Posts filed under ‘Sports’

Reprinted without permission …


… but doing it anyway because there is SERIOUS TRUTH here people, and every living organism in the entirety of all known galaxies regardless of elliptical or spiral status can should MUST read this, digest it and become one with it.

For the truth shall set you free …

You’re welcome 🙂

Cue the awesomeness in 3 … 2 …

ONE!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“They Won’t Magically Turn You Into A Lustful Cockmonster”

Chris Kluwe Explains Gay Marriage To The Politician Who Is Offended By An NFL Player Supporting It

Background in a nutshell:
Baltimore Ravens linebacker Brendon Ayanbadejo has spoken out in favor of a Maryland ballot initiative that would legalize gay marriage. Yahoo has published a letter that Maryland state delegate Emmett C. Burns Jr. wrote last week to Ravens owner Steve Bisciotti, urging him to “inhibit such expressions from your employee.” This is Minnesota Vikings punter Chris Kluwe’s response to Burns.

Dear Emmett C. Burns Jr.,

I find it inconceivable that you are an elected official of Maryland’s state government. Your vitriolic hatred and bigotry make me ashamed and disgusted to think that you are in any way responsible for shaping policy at any level. The views you espouse neglect to consider several fundamental key points, which I will outline in great detail (you may want to hire an intern to help you with the longer words):

1. As I suspect you have not read the Constitution, I would like to remind you that the very first, the VERY FIRST Amendment in this founding document deals with the freedom of speech, particularly the abridgment of said freedom. By using your position as an elected official (when referring to your constituents so as to implicitly threaten the Ravens organization) to state that the Ravens should “inhibit such expressions from your employees,” more specifically Brendon Ayanbadejo, not only are you clearly violating the First Amendment, Chris Kluwe is a heroyou also come across as a narcissistic fromunda stain. What on earth would possess you to be so mind-boggingly stupid? It baffles me that a man such as yourself, a man who relies on that same First Amendment to pursue your own religious studies without fear of persecution from the state, could somehow justify stifling another person’s right to speech. To call that hypocritical would be to do a disservice to the word. Mindfucking obscenely hypocritical starts to approach it a little bit.

2. “Many of your fans are opposed to such a view and feel it has no place in a sport that is strictly for pride, entertainment, and excitement.” Holy fucking shitballs. Did you seriously just say that, as someone who’s “deeply involved in government task forces on the legacy of slavery in Maryland”? Have you not heard of Kenny Washington? Jackie Robinson? As recently as 1962 the NFL still had segregation, which was only done away with by brave athletes and coaches daring to speak their mind and do the right thing, and you’re going to say that political views have “no place in a sport”? I can’t even begin to fathom the cognitive dissonance that must be coursing through your rapidly addled mind right now; the mental gymnastics your brain has to tortuously contort itself through to make such a preposterous statement are surely worthy of an Olympic gold medal (the Russian judge gives you a 10 for “beautiful oppressionism”).

3. This is more a personal quibble of mine, but why do you hate freedom? Why do you hate the fact that other people want a chance to live their lives and be happy, even though they may believe in something different than you, or act different than you? How does gay marriage, in any way shape or form, affect your life? If gay marriage becomes legal, are you worried that all of a sudden you’ll start thinking about penis? “Oh shit. Gay marriage just passed. Gotta get me some of that hot dong action!” Will all of your friends suddenly turn gay and refuse to come to your Sunday Ticket grill-outs? (Unlikely, since gay people enjoy watching football too.)

I can assure you that gay people getting married will have zero effect on your life. They won’t come into your house and steal your children. They won’t magically turn you into a lustful cockmonster. They won’t even overthrow the government in an orgy of hedonistic debauchery because all of a sudden they have the same legal rights as the other 90 percent of our population—rights like Social Security benefits, child care tax credits, Family and Medical Leave to take care of loved ones, and COBRA healthcare for spouses and children. You know what having these rights will make gays? Full-fledged American citizens just like everyone else, with the freedom to pursue happiness and all that entails. Do the civil-rights struggles of the past 200 years mean absolutely nothing to you?

In closing, I would like to say that I hope this letter, in some small way, causes you to reflect upon the magnitude of the colossal foot in mouth clusterfuck you so brazenly unleashed on a man whose only crime was speaking out for something he believed in. Best of luck in the next election; I’m fairly certain you might need it.

Sincerely,
Chris Kluwe

P.S. I’ve also been vocal as hell about the issue of gay marriage so you can take your “I know of no other NFL player who has done what Mr. Ayanbadejo is doing” and shove it in your close-minded, totally lacking in empathy piehole and choke on it. Asshole.

Chris Kluwe is a punter for the Vikings. Follow him on Twitter, @ChrisWarcraft.

September 10, 2012 at 9:09 pm 1 comment

This much I know


I am no Mr. Blackwell
::: but hey, technically neither is he, since he’s dead ‘n all … :::

I am no Joan Rivers
::: thank GAWD!!! :::

I am no Heidi Klum
::: but I pretend to be every Thursday night at Sammi … err, uhh, nevermind … :::

I am no high and mighty fashion critic.
I’m a fashion ICON!

As in ‘Icon see that shit and that shit ain’t right!’

And this shit ain’t right! —–>

It’s wrongness exists on several levels, but let’s not go into the granular details lest The Situation wannabe at my local LA Fitness who tormented MY EYES this very afternoon feel compelled to divert his rufie and hair gel savings and put it toward the kind of marrow-level in-depth psychoanalysis his entire being is so desperately crying out for.

No.
Let’s not do that.
We simply don’t have that kind of time.

But address the all-out fuckery that IS those shorts – WE MUST!

Because they aren’t shorts.
Or Pants.
Or Shants.
Or Ports.

Those, my friends, are culottes, okay?

Fucking culottes.

As in women’s fashion trousers circa 1978!!!

As in kinda ok these days for (women who do) yoga but not much else.

So stop it, douchebag.
Because it’s annoying to watch you try to be all testeroney as you priss and strut and flex and grunt while wearing those ridiculous things.
Because it doesn’t work.
Because it doesn’t make you look muscular, or masculine or, well, much of anything remotely, uhh, male.

It makes you look like my Aunt Carol.

‘Nuff said.

There’s a Sports Authority at Southern and 441.
Visit the men’s clothing section pronto because, DAYUM!

November 20, 2011 at 9:24 pm 4 comments

Fantasy fuckery!!


I got an invite to a sparkly, shiny new fantasy football league last night and I was all WHEEEEEEE!!!!! because I love sparkly, shininess but mostly because this would be my fourth league — my fourth team this fine football season, which would be just a sparkly, shiny shade of WHEEEEEEETOINFINITY!!!!!, so I point and click my way to the Join This League page, where I carefully keyboard in the League ID and password and get ready to get all kinds of included …

… but instead I got this:

There was a problem
There is not room in this league if all teams from last year return. To join, get the commissioner to increase the maximum number of teams, or remove teams that will not be returning. (Error #638)

DENIED?
MOI?!?

I rub my eyes.
Surely I didn’t see what I just saw.
I look again.
It’s still there.

So I’m all ‘how can this be?’ — but then my beady little eye found the devil in that detail …

Not enough room *IF* all of last year’s teams return.

Excuse me, but what is this *if* shit?!?

This league has a cap of 16 teams and, last I heard only 11 had returned.
As in 11.
As in actually returned.
As in actually signed up.
As in actually going to draft.
Tonight.

Now, I think it’s a well-established fact that The Cookie is no mathematological genius-type ‘ho or anything, but I do know the difference between 11 and 16, people. I did pass the second grade, after all!

First – they LOOK different! One’s skinny and one’s got a belly.
Second – they SOUND different! One has three syllables and one’s got two.
Third – they COUNT different! One barely breaks into a third hand and one’s gonna need four.

SEE?!?!

They are DEFFERENT, as in not the same, as in one is less and one is more, as in — if we’re gettin’ technical here — there is, like, actual ROOM in this league for Cookie’s Coffin Cornerers.
Because there is!
Because 11 is not 16!!

TRUTH!

So cut the crap already and
Let.
My.
People.
IN!!

August 31, 2011 at 1:30 pm 2 comments

Topps: Putting the F-U in snafu since … well, today



Topps hits bottom, but the dumbfuckery is all around if mah (other, other) boo didn’t check this shit before slapping his John Hancock on it.

But hey, can you say Collector$$ Item?
Ye$$$, of cour$se you can 😉

SOURCE

August 1, 2011 at 10:44 pm 1 comment

Karma 1 – Animal Abusers 0


February 8, 2011 at 1:47 pm 1 comment

No


GoDaddy go to your room!

And STAY THERE until you and your #2 pencil can score at least a D- on your next Super Bowl Advertising Etiquette 101 exam without the obvious Photoshop trickery you sickasses perpatrated on my innocent ocular cavities this time.

I ain’t havin’ it, bitches!
I have graded your latest, uhh, attempt as a pitifully lame mockery of the SESSAY the world has come to expect from you!

Seriously.
A 77-year-old?
What were you thinking?!

Did the shock of the not really shocking reality that there is not now, nor has their ever been, the smidgiest bit of beef in your Taco Bell Enchirito deliver the ‘thenwhatthehellhaveIbeeneating’ so hard you hit your head on the coffee table on your way out of consciousness before the cameras started rolling?


That’s got to be it.
Tell me that’s it!
Because if that’s not it, there is just ZERO excuse for this unholy meemaw MESSINESS!

Even if you plunged that bag o’ sag in Crisco, infused her with the sweet, untouched nectar and promise of a thousand pre-pubescent girls and drown her old ass in hyperbaric oxygen therapy for as long as all of her surgical warranties combined – this look ————————————–>
 is not achieved.

Just a big DO NOT WANT sandwich any way you slice that synthetic septuagenarian’s surgically-altered and permanently-pickled parts.
SEXY ULTRA FAIL!

Like flyng pink unicorns, an actual Sarah Palin intelligence quotient or lasting peace in the Middle East – some things just aren’t.
Joan Rivers’ sex appeal = AREN’T TO INFINITY!!!

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to start drinking very, Very, VERY heavily figure out how to forget I ever saw this shit!

February 7, 2011 at 3:33 pm 7 comments

In case you didn’t know


I might be just the teensiest, weensiest, most modest of smidges preoccupied today keeping track of, quite frankly, THE most important event to happen since my beloved Auburn Tigers ascended to epic heights of awesomeness and took their rightful place as CHAMPIONS OF THE KNOWN COLLEGE FOOTBALL UNIVERSE!!!!!
::: stop. calm. deep breath. :::

DIDN’T WORK – TOO EXCITED!!!!!!

Stay tuned!

February 2, 2011 at 2:57 pm 2 comments

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