talking on her cellphone … in the car … that she just happened to be driving at the time.

cokeymomLaughably losery and impressive by novice multi-tasking standards but totally bush league when you stack her shenanigans up against master moron Renee Vanalsburg — March’s Dumb Bitch of the Month and for sure DB Hall of Fame shoo in.

Because Renee doesn’t just put her tyke on the tit and go for a drive. Anyone can do that shit!

Renee lets her baby bond with mommy’s breastesses with a booze back and blow chaser!!
::: SUPER ACHIEVER!!! :::

Police discovered the trilateral transgression when they responded to a domestic dispute call at a house where Lactose Incarcerant and her ‘better half’ were staying.

The po po rolled up on the scene to find the Florida Mother[fucker] of the Year candidate breastfeeding her baby while ‘clearly drunk and high’.
::: Because if you’re gonna go for it – GO BIG! ::: 

crackshirtThey did a little legal looky-loo and found a bottle of oxycodone and a tin with white powder in the baby’s crib before spying broken glass, ant killer, spray paint and knives scattered on floor of the baby’s room.

Knowing that Cartel Chic isn’t all the rage in nursery design, Johnny Law got to suspectin’ that Mommy Dreariest and baby daddy Marc Rush might not be such primo parents and arrested the duncetastic duo on child neglect charges.

Oh sure, sure — it all sounds pretty harsh right now and all, but you just KNOW the cherished family retelling of  ‘the time mommy’s boozified tatas got her busted’ is gonna be THE highlight at Junior’s sweet 16!

Yup – that’s gonna be soooooome party!

SOURCE

March 23, 2009 at 5:02 pm 3 comments

In His name?


No NO NO!!!
That is not how you do it, you sick fuckuva twisted wackjob!
:::  … which would normally be a tag of glory but, in this case, it means you’ve summited Mt. Dumbass — plant your flag, moron! :::

Time was a barbecue sandwich and some juice after Sunday school was all it took to lure the faithful … I guess we’re doin’ it differently these days

Ugh … cue the crazy …

troy_ian_brisport_20090215174926_320_240Johnny Law over in Ohio has charged God’s little soldier, Troy Brisport, ——>
with kidnapping, ransom/sheild hostage and felonious assault for handcuffing some poor bitch, gagging her, stripping her naked then dressing her up in …
::: Nooo — it’s not that kind of story!!! :::

… dressing her up in an adult diaper while he …
::: nuh uh … not that kind either :::

… while he read Bible passages to her … for four tragically theologified days!
From the Book of Retard 8:38-19:
“For He is convinced that only an emergency dispatcher will be able to separate the supposed sinner from the sick fuckery being done in His name
at the Tamarack Creek Apartments.”

Police say the 13th Apostle picked up his victim Wednesday night in Detroit and drove her to his apartment after she told him she had nowhere to stay.

The Master’s messenger must give one sorryass sermon because, at some point, the kidnapee fell asleep, which is when the kidnapper did as the shreiking voices in his head his Lord and Savior instructed and put his prey on hardcore house arrest!
::: Who’s a kinky Christian?!? Whooooz a kinky Christian?!?  YOU are!!! :::

Rev. Gotitwrong apparently also tried – several times – to suffocate his disinclined disciple using a pillow and blanket.
::: … the power of Christ compelled him … :::

I guess giving his testimony must just be, like, way harder and stuff these days because, after all that work, Troy The Thickheaded got a major case of the sleepies and went all nite-nite.

“And the sufferer broke 20 kinds of free and ran walked stumbled into the sun light parking lot to call 9-1-1 … and it was good.” Morons 25:36-27

Have fun ministering in County, dickweed!

SOURCE

February 18, 2009 at 4:43 pm 17 comments

Here we go again …


!!!!! SICK BITCH ALERT !!!!!
!!!!! SICK BITCH ALERT !!!!!
!!!!! SICK BITCH ALERT !!!!!

 

Geez it’s gonna be crowded at the Mother Of The Year awards!

It seems like just yesterday that the hoochie twins were making news for their partiality to little-boy peen … and now we get to add 38-year-old Juli Faunce to our ever-growing ‘Pedo’ file.

But, unlike Tweedle Defective and Tweedle Diseased, Faunce doesn’t go for 13-year-old ass.
Nope! She likes ’em older!
Lean, mean and not a blackhead over 14!!!
::: … can’t drive, can’t shave, can’t stay up past 9 — oh yeah, so much to offer! :::

faunceOn Sunday December 28, police were called to her Delaware apartment where Mamma Bad Perm put on her big fat liar face and told the popo that a neighborhood boy had forced her 14-year-old daughter to have sex with him.
::: Little whipperslut!! :::

The fuzz then contacted the boy’s mother who said her son had sex alright — but it was with Mamma Faunce – not her teenage daughter.
::: PREDITORY! :::

Suddenly Juli gets jiggy with the factitudes and admits that *SHOCK* ‘yes, officer, I did have sexual relations with that boy!’ … on at least TWO occasions when he spent the night at her crib in November.

And that mess about Mr. Baby Luvah having sexy times with her daughter?
TrueEWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!

SOURCE

December 30, 2008 at 2:30 pm 7 comments

Would you hit it?


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‘Cuz someone did … someone paid for these bitches … more than once …

But, you know, I get it.

I do!
As I sit here feasting my eyes upon these two glorious rays of perky, sunshiny femininity I’m overcome with verklemptitudination because Itchy and Scratchy personify the drive, the guts, the sticktoitiveness of American entrepreneurship that keeps this great country of ours moving toward a bright new day of perfection and bliss and unadulterated glee that will enab … uhh … umm … what was I sayi …

Oy gevalt, I’m paying homage to hookers?!?!? 
… fuckin’ meds …

December 20, 2008 at 3:23 pm 8 comments

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