Posts filed under ‘photography’

And suddenly I feel all …

Well, seizurey for damn sure … but then I take a step back and ponder Scrawberreh Shoatcake a while longer and suddenly I’m all …

… nah, still seizurey.

I mean, I get it.
I know we can’t all be Sahar!
Hell, Sahar can barely handle being Sahar!!

But try, ‘kay?
Maybe just a little?

Because jammin’ your hams into a mess like that is among the wrongest kinds of wrongs.

That pank is stank, yo!

I’m serious.
Stop it.

Because perpetrating this kind of absolute rock-bottom fashion fuckery is ick and blech and ptooey and I’m pretty sure illegal in several states because of all of the aforementioned reasonation-type shit not to mention it hurts my fucking EYES!

MY EYES!!!!!!

So seriously — stop it.

Because landing your bedazzled butt on POWM or Poorly Dressed should not be your goal, your fallback position or your alibi.

So, like, seriously really — stop it.

Because some things you just can’t un-see.

September 18, 2011 at 8:41 pm 5 comments

That crack is WAK, yo!

Because I just don’t see it.

I don’t!

I mean – I can FEEL that shit, but I don’t SEE that shit.

See, that’s my knee down there (HI KNEE!) and, according to the HBIC at the walk-in I limped-in yesterday it’s cracked … maybe … possibly … so go see an orthopedic surgeon to find out for sure if that bitch is truly busticated.

So I did.
‘Cept he wasn’t sure either.

So now The Cookie’s gonna get her MRI on (NO SNEEZING, LIE STILL) tomorrow and maybe, possibly find the fuck out for good!.

Which makes me all ‘Really?!? Didn’t you guys learn how to read an X-Ray on, like, day 1 of doctor school or something?’

Because I sure can’t. But I don’t have to.
Because it’s a pretty well-established indisputable 100 kinds of true FACT that I am not a doctor or a nurse or a nurse practitioner or a medical assistant or the front-desk lady who gives out lollies.

But they are, which is why this ho hooks up with healing-types when her shit brings the hurt.

I go see people who are supposed to know shit so they can look at my shit and tell me how to fix that shit!

‘Cept modern medicine’s not as hot shit as all that.

Because it requires multiple examinations by multiple people over the course of multiple days to maybe, possibly find out why pain is radiating down my leg from the outside of my right knee and maybe, possibly fix that fuckery so I can get back to bidness!!


September 14, 2011 at 3:48 pm 1 comment

Wait. What?

I roll my rubber over ^this mess^ every day and ask myself this question:
What in idiotic indicatory indication hell is this fucked up shit?!?

After many weeks and much thought, I have decided there is only one possible answer.

It is the fucked up indicatory indication that some jive-ass fool in the Palm Beach County Engineering and Public Works Department thought was just this side of  ‘ehh, s’good enough this close to Happy Hour’ to be permanently placed on the pavement, thus perplexing passers-by in perpetuity.


Exhibit A:
The arrows.

Two lanes arrow left … into southbound Military Trail. Ok.
One lane arrows right … into northbound Military Trail. Good.
One lane arrows ahead … into … a … concrete wall. Uh, notsomuch!

::: Although I’m sure it’s a certain kind of tee-hee to see Sylvia all wide-eyed and
white-knuckling it while bringin’ the ”turn Melvin” ”It’s a turn, Melvin”

Exhibit B:
The name.

Last I checked, that long road that runs up and down the East Coast, stretching from Florida to Maine is one of those do-hickeys called an Interstate and is assigned one of those two-digit numbers (key word there, peeps — NUMBERS) that gets bigger as you travel West to East, explaining why it’s all the way up there at 95 everywhere it’s referenced.

Except here.

Because on the day this bit of the byway was being branded, Mr. Jive-ass fool must have been hittin’ the pipe pretty hard because — and I’m no super-sleuth or anything — that looks like a P … a backwards P … which makes it, like, a LETTER instead of, you know, a number, which makes me sad because I have to conclude Mr. Jive-ass fool is the product of a Mississippi public school education that came to what I can only conclude was a rather convulsive end at about the 6th grade.


But hey, you know me. Always looking for the silver lining; The Rainbow; THE BRIGHT SPOT!
No, wait.
That’s not me.
That’s my green-eyed friend.

But if I was like that I’d have to say a silent prayer of PRAISE JESUS Mr. Jive-ass fool isn’t responsible for directing traffic to, say, Ichnetucknee Springs or some shit.

Is he?

*hat-tip to JR for puttin’ jive-assery on the menu 😉

August 25, 2011 at 8:06 pm

Look no further. This is the one. Right here.


The Photoshop Award Winner for July 2011 New Millennium ALWAYS AND FOREVER FOR ALL OF ETERNITY AND BEYOND – LIZA!

No, do not look away.
Drink this bitch IN!

Because she’s spreadin’ her legs, flippin’ off Mutha Naytchuh and channeling her inner ‘Chicaco’ in a photoshoot that underscores, CAPITALIZES and puts in bold type  that this is the kind of perfectly polished and preserved perfection you can only achieve through a life well lived spatula pan-cake application, a gallon of black hair dye, eye Sharpie and about two weeks of Photoshop touchup.

Because it is.

Only not for some folks suckups on the interwebs who are losing their gat damned MINDS over the S&M-y pics Terry Richardson shot of the sexxxagenarian for LOVE. They’re gettin’their gush on, goin’ all “she looks pretty freaking amazing here” and “Liza has still got it” and “WOW, Liza Minnelli looks amazing” and so on and suchlike.

And they’re right.
Sort of.

The pictures of Liza Minnelli look amazing.
The very super ultra digitally doctored pictures of Liza Minnelli look amazing.

And they do.
Because they are.

Because bitch looked like this in March:

Now, I give props to Liza. I really do.
She’s accomplished, she’s renown, she’s got nice veneers.

And I want good things for her.
Her health, her happiness, her honoring us with continued performance excellence.

But her hotness?
I do not want Liza bringin’ the hotness.

Not now. Not ever.

Because she can’t.
Because she isn’t.

So get rid of the diffused light sources, back away from the Wrap Tool and don’t even think of clicking the healing brushes.
Let Liza be the old and imperfect but perfectly talented old trick she is — chins, belly and all.

We can take it.

August 5, 2011 at 12:12 am 3 comments

Oooo! Oooo! I know! I know!

Kim Kardashian’s wedding dress?

What do I win, Johnny?!? 😉

June 23, 2011 at 11:04 pm 3 comments

Lady Blah Blah

Maybe it’s the overexposure.
Maybe it’s the unruly fanbase.
Maybe it’s just all the lies and alibis.

I don’t know.
But what I DO know I was headed full-tilt toward SO OVER HER HERMIE ASS this week for yankin’ the chain of The Yank himself over the purported pièce de résistance of his forthcoming album.


Lady Blah Blah’s ‘camp’ has been puttin’ the cold kibosh on Weird Al’s parody of ‘Born This Way’, saying bitch would have to do what no other artist has ever asked when selected as the source of some serious satire — her betterthaneveryoneelseness would have to listen to’I Perform This Way’ herself in order to give it her genetically furtive seal of approval.
So, he took a quick mo to bang out the lyrics and sent them to her team.
Their reply?

 “She actually needs to hear it. Otherwise the answer is no.”

She’s been famous for, what, like 17 minutes and 30 seconds and she pulls this shit? Ugh.

Now, keep in mind that under fair use laws, W.A.Y has the legal right to release the raunch without her rubber-stamping the song, but that’s just not how he rolls.

“Because of his own personal ethics regarding intellectual property, he won’t do it. At least, not for money. He was going to donate the income from the song to the Human Rights Campaign as it is,” a story states.

So he released the lyrics on YouTube this week … for free. As you might guess, you can just queue the Weird Al Fan Frenzy and sit back and watch what you know is coming next.

Suddenly this morning, her team’s all WOOPSIE! OUR BAD! THE SONG’S OK!

Music-mix quotes Al’s blog this morning, writing “Gaga’s manager has now admitted that he never forwarded my parody to Gaga—she had no idea at all. Even though we assumed that Gaga herself was the one making the decision (because, well, that’s what we were TOLD), he apparently made the decision completely on his own. He’s sorry. And Gaga loves the song.”


But the colossal dumbassery of this mess does underscore the obvious, which is that Weird Al will long outlast the Lady Caca’s, Madonna’s and other self-superior meatheads who think they ARE the music biz.

Rock on man — I’m hittin’ ‘White and Nerdy’ on the clickwheel now 🙂

April 22, 2011 at 1:05 pm

The Fuck?!

I missed it?

The second most sparkeliciously spectacular event in all of recorded history came and went this past weekend and I missed it?!

An event so perfectly plotted and preeminently purposed and which could have been, for all intents and purposes, FUCKING NAMED FOR ME — and I missed it?!?!


More than 1,500 people who underfuckingSTAND got together Sunday for the first (hopefully annual ;)) “SlutWalk”.


I so suck right now!
But they don’t!

Sluts from all over my new favorite city – TORONTO – wore their finest floozified frocks to got their protest on over a badge-holding idiot of über proportions who found the voice of his inner fucktard when he told a York University law class on Jan. 24 that “women should avoid dressing like sluts in order not to be victimized.”

Umm, looks like someone was absent the day Kelly McGillis and Jodie Foster put that shit to rest in ‘The Accused’.

But at least his departmental superiors weren’t. They reprimanded his ass and sent him packing pending ‘further training’.
::: let’s hope there’s a cattle-prod involved in that coursework :::

But enough about him.

During the two-hour, peaceful march, most participants dressed casually, others flamboyantly, with many proudly proclaiming they are “sluts.”
::: shockingly – no one was assaulted! Whatcha make o’ THAT?! :::

Protest co-founder Sonya Barnett delivered TRUTH when she told the crowd that victims are “never at fault” and that “Slut shaming needs to be addressed.”

Hell to the yeah, bitc … err, slut!

Just do me a solid and slip me the 411 on our club meeting a little earlier next year, will ya?
I already know what I’m wearing!!!!!


April 4, 2011 at 6:41 pm 1 comment

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