Posts tagged ‘America’

Wait. What?

The results of a new poll from the National Sleep Foundation reveal that roughly one in four Americans who are married or living with a romantic partner regularly feel too exhausted for sex.

Wait. What?
Sex helps you sleep better!

The survey, which included more than 1,000 randomly selected prudes people ages 25 to 60, found – among other blah blah – that nearly a quarter of all of them said their work schedules kept them from getting enough sleep.

Wait. What?!
What better time to have sex than when you’re awake? I mean, I’m no Rhodes Scholar or anything but aren’t you awake when you can’t sleep?? Isn’t that your basic 2+2 situation or some shit?!

According to the survey, about 20 to 30% of Frigidaires respondents said their persistent lack of sleep often left them too tired for sex.

Wait. What?!?
Have we not already established that sex is best while awake and that sex promotes better sleep?!? Uhh, helloooooo!

Don’t believe me?
Well then, quit making excuses and go do your homework, America!


March 11, 2010 at 11:06 am 7 comments

Prayz Jezuz

Oh Mississippi – you assbackward bumbled bunch of statehood, you … how you do amuse me.

PROfoUnDLY plodding through life last among all states when it comes to health care and tirelessly trolling the bottom waters of public education — that ‘We’re Number ONE!’ flag you fly as the fattest in our federation now has company!


A new study from the fine folks over at the Pew Research Center says you, Mississippi, are also Numero Uno among the God Squad of American states.

That’s right, homegirl — you’re tops in two! Whoddathunkit?!

Pew’s Forum on Religion & Public Life used polling data in four categories to rank states for the survey: the importance of religion in people’s lives; frequency of attendance at worship services; frequency of prayer; and absolute certainty of belief in God.

Mississippi — sanctimonious little slut that you are — stood out on all four measures.


Eighty-two percent of the ‘Sippians said religion is very important in their lives.
::: yeah, but so are hamhocks and backfat … :::

Sixty percent said they attend religious services at least once a week.
::: well, I ‘spect it’s easier than math homework … :::

Seventy percent said they prayed at least once every day.
::: after they go Wal-Mart’n, that is … :::

And a whopping, supreme among all states ninety-one percent of Magnolia Staters said they believe in God with absolute certainty … which no one can dispute is a fucking goddamn miracle considering how amazingly alarmingly little else they know with absolute certainty.

Oh yeah — ya ain’t done shit in this life, girl, but theyz rewahhdz a’comin’ in the afterlife!

December 30, 2009 at 11:17 am 5 comments

We’re No. 37

Let’s celebrate?

September 30, 2009 at 10:20 am

Happy Fourth, Bitches!

Yeah, it’s a day [and a half, give or take] early but this ho’s gotta get her happr4thbitcheslong-weekend bender a’brewin’ so I do not have time to dwell on the demise of Jeff Goldblum as reported by Jeff Goldblum or any of the other not-dead celebs not out there being dead or dying and stuff.

No time for that shit, ‘kay?

I gotsta get my drink on – and you do, too – it’s, like, the law!

So crack it, pour it, mix it and raise it high for a Happy Adoption of the Declaration of Independence Day!

Let’s party like it’s 1776 …

July 2, 2009 at 8:38 pm 2 comments

Obvious Obviosity 101

We are a big ol’ bunch of lying fatties, America!

We say we want fast-food joints and sit-down restaurants to offer healthier choices but when it comes time to actually put our money where our giant pie holes are, we ditch all that ‘diet talk’ and go for the gut busters.

At least, according to a company which tracks restaurant menus to identify flavor, preparation, food and pricing trends and, apparently, does the occasional survey of the painfully fucking obvious.

Roughly of chowhounds quizzed by Mintel Menu Insights said they would like to see more healthy options, but only 51% order from those selections.
::: Frealz — someone needed a survey to uncover this bombshell evidence? :::

“There’s definitely a dichotomy between what people say they want and what they actually do when it comes to healthy restaurant eating,” a Mintel flak blah blah’d as some sort of a dismissive justification for our jowlitudinousness.

I’m shocked!

“Over eight in 10 adults told us it’s very or somewhat important to them to eat healthy, but when it comes to dining out, most people are really looking for taste, texture and experience.”


According to the company, the ready availability of better quality, more nutritious food wasn’t the only thing stopping us from eating better.
Oh no!
Price was also an obstruction to eating well!

Get. OUT!

Fifty-four percent of those surveyed admitted they believe it costs more to eat better.

“As cash-strapped consumers tighten their belts, they’re choosing cheap and tasty comfort food,” the survey concluded — which sounds plausible and all until you boil it down to the bottom like and reckonize that a bitch’ll befriend a biggie burger n’ fry combo over some lo-cal caca any day — New Great Depression or not!

Which make me wonder what great new revelation Mintel Menu Insights will bring us next?
That the colors used in a restaurant help determine if we’ll stay and how much we’ll spend?



June 24, 2009 at 2:51 pm

Digestive deliverance

I know I’ve picked on you, Southerners of America, but now is your time to shine!!

The economy’s already made mincemeat out of the automotive industry, the retail electronics industry, the teaching industry, the home improvement industry, the banking industry and, well, it’s just industry-cide any way you slice it — and now that beast is giving the ‘you’re next, sucka’ side-eye to the restaurant industry.

Well, primarily the drowning-in-debt, mall-friendly, eat-in, family-style restaurants and pick-up shops like Perkins, Sbarro, Captain D’s and Krispy Kreme — where a family of four can carbo-load and get their mega-calorie on for right around $6 per person – OR LE$$.

These snack shacks pack so much liability that they’re all on Standard and Poor’s watchlist of companies in danger of a downgrade … and I think we all know what comes next.

That’s right!
No more HOT DOUGHNUTS NOW beckoning you hither with the promise of warm gooey deliciousness when the bar kicks you out at 2 and the Krystal is closed.
::: HORROR!!! :::

That just

It’s time to get down to business and do what you do best!
Strap on that feedbag, bitches!!

I have faith in you! I know you can do it!!

In a 2008 government survey, your circumfrences were the country’s Top fatok10 chunkiest!
YOU are dining’s Delta Force!

If anyone can save these esteemed establishments from economic euthanisia – it’s YOU Mississippi, Alabama, Tennessee, Louisiana, West Virginia, Arkansas, South Carolina, Georgia, Oklahoma and Texas!

So haul your thunder thighs on down the road and Git R DUN!!!
Your country is counting on you!


June 15, 2009 at 2:39 pm

This aggression will not stand, man!

wpowerThe whores are 20 kinds of pissed and they’re not gonna take your crap anymore, Australia!

The professional booty-callers of New South Wales (where pay to play is purrrfectly legal) are so angry about the cost of advertising in local papers that they’re planning to celebrate International Whores Day today in true streetwalker style — with a floozy uprising right outside the NSW Parliament House!

“Why am I charged hundreds of dollars to advertise in local papers when other trade occupations are charged less than $100?” lovely minx Ivy McIntosh wants to know.
::: It’s a good question, fellas … :::

“Sex work is legal in NSW. I’m paying too much for a measly two inches.”

Oh I feel you, girlfriend!
If I had a nickel for every time I paid too much for a measly two inches!!!
Hooboy …

wprotestBut in all seriousness – I echo their outcry.
I mean, Plumber? Pro? What’s the diff? Someone’s gettin’ his pipes cleaned either way!
Fair is fair evil media overlords!!!!

I may even have to start a letter-writing campaing on this one … well, ok … maybe not so much for the whores Down Under as for the ones here.

I mean, don’t the sluts, trollops and skanks of America deserve to take part in these boss ‘International’ holidays?!?
I think we they do.
I think we’ve they’ve earned it.

HEY LOOKIE! I wrote a post about sex and didn’t use ‘fuck’ once! YAY ME … oh … wait …


June 2, 2009 at 1:52 pm 3 comments

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