Posts tagged ‘America’

“That One”


Well, ya gotta give him honesty points, at least. His Maverick Beefiness didn’t even try to hide his contempt for his elitist, terrorist-loving fist-jabber of an opponent …

During last night’s second presidential debate, Big Mac asked if the audience knew who voted for the Bush-Cheney energy bill …
::: clearly a rhetorical question — this IS America, of course they didn’t know :::

 … then he thumb-pointed at my boyfriend and said: “That one.”

Wait … what??

Couldn’t squeak out a “he did”?
Didn’t want to go with “my opponent”?
Not even a winky-noddy glancy-type motion in the general direction of the person to which he was referring?!?

Nope — ‘that one’ … and I’m all, like, ‘WOW and stuff, did he really just say that?’ … and then I remembered the way His Most Mavericky Maverickness has referred to his own wife (bless her little c*nty heart!)  … and I wondered if I should be shocked at all.

I’m still wondering …

Photo: Reuters

October 8, 2008 at 1:26 pm 3 comments

I’d sue


Isn’t that sweet? They let blind people carve wax statues in China.

Well, I assume the artist was blind. Otherwise I can’t imagine how Fishsticks Phelps, who has admittedly ginormous headflaps, came to be Dumbo’s wax doppelgänger for, like, ever.

The freaktastic creation is currently on display at the National Museum Wax Art Exhibition in Beijing, China.

Just looking at it gives me a headache …

October 2, 2008 at 7:59 pm

Elitist pol lambastes elitist mag’s lampoon


Ruh roh … we’ve barely finished our first cup of coffee and already we have controversy!

Seems some folks who shall remain nameless but whose initials are Everyone Running for President of the United States of America feels The New Yorker magazine went a wee bit too far with the Obama cover art for their new issue.

The illustration is called ‘The Politics of Fear’ and shows a gun totin’ Michelle and Muslim-garbed Barry doin’ the old FOX News terrorist fist jab in the Oval Office while Old Glory burns in the fireplace under a portrait of Osama bin Laden.

What?
Too much?

Seems both The People’s Prince and Big Mac thought so.
O’Baby called the artwork tasteless and offensive and Mav said – ‘uhh, yeah, what he said.’
::: HARSH! :::
No word on what Ron Paul or Cynthia McKinney thought about it, but never fear – I’m sure the ink is drying on those rubber-stamp statements as I type.

No strangers to controversy themselves, the staff at The New Yorker defended the illustration, saying it was meant to mock right-wing depictions of O’Beautiful and his bride (and anyone who didn’t get the hee hee is just a big ol’ stupid, crybaby, poo poo head who should just shut UP already … uhh, or something like that).

“I think the idea that the Obamas are branded as unpatriotic [let alone as terrorists] in certain sectors is preposterous,” artist Barry Blitt wrote in an email to The Huffington Post. “It seemed to me that depicting the concept would show it as the fear-mongering ridiculousness that it is.”

‘Cept Blitt forgot two very important things:

1. His special brand of highbrow toon-time isn’t exactly appreciated by the masses, and by ‘the masses’ I mean folks like those West Virginia asshats who already think my boyfriend is a terrorist and seeing him jokingly portrayed as one in a cartoon is just the kind of rock-solid, irrefutable proof they’re looking for.

2. Obamamania is hopifying the entire world – and you media types are welcome to join the party and bask in the glow of Barry’s audaciousness … as long as your questions aren’t, well, too probing and you stay away from pesky topics like:
religion
(unless he brings it up)
or race
(unless he brings it up, confirms the acceptance of bringing it up or is responding out of sheer necessity to the fact that some other entity did, in fact, bring it up)
or patriotism
(unless he mentions, visits a base somewhere or does a photo-op with a headbandaged soldier on crutches) 
or the fam
(unless he arranges for an Acccess Hollywood interview with Maria Menunos to show that down-home-y side we never get to see)
or … well, just start keeping a list, guys. It’ll be easier that way.

July 14, 2008 at 1:53 pm 9 comments

Civic Doody


texting messages to thwart crimeThe police want you to help them, uhh, take a bite outta crime … with your cellphone.

Because people don’t want to actually get involved  or sully their manicured hands with icky crime, cops know that giving tips anonymously is pretty much the only way they can get your input should you see a ne’re-do-well – well, doing some ne’er!

Toward that end the popo have taken the old and crusty Crime Stoppers approach to the next level.

“Departments in Boston and Cincinnati started accepting anonymous text tips about a year ago. And, since the beginning of the year, cities such as Tampa, San Francisco, Seattle, Denver, Indianapolis, New Orleans and Detroit have started their own text-based tip systems. ”

Thwarting crime is cool — so kudos to the plan and all.
It won’t work … but kudos.

It won’t work because it’s un-American.

It is!
I know it. You know it.

This is the NEW America and NEW Americans suffer from Silo Syndrome Myopia which renders them incapable of seeing anything beyond themselves in this great big ol’ world of ours.
::: Ahhhh selfishness – some things never go out of style!!! :::

Yup, this is NEW America, where:See no evil, speak no evil, hear no evil

  • People stand by and watch an elderly man being hit by a car like it’s a commercial for Grand Theft Auto — but do nothing to help.
  • A woman is left to die on a hospital waiting room floor while — again — people sit by watching but do nothing to help.
  • A group of teens savagely beats to death a homeless man while — again — people stop to watch and even VIDEOTAPE the murder but — say it with me — do nothing to help.
  • Take my point?
    ::: God Bless Help aMErica :::

    But hey, go ahead … prove me wrong (PLEASE)

    txt ur tip 2day

    July 2, 2008 at 7:23 pm 2 comments

    Principal shuts down paper, spits on Constitution


    Shasta High School Volcano newspaperYou are:
    A high school principal who just learned your student-run newspaper is featuring a burning American flag on its cover and a bonus editorial supporting flag burning inside.

    Do you:
    A. Engage your student body in a spirited debate on the finer points of free speech and freedom of the press?
    B. Wuss out and re-print the edition, removing the controversial content?
    C. Pitch a hissy and shut down the paper forever?

    Well, if you’re Shasta High School Principal Milan Woollard, you choose Option C.
    ::: tard :::

    A shame really — not because the Volcano was even a decent high school rag or anything but because Mr. Principal got served up a golden opportunity to have a meaningful debate about a real hot-button issue, which might have, you know — like, umm, help kids learn and stuff?

    Which is, you know — like, umm, what he’s paid to do?

    Oh but we do lurve us some flag controversy in America!!

    Whether some schmoe is flaunting his right to fly a ginormous symbol of racism, or a kid’s rainbow-y present to his folks causing some crazy Kansans to see gay flags in their sleep, or a bunch of wannabe baby journos testing that little clause we like to call the First Amendment by torching Old Glory (on paper) — you just gotta be prepared for someone to get his panties in a big ol’ bunch!

    Welcome to Knee-Jerk Reactiontown, Mr. Woollard! Hope you like it here.

    June 11, 2008 at 12:34 pm 4 comments

    Some advice for John McCain


    Barack Obama is a lot younger than John McCain

    Anyone but me see the potential for a Nixon-Kennedy type age/charisma/sweaty old man thing shaping up here?

    Hey there Big Mac, you may be one sexy old beeyatch but get a damn makeover already!!

    Seriously.

    — The ruddiness of your geriatric paperskin makes your teeth look yellow. Bleach those Chiclets, will ya?
    — Pluck or dye those scarybrows
    — Tuck in the turkey-waddle
    — And lose the combover, ‘kay? There’s nothin’ goin’ on up there. It’s ok. We know … you’re bald.

    Take your Maverick Beef and go consult the expert maintaining physical stasis for more precise directions.
    No – not Dick Clark! The old C-word herself — your wife, Cindy Lou, you silly!

    Make an appointment and get your hot cross buns to a spa.
    Git R Done, peepaw!

    Trust me — you can benchpress a gozillion pounds on national teevee, armwrestle Schwarzenegger, swim the English Channel and Bungee jump the Empire State Building — but the moment you stand next to Barry the Beautiful you will look like America’s great uncle Nestor — the smelly old guy you prayed wouldn’t stand next to you in every family photo.
    Ahh yes, Uncle Nestor — the geezer with the cold, shaky, age-spotted hands who remembers being the first family on his street to have a telephone, smiles sweetly when talking about penny candy and ‘talkies’ and falls asleep ten minutes after Sunday dinner (which is served in the afternoon).

    You wanna be that guy?

    June 4, 2008 at 6:13 pm 15 comments

    Hey kid! Stop killing the planet!


    For years, I’ve been telling people — people in the checkout at the supermarket, people in the waiting room at the doctor’s office, the guy who wrote me a speeding ticket last week, local PTA members and anyone else I feel needs to hear my decrees — that today’s youth are just too soft.

    It’s true! They’re a buncha adolescent pansy whingey whackas who spring leaks head-to-toe over even the mildest forms of mutilation.
    In America , that is … ‘cuz they don’t play that shit in Australia!

    When it comes to educating those annoying little ankle biters about the ways of this big ol’ world they favor the direct approach Down Under.

    Case in point?
    Planet Slayer – a website for the wee ones which aims to teach them all about the horrifically devastating and irreparable damage the little heathens are wreaking on the environment.

    At Planet Slayer, the younger rellies can:
    1.) Follow the adventures of Greena, the Worrier Princess
    2.) Learn about Greenhouse issues
    3.) Find out how much their lifestyle sucks (hehe, but no — fur realz!)
    and — my absolute personal fave —
    4.) Use the site’s Greenhouse calculator to find out just when they can reasonably expect to die — based on nothing more than their current greedy, whiny, planet-killing ways!
    BEAUTY!!

    The star of the show here really is the graphics — the chirrenz are represented as a pig and their disgusting, earth-raping habits turn them into a big ol’ fat, UGLY pig …
    … and then they explode!!!!!!!

    ATTACK OF AMAZING AWESOMENESS!!!

    Screenshot goodness 🙂

     

    June 3, 2008 at 7:13 pm

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