Posts filed under ‘newspapers’

Well SOMEONE didn’t get the memo!!

I mean, really, this is basic ‘Ho Code 101’ shit, people.

The bottom-line, the guiding principle, THE golden fucking RULE when you’re bumpin’ fuglies with prominent, married public figures (or, ok, well, anyone who’s initials are NOT YOUR SPOUSE) is to take a chill on workin’ your grill.

It’s that simple.

No need for discussion!

It is immorality’s universally accepted imperative, for chrissakes!!

Yet, every few fornications there comes along some slut who just can’t keep it shut.

From Dynasty cast member wannabe Gennifer Flowers to dimestore hooker doppelganger Jaimee Grubbs to the demented and diapered Lisa Nowak — there’s always some skank who slips up and spoils the secret sexy times by spilling something she shouldn’t have.

Thanks a lot, Paula Broadwell!

Because of you tryin’ to go and blackmail a bitch over email and everything, poor David Petraeus now must foray back into the field of contraband coochie to find some stupid new streetwalker to screw.


But the real tragedy here is far worse than whatever future befalls dear David … or you … .

The real tragedy here is bigger, Paula … because it affects me.

Yes, Paula … the catastrophic consequences of your exasperatingly irritating email tirades mean that I now must go buy an ax, find a frickin’ forest, cut down a tree, chop that shit up, build a frickin’ fire, heat up a poker and GOUGE MY FUCKING EYES OUT
in an attempt to rid myself of the mental image of David’s sad old doggy dick doin’ The Cabbage Patch in yet another whore’s hoo-ha!

I live in fucking FLORIDA, Paula!
Do you have any idea how far I have to drive before I wind up in the woods?!?

Fucking FAR, Paula!!



It didn’t have to end like this, Paula.

Or maybe it did.

Because there’s always one hot ho mess out there like you, isn’t there Paula?

Oh yeah there is.

Take it to the bank, gents! 😉

November 12, 2012 at 11:05 pm 4 comments

Reprinted without permission …

… but doing it anyway because there is SERIOUS TRUTH here people, and every living organism in the entirety of all known galaxies regardless of elliptical or spiral status can should MUST read this, digest it and become one with it.

For the truth shall set you free …

You’re welcome 🙂

Cue the awesomeness in 3 … 2 …



“They Won’t Magically Turn You Into A Lustful Cockmonster”

Chris Kluwe Explains Gay Marriage To The Politician Who Is Offended By An NFL Player Supporting It

Background in a nutshell:
Baltimore Ravens linebacker Brendon Ayanbadejo has spoken out in favor of a Maryland ballot initiative that would legalize gay marriage. Yahoo has published a letter that Maryland state delegate Emmett C. Burns Jr. wrote last week to Ravens owner Steve Bisciotti, urging him to “inhibit such expressions from your employee.” This is Minnesota Vikings punter Chris Kluwe’s response to Burns.

Dear Emmett C. Burns Jr.,

I find it inconceivable that you are an elected official of Maryland’s state government. Your vitriolic hatred and bigotry make me ashamed and disgusted to think that you are in any way responsible for shaping policy at any level. The views you espouse neglect to consider several fundamental key points, which I will outline in great detail (you may want to hire an intern to help you with the longer words):

1. As I suspect you have not read the Constitution, I would like to remind you that the very first, the VERY FIRST Amendment in this founding document deals with the freedom of speech, particularly the abridgment of said freedom. By using your position as an elected official (when referring to your constituents so as to implicitly threaten the Ravens organization) to state that the Ravens should “inhibit such expressions from your employees,” more specifically Brendon Ayanbadejo, not only are you clearly violating the First Amendment, Chris Kluwe is a heroyou also come across as a narcissistic fromunda stain. What on earth would possess you to be so mind-boggingly stupid? It baffles me that a man such as yourself, a man who relies on that same First Amendment to pursue your own religious studies without fear of persecution from the state, could somehow justify stifling another person’s right to speech. To call that hypocritical would be to do a disservice to the word. Mindfucking obscenely hypocritical starts to approach it a little bit.

2. “Many of your fans are opposed to such a view and feel it has no place in a sport that is strictly for pride, entertainment, and excitement.” Holy fucking shitballs. Did you seriously just say that, as someone who’s “deeply involved in government task forces on the legacy of slavery in Maryland”? Have you not heard of Kenny Washington? Jackie Robinson? As recently as 1962 the NFL still had segregation, which was only done away with by brave athletes and coaches daring to speak their mind and do the right thing, and you’re going to say that political views have “no place in a sport”? I can’t even begin to fathom the cognitive dissonance that must be coursing through your rapidly addled mind right now; the mental gymnastics your brain has to tortuously contort itself through to make such a preposterous statement are surely worthy of an Olympic gold medal (the Russian judge gives you a 10 for “beautiful oppressionism”).

3. This is more a personal quibble of mine, but why do you hate freedom? Why do you hate the fact that other people want a chance to live their lives and be happy, even though they may believe in something different than you, or act different than you? How does gay marriage, in any way shape or form, affect your life? If gay marriage becomes legal, are you worried that all of a sudden you’ll start thinking about penis? “Oh shit. Gay marriage just passed. Gotta get me some of that hot dong action!” Will all of your friends suddenly turn gay and refuse to come to your Sunday Ticket grill-outs? (Unlikely, since gay people enjoy watching football too.)

I can assure you that gay people getting married will have zero effect on your life. They won’t come into your house and steal your children. They won’t magically turn you into a lustful cockmonster. They won’t even overthrow the government in an orgy of hedonistic debauchery because all of a sudden they have the same legal rights as the other 90 percent of our population—rights like Social Security benefits, child care tax credits, Family and Medical Leave to take care of loved ones, and COBRA healthcare for spouses and children. You know what having these rights will make gays? Full-fledged American citizens just like everyone else, with the freedom to pursue happiness and all that entails. Do the civil-rights struggles of the past 200 years mean absolutely nothing to you?

In closing, I would like to say that I hope this letter, in some small way, causes you to reflect upon the magnitude of the colossal foot in mouth clusterfuck you so brazenly unleashed on a man whose only crime was speaking out for something he believed in. Best of luck in the next election; I’m fairly certain you might need it.

Chris Kluwe

P.S. I’ve also been vocal as hell about the issue of gay marriage so you can take your “I know of no other NFL player who has done what Mr. Ayanbadejo is doing” and shove it in your close-minded, totally lacking in empathy piehole and choke on it. Asshole.

Chris Kluwe is a punter for the Vikings. Follow him on Twitter, @ChrisWarcraft.

September 10, 2012 at 9:09 pm 1 comment

Ad Server Fail

Puts me in mind of an automated Home Depot banner ad back in the SportsLine days that featured a hand saw cutting through the promotional copy right above a story of about football player who had to have his arm amputated after an accident.

Not as unfortunate as that ginormously long sentence … but unfortunate just the same.

July 25, 2011 at 10:55 pm 2 comments

PSA, Bitches!

I know it’s summer and all and the kids are out of school and nagging you to the point of insanity on a daily basis right about now to go to some sunny spot to get their vakay on and stuff and a lot of the time that means places in Florida, which is fine and all as long as you STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM SUMMERFIELD, that is.

No shit.

Because I don’t know if it’s the water or the food or the air or the parenting or the lack thereof for any of the aforementioned, but something is definitely grimly, grizzly, grotesquely rotten in Summerfield, Florida … which is only about a half hour from Ocala and an hour or so from Orlando, where people go and gather and do summer-type fun and/or family things but may want to reconsider if for no other reason than the sheer proximity to some crazy ass pubescent crackheads in Summerfield, who seem to think it’s just a big ol’ slice of OK! to torture a trick for, uhh, well, NOTHING it seems!


Just scant months ago, a grand jury sat for about a nanosecond of a micronanosecond before indicting five hopefully future penal institute punching bags in the only-in-the-movies type murder of a 15-year-old in Summerfield, who investigators say was beaten and shot multiple times, hit with a blunt object so his kneecaps would shatter, then tossed into a burning fire pit before his remains were disposed of in five-gallon paint cans in a secluded area.

Uh huh.

And now comes news that a couple of other Internet Generation idiots made the dimwitted decision to ‘torture, kill and dismember’ another kid.

Doesn’t anyone just go to the fucking beach anymore?!?

According to the Orlando Sentinel, ‘The boys were playing an Xbox computer game and discussed a proposal to gag the boy, hit him over the head and stuff him into a “Kevlar bag” so he would sink when they threw him into waters near Miami.’

Uh huh.

This is the poodge that passes for summertime fun for some perturbed little punks in Summerfield these days.

The second boy offered to bring a “torture kit” that he said he kept in the trunk of his car.

Read that one more time.

The kid is riding around with all of the ingredients assembled to inflict an outrageous amount of anguish on another soul.

And he thinks it’s ok.

Uh huh.

Now me? Oh sure. The Cookie’s got some junk in her trunk.

A pair of jumper cables, a blanket, a light-up suction-cup AU sign and pair of platform shoes.

Not exacely ridin’ dirty … or murdery like some people I could name but won’t because the popo haven’t released the little fucker’s name yet, but a sheriff’s search of the butchery little bastard’s trunk revealed an ax, surgical cutting tools, a torch lighter, rope and scissors.

Uh huh.

The teens were each arrested on a charge of conspiracy to commit murder.

So, seriously and frealz out there whoever you are and wherever you may be accessing LIAC from … STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM SUMMERFIELD ‘cuz the kids there?

They ain’t RIGHT!

July 11, 2011 at 4:53 pm 1 comment

R.I.P T.W.

No – not our dear friend — but, well yes, our dear friend.

The very last of all of the typewriter factories in all of the world still bangin’ out the original QWERTY closed its doors this week … and the J-school nerd in me must admit to being more than just a little saddened by the news. 😦

Godrej and Boyce has put the eraser sheild on its doors, permamently jammed the typebar on production and backspaced out of business at its plant in Mumbai, India.

Long obsolete in the West, typewriters were quite common in India until recently when consumers there went all 21st-Century and began making the switch to computers. The company’s general manager, Milind Dukle, told India’s Business Standard newspaper: ‘We are not getting many orders now.’

But I mean, of course, it had to happen.
It was inevitable.
This is march of time, sands in the hourglass stuff here.
And, like Octomom’s 15 minutes, Prince William’s hair or my sobriety — nothing lasts forever.

But it still makes me sad to think of an inkless per-character keypress world, so I think I’m gonna find that box in the attic, dust off the Underwood Five and get my Shift Return Clickety-Clack on until the sun goes down, it’s time for bed and I can put this dark day behind me.

April 26, 2011 at 2:49 pm 5 comments

Best Journo Want Ad EVER!

If I were interested in getting back into the *wheeze* *sputter* *cough* DYING world of newspapery, I would seriously consider working for this guy!!
Awesome ad in 3 … 2 …

We want to add some talent to the Sarasota Herald-Tribune investigative team. Every serious candidate should have a proven track record of conceiving, reporting and writing stellar investigative pieces that provoke change. However, our ideal candidate has also cursed out an editor, had spokespeople hang up on them in anger and threatened to resign at least once because some fool wanted to screw around with their perfect lede.

We do a mix of quick hit investigative work when events call for it and mini-projects that might run for a few days. But every year we like to put together a project way too ambitious for a paper our size because we dream that one day Walt Bogdanich will have to say: “I can’t believe the Sarasota Whatever-Tribune cost me my 20th Pulitzer.” As many of you already know, those kinds of projects can be hellish, soul-sucking, doubt-inducing affairs. But if you’re the type of sicko who likes holing up in a tiny, closed office with reporters of questionable hygiene to build databases from scratch by hand-entering thousands of pages of documents to take on powerful people and institutions that wish you were dead, all for the glorious reward of having readers pick up the paper and glance at your potential prize-winning epic as they flip their way to the Jumble… well, if that sounds like journalism Heaven, then you’re our kind of sicko.

For those unaware of Florida’s reputation, it’s arguably the best news state in the country and not just because of the great public records laws. We have all kinds of corruption, violence and scumbaggery. The 9/11 terrorists trained here. Bush read My Pet Goat here. Our elections are colossal clusterfucks. Our new governor once ran a health care company that got hit with a record fine because of rampant Medicare fraud. We have hurricanes, wildfires, tar balls, bedbugs, diseased citrus trees and an entire town overrun by giant roaches (only one of those things is made up). And we have Disney World and beaches, so bring the whole family.
Send questions, or a resume/cover letter/links to clips to my email address below. If you already have your dream job, please pass this along to someone whose skills you covet. Thanks.

Matthew Doig
Sarasota Herald-Tribune
1741 Main St.
Sarasota FL, 34236
(941) 361-4903


March 24, 2011 at 2:33 pm 5 comments

Which newspaper? Where?

So someone over at CBS’ had themselves a ginormous cuppa FUNNEEE before putting together the High-Paying Jobs with No Future package!

How else can putting ‘Newspaper Reporter’ under the ‘High Paying’ category be explained?!
::: cuppa funnee/wackee backee/sniffy snax – YES! :::

‘No Future’?

But ‘High Paying’?

But seriously– what newspaper? Where?

BTW – I think I know that guy …


March 7, 2011 at 6:34 pm 2 comments

Older Posts

This is the shit you bitches are reading

Creative Commons License
Lifeisacookie is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 3.0 United States License.

%d bloggers like this: