Posts tagged ‘anger’

It’s ok, Serena

We know what you were really upset about. We know …

The awfulness

September 14, 2009 at 10:22 am 2 comments

Big Brother IS watching!

Good news, breadliners!

Your government cares about you!

Well, ok. Maybe not you, Mr. L.A. Dude who offed your whole family govmybadlast year over your mounting financial mess.
Or you, Mr. Ohio Guy who was so worried about money that X-ing out the fam was, apparently, the only option.
And, ok, not you, Mr. Pennsylvania Businessman who’s fiscal failures led to things gettin’ all shooty with the missus.
And, well uh, if we’re being honest —  you either, Mr. San Fran Skin-Care Clinic owner who mistook your lagging sales as a sign it was time to liquidate your loved ones …  

… but for the rest of you sad sacks out there not yet driven to do in those dearest to you – your government wants you to know it cares about you!

It does!
They even set up a super special website to prove it!!

govheroGetting Through Tough Economic Times” — an inadequately-titled guide intended to provide “practical advice on how to deal with the effects financial difficulties can have on your physical and mental health” — launched in the wee hours overnight.
::: … guess no one liked the more aptly-titled ‘How To Deal When Your World’s Gone To Shit’ … :::

On this little corner of the interwebs, the feds will educate your impovrished ass about depression, suicidal thinking and other mental illnesses.
::: Because who knows better about depression and suicidal thinking than government workers, right? :::

govnokillIt lays out the warning flags for: Persistent sadness/crying; Excessive anxiety; Lack of sleep/constant fatigue; Excessive irritability/anger. 
::: Oh. Those aren’t just regular conditions of life now? :::

So, if you’re unsure whether your spouse has slaughter in his/her heart?
If you’re worried that crushing debt is making the one you hold dear consider dumping your dead body in a ditch??
If you’re concerned that paying the bills has poisoned your partner against you???

Don’t take matters into your own ignorant hands!
Consult Uncle Sam – your hard times BFF!


March 31, 2009 at 1:23 pm 1 comment


So I got ^ this email ^ yesterday at that was kinda sorta seemingly callin’ my ass a few kinds of out for not going apeshit on the whole AIG sitch.

And I’m all ‘Dude! What’s going on?!? If only you knew how I’ve tried!’

‘What’s going on?’
Well, for one thing, I really didn’t think anyone would want to read 8 inches of FUCK YOU AIG ASSHATS AND YOUR MISERABLE CORPORATE FUCKERY, YOU GREEDY FUCKING FUCKTARDED FUCKERS!!

I mean, it’s not exactly what one would call particularly ‘insightful’ or ‘thought-provoking’, now is it?

‘What’s going on??’
Every time I sit down, try to channel my inner calm and meaningfully articulate just exactly how I feel about AIG paying more than $160 million in bonuses to employees of its Financial Products division …
… the unit primarily responsible for the company’s epic meltdown …
… the meltdown that resulted in AIG getting more than $170 billion of my yours OUR money in the form of a taxpayer-funded bailout …
… the bailout that essentially made instant millionaires over the weekend of more than 70 people (11 of whom no longer even WORK there) who had a direct fucking role in bringing the fucking company to the brink of ETERNAL FUCKING RUIN …

… What’s going on is that I get a POUNDING HEADACHE from repeatedly bashing my forehead against the wall out of earned aggravation and excessively escalating pissiosity!

Because it’s not just the greedy muddascunt AIGers who arouse my anger, sir.


I have ire in reserve for the Federal Reserve twits and the Treasury Deptartment meatsacks who should have put terms into the original bailout agreement that would have prevented this fiscal fuckery — but didn’t in the rush rush to get the [admittedly necessary] bill passed.

And I feel I can rightly direct a fair amount of fury at every lameass, near-sighted Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Green Partier, lobbyist, banker, zoologist, cryptozoologist, philatelist or rare coin collector who had even the most limited hand in ultimately putting before then-President Bush the $700 billion NO FUCKING OVERSIGHT economic bailout package (Emergency Economic Stabilization Act of 2008) which became the godawful Troubled Assets Relief Program (TARP) when shrub signed that bitch into law on October 3.

‘What’s going on?!?’

I don’t think I can harness this hissy fit and I sure as shit couldn’t find my happy place right now even if you plopped my tuckus smack in the middle of it from a hot-air balloon powered solely by sunshine and positive thoughts!

‘What’s going on?!?!’

There [almost] are no words …

March 18, 2009 at 10:11 am 3 comments

Weeks to go and the whining is easy

Hopification and audaciousness be damned, people!
We are at Defcon 5 and the liberal, commie, pinko, treehuggers are rrrrrrready to rrrrrrrrruuuuummble!!!!!!!

Wimpy, freaked out Democrats are telling my boyfriend to get tough and grow a pair already!

The nervous Nellies are havin’ a hissy fit because — despite an economy teetering on the brink of the Greater Depression and that whole war thing and how only rich people can afford food and stuff and mean ol’ Mother Nature raining on everyone’s parade and crappy sitcom television and transfats and Britney being back, bitches — despite ALL of the gloom and doom facing Americans today, polls show an almost even  race between The People’s Prince and His Maverick Beefiness.
::: yeah — it’s a head-scratcher … :::

The Nellies are tellin’ Yummy Tummy to put on his game face and show them a change they can believe in – a change of attitude, that is! Go negative, get mean, be more passionate!
::: Obama + more passion … woo hoo! :::

Doubting doubters …  Barry brings the hotness – AND the fire!!!

” … a lot of people have gotten nervous and concerned. ‘Why is this as close as it is? And what’s going on?’ We always knew this was going to be hard, and this is a leap for the American people,” he said.
::: get ready — the fuego is coming … :::

” … we’re running against somebody who has a formidable biography, a compelling biography.
::: fuego — annnnny minute now … :::

“He’s a genuine American hero, somebody who served in uniform and suffered through some things that very few of us can imagine.”
::: umm, fuego? :::

“The reason I’m calm is I have confidence in the American people.”
::: ok, so that would be a no on the fuego then? :::

It’s a bold strategy – employing diplomacy during the campaign … oh hell, employing diplomacy at all! God knows that shit hasn’t been a part of the American political landscape for a long, loooong time.
We’ll just have to wait and see if this dicey gamble pays off …

In the meantime – never fear – you know why?
Doesn’t matter.

It’s all oooooo-k.

It’s allllll good!
<— A
s long as this vapid bitch is still allowed in public, we’ll get to see some sort of emotional meltdown before the people go to the polls.

Ahhhh — feel better?
Yeah, me neither.

September 18, 2008 at 4:37 pm

Campbell Kid?

Child welfare advocates around the globe have been put on red alert:

Anger-management school dropout Naomi Campbell wants to reproduce.

“I understand when people say ‘Listen to your body, your body tells you’. So yes, I’d love to have a baby,” she told The Mirror UK recently.

So why hasn’t the international incident spewed forth her spawn?
::: luck? :::

“I didn’t want to have a child on my own.
::: Rage-omi is currently dating Russian businessman Vladimir Doronin … someone really outta warn him those sexy times are gonna have a heavy pricetag  … :::

“I know you can but I didn’t want to raise it the way I was raised.”
::: ‘it’ — how maternal :::

“… I would like to try it in the traditional way.”

And by ‘traditional’ she means barking orders via BlackBerry to a phalanx of diaper changers and an an army of assistants, nannies and baby product procurers.

Someone should warn her about the soft spot before it’s too late. Little heads don’t recover from crackberry smackdowns as quickly as grown folks.

Let’s keep poor little It, err, Chanel Vuitton Prada Dior Ungaro Givenchy Campbell lifted up in prayer … maybe Brad and Angie will have room for one more …

September 15, 2008 at 2:51 pm 1 comment

Older Posts

This is the shit you bitches are reading

Creative Commons License
Lifeisacookie is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 3.0 United States License.

%d bloggers like this: