Posts filed under ‘school’

Seriously?


Seriously.
::: meh :::

Today’s ‘No Shit’ bullshit story: Kids who play ‘choking game’ may take other risks, too’.

Seriously?!
Sadly. Seriously.

Someone went out, secured funding and got their study on to prove the obvious obviosity that the precious little snowflakes who find it just nine kinds of F-U-N to obstruct available O2 from finding their little lung units DO, in fact, find risky behavior MORE than nine kinds of rewarding?

Seriously?!
Seriously.

A group of APPARENTLYGOTNOTHINGBETTERTODOers over at the Oregon Health Authority spent some serious clock ticks surveying more than 5,300 eighth-graders to find out if they’d heard of the choking game, and if so, whether they had participated.

Twenty-two percent of children said they had heard of the game, and 6 percent had participated in it.
::: No word on what percent of  pubers lied about either, but I think it’s safe to say that when talking about teens it would be a not tiny tally of the sum total of ’em. Talkin’ truth here … ::: 

And this, gentle readers, is the part where you close your eyes, travel to your mental happy place and take deep, cleansing breaths as you try to block from your mind the reality that THIS WASN’T ALREADY OBVIOUS!?!

Seriously.

April 17, 2012 at 1:56 pm 3 comments

That crack is WAK, yo!


Because I just don’t see it.

I don’t!

I mean – I can FEEL that shit, but I don’t SEE that shit.

See, that’s my knee down there (HI KNEE!) and, according to the HBIC at the walk-in I limped-in yesterday it’s cracked … maybe … possibly … so go see an orthopedic surgeon to find out for sure if that bitch is truly busticated.

So I did.
‘Cept he wasn’t sure either.

So now The Cookie’s gonna get her MRI on (NO SNEEZING, LIE STILL) tomorrow and maybe, possibly find the fuck out for good!.

Which makes me all ‘Really?!? Didn’t you guys learn how to read an X-Ray on, like, day 1 of doctor school or something?’

Because I sure can’t. But I don’t have to.
Because it’s a pretty well-established indisputable 100 kinds of true FACT that I am not a doctor or a nurse or a nurse practitioner or a medical assistant or the front-desk lady who gives out lollies.

But they are, which is why this ho hooks up with healing-types when her shit brings the hurt.

I go see people who are supposed to know shit so they can look at my shit and tell me how to fix that shit!

‘Cept modern medicine’s not as hot shit as all that.

Because it requires multiple examinations by multiple people over the course of multiple days to maybe, possibly find out why pain is radiating down my leg from the outside of my right knee and maybe, possibly fix that fuckery so I can get back to bidness!!

Sheeeeeyut!

September 14, 2011 at 3:48 pm 1 comment

Fantasy fuckery!!


I got an invite to a sparkly, shiny new fantasy football league last night and I was all WHEEEEEEE!!!!! because I love sparkly, shininess but mostly because this would be my fourth league — my fourth team this fine football season, which would be just a sparkly, shiny shade of WHEEEEEEETOINFINITY!!!!!, so I point and click my way to the Join This League page, where I carefully keyboard in the League ID and password and get ready to get all kinds of included …

… but instead I got this:

There was a problem
There is not room in this league if all teams from last year return. To join, get the commissioner to increase the maximum number of teams, or remove teams that will not be returning. (Error #638)

DENIED?
MOI?!?

I rub my eyes.
Surely I didn’t see what I just saw.
I look again.
It’s still there.

So I’m all ‘how can this be?’ — but then my beady little eye found the devil in that detail …

Not enough room *IF* all of last year’s teams return.

Excuse me, but what is this *if* shit?!?

This league has a cap of 16 teams and, last I heard only 11 had returned.
As in 11.
As in actually returned.
As in actually signed up.
As in actually going to draft.
Tonight.

Now, I think it’s a well-established fact that The Cookie is no mathematological genius-type ‘ho or anything, but I do know the difference between 11 and 16, people. I did pass the second grade, after all!

First – they LOOK different! One’s skinny and one’s got a belly.
Second – they SOUND different! One has three syllables and one’s got two.
Third – they COUNT different! One barely breaks into a third hand and one’s gonna need four.

SEE?!?!

They are DEFFERENT, as in not the same, as in one is less and one is more, as in — if we’re gettin’ technical here — there is, like, actual ROOM in this league for Cookie’s Coffin Cornerers.
Because there is!
Because 11 is not 16!!

TRUTH!

So cut the crap already and
Let.
My.
People.
IN!!

August 31, 2011 at 1:30 pm 2 comments

Topps: Putting the F-U in snafu since … well, today



Topps hits bottom, but the dumbfuckery is all around if mah (other, other) boo didn’t check this shit before slapping his John Hancock on it.

But hey, can you say Collector$$ Item?
Ye$$$, of cour$se you can 😉

SOURCE

August 1, 2011 at 10:44 pm 1 comment

Adventures in Piss-Poor Parenting


Old and busted: Grounding your kid for punishment
New hotness: Making your kid murder something for punishment

Well, at least for one mentally-challenged mother in Georgia, it is.

Move over Jo-Jo ‘Tat Mom’ Marsh – there’s a new Queen of the Decidedly Dumbass!

Meet Lynn ‘Do my Crazy, Vacant, Googly Eyes Make Me Look Like A Batshit Crazy Crackah’ Middlebrooks Geter —–>

Lynn’s response to her son’s shitty report card wasn’t sending him to bed with no dinner, taking away his PlayStation or locking up the Webkinz.

Hell to the no!
Lynn’s not down with that tried-and-true shit!
She believes a lesson isn’t truly learned unless a sin’s been duly earned!

And so, for the grievous infraction of failing subtraction [or whatever the hell he came up short on] — Lynn thought the best way to impress upon her son the importance of academic excellence was to hand over a hammer and have him act as hitman on his own hamster.
::: Appropriate Response ULTRAFAIL :::

The day after his mom forced him to kill his beloved pet, Lynn’s  12-year-old soon-to-be-plagued-with-horrific-flashbacks son told his teacher … who reported it to DFCS authorities … who contacted police … who arrested Mommy Muttonhead and charged her with one count each of animal cruelty, child cruelty and battery.
::: Appropriate Response SUCCESS :::

If this is how she supervises schoolwork, can you just imagine how that trick handled potty training!?

Yikes.
* mad props to saratoday for the heads-up on this heinous ho *

SOURCE

January 26, 2010 at 11:53 am 3 comments

Open Letter to Marcus Lattimore


My dearest, darling, beautiful Marcus,
Listen to me.

I am a true blue Tiger to the end, so I feel compelled to tell you where to go.

College football has always been and will forever be my truest of true loves, so I am obligated to tell you where to go.

I am, quite literally, already putting the polish on my very own personal playbook for the 2010 season, so I have no choice at this point in our soon-to-be long(ish)-term relationship but to tell you where to go.

GO TO AUBURN!!!!!
Seriously!

Out of all of the schools you’re considering – only Auburn can offer the total excellence of athletic experience you so rightly deserve.

I mean, I know you’re from South Carolina and all, so I hope that’s the only reason you’re even considering those cocks. It’s no secret that The Old Ballcoach is struggling and who even knows what’ll happen with him if Urban Meyer continues his emotional freakout. South Cackalackee can’t give you the stability and assurances you need. Don’t go there!

And Penn State?! That’s Linebacker U … and you, my could-be new ‘boo, are a running back! Plus Big 10 football is boring and s-l-o-w! Don’t go there!

Oregon? Pac-10? Uhh, no. Oh sure they had a good 2009 season, but their mascot is a fucking DUCK and I hear LaMichael James is stingy on sharing carries. Don’t you want to be an impact player right outta the gate? Of course you do. Oh, and by the way – have you experienced an Oregon winter?! Don’t go there!

Florida State. Please tell me that’s a joke?! The ‘Noles have definitely seen better days, my friend. I mean, ok sure – Jimbo Fisher promises a quick turnaround but how quick can that really be considering he’s inheriting a four-year NCAA probation (*blech) and a handful of scholarship reductions (*ptooey) as a result of an academic cheating scandal?! Yeah, just kind of leaves a bad taste in your mouth, doesn’t it? Don’t go there!

Georgia is in a rebuilding phase. Rebuilding the coaching staff. Rebuilding the roster. Rebuilding their mascot (R.I.P UGAVII) It’s just messy. ‘Nuff said. Don’t go there!

GO TO AUBURN!!!!!

You and Michael Dyer are the class of all running backs coming out of high school and Auburn is Running Back U!!
He’s a solid AU commit — you know you want to stiffen up your ‘soft’ commit status! You do!
Just think of what the two of you could do together!!!
I know I have!

OhPleaseOhPleaseOhPleaseOhPleaseOhPlease GO TO AUBURN!!!!!

My Tubby-loving heart is slowly warming to Gene Chizik and I think we can agree that Curtis Luper, Trooper Taylor, Jeff Grimes and Gus Malzahn belong way up there on the worthy scale.

C’mon! Make me happy Marcus!!

Join the ranks of outstanding backs like Tucker Frederickson, William Andrews, Joe Cribbs, James Brooks, Rudi Johnson, Stephen Davis, James Bostic, Brandon Jacobs, Lionel James, Brent Fullwood, Kenny Irons, Cadillac Williams, Ronnie Brown, Tommie Agee and Bo Jackson!!

Live out your college days on the Loveliest Village on The Plains!!!

You + Auburn = A Super-Exclamation-Pointy Natural Fit!!!!

Think about it.
I’ll be your BFF4EVAR!

Love eternally and for always and ever to infinity a millionthousand times …
XOXO
XOXO,
Cookie

P.S.: WAR EAGLE!!

January 12, 2010 at 11:16 am 4 comments

Question for the ‘rents …


Is little Peggy a pre-school porker?
Is your darling boy Doug the resident daycare dimplebutt?
And what about cutsie Clarisse? Is she bringin’ the chunk to class each day?

Yeah?
Think it’s because you’ve had them on the Cocoa Puff and Twinkie diet since you weaned the little bitches off the bottle?
Yeah?

Well not so fast there, breeders!

Young Stan’s spare tire may be due more to the fact that he’s just stupid than to his yen for Yodels.

fatwaderIt’s true! And there’s a bunch of scientifical researchification that says so!!

See, there’s this stuff out there called ‘data’ that points to other stuff called ‘corrollaries’ between Chucky’s poor cognition shitty thinking abilities and his fat four-year-old fanny.

The latest comes from the big brains at the Center for Research in Environmental Epidemiology in Barcelona, who got all probey and found that preschool kids with above-average language, number, and puzzle solving skills were less likely to be overweight two years later when they were old enough to enter school.

Their findings – published in the American Journal of Epidemiology – show that smarter four-year-olds were less likely to be large six-year-olds and that six-year-olds with a surplus of skin had lower general limbthinking and verbal skills were dumber, on average, when they were four anyway.
::: heavy thigh :::

What happens after six wasn’t specifically addressed but my guess is it looks something like
<——— 😉

SOURCE

August 14, 2009 at 1:17 pm 1 comment

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