Posts filed under ‘Sports’

Calming Breaths …


The fuck, y’all?!?

Can’t a bitch spend three weeks ringing in the most fabulous of decidedly deserved and universally understood AUBURN IS THE 2010 NATIONAL FUCKING COLLEGE FOOTBALL CHAMPION new year without you gettin’ all ‘liar liar pants on fire, where’s our fucking cookie’ on her ass?!
::: way harsh, btw :::

No?

Ok.

But only because I lurve yuhz and because I did promise.

And just like a Ted Williams sobiriety pact, my promises are … uh, well, technically they’re actually just a bunch of consonants and some syllables and at times a smattering of punctuation strung together primarily for my own amusement … BUT NO MORE!

And not just because my promise was made before the most historically significant event in the history of all mankind (AUBURN IS THE 2010 NATIONAL FUCKING COLLEGE FOOTBALL CHAMPION) and, consequently, before The Cookie realized she actually has an alcohol tolerance level.
::: who knew, right? :::

No.
Because this isn’t just a new day or a new year – hell no.

THIS is a new ERA, people!!!!
::: That’s right. I said it. And I used a series of exclamation points for maximum intensity! Feel that shit!!! :::

January 10, 2011 ushered in a magically wondrous new ERA of extraordinary events (AUBURN IS THE 2010 NATIONAL FUCKING COLLEGE FOOTBALL CHAMPION) never before witnessed in the whole and entirety of the collective time yours truly’s been carbon footprinting all over this rock we call home!!

Ed. Note: Auburn is also the 1957 National College Football Champion — before my time — but still off the charts on the scale of outstanding awesomeness.

But what does this mean to you, you selfish little bastards?

Only EVERYFUCKINGTHING is all!!!!

This magically wondrous new ERA of extraordinary events could potentially deliver the most amazing experiences and occurrences!

Think of the possibilities!!!

What if that mole isn’t cancer?
::: YAY! :::
What if the Rogaine® actually works this time?!
::: Can’t hurt to hope :::
What if we ALL can possibly just maybe really lose that last 10 pounds?!?
::: Mmm’okay, prolly not :::
OMG! WHAT IF TARA REID WINS AN OSCAR?!?!?
::: Woops, sorry — putting down the pipe … :::

But you get my point.

My beloved Auburn Tigers are now known the world over as the most perfect example of shining excellence and outstanding ability ever to grace humanity … and so, by extention, are you delicious Cookie Crumblies!

Now get off my ass!!
::: the stress is killing my buzz :::

XOXO 😉

January 25, 2011 at 4:08 pm 9 comments

We interrupt this blog …


Remember when John McCain temporarily suspended his presidential campaign to ‘fix the economy’ and then temporarily suspended caring about the economy to participate in a debate with my boyfriend?

Well, this is sort of like that … if you take out all the parts that aren’t, that is.

Yours truly has to temporarily suspend annoying the Sahars and Sahar-supporters of the world, mocking the masses, decrying this New Great Depression (and its casualties), poking fun at political puerility and delivering dumb bitch of the day deliciousness so that I can temporarily annoy a bunch of other people who, like, pay me cash monies for shit and suchlike.

Don’t hate!
MONEY TALKS BITCHES!
But only for a little while 😉

What does this all mean?

It means Ann Coulter can relax.
(by snacking on small children)

It means Sarah Palin can continue the Imawhackjob World Tour-a-palooza.
(TEEBEGGURZZ UNITE!)

It means Jesus freaks everywhere can continue to see the holiest of holies in the unlikeliest of places (and do other nasties in His name).
(Geezus!)

It means Whitney Harding can continue bringing the hotness to make up for the extreme sizzle-deficit caused by … well … you remember.
(Oh delicate flower of supreme womanly elegance – how we do remember you …)

It means this guy can continue his one-man firestorm of fucktardery on ‘da laydeez’.
(barf)

It means Meg Ryan can continue to just absolutely 100% fuck herself UP nine ways to Sunday!
(and that’s no joke!)

It means COLLEGE FOOTBALL RULES!!!! (especially Auburn Football!!!)
(Auburn is the way and the light. Bow to the power!!!)

It means International Whore Day can MUST continue with gusto!
GO WHORES!!!

It means Tara Reid can continue … oh who are we kidding – BOTTOM’S UP BITCH!
(burp)

It means The Cookie’s game plan for the next everhowfuckinglong means going global to help manage the metamorphosis that has — albeit temporarily — appropriated her existence.

June 22, 2010 at 4:57 pm 18 comments

Why Cleveland, WHY?!


Are there truly no more great ideas?
Have all the creative PR stunts been tried?
Is atoricity the new aim?

Frealz, Cleveland!
You have a golden opportunity to do something great, to be legendary, to make history … and you go with The Fuggie?!?

But you did — at Snuggie Night at The Q on Friday, where every person who walked into Quicken Loans Arena received a free maroon Fuggie to create a new Guinness World Record for most fleece blankets of one color in one place: 20,562.

At least one Detroit fan brought his own blue fug rug with the Pistons logo on it, while a few Fuggie haters HEROES refused to participate and sat defiantly in what I am absolutely positive were the most awesomely amazing street clothes ever worn by any person in the history of mankind. EVER!

Guinness adjudicator Danny Girton verified the new fleece blanket record in the first quarter, and praised the Cavaliers’ original idea dumbass fuckery.

“Anybody, anywhere at any time can attempt a Guinness World Record at any time and become a world hero in their own right,” Girton said.

Yes – they can!
And there are a LOT better records out there than outfitting yourselves in the most awfult ensemble in the known universe, Clevelanders!!!

Like Radhakant Bajpai of Naya Ganj, Uttar Pradesh, India who the gods blessed with the longest, most lavish ear hair!
<— Look at that hotness!
C’mon guys – you’re CLEVELAND, for crying out loud! Surely there’s some mullethead in your midst who can top that?!

Or Gary Stewart who rode the clouds and created a legacy when he claimed the record for the longest pogo jumping record in all of the entire earthly realm!!
You guys can’t find some clodhopper west of the Cuyahoga jump rope or blow bubbles for a couple of days?!

And France’s own (now dead but for other reasons) Michel Lotito, who holds the coveted Guinness record for weirdest diet for eating nothing but metal and glass from 1959 until his death in 2007. Since 1966, dude ate 18 bicycles, 15 grocery carts, seven TV sets, six chandeliers, two beds, a pair of skis, a low-calorie Cessna light aircraft and a computer.
He is said to have provided the only example in history of a coffin (handles and all) ending up inside a man. By October 1997, he had eaten nearly nine tons of metal!!!

Metal Health’ll cure your crazy
Metal Health’ll cure your mad
Metal Health is what we all need
It’s what you have to have

Oh yeah, Clevelanders!
That mangia may not be as tasty as pierogis or Polish Boys but ya gotta admit THAT’S the kind of go gettery that earns you the kind of universal adulation befitting a Guinness title!!!

Or this one. 😉

But a multithousand menagerie of misfits masquerading as men (women and children) of action when all they did was get snugged up in a fug rug just 100% totally misses the mark of true merit in my book.

Eh, but kudos or nice try or whatever and all.

SOURCE

March 8, 2010 at 11:01 am 4 comments

Legacy Schmegacy


But FSU sucks balls anyway so who cares …

SOURCE

February 9, 2010 at 11:17 am

NSD – WHEEEEE!!!!!!!


Even though it started on a 😦 note when we were

SPURNED FOR SPURRIER

as my would-be new ‘boo gave my impassioned plea the side-eye in favor of becoming a big ol’ ‘Cock.
::: Good luck, my friend — but I leave you with one final thought … transfer
think about it :::

Oh yes, even though I’ve been denied true Tiger-luv by Marcus Lattimore – I WILL NOT BE DETERRED!!!

Hell to the no!
Because today is THE day!
National Signing Day!!!

AUBURN‘S DAY!!!!!

It’s Christmas, my birthday and anniversary, the last day of Hanukkah and National Give A Fucking Gift Just For The Hell Of It Day in general — uh huh! It is bonus BIG present day and I am 20 shiny, sparkly, twinklified, glitterated kinds of LET’S GET IT STARTED READY!!!!!

signingdayMarcus Lattimore *sniff* notwithstanding  – questions remain!!

Where oh where is DE Cory Lemonier going?
C’mon baby — you know inside you beats a TIGER’S heart, snookums!!!

And five-star lineman Shon Coleman? You, my fine, fine piece of OL ass are tailor MADE to bust through any opposition at Jordon Hare and beyond. You know you are!

Michael Dyer — show us your John Hancock and make it official!!

Seriously! Why even think about other schools?!
DON’T DO IT!

Follow your hearts! COMMIT TO AUBURN!!

SIGGGGNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!

I patiently await your beautified, hopificated signatures …

… Developing …

9:00 a.m.: Welcome Jawara White!! A linebacker who can score- SCORE!!

AaaandShaun Kitchens and Ryan Smith (who told Kentucky to shove it) are on board. SWEETNESS!!

… More …

10:00 a.m.:  Shon Coleman signs with Auburn – woo hoo!!!
::: SUCKIT BAMA! :::

In case you live under a rock – Coleman is one of the highest-rated players in the whole and entire signing class, ‘kay? He’s also one of the biggest at 6-foot-7, 285 pounds. He was ranked No. 1 in Mississippi, had offers from several schools, including six from the SEC alone, and he picked Auburn over Alabama, Ole Miss and Miami – which proves he’s got a big ol’ brain to go with all that brawn as well!

And, as expected but you can’t be 100% sure until he signs on the dotted line so fervent hopification had to happen, Michael Dyer signed with Auburn too!
Oh yeah, oh yeah!!

Dyer just happens to be considered the top high school running back in the whole and entire country according to ESPN – so SUCKIT LOSER SCHOOLS!!!

… Stay tuned …

11:00 a.m.: Hey hey Eric Mack! You KNOW it’s great to be an Auburn Tiger!!

Unlike some players from South Carolina who shall remain nameless but whose initials are MARCUS LATTIMORE – Big Mack (SMOOCHES 🙂 ) chose Auburn after originally committing to the Gamecocks.
::: SUCKIT COCKS – that just felt good :::

… MTC …

1:15 p.m.: YAY!!!!! Corey Lemonier and Trovon Reed are ALSO coming to the loveliest village on the Plains!!!!
OMG – This is better than butter!!!!!!!!! This may be our heaviest signing day, like, EVAR!!! I am so superkalifrajilistically EXCITED for the coming season!!!!

… Continued …

February 3, 2010 at 11:21 am 1 comment

Open Letter to Marcus Lattimore


My dearest, darling, beautiful Marcus,
Listen to me.

I am a true blue Tiger to the end, so I feel compelled to tell you where to go.

College football has always been and will forever be my truest of true loves, so I am obligated to tell you where to go.

I am, quite literally, already putting the polish on my very own personal playbook for the 2010 season, so I have no choice at this point in our soon-to-be long(ish)-term relationship but to tell you where to go.

GO TO AUBURN!!!!!
Seriously!

Out of all of the schools you’re considering – only Auburn can offer the total excellence of athletic experience you so rightly deserve.

I mean, I know you’re from South Carolina and all, so I hope that’s the only reason you’re even considering those cocks. It’s no secret that The Old Ballcoach is struggling and who even knows what’ll happen with him if Urban Meyer continues his emotional freakout. South Cackalackee can’t give you the stability and assurances you need. Don’t go there!

And Penn State?! That’s Linebacker U … and you, my could-be new ‘boo, are a running back! Plus Big 10 football is boring and s-l-o-w! Don’t go there!

Oregon? Pac-10? Uhh, no. Oh sure they had a good 2009 season, but their mascot is a fucking DUCK and I hear LaMichael James is stingy on sharing carries. Don’t you want to be an impact player right outta the gate? Of course you do. Oh, and by the way – have you experienced an Oregon winter?! Don’t go there!

Florida State. Please tell me that’s a joke?! The ‘Noles have definitely seen better days, my friend. I mean, ok sure – Jimbo Fisher promises a quick turnaround but how quick can that really be considering he’s inheriting a four-year NCAA probation (*blech) and a handful of scholarship reductions (*ptooey) as a result of an academic cheating scandal?! Yeah, just kind of leaves a bad taste in your mouth, doesn’t it? Don’t go there!

Georgia is in a rebuilding phase. Rebuilding the coaching staff. Rebuilding the roster. Rebuilding their mascot (R.I.P UGAVII) It’s just messy. ‘Nuff said. Don’t go there!

GO TO AUBURN!!!!!

You and Michael Dyer are the class of all running backs coming out of high school and Auburn is Running Back U!!
He’s a solid AU commit — you know you want to stiffen up your ‘soft’ commit status! You do!
Just think of what the two of you could do together!!!
I know I have!

OhPleaseOhPleaseOhPleaseOhPleaseOhPlease GO TO AUBURN!!!!!

My Tubby-loving heart is slowly warming to Gene Chizik and I think we can agree that Curtis Luper, Trooper Taylor, Jeff Grimes and Gus Malzahn belong way up there on the worthy scale.

C’mon! Make me happy Marcus!!

Join the ranks of outstanding backs like Tucker Frederickson, William Andrews, Joe Cribbs, James Brooks, Rudi Johnson, Stephen Davis, James Bostic, Brandon Jacobs, Lionel James, Brent Fullwood, Kenny Irons, Cadillac Williams, Ronnie Brown, Tommie Agee and Bo Jackson!!

Live out your college days on the Loveliest Village on The Plains!!!

You + Auburn = A Super-Exclamation-Pointy Natural Fit!!!!

Think about it.
I’ll be your BFF4EVAR!

Love eternally and for always and ever to infinity a millionthousand times …
XOXO
XOXO,
Cookie

P.S.: WAR EAGLE!!

January 12, 2010 at 11:16 am 4 comments

Melonious Assault!



Australia should give Jana Rawlinson every Olympic gold medal in every sport they have ever played in every Olympic Games ever held as well as the keys to the entire fucking country and, well, just put her up there on top of all things Down Under right this very second because no one loves Australia more than her!!!

No one!!!!!

See, Jana’s an Olympic hurdler and, as female athletes go, she wasn’t exactly raw motorboatin’ material, if you know what I’m sayin’ …
So Jana tweaked the twins for a fully femme physique buuuuutt — hindsight being 20/20 and all — ended up gettin’ all second-thoughty about it.

“Every time I raced I panicked about whether I was letting my country down, all for my own vanity.”

She was panicked, people … for her country!

“I absolutely loved having bigger boobs, but I don’t want to short-change Australia either.”

In case you missed the geography lesson – for patriots like Jana, that is the precise location where Rock and Hard Place intersect.

“I want to feel the most athletic I can, to know that I’m standing on the track in London (at the 2012 Olympics) the fittest I can be.”

So what did homegirl do?
She spent $13,000 on two operations over the past 14 months to bring her bod back to 13-year-old boy shape.

The bitch bagged her breastesesssss!!!!
“Yep, I’m back to being flat as a pancake,” she said.

Game. Set. Match!
I mean, unless they’re leaking toxins, causing cancer or are two wholly different sizes — ANY time a woman willingly expels her own implants is serious — but when she does it for her country?!? Well, that is serious to infinity!!

Fuck!
She cut out her chi chi’s … for her country!!!!!!!

I say she doesn’t even have to compete!
Just crown her queen of all Olympics EVER right the fuck now!!!!!

DAAAAAAYUM!!!

 

SOURCE

January 5, 2010 at 11:31 am 5 comments

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