Posts tagged ‘American Flag’

Start spreadin’ the booze!


My much-anticipated super-duper triple-decker über-ballyhooed way-seriously-overly-compound-modifiered trip to the city so nice they named it twice is mere hours away!!!

I cannot wait to not land belly-down in the Hudson and commence with the convivialities!

24-hour Wine Samplings, Organizing Protests, Liquoration, Terror Plots, Drunky Funs and Swine Flu!!!
New York City has it all — and I am gittin’ me some!

Because you brats wreaked total havoc the last time I took a few, I invite you to partake in a little hide-and-seek style scavenger hunt while I get my good time on.
::: oh stop yer whining – it gives your sorry ass something to do while you wait in line at the unemployment office :::

I have employed the most excellent strategerized methodology to scientifically but at random place 10 American flag icons in various, sundry and multitudinous localities throughout this shitass blog.

The first of you bitches to post a comment with the international coordinates of all 10 icons gets a 100%  jen-ew-wine Big Apple Tee.

And the wordwhore who finds the bonus 11th American flag gets an even specialer something.
::: A thousand times super-fabulouser than my freshly packed protective H1N1 face mask!! :::

Reader dropout in 3 … 2 …

May 22, 2009 at 8:26 pm 4 comments

Financial hardship is a hairy situation


America is morphing into a nation of fuglies!

I’m not talking the temporary-for-Halloween costume fug …  I’m talking permanent-for-REAL-fug!
And I didn’t just come to this realization after some recent (and very unfortunate) time spent staring at offending mom jeansers in CVS yesterday as I tried to snag last-minute Halloween candy bargains.

No no — it’s a fact!
America is going fug.
::: frealz! :::

Proof: L’Oreal.

The cosmetics giant shelled out big bucks on ad spending last quarter looking for big gains — but it was all for naught.

The vanity industry, it seems, is locked in the economic deathgrip that’s already claimed the auto industry, the banking industry, the housing industry, the travel industry and more every day. Consequently, L’Oreal found itself posting some pretty weak third quarter numbers – including a 5.7% decline in organic sales in North America.

And L’Oreal blames their sagging solvency on me — oh and YOU too, Mrs., Miss and Ms. America!

WE, they say, are to blame because of the “sharp drop in salon visits” WE made in North America last quarter.
::: Well, hey — if I have to choose between my hootch and my hair color — I think we all know where The Cookie’s money is going!! Am I right, ladies?!? Am I right?!? :::

OUR lack of salon patronage was the only point of weakness in North America the company discussed – but OUR lack of follicle-enhancing finances isn’t just killing L’Oreal.
Oh no – OUR poverty is a problem for L’Oreal’s competitors, too.
::: good thing misery loves company :::

According to Cyrus Bulsara, principal in Professional Consultants & Resources, “The average used to be every five to six weeks,” for hair coloring visits. “Now, women are waiting every six to eight weeks to have coloring done.” Everybody’s hurting.

So what’s the message here?
America: Your killing the economy! STOP BEING POOR and get your hair did already?

Nice reverse psychology try there, cosmetics conglomerators!
Like blaming your problems on my penniless ass – THEN trying to make me feel guilty about it is gonna
do anything except make me spend even more of my weave money on wine?!?
::: don’t you know me?!? :::

HAHAHAHAHA – that’s a knee-slapper for sure! HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!

Oh damn — I laughed so hard I cried off part of my $9 Non-Waterproof, Hypoallergenic Telescopic Mascara!!!

October 31, 2008 at 5:34 pm 1 comment

Elitist pol lambastes elitist mag’s lampoon


Ruh roh … we’ve barely finished our first cup of coffee and already we have controversy!

Seems some folks who shall remain nameless but whose initials are Everyone Running for President of the United States of America feels The New Yorker magazine went a wee bit too far with the Obama cover art for their new issue.

The illustration is called ‘The Politics of Fear’ and shows a gun totin’ Michelle and Muslim-garbed Barry doin’ the old FOX News terrorist fist jab in the Oval Office while Old Glory burns in the fireplace under a portrait of Osama bin Laden.

What?
Too much?

Seems both The People’s Prince and Big Mac thought so.
O’Baby called the artwork tasteless and offensive and Mav said – ‘uhh, yeah, what he said.’
::: HARSH! :::
No word on what Ron Paul or Cynthia McKinney thought about it, but never fear – I’m sure the ink is drying on those rubber-stamp statements as I type.

No strangers to controversy themselves, the staff at The New Yorker defended the illustration, saying it was meant to mock right-wing depictions of O’Beautiful and his bride (and anyone who didn’t get the hee hee is just a big ol’ stupid, crybaby, poo poo head who should just shut UP already … uhh, or something like that).

“I think the idea that the Obamas are branded as unpatriotic [let alone as terrorists] in certain sectors is preposterous,” artist Barry Blitt wrote in an email to The Huffington Post. “It seemed to me that depicting the concept would show it as the fear-mongering ridiculousness that it is.”

‘Cept Blitt forgot two very important things:

1. His special brand of highbrow toon-time isn’t exactly appreciated by the masses, and by ‘the masses’ I mean folks like those West Virginia asshats who already think my boyfriend is a terrorist and seeing him jokingly portrayed as one in a cartoon is just the kind of rock-solid, irrefutable proof they’re looking for.

2. Obamamania is hopifying the entire world – and you media types are welcome to join the party and bask in the glow of Barry’s audaciousness … as long as your questions aren’t, well, too probing and you stay away from pesky topics like:
religion
(unless he brings it up)
or race
(unless he brings it up, confirms the acceptance of bringing it up or is responding out of sheer necessity to the fact that some other entity did, in fact, bring it up)
or patriotism
(unless he mentions, visits a base somewhere or does a photo-op with a headbandaged soldier on crutches) 
or the fam
(unless he arranges for an Acccess Hollywood interview with Maria Menunos to show that down-home-y side we never get to see)
or … well, just start keeping a list, guys. It’ll be easier that way.

July 14, 2008 at 1:53 pm 9 comments

Principal shuts down paper, spits on Constitution


Shasta High School Volcano newspaperYou are:
A high school principal who just learned your student-run newspaper is featuring a burning American flag on its cover and a bonus editorial supporting flag burning inside.

Do you:
A. Engage your student body in a spirited debate on the finer points of free speech and freedom of the press?
B. Wuss out and re-print the edition, removing the controversial content?
C. Pitch a hissy and shut down the paper forever?

Well, if you’re Shasta High School Principal Milan Woollard, you choose Option C.
::: tard :::

A shame really — not because the Volcano was even a decent high school rag or anything but because Mr. Principal got served up a golden opportunity to have a meaningful debate about a real hot-button issue, which might have, you know — like, umm, help kids learn and stuff?

Which is, you know — like, umm, what he’s paid to do?

Oh but we do lurve us some flag controversy in America!!

Whether some schmoe is flaunting his right to fly a ginormous symbol of racism, or a kid’s rainbow-y present to his folks causing some crazy Kansans to see gay flags in their sleep, or a bunch of wannabe baby journos testing that little clause we like to call the First Amendment by torching Old Glory (on paper) — you just gotta be prepared for someone to get his panties in a big ol’ bunch!

Welcome to Knee-Jerk Reactiontown, Mr. Woollard! Hope you like it here.

June 11, 2008 at 12:34 pm 4 comments


This is the shit you bitches are reading


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