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Dumb Bitch of the Day

Or Dumb Bitches … not sure … don’t care …

I do know that the dumb bitch(es) who are responsible for the fuckupery that was yesterday’s headline hierarchy need a good old-fashioned (dumb) bitchslappin’!


I mean, little Ryne Hicks looks all adorable and whatnot hangin’ off of Flavor Flav’s next necklace and everything, and I’m sure his parents are just soooo proud of their precious snowflake and all but, uhh, is it just me or does it seem odd fucking ridiculous to slot a story about the third-place winner in the 2009 Year of Alabama Small Downtown Contest as your lede?

I mean, I’m not a mathmetician or third-place statewide poetry winner or anything but, uhh, isn’t that like TWO away from first (neither of which even rate a fucking mention in the story?!?!?)?

Eh, but maybe the dumb bitch(es) who decisionize shit placement on stuck it there because that crapass piece of homepage ‘art’ was the best they could do?

… not sure … don’t care …

April 13, 2010 at 10:13 am 3 comments

Alabama could you PLEASE make news for something positive?!?

Rhetorical question …
::: sadz  😦 :::

The powers-that-be in Mobile are feeling all proud of themselves now that they’ve decided not to prosecute an 81-year-old woman who’s uncooperative bladder got the best of her in Bienville Square one hot, muggy south Alabama day in June.

“The city is not interested in prosecuting someone to full extent of law because they had an accident,” city attorney Larry Wettermark said.

Oh well that just covers it, doesn’t it?!?
wtgLet’s give them all giant medals for backing ass-first into the obvious!

I mean, surely they deserve a little something for the brain drain of realizing the sheer fuckery of their actions only AFTER widespread public outrage over the colossally stupid and immensely insensitive arrest.

Let’s recap, shall we?
Lula Mae Battle — did I mention she’s EIGHTY FUCKING ONE YEAR’S OLD?!?!? — had been at her bank on June 3 when nature began to call.
She asked the teller if she could use their restroom, but the bitchy bank employee brought the hell naw, which meant poor old Lula Mae had to haul her hotcross buns to the nearest public restroom which – as her luck that day would have it – was on the other fucking side of a goddamned fucking city park!!!!!
::: … deep breaths … :::
And — shock of shockingest shocks — she didn’t make it.
::: ACK!!!!! :::

badcopBut instead of offering assistance to an elderly person clearly in distress, some dumbshit (and as-yet unnamed) flunky cadet called an even dumbershit (and as-yet unnamed) flunky cop who got his Johnny Law on and arrested Lula Mae for public lewdness — a class C misdemeanor punishable by up to three months in jail.

Cue the public outcry …

“If I was her I’d go back in that bank and stand there till I left a puddle on the floor just on principle after closing my account!” internet commenter ALAGOVEATSHT oh so rightly ranted on an message board.

“It’s down right SICK to arrest a little old lady who has a bladder problem,” web-reader lorettanall pointed out, adding later. “The cop should be put on trial for being an inconsiderate moron.”
::: hell to the yeah! :::

But it was that hot slut herself — Bamamom18 — who, for me, nutshelled why this story has people … well, PISSED! [pun intended]:
“Mrs Battles is 81 years old and has been publically humiliated. Why don’t you just make her wear a big red “U” on her clothes and make her stand in the square and let people laugh at her. Yeah, I bet that would teach her a lesson to become elderly and have normal health issues that come with being elderly.
Think people, think about what has happened to these people. They could be members of your family.”

Yes … yes they could …


August 6, 2009 at 2:52 pm 2 comments

Come to mommy …


signingdayIt’s like Christmas morming when you wake up to the happy smiley realization that it IS possible to forget all the shit from the last several months in the giddy excitement of watching all those glittery shiny pages of hope get signed!

… and already we have a surprise signee in Five-Star Wide Receiver DeAngelo Benton!
::: YAY!!! :::

Considered one of the nation’s top receivers coming out of high school, Benton is douchebag replacement for the Tubernator Gene Chizik’s biggest signing surprise.
::: … Coach Retard takes the first step down the long road to redemption … :::

Benton’s signing was followed another big catch in four-star Wide Receiver Emory Blake of Austin, Texas and then three-star Defensive End Nosa Eguae!
::: EEEEEeeeeee!!!!!!!! :::

Oh glory BE – Texas’s four-star QB Tyrik Rollison knows it’s great to be an Auburn Tiger!!

Four-star Running Back Dontae Aycock and four-star Defensive Back Taikwon Paige will be doin’ the Tiger Walk!!

Oooohhhh — but Bryce Brown … how you torment me!!!

Poo on toast!
Linebacker hottie Tana Patrick pickes the hated Crimson Tide!!!
Damn you Sata … err, Saban!


The national recruiting champion is . . .

It depends on which recruiting service. And it’s far from over. In 30 minutes, this could all change, and probably will. But as of 1:25 p.m., LSU was ahead in Rivals. Alabama was No. 4 and Auburn 17th.
::: I think I should just start drinking already … :::

And what up with Reuben Randle?!? I mean, I don’t think we’re in the mix here but I’d be all YIPPEEE if he snubbed Bama for the other Tigers …

The day is shaping up pretty much like I expected … except I should TOTALLY be drinking already!

Florida Running Back Trent Richardson makes pact with the devil and signs with the Crimson Snide … feh

Bryce Brown is holding off until Monday to decide.
Fucking tease!

I swear if I didn’t have to crank out some junk miles to work the stress off I’d start  knockin’ ’em back in 5 … 4 …

Kenny Bell chooses LSU over Alabamahahahahaha!!!!!

… developing …

February 4, 2009 at 5:01 pm 8 comments

Hillbilly Hicksquad 1 – Wascally Wabbits 0

A report of gunfire within city limits sends the police running to a wooded area near Titusville, Alabama.
::: Oooo gunfire — that sounds SERIOUS!! ::: 

“We saw four males and they started running,” said South Precinct Sgt. Gary Clark
::: Evasion tactics! WOW!!! :::

“When we caught them, they had a shotgun and bag full of rabbits.” 
::: … a bag fulla… uhh, whuh?!? :::

Oh sure, it’s against the law to fire a gun within the city limits and all and I’m sure the folks living in that neighborhood had nooooo problem whatsoever with the moonlight morons ‘cuz the kindly poeleece mayun said the bunny blasters didn’t know they were breaking the little ol’ law by gettin their Elmer Fudd on — so no harm no foul, right?!?
::: uhh, technically … I guess? ::: 

“It was tense for a moment because we didn’t know what we had,” he  said. “… it was a good thing that they weren’t shooting somebody.” 
::: HAHAHAHA — you said it, Sarge! Can you imagine?!? A bag full of … oh I dunno, dead baby or something?!? HAHAHA – good thing indeed!!! ::: 

One man had an outstanding warrant and *SHOCK* was taken into custody – but the others were allowed to leave and take their bag full of dead bunny on home.
::: Sumpin’ fer thuh missus, Yee-HAW!!! ::: 

“Country boys — that’s all they were,”  the kindly poeleece mayun said.
::: prolly MY dumbass rellies ::: 

I guess we have to assume the good ol’ boys had a good ol’ hunting license and didn’t go over their good ol’ kill limit of 8 … eh, whatevs – season ends February 28, boys — better git ta gittin’!!

January 25, 2009 at 8:23 pm 15 comments

Item for daynote?

Now that we know what The Birmingham News is covering  …
*someone needs to burp their CMS …

December 10, 2008 at 1:41 pm 11 comments

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