Posts tagged ‘America’

Geography FAIL



Remember that family vakay we were all forced to take during the delicate, formative years of our middle school ‘experience’?
The one where the ‘rents piled our whiny snotnosed selves into the Pace Arrow and headed ‘West to see America’??
The one where you pretzeled yourself in an effort to make sure you had at least one digit representin’ in every spot at Four Corners???

Well, funny thing about that …

“According to readings by the National Geodetic Survey, the Four Corners marker showing the intersection of Arizona, Colorado, New Mexico and Utah is about 2.5 miles west of where it should be.”


Ayep – a good old-fashioned fuckup back in 1868 has led to countless Kodak moments where little Timmy and Sue took turns getting a hand in Arizona … and, as it turns out, a foot in Arizona … and another foot in Ariz — well, you get the idea.

That photo album? Pitch it.
That commemorative mug? Ditch it.
That computer screensaver you like so much? Switch it.

Your ‘precious memories’ will get you about as much as the fake Louis the chick at RaceTrac keeps behind the counter.

What – OH WHAT – are we to make of this betrayal, America?!?

Are we just supposed to now assume we are georgewvisiting the real birthplace of George Washington when we go to the Virginia spot the government claims is the exact spot his mamma birthed that bitch?
I don’t think so!

And what about Washintgon’s Mount St. Helens?? How do we know it’s not the bigger, more unstable ‘supposedly dormant’ volcano 2.5 MILES AWAY that nobody talks about because the guy monumentizing shit that day was too lazy to check it out??
We don’t!

And Devil’s Tower in Wyoming? Allegedly our ‘first national monument’??
Oh right! Like I’m really gonna believe Teddy Roosevelt named christened that crap back in 1906!
I wasn’t there!
Were you?!? Nooooo.
The first time I saw that shit was in Close Encounters. For all I know it’s just a really big set prop!

What are we to believe?
Where does this heinous treachery against the American people end?!?

My God — what IS this madness?!?

Next thing you know we’ll find out Santa’s not real!


April 21, 2009 at 3:34 pm 6 comments

O’Baby can’t bee too careful

The badness has come!
The end is nigh!!

Yes, America — it happened!

Terrorists have attacked the White House

Just one precious, rainbow-filled day after O’Beautiful returned from his jam-packed, eight-day, six-country overseas tripapalooza – the White House fell victim to insidious thuggery of extreme proportions when …

… oh I almost can’t even describe the horror …

… when bees attacked the prez’s rez!


It all started when a swarm – SWARM!! – of honey bees took over a bush *ACK!* located between the Northwest security gate of the White House and the area where television networks’ stand-up positions are located.

beesOne CNNer who braved the marauding horde and miraculously lived to tell his harrowing tale of survival had this to say:
“I walked out and thought it was a swirl of blossoms blowing in the wind, but turns out it was a swarm of bees,” he explained.

::: Surely there’s a Purple Heart category for this kind of heroism! :::

But take heart, fellow citizens — complete catastrophic meltdown of the Capital was averted because my boyfriend is the wisest man in the known universe and knew from the time he was a zygote that the Commander in Chief MUST be prepared for just this kind of treachery — which is why he keeps a carpenter – who also just happens to be a beekeeper – on staff!
::: Mah Boo is wicked smart! :::

Wearing protective gear and brandishing a cardboard box, SuperCarpenterBeeMan was able to box up the queen and many of her drones …


… until the great termite invasion …


April 10, 2009 at 6:03 pm 4 comments

That’s the spirit!

Guess what!?!

Mexico has a soccer team!
::: ooooooo :::

And so does the U.S.!! 
::: ahhhh :::

And the teams are getting ready to do all sorts of high-level adversarial teamish soccery things tomorrow in the FIFA Cup World Qualifier being held in Columbus, Ohio!!!
::: uh huh :::

And do you know what else?!?
The only reason I can scrape together an ounce of giveashit about this crap is because the Pro Bowl is over, meaning no REAL football to be had for several sad, Sad, OHMYGODTHISISSOSAD months!
::: frealz, y’all – serious frowny face :::

Aaaaanyslownewsdaysothisiswhatyouget, when it comes to beating Americans in America, Mexico has apparently been about as successful as Amy Winehouse with sobriety … and showering … and sophisti — well, you get the picture.

Those bitches haven’t won a match on U.S. soil since the last time Cher had a No. 1 hit!

Soooo, in an effort to give their team a little boost heading into the big game, Mexico’s ‘Record’ newspaper tried to team up with US-based RadioShack for a feel-good campaign.

The promotion called for fans to send flowers, messages of inspiration and truckloads of positive thoughts to the Team Mexico and then pray and hope for the best.

Just kidding!

The idea was for Mexican soccer supporters to trade in coupons for their very own U.S. soccer player voodoo dolls so they could  release their inner Dick Cheney and get their Guantanamo on!
::: … little pricks … :::

“… without any doubt, this little doll can help the good vibes of the Mexican fans to change the history of Mexico and turn things around,” said newspaper spokesman Daniel Paz.

‘Cept when RadioShack heard ‘voodoo’ they also heard ‘potential boycott’ and brought a big ‘hell naw’ on the ol’ hocus-pocus, evil-eye juju.

Promotion FAIL?

Where there’s a Blockbuster, there’s a way!!
::: … a way, that is,  to make a little coin while poking all innocent-good-natured-we-don’t-mean -anything-by-it-hey-no-offense -it-wasn’t-our-idea-anyway fun at the team representing your country in a sport you may not care about but they’re still repping your roots … a-holes … :::

Anyone in possession of the paper’s coupons can trot themselves down to a Mexican Blockbuster store and get themselves an authentic U.S.-company sponsored U.S. Soccer Team voodoo doll, which comes complete with a jersey featuring the oh-so amusing and only slightly pejorative term ‘Gringos’ on the back as well as instructions directing fans to “hold a needle firmly between your thmb and index finger and prick slowly the part of the doll where you want to affect the opponent”. 



Go Team?

February 10, 2009 at 6:24 pm 14 comments

That’s lardcore, yo!

CONGRATULATIONS fellow citizens!

The number of us bringing the megachunk now outweighs the number of us merely bringing the chub.
::: … reach for the stars, America. Reach for the stars!! ::: 

Three quarters of the McNation is haulin’ around an unparalleled amount of sauce-stained McMeatiness.
::: Go big or go home, bitches! :::

Numbers posted by the National Center for Health Statistics show that more than 34 percent of Americans are classified as grossly obesified fry chompers, compared to 32.7 percent in the heifernated lardbutt category … and let’s not forget the just under 6 percent of superachievers who aren’t about to let a little thing like quadruple bypass stand in the way of becoming the first-class bumper flippers the high school lunch ladies always knew they could be.
::: Because not everyone has what it takes to McBiggiesuperwhopperenormify every meal! :::

And while überblimpiosity is good for Alli, therapists, Lane Bryant and tallow peddlers – can you guess what it’s bad for?

If you’re thinking your heart, your health, your health insurance, your children, your pocketbook, your  relationships, your self-esteem, your tire pressure, the elastic life of your underwear or your instep … well, yeah – ok, I gotta give you those …

… but, apparently, America’s cottage-cheese is really bad for the ARMY!!!

soldierSee, we’re in the ten thousandth year of war in bringing democracy to Iraq and we are plumb running out of POGs and Cherries!!

The Army has been dismissing so many overweight applicants that its top recruiter, in an effort to keep human target troop numbers up, is considering starting a fat farm.
::: The Army is all OVER America’s hush hush super secret love affair with flab!! NOW we’re gonna get somewhere!! ::: 

Major General Thomas Bostick, head of the Army Recruiting Command, wants to see a formal diet and fitness regimen implemented at the Fort Jackson joint tasked with helping aspiring troops earn their GEDs.
::: Schlock and Yawn ::: 

Mr. Ijustgotaclue says obesity is going to be a bigger challenge in the years ahead than the other problems keeping wannabes out of uniform – and that includes psychosociopathic tendencies and bail-jumping lack of a high school diploma, misconduct and health issues other than their ginormous backsides.
::: NO. WAY! Really?!?::: 

He believes only the Army’s special brand of abuse training can help the fatties be all they can be. 

“It took them 18 years to get to where they are at, so it’s very difficult for them to lose the kind of weight that they need to on their own,” Mr. Ilikestatingtheobvious said.

And if the fun of forced 18-mile runs, barbell beatdowns and Code Red *surprises* doesn’t take the weight off – there’s always the Guantanamo Diet!

Eat your heart out Jenny Craig, they’re in the Army now!

I don’t know but I’ve been told,
Not to play with my fat fold!
I don’t know but it’s been said,
My fatass could make me dead!
Sound off!
Sound off!



January 12, 2009 at 4:21 pm 14 comments

Dumbass of the Day

Once upon a time, a dumbass Chevy dealer [is there any other kind?] staged a dumbass Monster Truckgasm [again … ] so he could show the dumbass faithful how to ‘CRUSH THE COMPETITION!!!’

And by ‘crush the competition’ we mean, of course, that he would implement an incentive plan for more responsible SUV ownership leveraging new hybrid and E85 technological functionalities alongside an aggressive buy-back program as part of a broader 5-year phaseout strategy.

Just kidding!

He was gonna fuck some shit UP, y’all!

James Severtson of Hilo, Hawaii’s Island Chevrolet had the bright idea of rolling a retardedly mountainous American-made machine over some silly ass Asian rice-burner, ‘cuz, you know – ‘that’ll show ’em’ … or something …
::: my my, how original :::

“We’d like to send the message that the best way to support your country is to buy an American vehicle today,” Severtson said.

So Brainiac arranged for a Chevrolet Suburban SUV …
::: Umm, would that be the Chevy Suburban made in Janesville, Wisconsin or the one made in Silao … MEXICO??? :::

… outfitted with massive tires costing $5,000 apiece
::: Well sure! Because in these hard economic times, what better way to illustrate the woes of the American automotive industry than to dump $20k on tires  … :::

… to annihilate the  Marysville, Ohio -YOUESSOFAYYYY-made Honda Accord
::: USA! USA! :::

‘Cept the dumbass plan didn’t exactly go according to … well, the dumbass plan!

On the first attempt, the Suburban blew a hydraulic hose and sprung a big ol’ leak … while the Honda remained intact and ready for more.
::: ruh roh :::

After several embarassing hours, the truck was repaired and the driver tried again — but this time he added a Hyundai Excel to the mix.
::: Whew! Becuase, unlike the Hyundai Santa Fe and Sonata, which are made in Alabama, the post-95 Excel (AKA the Accent) IS foreign made … so, like YAY, woohoo and coolification — they got one right! :::

In the end, the Suburban drove over the cars’ hoods and destroyed their windshields … while onlookers the dumbass faithful squealed with [what else?] dumbass delight.

… and the American auto industry was saved … or … not …

December 22, 2008 at 4:47 pm 3 comments

Crazy Ute Forecasts Doom

The most prophetic prophet (——->)
ever to prophesy about unknown futurey type shit you didn’t even know you cared about has a message for all you snotnosed little heathens:
God is sick of putting up with your crap, so act right or get ready for an epic ass kicking!!

Wow — goosebumps, right?!?

Eh heh — the Parowan Prophet himself [who?], Leland Freeborn [no really – WHO?], also wants you to know that our international symbol of peacification and hopitude, that hot piece o’ manflesh I refer to by the codename “boyfriend” – will not, in fact, be the next president.
::: well okayeeee then … :::

In a rambling, semi-coherent letter to the editor of ‘The Spectrum’ in St. George, Utah, Prophet Fruicake McNutjob reminds The Spectrum’s tens of readers that waaayyy back in August he prognosticated that if O’Baby lost the election “to expect to see the “Riots” that 2 Peter 2:13 tells us about. He didn’t lose. But the story is not finished yet. I still think they may begin the riots before Christmas 2008 as I said.”
::: … ‘cuz nothing screams Christmas like a good riot! :::

Soooooo, ok ok — let me see if I have this straight … we were totally gonna have riots if O’Beautiful lost but then he foiled that plan by going and winning in that historic landslide-type deal which, if you know your Bible, means we are totally definitely gonna be having some serious better-late-than-never riot action now.

Oh well, with football season winding down, at least it’ll give us something to do …

“Some of the news media will say that riots are justified,” McNutjob blathers on.
::: ACK! Is he still here?!?  :::

“Now you know how much God is offended and just plain fed-up with our stupid excuses for not keeping all of his commandments in your Bible. Many readers will remember the many letters form me warning people.
Prepare now. We are downwind from Las Vegas. I hope you can survive.”

And, while I’m sure that missive qualifies him for a good, old-fashioned Baker Acting I also have no idea what any of his old-coot crazy blah blah has to do with Barry or Christmas or ham n’ cheese sandwiches or tire pressure or why I’m still waiting for that last Outkast album.

I do know that it proves what I’ve long suspected … 
Utah officials spike their water with shiny crystals of freaky alien kooktasticness …

Good to know!

December 15, 2008 at 10:03 pm 1 comment

Better late than never, I suppose …

Only took 63 years or so but officials finally, officially, realized and recognized just what, exactly, the Tuskegee Airmen did for the United States. Well, in the pathetically late-to-the-party way Alabama lawmakers typically do … but I digress …

Good things DO come to those who wait … and wait … and wait.

Thousands of people from across the country attended the opening ceremony Friday afternoon at Moton Field in Tuskegee, Alabama.

The Tuskegee Airmen had their beginning here at Moton Field and dared to make a difference,” the Rev. William C. Lennard said. “They did it for God, for themselves and for every citizen of the United States of America. Their persistence, dedication and fortitude enabled them to overcome all manner of challenges.”

The airmen fought Adolf Hitler overseas and Jim Crow on American soil, being degraded as second-class citizens and watching as German prisoners of war were treated better than them.

Don’t look for snark here today, folks. This is a good, WAY longass overdue not-as-good-as-they-deserved-tribute to a class of people who completely outclassed everyone else in their day!

If you don’t know about the Tuskegee Airmen — shame on you.

October 11, 2008 at 11:29 pm 1 comment

Older Posts Newer Posts

This is the shit you bitches are reading

Creative Commons License
Lifeisacookie is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 3.0 United States License.

%d bloggers like this: