Posts filed under ‘vanity’

This much I know


I am no Mr. Blackwell
::: but hey, technically neither is he, since he’s dead ‘n all … :::

I am no Joan Rivers
::: thank GAWD!!! :::

I am no Heidi Klum
::: but I pretend to be every Thursday night at Sammi … err, uhh, nevermind … :::

I am no high and mighty fashion critic.
I’m a fashion ICON!

As in ‘Icon see that shit and that shit ain’t right!’

And this shit ain’t right! —–>

It’s wrongness exists on several levels, but let’s not go into the granular details lest The Situation wannabe at my local LA Fitness who tormented MY EYES this very afternoon feel compelled to divert his rufie and hair gel savings and put it toward the kind of marrow-level in-depth psychoanalysis his entire being is so desperately crying out for.

No.
Let’s not do that.
We simply don’t have that kind of time.

But address the all-out fuckery that IS those shorts – WE MUST!

Because they aren’t shorts.
Or Pants.
Or Shants.
Or Ports.

Those, my friends, are culottes, okay?

Fucking culottes.

As in women’s fashion trousers circa 1978!!!

As in kinda ok these days for (women who do) yoga but not much else.

So stop it, douchebag.
Because it’s annoying to watch you try to be all testeroney as you priss and strut and flex and grunt while wearing those ridiculous things.
Because it doesn’t work.
Because it doesn’t make you look muscular, or masculine or, well, much of anything remotely, uhh, male.

It makes you look like my Aunt Carol.

‘Nuff said.

There’s a Sports Authority at Southern and 441.
Visit the men’s clothing section pronto because, DAYUM!

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November 20, 2011 at 9:24 pm 4 comments

Look no further. This is the one. Right here.


BEHOLD!!!!!

The Photoshop Award Winner for July 2011 New Millennium ALWAYS AND FOREVER FOR ALL OF ETERNITY AND BEYOND – LIZA!

No, do not look away.
Drink this bitch IN!

Because she’s spreadin’ her legs, flippin’ off Mutha Naytchuh and channeling her inner ‘Chicaco’ in a photoshoot that underscores, CAPITALIZES and puts in bold type  that this is the kind of perfectly polished and preserved perfection you can only achieve through a life well lived spatula pan-cake application, a gallon of black hair dye, eye Sharpie and about two weeks of Photoshop touchup.

Because it is.

Only not for some folks suckups on the interwebs who are losing their gat damned MINDS over the S&M-y pics Terry Richardson shot of the sexxxagenarian for LOVE. They’re gettin’their gush on, goin’ all “she looks pretty freaking amazing here” and “Liza has still got it” and “WOW, Liza Minnelli looks amazing” and so on and suchlike.

And they’re right.
Sort of.

The pictures of Liza Minnelli look amazing.
The very super ultra digitally doctored pictures of Liza Minnelli look amazing.

And they do.
Because they are.

Because bitch looked like this in March:

Now, I give props to Liza. I really do.
She’s accomplished, she’s renown, she’s got nice veneers.

And I want good things for her.
Her health, her happiness, her honoring us with continued performance excellence.

But her hotness?
I do not want Liza bringin’ the hotness.

Not now. Not ever.

Because she can’t.
Because she isn’t.

So get rid of the diffused light sources, back away from the Wrap Tool and don’t even think of clicking the healing brushes.
Let Liza be the old and imperfect but perfectly talented old trick she is — chins, belly and all.

We can take it.

August 5, 2011 at 12:12 am 3 comments

Topps: Putting the F-U in snafu since … well, today



Topps hits bottom, but the dumbfuckery is all around if mah (other, other) boo didn’t check this shit before slapping his John Hancock on it.

But hey, can you say Collector$$ Item?
Ye$$$, of cour$se you can 😉

SOURCE

August 1, 2011 at 10:44 pm 1 comment

So … well, uh … that happened …


Bored over the long holiday weekend, The Universe got out the old mounted globe, played Pick A Spot, landed on Parish, New York and opened a ginormous can of IRONY on 55-year-old Philip Contos.

The Harley-head was determined to show that the government had no right to make him wear a helmet while riding his motorcycle, regardless of the consequences.

And boy, did he show them. 😦

Participating in a ride supported by ABATE (American Bikers Aimed for Education), to protest New York’s mandatory helmet law, Contos hit his brakes and was thrown from his bike.
His head struck the pavement, causing a fatal skull fracture.

We have reached the point, kiddies, where I know I don’t have to tell you that officials said his death would have been prevented had Contos been wearing a helmet.

Nope. I don’t have to tell you that.
And no one had to tell that to Contos, either.

His brother, Richard Contos, said ol’ Phil’d do it again … if he could.
“He would have wanted it that way. … He protested everything.”

Not anymore he doesn’t.

And that makes me sad, because anyone who trolls this waste of space I call LIAC knows I amm all about the nuh uh!
‘Cept I gotta call an ultra NUH UH on this one.

I don’t know Phillip Contos, but I do know he chucked a BIG OL’ deuce to any future demonstrations … or family functions … or holiday memories … or delicious cheesburgery goodness … or happy sexy times with that special someone … or ANYTHING … by dying for this cause.
Which also makes me sad because it’s bullhead stupid.

Shuddit, Mr. ITHOUGHTYOUWEREABLEEDINGHEARTLIBERALFUCKINGHYPOCRITEWHORE. Just shuddit, ‘kay toots?

I almost need a cotton-padded chest cavity my pinko-commie liberal heart bleeds so heavily for free choice (yeah!), free speech (Yeah!!), free love (HELL TO THE YEAH!!!), but even I know there are limits.
::: I am my mother! :O :::

And I can lay this truth upon you today because I have a brain still firmly encased in osseous matter.
::: PULSERIFICALLY PRIMO! :::

Yup, it is 100% redwhiteandblue appliepiebaseballmom AMERICAN to take your peeves public.

Protesting is patriotic!
Protesting can be positive and downright pleasureable!!
Hell, I want channel my inner Phil Ochs, raise a fist and rally for a cause RIGHT FUCKING NOW!

And I can.
Because I am still an animate object.

Feeling the wind in your hair?
I feel that!
Open-aired exhilaration?
I’m down!
Living to ride another day?
LIKES IT!

Seriously guys? Resist that retarded urge to be a law maker.
Take Ron White’s advice and just ‘put on the fucking helmet’ already.

July 5, 2011 at 2:29 pm 4 comments

Did I miss a memo?


I mean, ok, so I have been out of it for a bit, but really people — this is just a smouldering pile of fuckupery!

Has donating your own plasma suddenly become passé?
Is it no longer profitable to get paid to work the pole?
Did embezzlement somehow become obsolete?

I don’t know how or when it happened but I do know this:
This is a dark day!
THIS is a sure sign of the Apocolypse!!
THIS is when it becomes just a big ol’ bag of crystal clear that this New Great Depression shall see no end!!!
::: this is where you act all concerned and shit :::

Gone are the days of innovative income ideas.
In their place now exists a ramshackle rundown of dastardly deeds I didn’t think could get any worse – ooohhhh but it has!

Because it’s come to this:
Weave Theives are stealing America follicle by faux follicle!

GASP!

A bunch of bandits recently broke in to an Atlanta beauty store and stone cold STOLE $30,000 worth of extensions!

HAIR HIJACKERY!!!!!

Lucien Poko, manager at the Beauty Master store near Greenbriar Parkway told Atlanta police that four burglars were driving a black Chevrolet Suburban when they smashed the two front doors of his shop with a rock and went directly to the display of Remi hair extensions.

Those low-down dirty cheaters of the counterfeit coif were probably casing the joint for months. How else can the beeline to those specific braids be explained?!

And this isn’t the first time!
Last month, mop muggers rammed a car through the front door of a Clayton County beauty supply store and made off with $10,000 in fake follicles — a paltry payload by comparison but still distressing to those sans strand and cause for concern for the rest of us as well!

I mean, can you just imagine the HELL there will be to pay if Beyoncé can’t lace up her locks or if Sam Donaldson’s next piece gets purloined?!

And don’t even get me started on Jim Eastabrook!!!

C’mon America! Don’t we have better things to do? Better ways of amassing even the smallest semblance of wealth?!

We can do better!
WE MUST!
The time is now to rise, rise I say and RALLY against this hair nightmare before the inanity goes national!!
::: this is where you go ‘bitch was gone for all this time and this is the best she can do on return?! :P:::

SOURCE

June 20, 2011 at 6:52 pm

LOL in 3 … 2 …


Jon Lajoie – search him (Everyday Normal Guy) on YouTube – his shit is awesome!!

Thanks GEG!!!

April 1, 2011 at 10:33 am 1 comment

No


GoDaddy go to your room!

And STAY THERE until you and your #2 pencil can score at least a D- on your next Super Bowl Advertising Etiquette 101 exam without the obvious Photoshop trickery you sickasses perpatrated on my innocent ocular cavities this time.

I ain’t havin’ it, bitches!
I have graded your latest, uhh, attempt as a pitifully lame mockery of the SESSAY the world has come to expect from you!

Seriously.
A 77-year-old?
What were you thinking?!

Did the shock of the not really shocking reality that there is not now, nor has their ever been, the smidgiest bit of beef in your Taco Bell Enchirito deliver the ‘thenwhatthehellhaveIbeeneating’ so hard you hit your head on the coffee table on your way out of consciousness before the cameras started rolling?


That’s got to be it.
Tell me that’s it!
Because if that’s not it, there is just ZERO excuse for this unholy meemaw MESSINESS!

Even if you plunged that bag o’ sag in Crisco, infused her with the sweet, untouched nectar and promise of a thousand pre-pubescent girls and drown her old ass in hyperbaric oxygen therapy for as long as all of her surgical warranties combined – this look ————————————–>
 is not achieved.

Just a big DO NOT WANT sandwich any way you slice that synthetic septuagenarian’s surgically-altered and permanently-pickled parts.
SEXY ULTRA FAIL!

Like flyng pink unicorns, an actual Sarah Palin intelligence quotient or lasting peace in the Middle East – some things just aren’t.
Joan Rivers’ sex appeal = AREN’T TO INFINITY!!!

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to start drinking very, Very, VERY heavily figure out how to forget I ever saw this shit!

February 7, 2011 at 3:33 pm 7 comments

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