Posts filed under ‘TV’

Well SOMEONE didn’t get the memo!!


I mean, really, this is basic ‘Ho Code 101’ shit, people.

The bottom-line, the guiding principle, THE golden fucking RULE when you’re bumpin’ fuglies with prominent, married public figures (or, ok, well, anyone who’s initials are NOT YOUR SPOUSE) is to take a chill on workin’ your grill.

It’s that simple.

No need for discussion!

It is immorality’s universally accepted imperative, for chrissakes!!

Yet, every few fornications there comes along some slut who just can’t keep it shut.

From Dynasty cast member wannabe Gennifer Flowers to dimestore hooker doppelganger Jaimee Grubbs to the demented and diapered Lisa Nowak — there’s always some skank who slips up and spoils the secret sexy times by spilling something she shouldn’t have.

Thanks a lot, Paula Broadwell!

Because of you tryin’ to go and blackmail a bitch over email and everything, poor David Petraeus now must foray back into the field of contraband coochie to find some stupid new streetwalker to screw.

Nice.

But the real tragedy here is far worse than whatever future befalls dear David … or you … .

The real tragedy here is bigger, Paula … because it affects me.

Yes, Paula … the catastrophic consequences of your exasperatingly irritating email tirades mean that I now must go buy an ax, find a frickin’ forest, cut down a tree, chop that shit up, build a frickin’ fire, heat up a poker and GOUGE MY FUCKING EYES OUT
in an attempt to rid myself of the mental image of David’s sad old doggy dick doin’ The Cabbage Patch in yet another whore’s hoo-ha!

I live in fucking FLORIDA, Paula!
Do you have any idea how far I have to drive before I wind up in the woods?!?

Fucking FAR, Paula!!

Fucking.
FAR.

ACK!!!

It didn’t have to end like this, Paula.

Or maybe it did.

Because there’s always one hot ho mess out there like you, isn’t there Paula?

Oh yeah there is.

Take it to the bank, gents! 😉

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November 12, 2012 at 11:05 pm 4 comments

Boo is BACK, bitches!!!!!


BOO LIVESEnd the panic!
Bring the YAY!!
SMILE EARTH DWELLERS!!!

For Friday the 13th is NOT a bad-luck day and life as we know it is NOT, in fact, coming to an end!!

Because it’s not true.

Because he Is ALIVE!!!!!

Mah (newest) BOO is ALIVE, y’all!!!!

ALIVE!!!!!!

As in not dead!!!!!!!!

Boo is BACK!THERE JUST AREN’T ENOUGH EXCLAMATION POINTS TO CAPTURE THE SIGNIFICANCE OF THIS DEVELOPMENT!!!!!!!!!

Awful, horrible, heinous people were spreading  awful, horrible, heinous rumors over the interwebs yesterday that Boo — the cutest, cuddliest, most captivating canine ever to set paw on the planet — was just a desperate little piece of D-E-A-D, sparking worldwide SADZ!

‘… Boo is dead? This is traumatizing,’ one devotee to the little doggie wrote.
::: *sniff :::
‘You will live forever on the Internet,’ wrote another.
::: WAAHHH! :::

Frownie faces everywhere!
Until today!

Today, when God parted the clouds, opened the heavens and mercifully rained down showers of shiny, sweet, golden kisses of AHHHHHH as the truth was revealed.

BOO LIVES!!!

And life is good again.
On Friday, the 13th.
The day before the Greeneyedgirl’s birthday.

AHHHHHHHH

🙂

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April 13, 2012 at 10:55 pm 1 comment

No


GoDaddy go to your room!

And STAY THERE until you and your #2 pencil can score at least a D- on your next Super Bowl Advertising Etiquette 101 exam without the obvious Photoshop trickery you sickasses perpatrated on my innocent ocular cavities this time.

I ain’t havin’ it, bitches!
I have graded your latest, uhh, attempt as a pitifully lame mockery of the SESSAY the world has come to expect from you!

Seriously.
A 77-year-old?
What were you thinking?!

Did the shock of the not really shocking reality that there is not now, nor has their ever been, the smidgiest bit of beef in your Taco Bell Enchirito deliver the ‘thenwhatthehellhaveIbeeneating’ so hard you hit your head on the coffee table on your way out of consciousness before the cameras started rolling?


That’s got to be it.
Tell me that’s it!
Because if that’s not it, there is just ZERO excuse for this unholy meemaw MESSINESS!

Even if you plunged that bag o’ sag in Crisco, infused her with the sweet, untouched nectar and promise of a thousand pre-pubescent girls and drown her old ass in hyperbaric oxygen therapy for as long as all of her surgical warranties combined – this look ————————————–>
 is not achieved.

Just a big DO NOT WANT sandwich any way you slice that synthetic septuagenarian’s surgically-altered and permanently-pickled parts.
SEXY ULTRA FAIL!

Like flyng pink unicorns, an actual Sarah Palin intelligence quotient or lasting peace in the Middle East – some things just aren’t.
Joan Rivers’ sex appeal = AREN’T TO INFINITY!!!

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to start drinking very, Very, VERY heavily figure out how to forget I ever saw this shit!

February 7, 2011 at 3:33 pm 7 comments

Not for nothing but …


Those dumbass motherfuckers who continue to insist – against all reason and factual scientific evidence to the contrary – that climate change is all a hoax need to wake the fuck UP!

Or maybe they just need to read … and learn … instead of listening to some FOX network sprayhead spout uneducated opinions passed off as truth and nodding their agreement because it’s easier than reading … or learning.

Oh but try, wontcha?

Because what happened in Chile is not an isolated incident.
And what happened in Haiti is not an isolated incident.

They’re not.
Stop. Look back. Think. Start connecting the dots.

A lot of the political blah blah over climate change turns into tee hees about ‘global warming’ – an admittedly idiotic term because it’s misleading (especially for people who don’t read) and fails to address the issue in total.
People snicker and roll their eyes when discussion of the catastrophic effects of a two degree escalation in temperature by 2100.
Global warming my left nut, they say, it’s SNOWING in Orlando!
Global warming?!
, they laugh.
Two degrees? HAHAHAHA!!! Big whoop, they say.

Except that it is.

Here’s what two degrees means:
– acidification of the world’s oceans, endangering much of the marine food chain (like when Pacific salmon populations fell sharply in 1997 and 1998, when local ocean temperatures rose 6 degrees F.)

– summer heatwaves of increasing frequency, duration and intensity. It is likely that every second summer on average will endure severe heatwaves (like the 2003 heatwave in Europe that resulted in some 30,000 deaths)

– more frequent and longer incidences of heat and drought, adversely affecting crop and food production in many parts of the world (like the summer of 1998 when crops withered and Dallas temperatures topped 100 degrees F for 29 days straight or the heat wave in India that same year that killed more than 2,500)

– the combination of severe heatwaves and drought is likely to result in more frequent occurrences of wildfires (like the 2003 and 2009 Mediterranean wildfires or the fires that have ravaged California the past two years)

– the disappearance of much of the glaciers in South America and Asia, meaning that hundreds of millions of people (possibly billions) will lose their sources of fresh water – threatened or wiped out (like how Mount Kilimanjaro has lost 75% of its ice cap since 1912. Oh, and Venezuelan mountaintops had six glaciers in 1972 – today only two remain.)

– Greenland will tip into irreversible melt, accelerating sea level rise which is by this stage already threatening low lying countries such as Bangladesh. (like how the rise in sea levels is already felt here – Florida farmland up to 1,000 ft. inland from Biscayne Bay is being infiltrated by salt water, rendering the land too toxic for crops)

– mass extinction of perhaps as much as a third of animal and plant species worldwide (uhh, like, uhh the greatest mass extinction since the dinosaurs disappeared some 65 million years ago 😦 ).

Oh, but hey – that’s a maybe increase by a maybe two degrees maybe by the next 90 years, which is, like, forever away in time so no big deal, right?

Except that it is.

Because climate change involves more than taking the earth’s temperature and it’s not going to wait to start 90 years from now.

Facts:

“Climate change doesn’t just affect the atmosphere and the oceans but the earth’s crust as well. The whole earth is an interactive system….In the political community people are almost completely unaware of any geological aspects to climate change.”
— Geophysicist Bill McGuire of University College London

“Mother Earth is short-tempered and volatile. So sensitive in fact, that even slight changes in weather and climate can rip the planet’s crust apart, unleashing the furious might of volcanic eruptions, earthquakes and landslides.”
— from the 2009 conference on Climate Forcing of Geological and Geomorphological Hazards

“Scientists say melting glaciers could induce tectonic activity. As ice melts and waters runs off, tremendous amounts of weight are lifted off of Earth’s crust. As the newly freed crust settles back to its original, pre-glacier shape, it can cause seismic plates to slip and stimulate volcanic activity according to research into prehistoric earthquakes and volcanic activity.”
— findings from several studies published in The Wall Street Journal in 2006

Haiti, Argentina, Venezuela, Eureka, California, north of Chicago, Japan, Chile
— Where earthquakes have struck just in the first two months of 2010

If you don’t live in earthquake, tsunami, hurricane or tornado country – smile … but just briefly ‘cuz you can’t outrun Mother Nature. Just ask Elmaz Qyra.

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March 2, 2010 at 11:20 am 11 comments

Just in case you missed the awesomeness


Which I would completely understand given the fact that it was an exhausting but wholly rewarding National Signing Day yesterday, after which you collapsed in a heap of inebriated, blobby JOY like I did and maybe, just possibly, perhaps missed another satisfying Jon Stewart logic/reason/reality badass beatdown of Bill O’Reilly’s assfucked accounting of current events.

If so – enjoy …

February 4, 2010 at 11:49 am 6 comments

J-School for TV 101


TRUTH!!

February 2, 2010 at 11:04 am 10 comments

Pure Awesome


December 31, 2009 at 12:56 pm 6 comments

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